Remus:
Remus looked in the mirror. All he could see was a monster staring back at him, his own face, his own eyes sure, but a monster, nonetheless. He felt tears on his cheeks and started to think.Would Sirius and the others miss me? Even if they did, would they be better off without me? Probably.
He was sick of the monster inside him, he was sick of how he put everyone close to him in danger because of it. He had made up his mind.
He wiped his eyes and unlocked the bathroom door. Walking over to his bed, he thought of what he should write. He had just settled on something when he picked up his pen and began.
Once he had started, the words just flew out. He decided to make two, one for the Marauders, and one just for Sirius – there was just too much that he wanted to say to Sirius without the others knowing.
He finished just in time for dinner and made his way down to the Great Hall with them, one last time.
The dinner went quickly. Remus had to put on a convincing I’m fine face, but he was used to it by now. Everything served was his favourite, a perfect last meal, but he didn’t notice. Sirius nudged him during dessert, asking if he was feeling okay because he was being a bit quiet.
Fuck that bloody bastard. Why did he have to know me so well?
Remus fought back tears as he told him that everything was okay.
He waited until he was sure that everyone was asleep before sneaking out of bed and out into the common room. He looked out of the open window and sighed. It was a beautiful night, the moon almost full, stars twinkling. Subconsciously, Remus searched for Canis Major and burst into tears when he found it, it always seemed to be the brightest in the sky to him. He turned away from the window, and slowly made his way to the astronomy tower.
The wind whipped around him, his hair blowing in front of his eyes, his cape billowing. He didn’t quite know why he had chosen here, probably because this was were he spent most of his time with Sirius, and this was where it had all started with him. They were just watching the stars, when Sirius kissed him.
It was like the world was on fire, Remus had never felt anything like it before.
He shook this thought out of his head and lay down on the floor. He reached for his wand and muttered an incantation, wand to his wrist. Remus looked down at his hands with a sense of distance, like it wasn’t really his wrists, or his blood, or...
He slowly slumped to the floor.
Sirius:
Remus was acting strangely, he knew it. He was being strangely quiet which only happened if he was struggling. It was chocolate fudge cake, one of Remus’s favourites for dessert, but he didn’t seem to want to eat any, just pushing it around with his fork.
“Are you feeling alright?” he whispered to him.
“Yeah I’m fine,” it sounded rather choked or strangled, like he was holding back tears.
Sirius knew that Remus took a while to open up about anything, and only when they were curled up in one of their beds, so Sirius announced that he was tired and went up to the common room, knowing that the others would follow him.
The evening went by quickly, everyone opting for an early night. He was just dropping off when he heard Remus jump lightly out of bed. He padded softly to the door and sighed heavily, before slipping out.
Sirius was concerned, so made his way over to Remus’s now empty area. He noticed the two envelopes and picked them up. One read ‘The Marauders’ and the other ‘Sirius’ in Remus’s spidery, looping handwriting.
Sirius imagined the worst and quickly tore into his envelope. He read the first line and collapsed onto Remus’s bed.
I'm so sorry darling, I didn’t want to have to do this, but I now realise that I do. Please don’t come looking for you because I think that I am finally at peace. This is not your fault at all, though I know you too well to think that you won’t blame yourself. I just hope that James can talk you out of it.
Sirius stopped reading there and crumpled the parchment in his fist. He pushed it onto the floor and ran out of that room as fast as he possibly could. He didn’t know where he was running, but he knew that he was heading somewhere.
He found himself at the astronomy tower, and saw Remus’s cloak lying on the floor and hoped that he wasn’t too late. He ran forward before stopping dead in his tracks. Remus, his Remus, was lying in the floor in a pool of his crimson blood.
Sirius fell to his knees and sobbed, bent over Remus, smothering him in a hug.
He kissed his blue lips and recoiled at the lack of warmth in them. Remus was cold to the touch.
Sirius knew that he must act now before it was too late and bundled the limp figure over his shoulder. He sprinted down the stairs towards the Medical-Wing, hoping against hope that he wasn’t too late already.
“MADAM POMFREY!” Sirius shouted as loud as he could muster as he neared the Medical-Wing.
He burst through the door and laid Remus on a bed. Madam Pomfrey ran out of her office and turned to Sirius to ask what was wrong when she saw Remus stretched out on the bed.
She ran over to him and took out her wand before turning slightly, “You did the right thing bringing him here Mr. Black. Thank you.” before turning back to her patient.
A few minutes passed, Sirius standing catatonic before the door burst open once again, Professor McGonagall running through. She saw Sirius and conjured a chair for him to sit. “He’ll be okay Sirius,” she told him in a soft voice before walking over to Madam Pomfrey and Remus and pulling the curtain closed.
Sirius sat down and felt something in his pocket. He pulled it out and saw that it was that piece of parchment. He slowly uncrumpled it and began to read.
I couldn’t put you through this every month, not through this danger, or the hurt. It had to stop and this was the only way I knew how. I’ll be alright though, I'm at peace with it all now.
There is so much that I want to tell you, and I would give anything to kiss you one last time. I know that I wouldn’t do it justice with words though, so I’ll just say one thing. You were the best thing that has ever happened to me darling, and I hope that you realise it. You really were the thing that saved me at first, but God knows that even He wouldn’t have been able to help me now.
I love you so much Sirius, more then you could ever hope to realise, but please know that I did this to protect you.
It’s not your fault. Xx
Sirius stared at that piece of parchment, the one that spelled out the end. Drops fell from his cheeks, staining the parchment forever, but he just kept on staring at those four words.
It’s not your fault.