James Potter wakes up with a dark curly-headed boy in his arms, his back to Jame’s chest. He feels himself smile and leans his head down to kiss the beautiful boy’s curls. He’s always loved his curls since he was thirteen years old.
He had loved everything about Regulus since he was thirteen. Regulus hated the idea of any Potter, let alone the most snobby, arrogant Potter of all, and James knew deep down that he should hate him for it. He knew his heart should be breaking, and he should despise him right back. He didn't, though. He didn't hate him, no, not at all. He, pathetically, was happy the boy was even paying him any attention.
James’ favorite memory with his little star occurred one summer at Andy’s home in Italy. It was the sticky type of summer when Andy would have all the windows and doors open, and the only food anyone ate was sweet fruits and tea. Regulus had just finished calling James a “self-absorbed, good for noting dickwad” for accidentally spilling tea on his new white shirt when James looked him in the eyes and simply said, “God, youre beautiful.” Regulus looked horrified for a moment but immediately rushed forward and snogged James senseless. So much for hating me! James remembered thinking.
They were never apart after that night. They shared Reg’s tiny bed in his little room filled with posters of the smiths and Bowie that summer. Their limbs seemed to become one, and the humidity molded their souls together.
Every day, bit by bit, James felt his soul become one with his lover’s.
There was a memory that sticks out in James’s mind, from when he was freshly twenty and his boy was eighteen. He remembers them looking around at their new flat and smiling after finally reaching each other's eyes. “Dont you dare snog in front of me!” Sirius screeched from in between but slightly in front of them.
“Why did you even think that !?” asked his lover from next to him. “I can see it in their eyes, Moony. It's in their eyes!” he said, glaring at them. “Dont touch my brother, you perv.”
“Sirius!” screamed an appalled Effie, walking into the room. Everyone erupted into fits of laughter.
He remembers that night, when Effie made tea and cakes; everyone James loved was in that small flat together, celebrating his first home with his Reg.
He remembers whisking his lover away, taking him to their new room, and placing his hand on his heart. Their hearts beat simultaneously, and James knew it was because they were one.
Once, they were one of Zeus’s creations, with four legs, four arms, four hand, four feet, two heads and one heart. He saw how strong their love was, and the king of God’s feared it. He tore them apart and threw them down to earth, watching, entertained as they ran around searching for their other halves.
I found him, you fucker!
He heard Regulu’s heartbeat falter and jump offbeat, and James smiled, knowing they had plenty more time to let their souls intertwine.
James remembers Regulus whispering to him late at night about his dream of being a dad. James agreed that he would be a lovely parent, and that night they decided they would have a kid, no doubt in their minds.
He thinks about the time one year later, during Christmas. They were all circled together at Effie and Monty’s, opening gifts. Sirius got Marlene and Dorcas a pack of condoms, and they gifted him and Remus matching coffee cups with boobs all over them that said “I love girls” in the middle. Barty bought Pandora a new set of tarot cards, which she cried about. Mary bought everyone their own smutty romance books, with rude covers on every single one. (even bought one for Effie and Monty to share!). Lily bought Peter a shirt that said “I heart spanking!” on it, like the ‘I heart NY logo. Peter bought everyone a shit ton of their favorite candies, not picking up on the crude theme everyone else had going on. Barty and Even bought Remus and Sirius handcuffs, and they gave them paddles in return. Sirius shoved a shirt into James’s hand with a glare on his face, and James unfolded it to see “Im a brotherfucker!” in big letters on the front. James gave Sirius a huge smacking kiss on the cheek for it.
Effie made everyone their own sweaters, and Monty’s only gifts were for Lily, Regulus, and Sirius (“my favorites!” Monty would always joke). They all got notebooks that he made and bound himself. Regulus bought everyone books that reminded him of each person, full of annotations done by him. James remembered how adorably shy he looked, giving them out.
His sweet boy.
It was the most lovely Christmas James had ever remembered.
He thinks of how much he loves his boy and nuzzles closer into his curls back in the present. He hears his lover’s laugh, but everything stops.
That wasn't his lover.
“Your clingy, arent you?”
This wasn't his lover at all.
He immediately recognized that their heartbeats weren't the same, all unrhythmical.
No, no, no, no, no.
Where is my boy?
James watched as the imposter sat up and grabbed his clothes.
“I've got work, but I’ll leave my number. You’ll call, right?”
James says nothing. He just stares at the man’s face and thinks
Youre not my star. Why are you in my bed?
“Uh, I’ll take that as a yes. I’ve gotta go.”
James sits for a while after the man had left, staring at the wall and racking his brain on what's happened. He eventually stands up and moves through the apartment.
It's the same one he and Reg bought together years ago. All of the photos are just as he remembered. One with Sirius on his back at their graduation, a scowling Rems next to them, and a Peter jumping in the air. There's one of his parents smiling at the camera. One of Pandora, Lily, Marlene, Mary, and Dorcas in a big hug, with silly faces on.
My girls, he thinks.
He sees one of Sirius kissing Moony’s cheek. They thousands of ones of just Regulus. He smiles, looking at those. Sees the one of Barty, Evan, Pandora, Dorcas, and Reg at the beach.
It's all the same.
Where is my star?
Who was that man?
Why were his curl’s just like my boy’s?
Why was he naked?
Suddenly a nagging voice in the back of his mind is whispering at him to call Pandora.
He walks to the phone in a trance and dials the number he’s called hundreds of times. It picks up after the first ring barely rung.
“James.” says a lovely voice.
I love that voice. Reminds me of my Reg.
My Reg!
“Pandora, where is my Reg? I woke up in our bed with a naked man with Regulus’s curls, but his voice wasn't his. I dont remember what he looked like.”
“The man or Reg, James?” She sounds like she’s trying not to cry.
Dont cry. Reg would be sad.
His Reg!
“The man, silly! I know my boy’s face!”
She sighs.
“James, my love, Regulus is dead, remember. James, it's been a year. Have you taken your med-”
James hangs up.
Right.
That man with the curls wasn’t his Reg. His Reg drowned last year. He’s gone. God, I'm so stupid, thinks James. He’s been running around for a year like this.
The weeks after it happened, James never left his bed. He never changed the sheets, fearing his lover’s smell would be washed away. He never changed his clothes, barely slept, barely ate, and drank too much to be natural. His friends would knock on the door and call continually, but he would just click the lock and unplug the phone. He would stare at his boy’s pictures and memorize his face. He was horrified at forgetting it. He realized that staring at a piece of paper did no good. He wanted his Reg. His actual face, not just a stupid copy of it.
James remembers calling Sirius one night, and he immediately rushed to his apartment after he picked up and heard a simple “help” from James. That night Sirius held him and told him it would be okay, although he was still mourning his little brother just as much as James was mourning his lover.
They woke up curled up together, and James opened his eyes and let out a little “reg! My boy!” before breaking down after realizing, no, that isn't my boy.
After that night, he decided to stay away from Sirius for a little while. He would talk to him again, but just not now.
He thinks about how they never got to carry out any of their plans. James never got to see Regulus grow old. They never got to be woken up by a little kid, their little kid, jumping up and down on their bed. They never got to bring their kid to Effie and Monty’s, so they could escape for a date night. They never got to be proposed. James always knew he would be the one getting on one knee. The thought makes him grin like the sun in the middle of a storm of sobs, but he remembers how they never even got to get married, which makes the grin disappear. They never got to experience Moony and Pad's wedding together and never got to experience the argument over who gets to be Sirius’s best man. They never got to experience their happy ending.
Their souls were never completely molded together, and a part of James would be forever incomplete.
No one could ever love him as Regulus Black did—his little star.
God, he’s been so miserable recently. It would make Reg sad.
Reg!
Oh gosh, where’s my boy?
He’s probably wondering why I’m not with him.
I need to find my boy.