‘I’m sorry, hold on, pause. What do you mean Marlene Mckinnon kissed Dorcas Meadowes? Are you insane? They hate each other! There’s no chance they’d actually-‘
The second years’ sentence was abruptly cut off. She looked up from her seat beside the fire in the Gryffindor common room to see one Marlene Mckinnon glaring back down at her. It was a terrifying sight, even from a girl who considered herself to be quite brave. Marlene may have been short, but she made up for it in ferocity. Even when she looked as frightening as she did in that moment, the girl couldn’t help but appreciate how her honey blonde curls cascaded down her back, her usually warm blue eyes now ice cold, her fully belly laugh replaced with a look that could cut glass.
‘Oh, god.’ The second years’ friend mumbled.
‘Yeah.’ The girl on the other side of her agreed.
‘Did you just say Meadowes?’ Marlene demanded.
‘Er, yeah.’ she muttered.
‘I’m sorry?’
‘Yes, Marlene! I heard it from Ernie in Hufflepuff who heard it from Annie who heard it from Evan in Slytheri-‘
‘Yes, I know what house Rosier is from!’ Marlene snapped.
‘Oh - Marlene, er, I’m sorry, it really was just harmless gossip-‘
‘Harmless gossip?’ Marlene spluttered. ‘Harmless gossip?’
Lily appeared by her side, wrapping a comforting arm round her shoulder. ‘Girls, gossip isn’t harmless if it’s hurting people-‘
‘-I’m not hurt,’ Marlene spluttered. Lily pointedly ignored her.
‘I’ll let you off this time with a warning. If I catch you talking about this again, it’ll be detentions with McGonagoll for all three of you.’ Lily’s friendly, reprimanding smile was quickly sliding off her face. ‘Back to your dorm rooms. Now.’
Marlene watched them skitter off towards the staircase through watery eyes.
‘Evans! Hey! And is that McKinnon-‘
‘Potter,’ Lily hissed, glaring daggers towards where he’d just emerged through the portrait hole. ‘Do us a favour and toss off, yeah?’
‘Yeah, Potter,’ Sirius mocked with a rude hand gesture, ‘Toss off,’
‘Seriously. Leave, now.’ There was not an inch of Lily’s usual playfulness in her tone.
She could not see the boys expression, but she knew that both their faces had just dropped. Silently, so unlike them, they walked towards the other end of the common room where a reluctant Remus was playing chess with Peter.
‘How did it get to this, Lils?’ Marlene’s voice wobbled.
Lily wrapped her into a hug. ‘I know love, I know.’ Marlene’s chest heaved. Lily ushered her towards the stairs.
To Marlene’s credit, she held in the tears until she shoved the door open to their dorm. Then, she collapsed on Lily’s bed, tears streaming down her face.
Mary looked up from the dresser in the corner of their room where she was running oil through her hair.
‘Oh, Marlene, Lovely, it’s ok. Come here.’ Mary pulled her close to her chest, stroking her hair. ‘Do you wanna talk about it?
Marlene sniffed, opened her mouth to talk, and promptly burst into tears again.
She couldn’t remember the last time she’d cried like this. Not when her cat died in third year, not when she failed that potions exam she’d spent a month studying for, probably not ever. All these tears, and they were all over a girl.
Marlene wished she could tell herself Dorcas was just a girl. Hell, maybe if Dorcas was just a girl, then all of this would be simple.
Lily sat down beside her and started rubbing her back. ‘Do you wanna talk about it now?’
Marlene nodded.
She could remember a time when Dorcas was just a girl. When Dorcas was just the girl that sat two seats in front of her in potions. The girl who smiled at her when she went to go get her ingredients despite the fact she was a Gryfindor, despite the fact she was friends with those idiots that went by the ‘Marauders’, despite the fact she’d given her no reason to smile.
A smile without a cost. She’d liked that.
And then, at the end of fifth year, things had gone south. Dorcas wasn’t friends Snape, not as far as Marlene could tell, but even if they weren’t friends, the harmless pranks that the boys were playing on him stopped being harmless. The teasing turned into something worse, until it wasn’t teasing anymore, not even close. Marlene remembers Lily crying a lot those days. She’d constantly be pleading with James to stop the attacks, not that they worked for a long time. The only thing bigger than James Potter’s heart was his need to prove something.
By the time the Hogwarts Express came by to take them home, Dorcas no longer smiled at Marlene.
It ate at her, for a while, for unknown reasons at the beginning of sixth year. She couldn’t figure out why Dorcas was so mad, and better yet, she couldn’t figure out why she cared so much about it. All of a sudden, Marlene saw Dorcas everywhere. In the corridors. The great hall. The library.
‘Am I going crazy, or is Meadowes following me?’
Mary narrowed her eyes and turned her head to look down the empty corridor. ‘Your going crazy.’ She shook her head and continued down the corridor to Charms, leaving Marlene standing alone in a deserted hallway.
Taking one last look over her shoulder, Marlene muttered, ‘I am not crazy.’ And jogged after Mary.
As September faded into October and the leaves began to darken into a candle-lit orange, Marlene’s fears did not fade. In fact, the itch grew stronger.
She’d been partnering up with Remus that year since James and Sirius had jumped at the chance to drop Potions, Peter and Mary had opted for Muggle Studies instead of Potions and Lily insisted on being a good friend to Snape.
It had been going fairly well, as far as Marlene was concerned. She liked Remus, liked how different he was to his friends. Don’t get her wrong, she loved James and Sirius and their boisterous nature, especially when they invited her out on adventures (‘top secret marauder business!’ James had hissed) but she’d always appreciated the sense of calm Remus carried around with him.
She hadn’t always liked him. In their first year, when Marlene vowed that she’d never kiss a boy, Remus had always been the subject her friends teased her on the most. She wasn’t alone in her miniature crush; it seemed a lot of girls thought the same thing, especially the more they grew up, but Marlene seemed to get it the most. Once she’d gotten over her embarrassment, her eleven year old self swore she was going to marry him.
On a sunny afternoon in July, Marlene and Remus were sat beneath the trees by the black lake. Remus had opted out of doing whatever Marauder shenanigans James, Sirius and Peter had organised. Marlene’s friends had giggled and ran away once Marlene said she was going to meet Remus. Under the shade of the oak tree, with his nose in a book, Marlene tapped Remus on the shoulder.
‘Remus?’
‘Yeah?’ He said without looking up.
‘Have you kissed a girl before?’
That caught his attention. He carefully placed his copy of ‘The Picture of Dorian Gr y’ down beside him. ‘Er, no, why? Have you? Er, kissed a boy, I mean.’
‘No.’ She said, eyes cast down. ‘Mary has. Lily has too. I’m starting to feel like Im missing out.’ Marlene joked.
‘Well, I could-‘
‘Uh- I mean, Ok-‘
Remus placed a small peck on her lips before immediately darting back. He was so close to her face he had almost gone cross eyed. They stared at each other for a moment, before bursting out into laughter.
Minutes later, once Marlene’s cheeks hurt and her belly ached, She heard Remus say ‘So, we’re never gonna do that again, right?’ Marlene didn’t say anything. Remus looked panicked. ‘Right?’ Marlene couldn’t help it, her expression cracked into a snicker, and they dissolved into a fresh round of giggles, clutching at their stomachs.
In sixth year, things were far more settled. Marlene was crap at potions, everyone knew it. Remus excelled, and Marlene enjoyed watching. She smiled when Remus gave her little tasks like,
‘Could you cut up those flobberworms?’, or ’Could you stir it anti-clockwise while I do this?’
It suited Marlene. She had no ambition to become a potion master. All she had to do was get through her NEWTS, and if luck had it, she’d never have to pick up a textbook again. She’d be playing Quidditch every single day, on some famous team, soaring around stadiums and playing in championships, being cheered on by the crowd-
‘Marlene?’ Remus interrupted, ‘Could you de-tail these moles, please? When you’ve done that, put them in the cauldron and stir it for five minutes? ’ He lowered his voice to a whisper. ‘I just saw Sirius levitate a frozen frog across the classroom. Sluggy didn’t notice, thank God, but I just need to,’ He gestured at the door.
Marlene nodded. ‘Go. I’ve got this covered. Don’t you worry.’ Remus shot her a grin and hurried out the door while Slughorn had his back turned.
Marlene got to work de-tailing the moles. It was easy to get lost in thought, especially since the Gryffindor quidditch match was mere days away and Marlene had been desperate to try out that new move she’d seen in Witch Weekly, and by the time she’d finished she realised she was one mole short. She wandered over to the cupboard, lost in her own world - was it feint to the right, or feint to the left first? - before she found herself tripping, wobbling and landed promptly on her bum.
She scowled and huffed before heaving herself up. ‘Would you watch where your bloody going-‘
She was met with one perfectly arched eyebrow, deep amber eyes and an unimpressed look etched deep onto her face.
‘Oh- Meadowes. It’s you.’ Smooth, Marlene, real smooth.
‘Yep.’ She said, deeply unimpressed.
‘I wouldn’t of shouted if i’d know it was you- not that we’re friends of course, it’s just that-‘
‘It’s fine.’
Marlene looked taken aback. ‘Is it?’
‘Yep.’ Marlene struggled to remember the friendliness that used to exist between them. What had changed?
‘Have I… have I done something to you?’
‘What?’
‘Is that why your so unfriendly?’
‘Huh? No- I,’
‘Why then? What- what did I-‘
Somehow, from the time Marlene had got up from the floor to the now, their noses had gotten very close. Marlene knew she was probably turning an ugly shade of red with how worked up she was getting. Even Dorcas’ usually impartial expression was beginning to show the telltale signs of worry.
‘Nothing-‘
‘Then why!-‘
Marlene could tell they were beginning to attract eyes now. It was stupid, the way it had been bothering her so much. But even now, the itch was undeniable.
‘I just told you! I don’t-‘
‘Then why do you hate me!’ Marlene finally burst out.
‘For godsakes McKinnon, I don’t hate you!’
If Marlene had been paying more attention, perhaps she would have noticed that the potion Remus had so carefully prepared was beginning to bubble up to dangerous levels. Maybe she’d have noticed that it was not a deep forest green like the textbook advised, but a bright neon pink.
Instead, all she noticed was how the look on Dorcas face turned from disgruntled to shocked when the cauldron omitted a loud BOOM, bright pink sludge covering every area of the room, Marlene and Dorcas included.
Dorcas wiped a glob of neon pink slime from her cheek. Marlene winced.
‘Miss Meadowes! Miss McKinnon! What is the meaning of this!’ Slughorn boomed.
Dorcas had panicked look on her face. She met Marlene’s eye for a second. Marlene gave an almost invisible shake of her head. Dorcas looked away.
‘Well?’ Slughorn demanded.
They stayed silent.
Slughorn harrumphed. ‘Fine. If you aren’t going to grace us with an answer, perhaps you can think of one in detention. Scourgify! I’ll see you here at 7pm sharp, girls. Class is dismissed.’ He flounced back over to his desk, muttering under his breath.
‘Oh my god.’ Dorcas whispered, staring at the floor. ‘I haven’t had a detention in three years. And that was because of that bloody cat. Detention from my own housemaster? Oh my god. I’m dead.’
Marlene snorted. ‘Relax, will you? It’s just a detention. It’ll be over within a couple hours, and then you’ll never have to think about it again.’
Dorcas rounded on her. ‘Never have to think about it again? Are you joking? We’re in NEWTS! They must have records of this shit. And you - what was that? That whole,’ Dorcas threw her hands up, ‘Meltdown! Are you trying to get me kicked out or something? Is this some kind of twisted prank?’
‘No, no of course not! I was genuinely… curious. I just got a bit heated, that’s all,’ Marlene admitted.
‘A bit heated.’ Dorcas muttered. Suddenly, she shoved all her books into her satchel and barged past Marlene.
‘Hey! Where are you going!’
Dorcas did not grace her with a reply. She bumped Remus on the shoulder passing through the door.
‘Woah.’ Remus muttered, eyebrows raised. ‘What did you do to her?’
‘Don’t ask,’ Marlene moaned.
‘Duly noted,’ he replied, eyebrows still creeping into his hairline.
Marlene cursed herself. It was going to be a long evening.
She spent the rest of her day drifting from lesson to lesson, barely talking, utterly consumed with dread at the thought of detention with Dorcas. What if she blew up at Dorcas again? What if Dorcas hated her even more now? Had she messed it all up again?
Mary tried to cheer her up - pulling faces, cracking jokes - all the usual stuff that would make her laugh, but there was no success. Marlene was worlds away. She drifted into the Great Hall, ate about three bites of the Shepards pie in front of her, and promptly felt sick. She ignored the concerned looks her friends shot her when she excused herself.
Walking towards the dungeons felt like a death march. She knew she was a hypocrite, telling Dorcas not to worry about detention and then worrying about it herself, but she couldn’t help it. Marlene never used to care about detentions. She’d always taken them on the chin. But they always landed her in an empty room writing lines, not scrubbing out a cauldron with her arch nemesis. Well, ex friend. Were they even friends? Marlene didn’t know. Her head began to ache.
Marlene took a deep breath. She swung the door open.
‘Ah, Miss McKinnon. Kind of you to join us.’
Dorcas said nothing, just glared at the floor.
‘Now, you two will be here until you’ve scrubbed every last one of these cauldrons. There will be no use for magic. ‘ He smiled, and his tone turn sinister. ‘I’ll know if you do.’
‘Anyway,’ His grin returned. ‘I’ll be back to check on you in a bit. Ta-ta.’ He strode out the room.
Marlene suddenly felt awkward.
‘Well, do you wanna use, like, a system or something?’
‘Sure.’ Dorcas mumbled.
‘Brilliant,’ Marlene muttered.
The first thirty minutes of detention felt like the longest of her life. She scrubbed her cauldron on the opposite end of the room to Dorcas, muttering under her breath about her unfair the whole punishment was while periodically glancing over to see What Dorcas was doing.
Dorcas, to her credit, genuinely seemed to be trying to get the task complete. She was scrubbing so hard she didn’t even notice when Marlene wandered over to her.
‘Dorcas.’
Dorcas jumped.
‘Sorry, what?’
‘I asked how it was going.’
‘Uh, well, I think?’
Marlene heaved out a huge sigh, plopping down next to Dorcas.
‘Well I think it’s boring. I don’t even think Slughorn will notice if we don’t even. clean them he just wants to make us suffer for a bit. Everyone knows he spells them at the end of the day anyway.
Dorcas shrugged.
‘Cmon, you’re smart. You must have noticed how the cauldrons and the equipment is always spotless.’
Dorcas muttered something.
‘What?’
‘I said of course I noticed. I’m not an idiot.’
‘Fine,’ Marlene said. They fell back into an uneasy silence.
Marlene slumped onto the floor until her head rested against the ground.
‘What are you doing?’ Dorcas demanded.
‘What does it look like? Trying to have a rest,’
‘Well, can you do that later? These cauldrons aren’t going to scrub themselves.’
‘I already told you. He’ll spell them later, whether we clean them or not. I say don’t waste your time.’
‘Dorcas signed, holding her hands up and dropping her scrubbing brush. ‘Fine. What do you propose we do for the next three hours then?’
‘I don’t think it will be three, maybe two if we’re lucky.’
‘You didn’t answer my question.’
‘Fine. I don’t know what we do.’ they fell into another uneasy silence.
Marlene suddenly sat up. ‘I’ve got it! Twenty questions like at-‘
Dorcas snorted. Marlene’s face fell. ‘What?’
‘Twenty questions? What are we, twelve?’
‘Well, do you have any better ideas?’ Marlene demanded.
Dorcas said nothing.
‘That settles it then. Twenty questions. You can go first.’
Dorcas appeared to ponder that for a moment. Marlene couldn’t imagine what could possibly be so interesting about herself that twenty questions took this much thought.
‘Ok, what’s your favourite colour?’
Marlene burst out in giggles.
‘What? What is it?’
‘Favourite colour? That’s what you spent all this time thinking about?’
Dorcas blushed. ‘I didn’t want to ask anything hard.’
‘That’s the point of the game! It’s meant to make you know each other better! And it’s silver, by the way.’
‘Burgundy.’ Dorcas muttered.
‘Huh?’
‘My favourite colour. It’s burgundy.’
‘How very Gryfindor of you, Meadowes.’
‘Shut up.’
‘Fine. My turn. What’s your favourite subject?’
‘I thought the questions were meant to be uncomfortable?’
‘I never said that.’
‘You- ugh. Whatever. And you’re going to laugh at me for this, but it’s potions.’ Dorcas lay down on the hard floor beside Marlene, facing the ceiling.
‘Potions? Why potions?’
‘That’s two questions.’
‘Fine. Your turn.’
‘Why don’t you try in Potions? I mean, we’ve been in the same class since first year, and I’ve seen you do it before. You really aren’t that bad, especially back in third year when we were making that goblins broth. So, why?’
Marlene sighed. When she was laying on the floor like this, Dorcas didn’t seem so scary. She just seemed like, well, Dorcas. Not the girl who glared at her after fifth year. Not the girl that smiled at her before. Something new entirely.
‘It’s complicated, I guess. Never liked Slughorn much, to start. Always favoured the snakes over us. No offence, obviously. But I guess it started around third year when I got into the quidditch team. I’d always played Quidditch with my little brothers back home, always casually of course, and I’m the oldest too, so I never felt like I could really play, you know? Anyway, the first time I really got to fly was at quidditch try outs. I knew what I was doing, roughly, but I had no skill. Flying on the skin of my arse, to put it lightly. Frank Longbottom - you know, the old captain - told me to play chaser. I did, and the rest was history I guess. Nothing else has ever made me feel the same since. Didn’t feel worth it trying to be good at other stuff when I already know what I want.’
‘It must be nice.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You know, to know what you want,’ Dorcas explained. ‘I feel like Im fumbling through the dark, like. Everyone seems to have it figured it out and I just- don’t.’
‘You don’t have to know where you’re going right now though. You’ve got so much time, Meadowes.’
‘People don’t usually say that,’ She whispered. ‘They tell me to go into healing or some shit like that. They never say that.’
When they lapsed into silence, this time it didn’t feel uncomfortable. Marlene didn’t feel like they were two strangers lying side by side on the dungeon floor, she felt like they were Dorcas and Marlene, getting to know each other. It felt nice. Like coming home and taking off your shoes.
‘I never hated you, you know.’
‘What?’
‘What you said earlier. In Potions. I never hated you.’
‘Really? I just thought that-‘ she cut herself off. ‘I’m sorry about earlier, by the way. I got carried away.’
‘It’s ok. You just caught me off guard. But I don’t hate you. I’m sorry if I made you feel that way, it was just your friends - and I know, I know it’s not you - but they way they treated Severus-‘
‘They don’t anymore. They made a pact.’
‘- I know, but even still, they were awful to him. I got scared I guess. And angry. And then everyone got even more divided, and everyone in my house started hating Gryffindors even more. I guess I just did the same, but it wasn’t fair to take it out on you, or any of the other Gryffindors, for that matter.’
‘Come to the game.’
‘Excuse me?’
‘The game. On Saturday, I mean. I can show you that not all Gryffindors are bad. Hell, James, Sirius, Remus and Peter aren’t that bad, they just get carried away - don’t give me that look, I’m serious!
‘Are you sure? Do you know how weird it’s gonna be seeing a Slytherin cheering on a Gryffindor?’
‘I never said you had to cheer me on.’
The tips of Dorcas ears turned dark red. ‘Well, still. People are going to judge me. And you.’
‘I don’t care! Maybe it will stop all this house-war bullshit. Plus-‘
‘Fine.’
‘-You could always - wait, really? You’ll come?’
Dorcas chewed her lip and nodded.
‘Fantastic! Seriously, thats brilliant! And then after you watch the match, you can come back to the common room for the party and-‘
‘Woah. Hold on. Party?’ Her eyes widened.
‘Yeah, the after party.’
‘No, no, Im not going to the party.’
‘Cmon, you have to!’
‘No.’
‘What if you bought a friend?’
‘What about Regulus?’
‘Sirius brother? I have a feeling that would end badly. Sirius is sensitive on a good day. Could you not bring anyone else?’
‘Pandora?’
‘Yes! Pandora! This is going to be brilliant!’
‘What on earth have I gotten myself into?’ Dorcas muttered.
The dungeon door swung open, creating a loud crash. Marlene and Dorcas both sat bolt upright.
‘Less talking, more cleaning!’ Slughorns voice boomed. The door slammed shut.
They both dissolved into giggles.
Later, much later, Marlene would lie in her bed and stare at the ceiling, grinning to herself. Saturday, her chance to prove her quidditch skills to everyone who would watch, her chance to bring her team to victory, her chance to prove to Dorcas. If she were in Ravenclaw, she might have wondered why she felt she needed to prove herself to Dorcas, but in that moment, long gone two A.M, it didn’t seem important. A concern for the morning, maybe.
By the time saturday came around, Marlene’s giddy feeling had faded. Her head was howling with strategies and aims and all her knowledge about every player on the pitch, what she wanted to work, who she wanted to impress-
‘Marlene?’
Marlene looked up to find a dozen pairs of eyes on her.
‘Huh? What’s up?’
Lily opened her mouth, looked as though she was going to say something, and then shut it again.
‘Just making sure you’re ok, Marls,’ Remus interjected. ‘You were talking to your cereal bowl.’
‘Yeah,’ Sirius butted in, waggling his eyebrows with a grin. ‘Something about impressing-‘
‘Finish that sentence, Black, and I’ll force James to make you do laps after every practise for a week.’
Sirius looked smug, ‘Jamie wouldn’t do that, would you?’
James dropped Sirius eye.
‘James? Wait, you’d take McKinnon’s-‘
‘I’m not taking sides, it’s just that Marlene is very intimidating-‘
‘Treachery! Deceit! I cant believe you’d take the side of a girl-‘
‘I thought we were over the girl hating phase,’ Remus muttered.
James and Sirius rounded on Remus. ‘Shut up, Remus.’
Remus held his hands up in mock surrender.
‘Now, where was I?’ Sirius mumbled. ‘Oh yes. JAMES POTTER, THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, BETRAYING ME!’ He jumped up onto the table.
‘CHEATING IN ITS FINEST FORM!’ Sirius accidentally put his foot in the jam.
Marlene let her head drop back into the cereal bowl. Perhaps she’d get a better conversation out of her food.
Later, when her mind had started swarming like flies again, she followed the pattern of singular jam-coloured footprints down to the Gryffindor changing rooms. James had tried to talk to her, break her out of her head, alongside many other Gryffindor players. It was futile. Marlene’s brain was a whirling mess.
When they stepped out on the pitch, Marlene tried not to pause and look and the massive crowd in front of her. When she fantasised about being a famous quidditch player, the crowds always seemed like a good thing. In reality, they just made her feel queasy. As James shook the Ravenclaw captain’s hand, Marlene’s eyes couldn’t help but wander across the stands. There, she found all her friends. Lily and Mary holding up and red and gold banner that red ‘MC’KINNON THE MENACE’, Sirius waving his arms around and cheering wildly, Peter looking like he wasn’t sure why he’d agreed to come in the first place, and Remus smiling, watching Sirius cause chaos.
‘Positions!’
Marlene’s heart was racing. She was glad her friends were here, of course she was, but she still couldn’t see-
‘Game on three!’
Her eyes raced over the sea of green, yellow, blue, but no signs of-
‘Three, two-‘
There. In the mass of red and gold, right at the top of the stands, stood a singular figure of green. Donned in her usual Slytherin uniform, but red and gold stripes painted onto her face and big grin settled on her lips. She was so far away, almost out of sight, but the more delusional part of Marlene’s brain believed in that moment that Dorcas grin was reserved for her. Marlene’s heart practically did a back-flip.
‘One!’
Hooch’s whistle rang out through the arena, and then they were off, kicking off high into the sky, and it was time - truly time, for Marlene to show everybody what she was made of.
Later, when she listened to Sirius recounting the match, parts of it would could back to her in flashes. But in that moment, after Marlene had just put the quaffle into the ring a seventh time, approximately thirteen seconds before the match ended, all she would remember was the sheer volume of the cheering from the stands, the way that James flung himself off his broom and tackled Marlene into a bear hug, laughing in her ear and sending them both to the ground. She’d remember how Sirius was actually crying real tears, and how Remus was snickering at him, and how Mary and Lily were undoubtedly waiting for her back in their dorm room, not wanting to get caught up in the after-match frenzy. Most of all, she’d remember chasing that feeling of euphoria all the way to Dorcas, who was lent against a stand with a small smile intact. The distant hum of the celebrations seemed to fall silent in her ears.
‘You came,’ she breathed.
Dorcas amber eyes pierced her. ‘I said I would, didn’t I?’
And then, Marlene couldn’t hold herself back any longer. She let a deep laugh, straight from her stomach, and launched herself at Dorcas.
‘Did you see it? How close it was? I don’t even know how it happened-‘
‘Get off me! You’re sweaty and gross and-‘ Dorcas was laughing too, then.
‘Oh, you love me really.’ Without thinking, Marlene placed a big, slobbery kiss on Dorcas cheek. They both froze.
‘Sorry.’ Marlene chuckled nervously. ‘Got a bit carried away.’
A blush had rose onto Dorcas cheeks. ‘It’s fine, don’t worry.’
‘Anyway, are you still coming to the party? It’s probably already started, looking at how excited James and Sirius are.’
‘Yes- I mean yeah, I just have to go get Pandora from the Ravenclaw common room- she’s not fussed about quidditch, but she does love a party. Warning you now, you haven’t truly witnessed a party until Pandora arrives.’
‘Really? Well, that I’ve got to see.’
‘Marlene!’ A voice called from the other side of the now-empty pitch. ‘Get your arse here right now!’
Marlene shook her head, grinning. ‘Duty calls.’
Dorcas raised her eyebrows and gave a short wave. When Marlene’s heart raced all the back to the common room, she blamed it on the post-quidditch thrill. Even now, after Dorcas had gone out of her way to support Marlene, she couldn’t quite believed Dorcas had actually followed through. A Slytherin openly supporting a Gryffindor? It was the kind of thing that would echo throughout the whole school. Perhaps it wouldn’t have been so strange a few years ago, but ever since The Incident, the house war had only gotten worse. Butterflies took off in Marlene’s stomach at the thought of Dorcas sticking her neck out for her.
As she clambered through the portrait hole, she was bombarded with the sheer mass of red and gold that covered the walls, the floor, ceiling. And then, she was bombarded by a swarm of people too.
‘McKinnon!’
‘Marlene!’
‘Where on earth have you been!?’
‘Here have this, Peter nicked some firewhiskey from-‘
‘That last goal McKinnon! The Canons will want your for sure, if the Harpies or the Wasps don’t steal you first-‘
She’d grinned at that, sipped her drink, ignored the burn in the back of her throat, and let the party swallow her whole.
Before she knew it, she was dancing on the table with Mary to some muggle music that Sirius wouldn’t stop harping on about, twirling Peter around until they were both dizzy with laughter, watching as Remus guarded the vinyl player that James had pulled out of nowhere. It hit her that in moments like these, she truly did love her friends with her whole entire heart. They were idiots, and they were certainly not perfect, but she felt that there was something poetic about loving sharp edges.
Time melted into a haze of alcohol and shitty cigarettes that Mary had rolled. Don’t get her wrong, Marlene was having a great time. All her favourite people were in the same room. It was just that insistent tug, that familiar itch that was bothering her. She’d tried to ignore it, pass it off as something quidditch related, but when the clock read ten pm, she found she couldn’t any longer. She was just about to dive through the portrait hole herself she was confronted with a rush of white-blonde hair.
‘Er- hello?’
In her drunken mind, Marlene wondered if a polar bear had gotten lost and wandered up to the common room. Then, the blurry white blob turned around with a huge grin on her face.
‘Hello, lovely.’ Not a polar bear. ‘Nice to meet you. Pandora, as I’m sure you know. Anyway, would you mind pointing me in the direction of Lily Evans?’ Marlene noticed there were radishes hanging from her ears. Pandora was definitely not a polar bear. ‘She’s the best at Charms in our class, I wanted to pick her brains for a while. Amongst other things.’
Marlene frowned at that, confused. Dorcas just muttered ‘Fat chance.’
She felt close upon a realisation to something when Pandora shouldered past her and Dorcas said, ‘You look nice.’
‘I- What? I’m wearing the same clothes as earlier-‘
‘You changed your jersey-‘
‘Yes, for an identical copy of the one I was wearing earlier-‘
‘You look nice! Ok?’ Dorcas blurted, almost shouted.
Marlene’s pulse roared in her ears.
‘Thank you,’ she said softly. It sounded strange even to her own ears. Marlene was known for being gentle.
‘Dorcas!’ Peter bounded up to them. ‘I’m so glad you came, maybe you could help me get Remus to play ABBA. He needs at least three more shots before he’ll even think about it, and we have to be sneaky, so he doesn’t catch on-‘ Peter passed a drunk into Dorcas hand. A coil of something unfamiliar rose up in Marlene’s belly. It felt alarmingly like jealousy.
She shook her head, willing the thought away, and downed her drink in one gulp. Thoughts like that, Marlene considered banned.
Marlene stalked back over to where Mary, Pandora and Lily were sat. Pandora sat opposite Lily, slightly lent forwards, hanging off her every word. Mary sat on the sofa with Lily sat on the floor, braiding her long red hair. Marlene flopped down next to Mary
‘Who shat in your cereal?’ Mary asked, eyebrows raised.
‘What?’
Pandora started, ‘I could take a guess-‘
‘No,’ Lily interrupted gleefully, ‘You cant.’
Pandora nodded solemnly. ‘No, I cant.’
Mary laughed. Marlene’s eyes darted between them, feeling suspicious, until Mary passed her a cup. ‘That’s mine, but my hands are busy. You can have it if you want.’
Marlene drank. And when Remus came over and hauled her up to dance to the ABBA song that was ringing through the room, she drank again. James passed her a cup, and gave her a playful shove towards Dorcas, and she drank again. Soon, the floor was spinning, but Marlene didn’t care.
She grabbed Dorcas hands, trying and failing to get her to dance, giggling at her when Dorcas began to move her hips the smallest bit, twirling her round and round and round as the vinyls player in the corner called out, ‘Money, money, money, must be funny!’ Singing the lyrics she didn’t even know she knew the words to.
Time passed, and Dorcas relaxed more. Marlene’s smile only grew. Behind her, she could feel Peter looking at her, and Lily, Mary and Pandora whispering and giggling. She saw, out the corner of her eye, Sirius move very close to Remus, and James stepping inbetween them. (‘Peter, please, not while they’re drunk,’) But it didn’t matter, she didn’t care, nothing but Dorcas laughing and grinning, shoulders loose and dancing in front of her mattered.
After the music reached the end of the vinyl, Marlene found herself breathless. Dorcas didn’t seem to be in a much better place.
‘Do you want to go get some air?’
If Marlene didn’t know her better, she’d say that Dorcas had almost turned a little shy. ‘Yeah, where’d you wanna go?’
‘Astronomy tower, maybe? Where it’s not so loud?’
Dorcas pulled her leather jacket tighter round her shoulders and smiled an open grin. Marlene could tell that her walls were tumbling down. ‘Let’s go.’
Marlene opened the portrait gold for Dorcas, ignoring Pandora who loudly wolf whistled into her ear. (Why she’d done it, Marlene didn’t know. She thought it was best not to ask the girl with radishes hanging from her ears questions.)
They crept up to the tower, occasionally ducking into alcoves to avoid Mrs Norris beady eyes and Filches heavy footsteps, with hushed whispered and silent peels of laughter.
Once they reached the top, Marlene collapsed in a heap against the wall, and Dorcas slid down next to her.
‘It’s weird, you know. I thought you were so scary in potions, but you’re really just a big softy.’ Marlene admitted.
‘A big softy? With these good looks?’ Dorcas flicked her long braids over her shoulder.
Marlene chuckled.
‘Seriously though,’ Dorcas said. ‘You’re different to how i thought you’d be too.’
‘Really?’ Marlene inched forward, curious. ‘How?’
‘I thought you were just another Gryffindor.’ She admitted. ‘Head in the clouds, reckless, careless. Mean. I thought you were just like-‘
‘They’re not like that anymore.’
‘I know, but-‘
‘You thought I’d do the same things as them.’
‘I did. I know that the Slytherins aren’t saints either, but I guess I just assumed the worst. I know you better now.’
‘Yeah, what am I like now?’ Marlene felt genuinely curious, fuelled by the alcohol in her veins.
‘Well,’ Dorcas started, almost looking like she didn’t want to say too much. ‘You’re dedicated, so dedicated when you want to be. You speak when you want to, not when you’re expected to. You aren’t afraid to make things right. You want change, you want to let things heal, even when you know that it’s hard.’
Somehow, Marlene had gotten closer. ‘Yeah?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Well, Dorcas, you’re different too. You want change as well. You aren’t mean, or spiteful. You’re the hardest worker I know. And you try. You try so hard at everything you do.’
This time it was Dorcas that had moved closer.
‘You know,’ Dorcas whispered. Her eyes flickered down. I’m glad you went crazy on me that day.’
Maybe it was the manic thrumming of heart, maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was the goddamn insistent itch, but Marlene couldn’t resist it any longer. She surged forward and closed the distance. Dorcas took a sharp inhale of breath. Marlene shifted until they were flush.
It was objectively the best kiss of her life. The way that Dorcas kissed her back like she meant it, like somehow, she wanted this too. It was a million times better than those clumsy kisses with boys she didn’t particularly like. There weren’t just butterflies in her stomach now, there was a whole goddamn zoo.
Dorcas softly nibbled on her bottom lip, and Marlene’s mouth let out a soft sigh. Dorcas didn’t protest when Marlene crowded in front of her and gently pushed her against the wall. In fact, she responded greedily, hands roaming. Marlene found it hard to not get lost in it all.
And then, it hit her. She was here, alone in the dark with Dorcas. Kissing Dorcas. A girl. And enjoying it - not just a little bit, but thoroughly. She was still consumed in this thought when she heard a sharp gasp come from the stairway.
Lucius, a tall blonde boy who lorded his prefect status over everyone, stared back at them.
‘You-‘ He started.
‘Lucius,’ Dorcas blurted.
‘What are you-‘
‘Lucius, please,’ Dorcas spoke. ‘Forget about it, just this once. Don’t you remember that essay I wrote for you a few weeks ago? This is payback, yeah?’ She sounded desperate.
‘No, this is- out of order.’ He whispered. ‘Shame. On both of you.’
‘Wait,’ Marlene tried, ‘just listen-‘
But it was too late. Lucius was gone in a dramatic flurry of dark green robes.
Marlene clambered off Dorcas. ‘Oh my god.’
‘It’s ok, Marlene,’
‘But-‘
‘We can forget about it. Deny it. Pretend it never happened.’
The butterflies turned to ice in Marlene’s stomach.
‘You want that?’
Dorcas eyes searched her. ‘I want- so many things, Marlene. But I cant have them.’
Tears welled up in Marlene’s eyes. ‘I’ve never done this before, you know. Not with a girl, not with anyone. I thought you were different, that you’d understand, but you’re just as embarrassed as I hoped you wouldn’t be.’ Ice turned to fire, and the fire burned up Marlene’s veins. ‘I thought you were different. I thought you weren’t afraid of change.’ The realisation hit her like a ton of bricks. ‘I thought, maybe, that you wanted me too.’
‘I do want you, Marlene, can’t you see that? But think of what they’d do to us! I can never hold your hand the way you deserve!’
‘It’s too late for that!’ Marlene shouted. ‘Lucius knows, and by the morning everyone else will too!’ She rushed to her feet.
‘Marlene, wait,’ Dorcas grabbed her arm, but she shook her off. ‘Please, I just need a moment to think.’
‘You want me to change. You want me to deny every part of me to cover your own arse,’ Marlene said, stalking towards the stairs.
Dorcas said softly, ‘Please, Marlene.’
Marlene looked back at Dorcas through her tears. Dorcas amber eyes were full of sadness, of exhaustion.
‘I want to be brave. I want it more than anything. Hell, I want you more than anything, and I never thought i’d admit to that. But Im not brave, not really. Im willing to try.’
Tears were streaming down Marlene’s face. ‘Go to bed, Dorcas.’ And she fled down the stairs, ran all the way back to her dorm and collapsed in a heap on her bed, sobbing into her pillow.
‘There, there, Love.’ Mary murmured to her.
Now, back in the present, the wound did not sting any less. Talking to Mary and Lily helped, but it was all so fresh in her mind. Marlene knew that the rumours of last night would spread fast, but the second years had bought it all to a head. She let the tears flow.
She’d never felt so conflicted in her life. She wanted to Dorcas, that much was apparent. She’d wanted her for quite some time, too, if everything added up. Marlene didn’t want to deny who she was. She thought, secretly that a part of her had known she liked girls. And Marlene did not like to hide who she was - she couldn’t really, not when she wore her heart on her sleeve the way she did. Dorcas had bulldozed through every last one of her defences. She’d wanted Marlene to hide. She’d wanted to deny Marlene completely. The mere thought made Marlene want to crumple.
‘I know, Marlene.’ Lily soothed. ‘What a mess, huh?’
‘You can say that again,’ Mary said. ‘I wanna punch Meadowes. I wanna punch Malfoy. Arseholes at their finest.’
‘Hold on, Mar.’ Lily rebutted. ‘Lucius is definitely in the wrong, that much is obvious, but I really do think it’s worth talking to Dorcas.’
‘What?’ Mary demanded.
‘What?’ Marlene lifted her head, her voice cracking.
‘Hear me out,’ Lily rushed. ‘I know Dorcas fucked up, but from what you said, she did seem truly sorry. I don’t know her very well, but I’d bet that she wants to fix things. Or at least try to. The Slytherins aren’t exactly known for being accepting, and she was probably just panicked about the backlash she’d receive for… well… kissing a girl.’
Marlene sat up. ‘You think it’s weird, don’t you? You think it’s weird that I kissed her? Is it because we’re both girls?’
‘No, Marlene!’ Lily exclaimed. ‘I’d never judge someone for something like that. I grew up with a bigot of a sister and I’ve tried everyday to make sure I’m everything she’s not. I’d never, ever, judge someone for that.’
‘Yeah,’ Mary added, ‘Six years ago I found out that magic was real. And witches were real. And Goblins were real, and that they could talk. Trust me, even now, nothing is weirder than that. Not even girls kissing.’
Marlene let out a wet laugh at that. ‘You know I love you guys.’
Lily squeezed her hand. ‘How about we go get some breakfast, and you can talk to Dorcas after that?’
‘I just… I feel so confused. I don’t even know if I’m ready to have that conversation. I like her, but I hate her, and I don’t want her to hurt but I know that she hurt me. Does that sound crazy?’
Lily and Mary spoke at the same time.
‘Not at all, Love-‘
‘A little bit, yeah-‘
Marlene chuckled.
‘Just hear her out, ok? Have the conversations she wanted to have last night. You don’t have to make your mind up, or forgive her, or anything. Just listen to her, ok?’
Marlene chewed her lip. ‘Ok. Ok, I can do that.’
‘And if she even thinks about upsetting you again, we set James and Sirius on her for the rest of the year.’
‘Mary, no-‘
‘Come on,’ she chuckled, ‘let’s go.’
The walk to the Great Hall felt much like her walk to the dungeon for her detention with Dorcas. Marlene’s feet felt heavy, like they didn’t want to go as much as her mind didn’t want to go. She struggled to believe how much had happened in the past 24 hours alone. Getting closer to her dreams by winning the quidditch match, the roaring of the crowd, the feeling of pure elation when the final whistle rang out. The look on Dorcas face before Marlene walked away.
Marlene was still wrapped up in this thought as she sat down at the table and began to butter her toast.
‘Well done, for yesterday, Marls.’ Remus squeezed her shoulder. He didn’t need to say anymore, Marlene knew exactly what he meant. He was there for her, even if neither of them were going to say it.
Breakfast commenced in its usual fashion: jokes and laughs, James’ poor attempts at flirting with Lily, Sirius ‘accidentally’ touching Remus hand as he reached for the marmalade.
Marlene’s eyes searched for Dorcas at the Slytherin table before she even knew what she was doing. She ignored the way her heart dropped a little bit when she saw that Dorcas wasn’t there.
She could feel the weight of everyone’s eyes on her. The memory of the second years gossip still sat heavily on her mind. She knew that not everyone would be as accepting as Mary and Lily, but she still refused to show any signs of denying what everyone was thinking. Her friends glared at everyone who peered curiously at Marlene.
Still, even though she knew Dorcas was not there, she couldn’t help but wonder where she was. How she was. Would Marlene ever see her smile like she did that night again? Would she ever experience Dorcas looking truly carefree?
The only sign she had of Dorcas was Pandora and Regulus staring at her from the far side of the hall. She met Pandoras hardened gaze and looked away quickly, feeling stung.
Mary was deep into a discussion about muggle studies with Remus when it happened.
‘Well, Im just saying, if Dumbledore truly wants to stop the mistreatment of halfbloods and muggleborns, then he’ll sack Binns. It’s no wonder that we aren’t taken seriously when it’s impossible to enjoy the bloody subject!’
Remus nodded sagely.
‘Marlene?’
Her heart skipped. She looked up, and there Dorcas was. Dorcas looked just as presentable as she always did; her long locs tied up in a thick ponytail, her uniform perfect. The only giveaway of what had truly happened was her red-rimmed eyes and her steadfast frown.
‘Hi,’ Marlene hated how she sounded breathless.
‘Can we talk?’ She said, ‘Alone?’ More pointedly.
‘Yes. Yeah, of course.’
It was a challenge in itself just to ignore the stares and the whispers as they walked by through the hall. They eyes, the murmurs. The more pointed stares. Marlene tried to block them all out. She let Dorcas lead her through twisting corridors, up stair cases, far, far away from all other ears. She watched as Dorcas peeled back a tapestry and led her into a dark alcove.
‘Where are we?’
‘Honestly, I’m not really sure. I found it in second year, and I guess I just never forgot. I come here sometimes when I need to think.’ She paused. ‘We can, uh, go somewhere else if you wanted to, it was stupid, bringing you here-‘
‘No, no, really it’s fine-‘
‘I’m sorry.’ Dorcas blurted.
‘I-‘
‘No, wait, please let me speak. I just need to get this out.’
Marlene nodded.
‘Im sorry for saying we should deny it. I’m sorry for pretending I wanted anything else than you. I’m sorry for not trying harder. I’m sorry for not trying to make the change I wanted. I’m sorry for not beating the shit off of Lucius fucking Malfoy right there and then-‘ Her amber eyes were beginning to shine with tears.
‘Dorcas-‘
‘No, wait,’ She interrupted. ‘I just want to say that I want you, and I’m willing to try. I don’t want to hide forever, I just want you. Whatever you’ll give me. And you can tell me to fuck off and I’ll go, but I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life.’
Marlene opened her mouth, but nothing came out.
‘I just want you, Marlene. But I understand if-‘
And then, without even thinking, Marlene surged forward and pulled Dorcas into her. Dorcas made a muffled noise against her mouth before relaxing into the kiss.
When they pulled apart, Dorcas raised a hand to her lips and uttered a soft, ‘Oh,’
Marlene stared at her, just for a moment, drinking her in. Before she even said it, she knew it was true.
‘I forgive you. I’m sorry for overreacting-‘
‘You didn’t.’
‘-And I want you to know that I want the same. I just want you too. I was so sure of what I wanted, I had my whole future planned out. But I know I want you to be a part of it.’
Dorcas smiled then, and pulled her in.
Later, much later, when Marlene’s lips were swollen and Dorcas’ eyes had dried, when they’d missed their first lesson and their friends were surely wondering where they were, Dorcas said,
‘We’re really bad at this, you know.’
Marlene snorted. ‘What?’
‘I mean, if I never acted cold to you at the end of fifth and I just told you I fancied you there and then we’d have never gotten into this mess.’
Marlene sat up straight. ‘Hold on, wait, what? You fancied me then?’
Dorcas stared at her incredulously. ‘Yes? Was it not obvious?’ She laughed. ‘Why do you think I was so shocked when you started talking to me in potions?’
‘Because I had a meltdown on you?’
Dorcas laughed. ‘Well, yeah, but it was partly because I’d fancied you since the start of fifth. Pandora and Regulus teased me so much. That’s probably why Pandora was so thrilled when I told her about the party.’
Marlene burst out laughing then. ‘God, we really are a mess, aren’t we?’
‘Is it cheesy if I said I like this mess?’ Dorcas said sarcastically.
‘Yes.’ She deadpanned, her smile giving her away. ‘But I’ll allow it. Just this once.’
And when they walked into the Great Hall hand in hand later that day, a Gryffindor and a Slytherin - two girls, none the less - Marlene couldn’t find it in herself to care about all the stares and the whispers. She only cared about those amber eyes and Dorcas’ perfect smile.