“Are you sure it’ll be fine?” Remus asks, “Cause I could just go to the library.” He looks tired, the under-eye circles press into his skin, they don’t seem to go away. James doesn’t think he’s been sleeping that well, well he knows he hasn’t been. Every night he can feel him shifting around trying to get comfortable, he doesn’t know that James is awake too, he can’t sleep, he’s too busy thinking. Remus doesn’t even like to be in the dorm but it’s not like there’s anywhere he can go, it’s only been a few days since it happened. He spent some of it in the hospital wing. He preferred it to this. James collects his hands in his, tracing over his knuckles softly.
“I promise you it will be,” he says. “Reg won’t mind.”
Remus nods unsure, “Alright.” He’s been more soft-spoken around James now, like he doesn’t know where to place his hands. Around everyone else, he wears his anger on his sleeve, his face in a constant state of annoyance. Especially when… he’s around. But then when it’s just him and James his shoulders droop and he lets himself relax. Or at least as much as he can. It’s always been like that to some extent, in the two years that they’ve been dating James has seen it. The comfort Remus feels when he’s around. He’s his safe space and James wears that badge proudly. Though before it wasn’t sad. It was sweet then, now James looks at him and wants to cry, he thinks Remus wants to cry too.
James ducks his head on Remus’ shoulder, talking is hard for him too. He’s not sure what to say, to anyone not just Remus. After what happened they both know nothing will ever be the same again, there’s always going to be something different. He doesn’t know what to do with it. They’ve spent a lot of their time alone but James has been getting anxious without Regulus too. He needs both of them to be okay. He loves Remus, he does, and he wants to be with him, he wants to protect him. But he hasn’t had the chance to explain to Regulus what’s been going on, he needs to see him too.
Remus said he would go out to the library, go study, or something or other. It was James’ idea for him to follow. He knew he didn’t really want to be alone, Remus that is. James can tell when he wants to be left alone and when he doesn’t. Right now Remus just wants to follow James like a shadow, he knows he won’t be bothered if he’s around. James likes it too, he wants Remus around him, he grows worried when he’s not. He knows Remus won’t do anything if he’s alone, he’s more so scared of what someone might do to him. He left him out of his sight once and it led them here. Never again.
James kisses his collarbone mumbling, “I love you.”
Remus hums sadly, “I love you too.”
There’s something so soft between them now, something breakable. James hates it. He wants to put it away. He has to force himself to pull away, he wants to stay wrapped in his arms forever, he never wants to leave him. “I was gonna talk to Reg outside,” he says, “Just to explain that you’re in here and everything.”
Remus nods, “Okay.”
“Okay,” James squeezes his hand one last time, “I’ll see you in a minute, yeah?”
“Are you gonna tell him about…” His words drop.
“I’m gonna tell him that,” he forces out the name, “Sirius did something. But not what he did or why. I think.”
Remus shudders at his name, “That’s fine.”
James wants to say something else. He wants to know how to heal him, but he’s afraid it’s beyond him. He wants to kill Sirius, he wants to hug him too. “I’ll be back,” he pushes out instead rushing from the room. He feels his hands begin to shake, he can’t do this now. He can’t do this period. No matter how much it hurt him what Sirius did it hurt Remus more. That has to be his priority. Thankfully it doesn’t take long for Regulus to show up, walking towards him with his head on a swivel. Relief floods his eyes when he sees him. The entire school knows about them, or at least they don’t really hide it, but Regulus is still nervous about it. Like his parents will come out and jump him no matter if he’s safe on school grounds, and them for that matter he ran away a few months ago.
“What are you waiting out here for?” He asks, stopping in front of him.
“I have something to tell you,” James swallows thickly.
Regulus blinks slowly, “Okay?”
“Remus is inside,” James gestures to the room, his words fall quickly from his lips. “And I know you two don’t really talk, just because I’m dating both of you doesn’t mean that you have to interact. I meant that when I said it, I mean you can interact if you want to. I’m not stopping you, I would love for you two to be close to each other you know that—“
“James,” Regulus stops him, “It’s okay, slow down, yeah?”
“Right,” he takes a breath, “Sorry.”
“It’s fine,” Regulus says, “What’s wrong?”
“Sirius did something,” James bites the inside of his cheek, and he feels his eyes sting. He hasn’t talked about it since the meeting in Dumbledore’s office, he cried during that too. Well after if he’s getting technical, but he was still in the office. “And I don’t really I don’t wanna talk about it but it was bad. And it hurt Remus and it really—I just I don’t want him to be alone right now. He doesn’t want to be alone right now. He can’t go to the common room or the dorm he might see him and they’ll get in a fight and it’ll just be awful, he can’t handle that. So I asked if he could come with me here, and I know this is the time we normally spend together. And I would cancel if you really don’t want to see me with him but I just I really missed you. And I’m just so— I really needed to see you, Reg I just—“
He doesn’t even realize how badly his hands are shaking before Regulus takes them in his own. He doesn’t feel the hot tears on his face either until Regulus dries them. He shushes him softly, “James, it’s okay. I’m fine with him being in there.”
James sighs with relief, “Oh.”
Regulus tugs him into his chest. James shouldn’t be crying, but he can’t help it. He misses Sirius. He hates Sirius. He wants him gone. He hurts for Remus. He hurts for himself. He hurts for everything. He hurts. “What did my brother do?” There’s a certain harshness in his words, like he’s about to kill someone. James doesn’t want that, he doesn’t want Sirius to be in pain. He wants to kill him himself.
“I don’t wanna talk about it, it’s not,” he sniffles, “He didn’t hurt me. He hurt Moony.”
Regulus pulls him away to look into his eyes, his hands placed on the sides of his face, “You’re crying. Hurting Remus hurt you.”
James chokes, his throat closing up. “I don’t know what to do Reg, I just— I can’t cry I need to have Remus. He needs me.”
Regulus nods, “You have him, okay? He’s going to be fine. You have to let me have you.”
James shakes his head, “I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not, mon chéri.”
James blinks quickly, “Can we just…. pretend?”
Regulus watches him for a long time, slowly running the pad of his thumb over James’ cheek. “I don’t…”
“I just can’t do it right now, Reg, okay?” James says. “I’ll deal with it later I promise I just can’t right now. I need to take care of Remus.”
“Okay,” Regulus whispers, kissing the side of his face and his tears along with it. “We can pretend then, for a little while.”
“Thank you,” James mumbles.
They stand outside for probably too long, James’ stomach is in knots over it but he can’t very well go inside looking like he had just been crying. So they wait. Regulus mumbles to him sweet nothings he’ll surely take back when he’s better. Regulus gets all soft when James is sad. He’s told him before that he’s the only person he knows how to comfort. Put a crying person in front of anyone else and Regulus stares at them wide-eyed, or walks away hoping someone else will deal with it even if it’s one of his friends. James is different. He knows exactly what to do when it’s him.
“We should go inside,” James whispers after enough time is passed, “He’s waiting in there.”
Regulus gets them both up from the place they found themselves on the floor, pressing one final kiss to his lips before pulling away. “You okay?”
James shakes his head, “I don’t think I ever will be again.”
James isn’t the best at admitting his true emotions to people. Remus and Regulus are the only ones who see every part of them. Sirius too, to some extent, or at least he used to. James doesn’t like showing every facet of himself, some things are simply better left hidden. He takes a breath, setting his face up the way it should be. Combing through his head to remove any signs of tears.
Regulus kisses him again because of it, before grabbing his hand and urging them towards the door. James is surprised he’s the one bringing them into the room, though Regulus is still in comforting mode. He’ll do anything he can to make James feel better, bringing him to Remus will do just that. When they started this whole thing James thought it would be weird for Regulus and Remus to interact with each other. For James, it didn’t feel weird. He didn’t feel any jealousy between them, he didn’t love one more than the other. If Regulus and Remus one day decided they loved each other too in the way James loved them he would love it. If they didn’t that would be okay too. He didn’t know how to explain it exactly, but it’s always worked in his head. He has room for both of them.
Obviously, Remus was the first person James told about this, his feelings towards Regulus mainly. He was full of nerves his hands shaking much like they are now. They were sitting in his bed, a silencing spell around them to keep out any curious ears. James thought Remus would want to break up, he clung to his hand like it would be the last time. He told him he still loved him the same way he always has. He told him nothing had changed. Then he told him he had fallen in love with the star, much like he fell in love with the moon a year previous. Remus shut him up with his hands on his face and asked him to slow down. After a long night filled with comforting kisses and words, Remus told James to go after Regulus, to hold them both in his hands. Regulus was another obstacle, James didn’t know how he’s react either. But he was much of the same. He didn’t mind if James’ heart held two instead of only one.
As their situation progressed James always had the fear that the more he brought the other person up in front of the other they would grow jealous, or envious. Of course, none of it came. Regulus watches James rave about Remus with soft eyes every single time, and Remus does much of the same. He’s free to love who he wishes. And even if his loves don’t talk to each other as much as he would want them to. It’s all he could ever ask for and more.
Remus is still on the couch when they walk in, only now he has a book in his hands. He must’ve made it appear when he realized how long they would take. Though he makes no comments on the time it took, he barely even glances up at them. James expected this, he probably should’ve warned Regulus he’s not really talking much right now.
“Whatcha reading?” James asks, tugging Regulus to sit on the couch with them. The only awkwardness is slight, and only because the two haven’t talked much. Like two friends of the same shared friend being locked in a room together. They’re not sure what to say.
Remus looks up at James then, speaking with his eyes and nothing more. He tells him he wants to be ignored, he doesn’t want to leave not necessarily. He just wants to be alone in a room with him, that’s all. James understands, and he tries to tell that back to him.
When he looks back at Regulus he doesn’t seem to understand what happened between the two of them, James hopes that one day he understands. “How was your potions exam?” He asks instead, pushing his thigh into Remus’ to tell him he’s still here. “Was it hard?”
Regulus doesn’t miss a beat, “You’re thinking about you. I’m excellent at potions.”
“Well of course,” James says, “How could I forget?”
Their conversation divulges from there. They do as they do most days they’re in here, fiddling with each other's hands as they talk about their days. Remus is there, he is not ignored, they both know he’s in there. But they don’t change how they act because he’s there. There is no uncomfortable air, there’s nothing that tells them something has changed. Eventually, Remus rests his head on James’ shoulder, pushing himself into his body to seek some sort of comfort. He still doesn’t want to speak, and James doesn’t force him. It’s such a soft air around them, he doesn’t want to ruin it. So he kisses Regulus' hands and keeps him close to. Trying to cling to any sort of comfort he can before he needs to leave this room again and face the bitter reality that his life has become. In this room, Sirius doesn’t exist. In this room, there is no such thing as pain. In this room, they’re alive and in love and that’s all that matters.
Regulus and Remus still don’t talk, though that doesn’t mean they ignore each other. There simply isn’t anything for them to say, they don’t need to ignore each other not to interact.
Time passes very quickly after that moment, or perhaps it moves slowly James isn’t exactly sure. He and Remus stay in the room in their nights while Regulus sleeps in the Slytherin dorms, though sometimes he does join them, especially when they stay there late at night and he doesn’t have the energy to walk all the way down to his dorm. It takes a while for Remus to have something to say, that is besides an occasional remark about whatever James and Regulus are talking about at the moment. Time can heal all wounds even if it doesn’t seem like it from the outside. James still finds himself crying when he’s alone with Regulus. He finds himself pining after Sirius every time they glance at each other from across the way. He also still finds himself wanting to hunt him down for hurting Remus. Time makes things no less complicated, but slowly it turns open wounds into scars.
It starts out only when they’re alone. Remus starts smiling softly whenever James says something stupid, which is very often if he’s being honest. Sometimes he even does it on purpose just to make him laugh. Regulus rolls his eyes at him, nudging him with his foot teasing him for it. If there’s anything James loves more than anything it’s being with both of them at the same time. They’ve been so separate for so long, and though he does understand why that was, and he appreciates the time he spends with them separately. When they’re together it’s just different, they balance him out, and he can spend all his time watching both of them at the same time. Surrounding himself with loves that kisses the blood from his wounds and makes it better.
There has only been one time they were together outside of the Room of Requirement. Regulus and Remus were the first to arrive at the Slytherin dorms, James can’t even remember why they were going up there in the first place. All he remembers is walking up there and hearing Barty ask, “What is your boyfriend’s boyfriend doing here?” To Regulus. He was too busy containing his laughter to hear a response.
Things aren’t good, in any respect. He’s still hurting, he’s still in pain. Remus is too. But slowly pretending to be okay is getting easier. So being okay has to be somewhere around here. Things have to be okay soon, he doesn’t know how much longer he can deal with all of this.
He hasn’t talked to Sirius in months, and summer break is just around the corner. He knows he’ll have to talk to him when he gets back. Though James’ mum knows about the Sirius and Remus situation she’ll probably push them to talk. Sirius is her son too, in a way, she won’t just allow him to rot. James doesn’t even know if he wants him to rot, it all gets confusing in his head. James doesn’t want to think about it, he never wants to think about it. So instead he makes a wrong turn going to the room and heads into the kitchens instead, collecting up Regulus and Remus’ favorite foods to bring it to them.
Recently Remus has no longer been James’ shadow, he kind of misses him now that he’s gone. He’s alright being on his own. Sirius won’t go and talk to him, he won’t try anything. Or at least James prays he doesn’t. He can’t deal with it, not now, maybe not ever. He’s not sure where they stand. Anyway, this leads to Remus and Regulus spending a lot of time together when James is running over to the room late. They’ve seemed to fall into a nice rhythm. They talk about the books they’re reading together and James can admire them as they do. There’s nothing romantic about them, but there’s something. As more time goes on James notices it more and more. He’s not sure how to describe it. There’s some love held between them he’s just not sure of the name of it.
Sometimes when Regulus is ranting about something or other in French, James can’t understand him but he still listens every time, James catches Remus watching him with admiration. It’s not quite the same way James looks at him, with that dumb love look in his eye, but there is a certain softness to the look. It’s the same when Remus gets on his own tangents, Regulus is watching him in awe. James' heart is full and he couldn’t ask for anything else.
For once he has a smile on his face when he walks into the room, Sirius's name is far from his head. He knows it won’t last all that long, he knows he’ll come running back into his head soon. But for now, it’s alright, it’s better. He has plates all laid out in his hands, haphazardly placed on the urge of falling down. The sound of Remus’ sobs is what first knocks him out of his fantasy. He drops the plates on the nearest surface, without any other thoughts besides the one urging him near him. He needs to hold him, he needs to wipe away his tears. It’s then that he sees Regulus is already in that position, holding him with his grip tight around him. He’s whispering something in his ear but James is too far away to hear what he’s saying. It’s such a beautiful tragic sight, James isn’t sure how else to describe it.
“Moony?” James says softly, taking a slow step forward. He doesn’t want to be too much, he wants him to come to him. Remus keeps his head ducked into Regulus' arms but turns to put his gaze on James. There’s something broken in his eyes. James wants to cry too.
“Sirius,” Remus chokes out.
James’ heart breaks, he feels it chip in his chest. Suddenly he can’t breathe, he can’t do anything. He takes a seat on the bed beside them, carefully wrapping his own arms around Remus, trying to give comfort and seek it at the same time, “What happened?”
Remus shakes his head, “He found me. We fought. I hate him. I miss him too.”
The tears fall down James’ face then, hiding in Remus’ shoulder, “I know, me too.”
Regulus tightens his grip on both of them, “I’m gonna kill him.”
Remus chokes out laughter, closing his eyes, “He’s your brother.”
“Doesn’t matter,” Regulus tells them, “He hurt the both of you. He deserves it.”
Neither of them argues with him, James kind of wants to. He doesn’t know if Sirius deserves death, he doesn’t know what he deserves. He just wants to go back to the way it was. Use a time-turner and just go back to an easier place.
They don’t tell Regulus what happened. They don’t give him all the details. If they did James is sure there would be nothing stopping him from going to kill him. He might even join in, or he might save Sirius from his grip. He’s never really sure.
Remus lifts himself out of their arms, wiping away his tears, “I don’t think I can do this anymore.”
James nods, “Yeah.”
Regulus rests his head on Remus’ shoulder, leaning across his chest to grab James’ hand. He doesn’t even need to say anything. He doesn’t really know what to say, and that’s okay too. James understands, they both do. “If he does anything this summer,” Regulus eventually says, “I’ll stop him.”
They’ll probably spend a lot of the summer at Remus’ away from everything, away from Sirius. James will bring Regulus too. They can stay in their little oasis far away from everyone else. They don’t need to worry about Sirius yet, they can ignore him still. James knows it’s foolish to think this will last forever. He knows eventually they’ll have to face him again, and find somewhere in them to forgive him. Sirius still has a piece of James’ soul clutched in his hand, that love doesn’t just go away. He wishes it would.
That night is far from the end of the pain. It may only be the beginning. It’s the breaking point. It allows them to feel the pain they’ve been running from all this time. It allows Regulus to comfort both of them, it allows them all to comfort each other. Years down the line they’ll look at that moment and realize it’s the beginning of a new chapter for them. One that doesn’t only have James and Remus, or James and Regulus, it has all of them. Regulus and Remus never become what James is to either of them, though their love is never anything less, it’s only different. They may not share kisses under the mistletoe when the season is right, or breathe each other in when the stars lay high. Their bond is just as important as James’ and they spend many nights together alone, falling asleep on the couch of their shared apartment.
Though that is all in the future, and right now the three boys are sitting on the bed in their little hideaway, pining for a future while regretting it at the very same time. There’s not much to say about it all, their love speaks for itself. James rests his head on Remus’ other shoulder and squeezes Regulus’ hand three times, hoping and praying that one day maybe it’ll all be okay. Remus kisses the top of his head, while Regulus squeezes his hand back, and only then does he know that it will be.