05 | DRUNK AND CIGARETTE SMOKE
You stare in disbelief at the notice that stares back at you mockingly from behind the glass door of the 'Marauders Tattoo Parlour'.
'NOTICE' it said in bold red sharpie, right above a handwritten message that you recognise as Remus' neat penmanship, 'due to personal reasons, Prongs, Padfoot and I (Moony) will be keeping the parlour closed until further notice. We kindly ask that you remain patient as private matters are being sorted through and resolved. We are still open for online and phone consultations to discuss designs and potential future appointments. Kindest Regards, The Marauders'. Beneath the polite and brief explanation of current circumstances was a business email address and phone number as well as working times for phone calls.
The weeks following your discovery of the boys' true relationship, you rarely ever passed their parlour. A little over three weeks has passed now and you've finally been able to walk past their studio doors close enough to read the notice. You're frozen in place as dread and worry cultivates shards of sharpened ice to grow within you. Freezing up your senses, freezing up your mind and freezing up limbs. Yet, your heart is racing like never before, your blood pounding against your ears like a drummer gone mad.
The feeling that settled in your stomach wasn't a pleasant one, especially when you felt completely responsible for the boys' sudden hiatus in business. They had often talked to you about how much the parlour meant to them, how it was their best investment and remains their biggest source of opportunity — an opportunity to help people express themselves. It's a form of freedom that many have been deprived of (themselves included) and they were honoured to now be able to provide that same freedom to others. For them to completely close up shop like this was completely bizarre.
How long have they been closed for?
You bite your lip and will yourself to move your feet, the ice in your limbs breaking uncomfortably, shattering into a million knives of ice, shooting pins and needles up your arms and legs as if your blood had been frozen up too. As you walk away, you slip your phone back into your pocket, where your hands also remain.
While contemplating what could have happened to your favourite tattooists and piercer, you made sure to save a picture of their business phone number onto your photos.
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You were never able to call their business number. And you had many excuses lined up to absolve your cowardly behaviour. The main one being that it was their business number, it wasn't meant to be used for a conversation between friends. Were you even still friends at this point? The thought made you shiver and stole the appetite right from your stomach. It was a greedy little thing cowardice, regret too. They've stolen many things from you, your appetite was their favourite thing to purloin, motivation another, happiness as well. Nasty, selfish and greedy thieves. But you weren't brave enough to confront them and make them stop. And that, alone, makes you their willing accomplice — so who's really to blame?
It didn't help that through this entire ordeal, you've realised that none of the boys have exchanged phone numbers with you. To say that you were bitter was an understatement. If they never gave you their number, why would they want you ringing them in the first place?
...maybe they didn't have a reason to? You couldn't remember a single time after the day you first brought them that homemade 'thank you' lunch where you hadn't seen them on a regular basis. And now that you were used to seeing them almost daily, your life has since been bleeding of colour and vibrance. Days are dull and monotonous, it's hard to motivate yourself to do pretty much anything, let alone your job.
"Yer've been sighin' so much these days, I'm startin' to see wrinkles forming' on yer cute lil' face lass," Furgus comments, nudging your hip with his own as he passes by you behind the counter.
Flustered, you scramble to get back to work with a quick apology, evidence of your embarrassment heating up your cheeks as you do so, "I'm so sorry Gus,"
With hearty laugh, the burly Scottish man pats you on the back and whispers some reassuring words, "Yer've got nothin' ta worry about lass, I jus' wan'ed ta see if you were al'ight is all,"
"I'm okay," you smile grateful for his care only to be met with suspicious eyes and a deep, bearded frown.
"Don't grow a habit o' lyin' ta me lass, it won't do ya any good," his words make more heat rise to your cheeks but you reassure him as best as you can in between taking orders and serving drinks. It was no use however, Fergus saw you as his own daughter, he knew you like the back of his hand and you know that he had his suspicions of your odd behaviour lately — all derived from a sadness he didn't like you wearing. Thankfully, he decided to leave you alone with your sorrow and regret and focused back on managing the pub. Tonight was pretty average, you saw the regulars and greeted them with a friendly smile that didn't quite reach your eyes; if any of them noticed, they never said a thing about it to you. Thank god.
It seemed like it would be another regular night until you caught sight of a familiar figure in the corner of your eye. You had just gotten back from your break when you spot James at a far table, nursing a pint and buried under a sheet of suffocating misery all on his lonesome.
"James?" you breathed in disbelief with a wide-eyed stare directed right at him.
"You know that guy?" Bonnie, your coworker, asks in a whisper into your ear and you had no choice but to nod your head in confirmation — you've already outed yourself, there was no point in lying, "well he's been drinkin' himself to death for the past hour or so, what's gotten into him? D'ya know?"
"No..." you're a liar.
"Well ya be'er find out or else imma have ta kick the poor bastard outta 'ere," Fergus comments, his arms folded over his large chest and his brows knitted together in disapproval.
"May I—...?" you begin to ask softly, sending a curious look towards Fergus who meets your eyes with a small smile and a wink.
"Consider yerself off fer da night," with a smile, you thank him and take a breath before making your way over to the miserable tattooist.
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"Angel!" James smiles happily at the sight of you, his drunken state adding an adorable dopiness to his already charming grin, "It's you~" he coos and wraps his arms around your middle to bury his face into your stomach when you were close enough, "I missed you so much, angel~" he sighs, his voice muffled by your clothes as he refuses to detach himself from you, "even if this is just another dream..." you barely hear him and you almost curse yourself from being able to because his words make your heart drop to your stomach.
"James," you ask softly, "can you please get up?"
"Why?" he shuffles to press his chin into your lower belly and stare up at you with those sweet hazel eyes of his. The sneaky bastard, he knows how weak at the knees you become from his simple stare. You've never told him so and often put in the effort to not show it but you know, he knows.
"Because you need to go home," he gives an incredulous look at your reasoning and he's adorable doing so, even in his drunken state.
"Why would I need to do that when you're right here?" he slurs and hiccups, your heart pounding erratically at his words.
"James please—"
"No!"
"James—"
"'m not going home! I wanna stay here with you," he presses his face into your stomach again and sobs into your clothes, "you're gonna disappear again," he sobs miserably, "I don't want that..."
"Please just let me call you a taxi James?" he doesn't respond, pressing his face further into your stomach as you comb your fingers through his dark hair, you touch gentle and comforting, coaxing him into some compliance, "remind me of your address again and I'll call you a taxi, okay?"
"NO!"
You suppress a defeated sigh.
It takes several minutes of coaxing until you're finally able to take his phone from him. He refuses to let you call him a taxi and you weren't going to force him to walk home alone in his drunken state so you're going to have to do the one thing you can think of that'll guarantee his safe return home. Not that you'll enjoy it because it means confrontation.
"Can you tell me your passcode, please, James?" you ask in a gentle whisper, only to him, "I need to do something very important on your phone,"
With a large smile he recites the digits, "22nd of the 6th, 17," the way he says it makes your raise a brow. Sensing your curiosity, James answers your silent question, "is the day Moony, Pads and I became official," he giggles adorably to himself as you smile somewhat sadly — another reminder that you should stay away. You don't say anything to prompt him further and, instead, type in the code before looking through his contacts. It takes you a moment but you're eventually pressing call and waiting patiently for Remus to pick up.
"...James?" Remus' familiar, kind voice speaks tiredly through the phone and you don't know whether to breath a sigh of relief or worry, "Hello?"
It takes you a moment but you finally will yourself to speak, "Hey, um, Remus?"
"...Dove?" he's in complete disbelief and it's evident in his voice, "Is that really you?"
"uh...yeah," you chirp sheepishly and Remus is all forms of elated but his excitement dwindles quickly when he realises how you're able to call him.
"Why do you have James' phone?" you were right to call him, knowing that he was preceptive, reasonable and easy to talk to even with the tension in the air. Patiently, you explain the situation, never taking your fingers away from James' hair as he practically purrs into your form, adoring the physical contact and muttering to himself happily. It's especially loveable like this, considering that it's him being dopey and giggly and not anyone else.
"Oh..." Remus sighs, clearly disappointed, "I'm so sorry, darling, I'll get him right away,"
"It's no trouble, Rem," it was hard not to cringe when the familiar nickname easily rolls off your tongue. As if nothing happened — oh how you wish for such a reality!
"Just tell me where you are and I'll be right over," you don't know if you're just imagining it but there's a considerable shift in his voice, he sounds much softer after hearing his nickname easily fall from your lips.
"We're at the Boar and Elephant pub on Chapel Road,"
"Alright, I'll be there soon," with a click, he was gone and you were left to keep James satisfied until he got there. It wasn't an overly tough job; James seemed perfectly content nuzzling into your stomach with his arms hugging you in place as your fingers massage his scalp and gently groom his hair. He's like a puppy, eager to receive affectionate cuddles and pets. If he had a tail, he'd be wagging it like crazy and you giggle to yourself at the mental image it conjures up.
"I missed that..." James mutters, maybe to himself but it wasn't clear.
"I'm sorry?"
"I miss the sound of you giggling," you don't know what to say but he continues, going off on a tangent, "it's so pretty, you're so pretty. It's like the sound of a cute little bell ringing...so pretty— pretty pretty pretty!" you can't lie to yourself, he's absolutely precious, "I miss you so much angel, why did you go away? I don't want you away, I want you with me, and with Remus and with Sirius too..." he murmurs something into your stomach that you weren't able to pick up but don't press him further on the matter, fearing that your heart might just about burst if you do. You can't afford to hope for such a fantasy with them when it could never become a reality.
It just wasn't possible...
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"Not fair!"James whines, making grabby hands at you as Remus, with the force of a gentle giant, manoeuvres him into the back seat of a red Jaguar XJR. Dealing with a defiant baby was a struggle so dealing with a giant, beefy baby like James Potter was like trying to control a hurricane. But Remus had a magic touch and arguably had more of a silver tongue than Sirius did so he made it look like a walk in the park. It was astounding, "I wanna be with my angel!" James sobs as Remus closes the door on him, putting a stop to James' needy cries.
"She's not yours, she's no one's," was Remus' response even though he had already closed the door, James unable to hear him and the hint of dismay coherent in his tired voice, "thank you for looking after him, Dove, you're always too kind,"
"N-no, don't worry about it," he smiles down at you, silence filling up the space between your two lonely figures under the amber lamplight. He doesn't seem to mind the hush in conversation but knowing that his eyes were fixed on you was unnerving, "so! Is that your car?" you ask, desperate for a change in conversation; your restless fiddling making your intentions obvious but Remus keeps to himself.
"No, no, it's not mine," he answers with a short chuckle, "this is James' car,"
"Oh..." you hum to yourself thoughtfully, eyes carefully examining the body and model of the car, "I see," it looks like a car James would have, you think to yourself. There was more silence until Remus finally brings himself to commence your farewells.
"Well I suppose I should head off, I don't want to take up too much of your time," your heart stutters, almost to a stop, at his words, even more so when you see him hesitate upon leaning down. A victim to your own habits, you find yourself closing your eyes and awaiting his gentle kiss goodbye against your temple.
...But it never comes.
"Goodbye then," he calls over his shoulder, and rounds the car to get to the driver's seat.
"—Do you smoke?" you suddenly ask, in some part desperate to extend your interaction with each other and other parts curious of the lingering cigarette smoke you smell on his clothes, masking his usually comforting fragrance. It's strong enough that you were able to catch it from your formal amount of distance with each other and it struck you as odd. You had never seen him smoke before.
Remus laughs a brief and strained sound as he looks at you from over the hood of the car, did he always have such deep eye-bags? "Not usually," he sends you a sheepish smile once you're finally able to meet his eyes, "but I've recently taken to it again," he sees worry and grief fill your eyes and hurries to correct himself, "—But don't worry, Dove," his features are gentle and kind, warm and... forgiving, "I'm okay,"
The world slows as you watch him bend his head to sit in the drivers seat. It's been too long. For you, at least. This can't continue. It scares you to think about where this may go if you leave it to late. It's only been three weeks! If this is the result...you dread to think about what would happen if things went on for longer than that. James is drinking himself to death. Remus is smoking cigarettes. What about Sirius? Your stomach twists uncomfortably, painfully, your heart too.
"No! You're not!" you shout, tears of anger welling up in your eyes as Remus stops and looks over at you once again, his breath hitching when he sees your eyes glistening with tears, "you're not okay..."
"Dove—"
"I'm coming by tomorrow," you announce, "at lunch," this was a commitment you're making, a commitment to him, to them. Even if you're heartbroken, that doesn't give you the right to be a bad friend. You brave a watery smile, "I'll make your favourites...so you better be there!"