~~They're carving my name in the grave again
The flowers are fresh and their faces wet
My body has died but I'm still alive
Look over your shoulder, I'm back from the dead~~
The cave is cold and wet. A feeling of dread has settled itself deeply in the pit of Regulus’ stomach.
He’s going to die today.
Kreacher leads him to the boat at the edge of the lake inside the cave, and they make their way towards the rocky island in the middle of the water.
When they reach the island, Regulus has to catch himself so as not to fall directly into the lake. His gut tells him that he should go nowhere near the lake. He shoves that train of thought to the back of his mind, and focuses on the task at hand.
Get the locket and destroy it.
“Kreacher, no matter what I say after I start drinking the potion, do not stop making me drink it. Make me finish it and take the locket, if something happens to me, leave.”
“Master Regulus is not needing to be doing this.” Kreacher grasps at his leg, like a child trying to stop their parents from walking away. “Kreacher can be drinking this potion, master Regulus must be staying living.” He sounds like he’s begging.
Regulus will not let him go through that again though. Kreacher has been through enough.
A small part of Regulus’ brain argues that he has also been through enough, arguably more than his house elf, but Regulus pushes it down.
“Kreacher, give me the potion, please.” He says, voice shaking slightly.
The first sip is…bearable. It leaves him swaying on his feet, it makes him nauseous from the pain, but he can handle it.
The second sip is the same, so is the third, and the fourth is too. The fifth sip is awful. Regulus falls to his knees and almost lets go of the potion in his hand. He’s only a quarter of the way through but he already wants to stop. The sixth, seventh and eighth are all similar in painlevel.
The ninth sip is agony. Regulus screams, it’s unbearable. Distantly he can register Kreacher taking the hellish concoction from his hand, Regulus sighs in relief. Only to scream again when the house elf brings it back to Regulus’ mouth.
“No, no, no! Kreacher! Stop, please, I can’t take it.” Regulus cries out, he doesn’t want to do this anymore.
“I is sorry, master Regulus. You is being telling me not to stop.” Kreacher says, tears in his eyes.
The next sips all blend together under a blanket of pure agony. Regulus has been under the Cruciatus curse before, and that was hellish, but this? This is a million times worse. He’s starting to see things. He sees himself and James in the Astronomy tower, breaking off the most beautiful connection he’s ever known.
He sees Voldemort, wand in hand, ready to mark him. He sees his parents and Bellatrix, he sees the faces of the people he’s killed. He sees Sirius running away from him, into the night. Regulus tries to call out to his brother, but he can’t. He’s already screaming. He can’t hear himself anymore, everything is blurring, everything hurts.
Suddenly he’s overcome by thirst. His throat feels like sandpaper from screaming, his lips are cracking because his mouth is so dry. Regulus starts to crawl towards the lake, any and all voices that would be screaming for him to stay away are gone. They’ve been washed down by the potion.
Finally, finally he makes it to the water. He cups his hands and starts to drink. He does it again, and again, and again. He’s so thirsty that he’s delirious.
Something grabs his wrist.
Regulus tries to pull his hand back, he needs to drink more, but whatever is holding onto him is pulling him into the water. It’s a hand. Then there’s more than one of them. Dozens of hands are grabbing at him, pulling him under.
“Master Regulus!” He hears Kreacher scream from behind him.
Regulus uses what’s left of his sanity to yell out, “Kreacher! Take the locket and go! That’s an order!” right as the last word leaves his mouth, he’s pulled underwater.
He tries to struggle, but all his strength has left him. Regulus wishes desperately to see James one last time as he sinks deeper into the abyss.
After what feels like ages, Regulus sees James entering the cave, accompanied by Dumbledore. James came back for him! James still loves him. Regulus is so relieved he could cry.
He swims to the surface.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Harry can’t breathe.
All Harry can feel is ice cold water, threatening to enter his lungs, and the body of whatever creature has decided to attach itself to his back. Everything is so dark, so cold, so dead.
He can’t remember what this creature is called, or what it’s capable of, but the one that’s holding onto him, dragging him deeper and deeper into the darkness, is showing no signs of letting up.
He’s going to drown.
It’s as if it wants him to come along quietly, although he doesn’t see why he should. It’s hugging him in a way that might be considered soothing.
He tries to struggle, but its grip is firm. Firm but gentle, why?
He’s being held up to its chest, almost like one would hold a dead body while mourning it. Almost like he did with Cedric. It’s almost as if this creature knows him, although Harry is aware of how much of a stretch that is.
It’s not possible, but he can’t help but wonder, because whatever or whoever this is, seems to be handling him with great care.
Maybe he’s hallucinating but he can almost make out words from all the screaming this creature is doing, maybe he’s losing his mind. Is this what dying feels like? Losing your mind?
Right as he’s reached his last available breath, there’s an explosion of fire above him. One of the beams of fire hits the creature on his back, and he’s free. Harry tries his best to swim back to the surface while fighting his body from taking a breath while he’s still stuck underwater.
When he finally reaches the surface again, all he can feel is unbearable heat, and all he can see is fire. This time, he can barely breathe because of the suffocating heat. This is a nightmare.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
James is furious.
Why in the everloving fuck would Dumbledore take his son to an Inferi filled cave, in which said son had apparently almost drowned. What the hell? It is very much not legal or morally okay to take a child off of school grounds without parental permission, yet for some reason, Dumbledore decided to endanger his only child for a cause that has seemingly led nowhere.
It takes a lot for James to truly lose his temper, but this takes the goddamned cake. For years Harry has been continuously endangered on school grounds, and James had continuously demanded that changes be made. He’d been assured time and time again that changes would be made, and yet nothing ever truly changed.
James knows he should’ve taken Harry out of Hogwarts even after his first year, but Harry had cried and begged to be allowed to stay. And in order to save his own heart from breaking in two for his son he had allowed Harry to stay. This, however, was the absolute final straw.
As he stormed to the headmaster's office, his anger only grew. All Minnie had told him over the floo, was that Harry had been taken off of school grounds by the headmaster, that he had come back with a badly injured Dumbledore, and that he had been holding a locket and a note upon returning, saying something about Inferi. Fucking Inferi.
James knows nothing other than those simple facts, but he is absolutely planning to cause catastrophic problems for the faculty and staff at Hogwarts today. No, fuck that, he’s suing.
“What is wrong with you?” James all but yells the second he enters the headmasters office. Offhandedly, he notices Minnie and Snape awkwardly hovering around a very pathetic looking Dumbledore.
“Mr. Potter, I can assure you that no harm has befallen Harry, he is a strong boy.” Dumbledore replies smoothly, just like he’d done every other time Harry’s life had been endangered. He seems to think that this will go down the same way it has every other year in the past. That’s not how this is going to work though. Not this time.
“Oh, he’s strong alright, but what about the trauma that your latest escapades have once again put him through? Or do you just not care? Have you ever, ever in your life considered the amount of time it takes to work through that kind of trauma?” James is seething.
“Harry has never shown any signs of this trauma you say I put him through. You underestimate his mental fortitude Mr. Potter.” Is he serious?
“No signs of trauma? Are you fucking kidding? He barely sleeps, and when he does he keeps his wand in his hand instead of under his pillow because he has horrible nightmares. He is constantly on edge, every small sound sets him off. He has panic attacks over getting a headache. And all of that is because of your gross negligence.” He makes a point to look at all three of them, Minnie has her hands over her heart. She looks ashamed, and she should be.
James isn’t done yet.
“I have lost every single one of the remaining shreds of respect that I had for you, Dumbledore. Every single year, without fail you have managed to make me hate you a little more. Is that your goal? To anger me? Is that what you’re trying to do?”
“I assure you, Mr. Potter, I have no such intentions.” Dumbledore is way too calm and it makes James angrier, if that’s even possible.
“Well, I must say, you’re doing a terrific job at it anyways. Congrats.”
“Minnie,” he turns to the two teachers that are standing off to the side, “I am so disappointed in you. How could you let these things happen, every single year? You say you disagree with what happens, but you’re always just standing on the sidelines.”
McGonagall seems to shrink in on herself. “I’m sorry Mr. Potter, I will make an effort to be better in the future.”
“Oh don’t bother.” He replies offhandedly, “Harry’s not coming back if I have anything to say about it.” Her eyes widen comically.
“And you.” James turns his head to stare a bored looking Snape right in the eye, “You have bullied Harry for fucking years! Do you get off on making kids feel small? Is that it? Is that why you’re such a fucking asshole all the time?”
Snape glares at him. It’s not the reaction James is looking for though.
“No, wait, it’s because I married the woman you were in love with, right?” That gets him the desired sour face that he hasn’t seen in a long time.
“The boy you hate the most gets with the girl you want, and now she’s dead.”
“She never would have died if you weren’t in the picture. He was after your idiot son, who is basically your clone, and she died because you just had to procreate with, and impregnate her with your spawn!” Snape yells before stopping to take a breath. He’s about to continue, but James is faster.
“Are you sure that you’re not just a creep? She didn’t want your greasy ass, Snape. And to get your revenge you decide to bully her child after she dies at the hands of your boss? If anything, you should have beef with him, no? Or are you just picking on my son cause he’s less intimidating than your dear old Dark Lord?”
Snape takes a moment to regain his bearings, “You are once again using insults instead of arguments to make your point. It seems you’re still the bully you were in school.”
“At least I grew the fuck up!” James roars, “What have you done?” He gets no response.
They stare each other down for a moment longer before James scoffs, “That’s what I thought. It seems like you’re the one who’s still the same as he was in school, not me.”
James turns back towards Dumbledore. He’s done with Snape for now, there’s no point in arguing with the man. His obsession with Lily is beyond creepy and James doesn’t want to spend a second longer talking to someone who lusts after his dead wife.
“As I said before, I am planning on taking Harry out of Hogwarts once and for all. I have suggested it to him every year, and he has been closer to saying yes every single year. This was the final straw, I am no longer asking for his permission. I am not leaving my son in your care any longer.”
“May I ask what has made you consider taking him out of this school in the past.” Dumbledore asks, he must be an idiot because James has a reason for every single year that Harry has been at Hogwarts for. “Gladly.” he smiles.
“First year, you create a death trap in the middle of the building and leave a murderous three-headed dog as its guardian rather than just putting up some fucking wards. You allow three first years to go through the death trap, so that they can retrieve a fucking philosopher's stone. You know? The type of thing that should be guarded by the fucking ministry!”
James remembers very clearly the dread he felt while reading the letter the school had sent him regarding Harry’s ‘adventure’ within the walls of Hogwarts. He remembers the anger he felt, he remembers his subsequent conversation with Harry about maybe switching schools. The fact that all those things happened within a year of his son going to Hogwarts had made him very angry, and it still does now.
“Second year, Harry got blamed for paralyzing several students, a cat, and a ghost. He was accused of being the Heir of Slytherin. And somehow, it was once again him that saved a possessed student, found Salazar Slytherin's secret dungeon, and fought a Basilisk to the death. Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t he almost die from the Basilisk venom? All that, and once again, you did nothing!”
He doesn’t mention the fact that the train left without Harry and Ron, leaving them to fly a car into a death tree. He doesn’t need to mention it at all, your son battling a deadly snake is enough of a reason to be mad.
“Third year, you allowed hundreds of dementors onto school grounds to retrieve the Azkaban escapee Peter Pettigrew, who was coming to kill my son. Yet somehow I only find out after the year is over that Harry almost got kissed three times!”
It seems like the other adults in the room hadn’t ever considered the sheer amount of things Harry had gone through, never mind how intense they must’ve been for him. It’s almost as if the summers in between school years have given each of them enough time to recover from whatever crazy, dangerous crap always happens.
But James doesn’t get to do that, and Harry doesn’t get to do it either. These things tend to stack up.
“In fourth year, you put up exactly one ward around an ancient relic that will randomly pick a students name, but take no other precautions towards making sure that younger students don’t somehow get their names in there. Did you ever once consider that they might ask an older student to put their name in for them? No? You can’t do that, but you can get mad at my son because his name ends up in the stupid goblet?”
“I admit, Mr. Potter, that I should have taken a more conscious approach toward the name selection that year, but we had never had anything like that happen, so we assumed we were safe from mishaps.” Dumbledore replies, once again, way too calmly.
“And still, you forced Harry to participate? Are you senile? He’s a child. Or did you forget that because of all the shit he’s been through? Do you know how many people have died in front of him? Lily, Professor Quirrel, Cedric Diggory. They all died because you always, always refused to do the right thing. I don’t even want to know what would’ve happened to Harry if I had also died that night.”
That seems to hit a nerve, because Dumbledore flinches back and starts to eye him warily. Just from that, James can get an idea of what would’ve happened. Maybe Dumbledore was planning on him dying all along. After all, an orphan devoid of love is easier to manipulate than a child raised in an unconventional, yet loving home.
Still, James thinks, before he speaks again. This next one is the worst one. The years have gotten harder as time progressed, but Umbridge had taken the cake.
“Fifth year,” he says slowly, “started with a ministry hire for the D.A.D.A. teaching position, one that called my son a liar, restricted pretty much any type of leisurely activity. One that tortured my son with a dark artifact, as a form of detention, mind you. One that used unforgivables on students in order to obtain information to get Harry and his friends in trouble.”
Dumbledore had also taken a hit that year. James assumes that that’s the reason he currently looks so sour. Seems like someone doesn’t like being reminded of their mistakes. How ironic.
“Oh, and did I mention the nightmares? Yeah, you let the worst possible person in the world teach him Occlumency to protect him from his connection with You-know-who, without my consent, a connection that you knew about, but neglected to tell anyone of. Your negligence led to Harry and his friends mortally endangering themselves because they thought that You-know-who was holding Sirius hostage. You could’ve done literally anything from warding the floo connections to just fucking being there. Still nothing.”
He’s breathing heavily when he finally finishes his rant. Even Snape looks a little green, good. They should suffer with the knowledge that they could’ve prevented all of this.
“Oh, and you already know about this year, after all, you were actually there this time. Good for you Albus.”
When he gets no response, he starts anew, “You took my son, who is still a minor, off of school grounds without my consent. You took him to a cave in the middle of God knows where, and incapacitated yourself, despite the fact that you were his only means of transportation. You almost let him drown and immediately after, almost burn to death. For a fucking locket?”
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Harry has never seen his dad this angry before. It feels good to know that there will always be someone ready to fight for him while he’s still alive.
As much as he’ll miss Ron and Hermione, Harry knows that leaving this school is the right thing to do. He almost died twice today for a fake locket. Not that anyone other than him knows it’s a fake yet.
When Dumbledore had entered the hospital wing with his dad, Harry had expected for his dad to be relatively placated and optimistic, like always. But clearly this time is different, there’s no debating his dad about staying at Hogwarts this time, and that's okay. Harry finally understands why his dad is always so scared to send him back, he’s been more and more scared each year to go back himself.
“He will be switching to a different school by the end of this week, and don’t even try to debate me on this because this is your own fault. You’ll be hearing from my attorney.”
His dad is suing Dumbledore.
“You aren’t understanding, Mr. Potter,” Dumbledore responds, “Harry and I were looking for a horcrux in that cave and we found it, we are closer than ever to defeating Voldemort.”
Bullshit, the locket is a fake, and Harry is about to bring that to Dumbledore’s attention, but his dad is quicker in forming a response.
“I think it’s you that doesn’t understand, headmaster,” He says headmaster with so much venom that Harry briefly questions if he’s hallucinating. “I don’t give a shit. You want to go find the horcruxes so bad, do it yourself! Harry is done.”
“It doesn’t matter anyways.” Harry says, finally getting a chance to speak.
“What do you mean, Harry?” Dumbledore sounds calm, but he looks furious. Harry swallows harshly.
“The locket was fake.” There’s a moment of silence before every single window in the room explodes.
“What?” His dads voice is calm now, way too calm, his magic is crackling around him. Fuck, his dad just exploded all the windows in the hospital wing with only accidental magic. This is bad.
“It was a fake with a note to Voldemort left by someone, I’m not sure who, because they used their initials instead of their name, here look.” He holds up the locket and note for his dad to see. He can see his fathers emotions clear on his face, anger, shock, and horror when he finally reads the initials.
Harry wants to ask if he knows the person, because he clearly recognizes the initials, when his father speaks after a long period of silence.
“Minnie, call Sirius, this concerns him.” Harry watches as she gives his dad a once over, until her eyes widen in shock, and she immediately runs out of the hospital wing. And for the longest time, no one, not even Dumbledore, says anything.
That is until Sirius comes bursting into the wing minutes later, Professor McGonanagall and Remus both on his heels.
“What’s wrong, Prongs?”
“They went looking for a horcrux, they found a fake one with this note.” His father hands his Godfather the note, and lets himself fall onto the bed next to Harry’s, and puts his head in his hands. Harry is so confused.
Until Sirius lets out a sob that sounds more like a scream and falls to the floor, Remus only catching him at the very last moment.
~~I'm back from the dead, back from the dead~~
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
To the Dark Lord
I know I will be dead long before you read this but I want you to know that it was I who discovered your secret.
I have stolen the real Horcrux and intend to destroy it as soon as I can.
I face death in the hope that when you meet your match, you will be mortal once more.
R. A. B.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
R. A. B…
Regulus Arcturus Black…
James’ Regulus…
His Reggie… His star…
James can’t stop the sob that escapes him. He's trying so hard to keep it together, but his resolve crumbles within seconds. Harry is right there, on the next bed. Sirius is also right there, and he’s not doing any better than James is. But Sirius has Remus to comfort him, and to hold him.
James has nobody. Everyone he would need right now, to ground him, to save him from his impending mental breakdown, is gone. His parents have been for a long time, his father isn’t there with his gentle words of wisdom. His mother isn’t around to hold him and wipe away his tears. Lily isn’t there to talk him through this or to hold his hand and kiss him better.
The only other person he would consider going to in his current emotional state is Regulus, but Regulus is dead. Regulus died doing something good. If only James had stuck around to see it happen. To help him achieve his goal. To save him.
The only thing he can feel right now is pain. Gone is the anger and the frustration, replaced by pure agony.
When Lily had died, James remembers wanting to gut himself and to follow her into the afterlife. Somehow this feels worse. He wishes that they’d never found the note, because the note represents everything he could've had.
Regulus was the one he wanted first, his first true love. The first one always sticks around, even if they leave physically, they’re always there. Throughout his time with Lily, James had occasionally, with guilt heavy on his heart, thought about what could’ve been, if only Regulus was good.
But it seems that Regulus was always good, so there is no ‘what could’ve been’, and learning this hurts like a stab wound. If Regulus was always good, then they were doomed from the start.
Did Regulus know that? Is that why he picked the dark side?
When it had come out that Barty Crouch Jr. had been impersonating Moody two years prior, James had with a heavy heart assumed that Regulus was either dead, or still very much active in Voldemort's ranks, just as an undercover agent of sorts. But Regulus was dead, he’d been dead this entire time, and James missed his chance to say goodbye.
Not once did he take the time to think about the choices of man he loved, all out of anger. Never did he stop to think that Regulus might not have wanted the mark. James, who always sees the best in people, had chosen to see the worst in the person he loved the most.
And now he gets to pay the price.
In the background, he can hear Harry asking him again and again if he’s okay, and what’s wrong. James can’t bring himself to answer and neither can Sirius, who has been ripping Dumbleodre to shreds for not once reaching out to Regulus, for not even trying to save him. All because he was a Slytherin.
Once upon a time, Regulus had said something similar, about how Slytherins didn’t get the same Hogwarts ‘care package’ that the other houses got. James hadn’t believed him at the time, he should’ve listened. Why didn’t he listen?
As the ringing in his ears starts to fade out, he can hear Remus explaining to Harry who Regulus is.
“--his brother, and he became a death eater when he was your age. We all thought that he was like Padfoots parents. Bigoted, ruthless and cold. It seems we were wrong about some of that.”
“But now it’s too late.” Harry finishes for him, and Remus nods sadly.
“Did my dad know him? He’s really upset. Dad, are you okay?” James just shakes his head and takes a deep breath. Sirius has stopped yelling too. James figures it’s time to come clean.
“I knew him very well.” Remus knits his brows in confusion at his words.
“He was my first love, before your mother.” Harry’s eyes widen, and so do Remus’. Sirius just stills, James fears what he might have to say, but he can’t stop talking now.
“We used to meet at night in the astronomy tower or in the Room of Requirement. We would talk, mostly about Sirius, or smoke together. The more we spoke, the more I started to like him. And one night he kissed me.”
Everyone in the room is deathly silent. Even Poppy has stopped fussing around a first year student that has just come in with a rather large cut on his arm. McGonagall looks like she wants to cry. James has never related to her more than at this moment.
“I loved him so much, I tried everything to get him to leave home. He was so scared, for himself and for Sirius. No one knew what would happen if they both left home. I should’ve pushed harder, I should've begged on my hands and knees. I’m sorry, Padfoot. I should’ve tried harder.”
The tears are back, he can feel them running down the sides of his face. He’s feeling too many things right now. Most of all regret and guilt. He looks at Sirius, who just looks sad. “Why didn’t you tell me, Prongs? We could’ve gotten him out together.” He sounds absolutely defeated.
“He didn’t want you to know, because he thought you would hate him even more for ‘stealing me’, my god, Pads, I should’ve said something, but I was so scared that you’d make me choose between the two of you.”
James doesn’t know who he would’ve chosen at the time. His gut used to tell him to follow his heart, but his heart was always torn between the two brothers. He loves them both more than life itself. He could never choose only one, so Regulus made the choice for him.
“What would you have done if he’d come with you?” Harry asks. “I would’ve married him, in a heartbeat.” James replies immediately. He hears gasps from all directions.
James pulls his necklace out from under his shirt. It’s a gold chain that holds two rings. One, a golden engagement ring with a glittering green diamond, the same shade of green as Lily’s eyes. The other a simple silver band with a set of antlers engraved on the inside, and a Leo constellation engraved on the outside.
“Harry, I used to tell you that both of these rings were your mothers. The gold one is, it’s the ring I proposed to her with. But the silver one-–Regulus, he had a matching one, the engravings were just reversed. I got them for us after we discussed our future together.” He smiles sadly. If only he could’ve had the future they had designed for themselves. Maybe in another life.
Regulus might be dead, but his memory is still very much alive, and it’ll haunt James until the day he dies too.
~~I don't wanna be carrying the weight on my shoulders
Death has come to me, kissed me on the cheek, gave me closure
Immortal by design, I'll be meeting you here every time~~