Warm

James was a few minutes early, as seemed to be his general habit. (Regulus himself preferred to be right on time or fashionably late depending on the circumstances.)

He was wearing a crisp white button-down shirt that contrasted his dark skin wonderfully, and it was far nicer than his school ones. He had the top few buttons undone and no tie, exposing the hollow of his marked-up neck so nicely. Also, it fit exceedingly well, the clear tailoring emphasising his waist and hugging his biceps in a way that should be illegal. (Yes, okay, Regulus really liked the shirt.) It was paired with some black muggle jeans that dressed the outfit down, but also a pair of nice black boots that he most definitely had not bought for himself. And he lazily carried a black blazer over his shoulder, hooked by a single finger, as he approached.

He looked positively edible and now Regulus was dying to see him in a full set of dress robes. The formalwear would look sinful on him.

“I don’t know if this is ‘formal’ or ‘smart-casual’ by your standards, but in my defence, this is all I had packed.” James said in lieu of greeting, a playful smile on his lips. “And by the way, you look beautiful as ever.”

“I know.” Regulus responded mischievously. He was wearing a set of all black robes; some of his less formal ones to match James’s inevitable underdressing. They made his fair skin look like pure alabaster and fit him in all the right places, emphasising his trim waist and long legs. His arse looked fucking fantastic too, thank you very much.

“I like the robes.” James continued. “I don’t know anything about fashion but they’re pretty.” He ran a finger over the buckles of Regulus’s outer robe belt. “I like this thingy. Makes your waist look nice.”

He was so adorable. Regulus could tell he was so genuinely trying.

“Remind me to explain formal robes to you sometime.” Regulus bit back a smile. “And you managed to hit smart-casual just fine. But put on the jacket.”

James sighed but obeyed. “I always feel so stuffy in these.”

Regulus smoothed the suit jacket down after it was on before stepping back to admire the outfit in full effect.

“I want to eat you alive.” Regulus told him instead of a regular compliment because he didn’t feel like being level-headed in this moment. James was halfway to wearing a full suit and his mind felt utterly fried.

“…Maybe the jacket isn’t so bad.”

Regulus’s initials peaked out from James’s sleeves, and, oh, James was even wearing cufflinks. He really did try.

“I’m losing my mind a little bit here.” Regulus admitted. “Thank you for going to the effort.”

“You asked me to. Well, more like demanded, but that’s kind of the same thing with you.” James smiled at him. “And I’m losing my mind a bit too. Who knew robes could make a person’s waist look like that?”

“You’re really fixated on my waist.” Regulus observed.

“It looks so small. Like I could just…” James placed his hands on Regulus’s waist. His thumbs met in the middle. “That’s so hot. Why is that so hot?”

“Because we’re both depraved sluts with depraved tastes.”

James chuckled. “I don’t mind being a ‘spiritual slut’ for you, Starlight.”

“Likewise, Sunshine.” Regulus took his hand. “Now come with me.”

He led his man over to the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy before dropping his hand. Then he began pacing, thinking hard about his wish. Once. Twice. Three times. All the while, James just watched him curiously.

Suddenly, a door emerged from the stone of the wall, grand and ornately carved. Regulus smirked in satisfaction as James gasped in surprise, moving to open the door for the birthday boy.

“After you.” He said chivalrously and James complied, practically vibrating with excitement. He stepped through and Regulus heard him gasp again, bigger this time. He followed his boyfriend through without preamble, closing the door behind them.

“Regulus.” James breathed, eyes wide and shining as they roamed over the space.

The room was absolutely enormous with high ceilings, as ornately carved as the door, but painted and gilded too. Columns stretched down along the walls, magnificent marble structures that added to the grandeur of the architecture. And the floors were absolutely gorgeous, beautiful mosaics swirling in elaborate patterns at their feet. A record player sat on a table to one side, playing classical music softly and adding to the overall ambience. And at the centre of the room was a small picnic. Pillows and blankets laid out invitingly as well as a spread of food and drink. Just as Regulus had prepared earlier with Cooky the elf.

“This is the Come and Go Room.” Regulus explained. “Also, known as the Room of Requirement. You can only enter by pacing past Barnabus’ tapestry three times and wishing clearly. I wished for a ballroom, as you can see.”

“It’s beautiful, Starlight.” James gushed, looking absolutely enchanted. “How did I not know about this before?”

“Most people don’t know about this room.” Regulus told him with a smile. “It’s hard to find by accident and completely unplottable.”

James was still gazing around with wonder. “And the picnic?”

“I set that up earlier. I thought we could eat lunch and then dance a bit. I vaguely recall you mentioning you could never remember traditional dances but I thought it might be fun to give you a refresher.” Regulus said, getting more nervous as he went along. Was this alright? Did James really like it or was he just shocked? Was it too much? He should have just gotten him a shitty normal present.

“This is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.” James told him with complete adoration in his eyes. The Slytherin internally breathed a sigh of relief. “And the best present I’ve ever received. I love it.” He actually looked like he might cry now. “Oh, Merlin, I love it so much.”

He threw his arms around Regulus and pulled him into a tight hug, chanting out: “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

“Of course, Sunshine.” Regulus soothed, embracing him just as tight. “I’m so glad you like it.”

“I love it.” James repeated emphatically as he pulled back. “Shall we go sit?”

They did, sitting close to each other on the veritable mountain of pillows. Without a lick of decorum, James immediately plucked up a grape with his fingers and held it out to Regulus. “These are your favourite snack.”

Regulus took the grape and popped in his mouth. “Yes, but the strawberries are for you. I know you prefer them.”

“I do indeed.” James picked one up for himself. “Regulus… I feel like I’m in a fairy-tale.”

“You like grand romantic gestures.” Regulus said, looking away. “I don’t think I can manage public declarations of love, or sonnets in your honour but this? It seemed good enough.”

“It’s more than good enough.” James placed a gentle hand on his chin and guided Regulus back to face him. “And I don’t need grand romantic gestures as long as I have you.”

“Still… you like them. So, I tried to… compromise.” Regulus explained softly. “Grand but private.”

“It’s perfect. You’re perfect. This day is perfect.” James’s eyes practically sparkled. “I don’t think I’ve ever been happier in my life.”

“Me too.” Regulus whispered because it was true.

The rest of the date was completely and utterly sublime. They chatted and bantered and laughed as they leaned close into each other. The meal was unhurried and so lacking in etiquette that Regulus was quite sure his childhood tutor would roll over in his grave. But Regulus didn’t care in the slightest when James picked up the wrong fork to spear his food or held his wine glass from the cup rather than the stem. James was perfect just as he was and Regulus wouldn’t change a damn thing.

The wine loosened them up a bit and they moved on to making out lazily and sloppily even as they continued to talk and eat in between. James tasted of wine and strawberries and Regulus simply couldn’t get enough.

Eventually, he convinced James to dance with him, pulling him up by his hand after turning up the volume of the music. He led the dances smoothly, his hand on James’s waist while the man put his hand on Regulus’s shoulder. The Gryffindor didn’t mind that he was in the ‘witch’s’ position and Regulus didn’t mind when James stepped on his toes. He simply guided his man through the various dances he had done a hundred times before at this ball and that gala.

“You’re really good at this.” James complimented, glancing down at his own feet momentarily.

“You’re not terrible either. You’re just quite nervous and unfamiliar with the steps.” Regulus said generously.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be as graceful at this as you.”

“Well, not everyone can be as gifted as I am, James.” He joked, eliciting a chuckle.

They slowed to a stop, simply holding each other close even as the music played on.

“Regulus…” The man’s eyes were so incredibly warm. He gave the Slytherin a shy smile.

“Yes, Sunshine?”

“I know it’s probably too soon for this but I simply have to tell you.” He looked a little nervous now.

“James?”

“I love you.”

Regulus felt a burst of warmth flood his body. Like the heavens had opened and rained heavenly fire upon him. Deadly but beautiful.

“I know I kind of implied it, all those months ago on the train… Or maybe I outright said it, I can’t quite remember. But I just had to tell you properly. I love you, Regulus Arcturus Black, and I always will.” He spoke in a rush, the words tumbling out of him like a spool of thread unravelling. “You don’t have to say it back. I just… wanted to say.”

Regulus took the man’s face in his hands and let a wide grin spread across his cheeks. His heart felt full to bursting and his skin tingled with emotion.

“I love you too, James. James Fleamont Potter, I love you so much.”

And then they were kissing. All the love and passion and unspoken words poured into each other’s lips, straight from one soul to another, until they were so intwined together they were practically one. He was drunk on the feeling, higher than he’d ever felt before. Light and warmth in every pore of his being, seeping right down to his core.

“I love you, I love you, I love you.” James mumbled into his mouth.

“I love you, I love you, I love you.” Regulus chanted right back.

The sun collided with the star, and together, they burned. All-consuming.

*

“Well, well, well. Potter in a suit?” Evan drawled. “What did Reg bribe you with?”

“2 galleons it was a blow-job.” Emmeline joked straightaway.

After finishing their date, Regulus asked to stop by Slytherin, knowing that his friends had birthday presents for James. Although, none of his friends would tell Regulus what they got James in advance, so he had absolutely no clue what their grifts would be. When the two arrived, the others were all lounging around by the fireplace.

“Nah, he just asked nicely.” James answered with a grin, his hand holding Regulus’s as they walked over.

Dorcas scoffed immediately from where she was painting her nails. “Regulus Black? Ask nicely? Try again.”

“3 galleons Reg just demanded you wear a suit and you caved immediately.” Pandora said with a teasing grin.

“We have a winner.” Regulus deadpanned while rolling his eyes, causing Pandora to smirk victoriously.

Meanwhile, Barty leered at the Gryffindor. “Jimmy darling, you clean up better than I thought you would.”

James rolled his eyes. “Junior, stop drooling before Evan hexes me into next week. Please and thank you.”

“Why would I do that when I could watch you both duel for my sweet arse?” Barty batted his eyes in faux innocence. “It would be hot, I bet.”

“Crouch, if you don’t stop flirting with my man, I will hex you into next week.” Regulus fixed him with a warning glare.

James sat down on a sofa with Pandora and Regulus dropped down next to him, throwing his legs over his boyfriend’s lap.

Barty smirked wickedly. “Don’t threaten me with a good time. You know I’m a sucker for a little pain.”

“Down boy.” James said but he was already laughing.

“Ev, shouldn’t you have him housetrained by now?” Emmeline jumped on the bandwagon.

“Who do you think I am? Merlin himself?” Evan gestured to Barty demonstratively. “In what world is B tameable?”

The boy in question winked exaggeratedly. “You like me wild.”

“Hecate help me.” Evan said, though he was grinning.

Suddenly, a small object went flying straight at James. Reflexively, he caught it, which Regulus thought was a little hot to be honest.

“Catch.” Dorcas said belatedly. “I’m surprised you have survived another year of life, but congrats, I guess.”

“Is that Slytherin for ‘happy birthday’?” James teased, grinning widely as he looked down at object in his hands. It turned out to be a small gift box.

“Just open it, Potter.” She instructed with a quirk of her lip.

James did as she said, frowning in confusion for a second before a huff of awkward laughter escaped him. Curious, Regulus leaned over slightly to look.

“Is that mine?” He asked her immediately, bewildered and annoyed.

“No, it’s James’s now.” Dorcas just smirked at him.

“Fuck you, I was looking all over the dorm for that yesterday.”

Gingerly, James pulled out the heavy signet ring from the box. “This… This is the Black Family Crest, isn’t it?”

Regulus glared at Dorcas icily while she gave a small hum of agreement. Barty immediately cackled.

James gave his boyfriend a hesitant look. “Um… I can’t wear this yet.”

“No, you can’t.” Regulus agreed which elicited some mixed reactions.

“What?” Dorcas looked up, mildly offended. “Why not?”

Evan, meanwhile, perked up. He gave them a sly grin. “Yet?”

“Yet?” Pandora repeated. “Oh, Merlin you two are ridiculous.”

Emmeline seemed confused. “I’m so lost.”

Barty finally calmed from his laughter. “They’re not courting. Yet, apparently.”

“And that means?” Dorcas demanded to know.

James held out the ring for Regulus to take, and he swiftly slipped it onto his own finger.

“Gifting your partner something with your family crest on it is part of the courting process usually.” James explained, looking a little embarrassed. “And we’re not courting…”

“Yet.” Barty cut in. “Oh Jimmy, you sure are optimistic, aren’t you?”

“Courting is the lead up to marriage, right?” Emmeline asked to which James nodded in confirmation, ignoring Barty.

“It’s the lead up to a proposal.” He elaborated. “Sort of an extra process before getting engaged that originally had to do with the wizard proving himself worthy of the witch.” He gave a bashful smile. “In our case it would just be whoever got there first.”

Regulus knew it would be him. He was sure he would get to be the one courting James. One day.

“Fuck. I just thought your possessive arse would like him wearing it.” Dorcas told Regulus, looking put out.

He softened a bit. “Thanks. But I’ve already got it covered.” He held up James’s hand, drawing attention to his initials scribbled across the skin.

His friends leaned in to see before their eyes each widened in realisation.

“Salazar.” Evan swore while Barty started cackling again. “You’re fucking insane.”

“Every day you inch closer and closer to madness.” Pandora shook her head at him disappointedly.

Emmeline, on the other hand, looked intrigued. “Do you think Pete would let me do that?”

“He called me a whore and a slut for it, so probably not.” James answered with an unbothered smirk.

“You are a whore and a slut.” Dorcas agreed. “But Regulus you’re onto something. Mckinnon’s going to look so pretty with my name on her.”

“Optimistic.” Regulus said with a raised brow. “She was taking the piss out of us earlier for it.”

“I’ll convince her.” The older girl smirked confidently. “I have my ways.”

“Teach me them.” Emmeline said half-seriously.

“Ev, would you let me write my initials on you?” Barty crooned sweetly with a doe-eyed look at Evan. The faux innocence looked rather ridiculous on him.

“No, but I bet you’d let me on you.” Evan answered without missing a beat.

Barty dropped the facade and grinned. “Yeah, probably.” Then his eyes brightened. “Oh! You could write it on my arse! That would be so hot!”

Regulus looked at James consideringly.

“Really?” The Gryffindor asked, a blush creeping onto his face.

Regulus considered it for another moment. “Really.” He decided.

“You’re all depraved.” Pandora complained despairingly.

“Yeah, and?” Barty said cheerfully.

“Here’s your present, James.” Pandora changed the subject with a roll of her eyes.

“Oo! Another one?” James said excitedly, tearing open the paper. “Oh, it’s so pretty!”

He held up a braided leather bracelet with odd-looking charms and rune-inscribed beads attached.

“It wards off wrackspurts.” The Ravenclaw told him sagely.

Regulus couldn’t for the life of him recall what a wrackspurt was but James seemed delighted. “That’ll be so helpful! Thank you so much, Pan!” He leaned over and gave the girl a friendly kiss on the cheek before starting to put on the bracelet.

She smiled at him, pleased. “I’m glad you like it.”

“My turn, I guess.” Emmeline said. “Happy birthday.”

“I’m sensing a theme.” James smiled as he opened the box to reveal a necklace.

Regulus’s mouth moved without permission. “That’s me.”

“Is it?” James said, inspecting the engraving on the pendant a little closer. “Cool. Help me put it on?”

Regulus squinted suspiciously at his friends before acquiescing. “Did you all attempt to ‘wingman’ me with your gifts?”

“Yes.”

“Definitely.”

“Hundred percent.”

“I just meant that they’ve all been jewellery.” James chuckled. “But that works too, I guess.”

The pendant sat neatly on James’s chest. The Leo constellation right by his heart. The Regulus star by the heart of the Gryffindor lion. Fuck, that was cheesy.

“People are going to think I’m a psycho.” Regulus commented absently. “The hickies, the initials and the necklace.”

James nodded in mock seriousness. “Because the hickies and the initials were completely normal, but the necklace? That’s going too far.”

Regulus hit him on the arm but it just made his man grin.

“Okay my turn!” Barty burst out, a maniacal look in his eye that put Regulus on edge.

He tossed James an unwrapped bottle of something. When the man turned it over in his hands he sucked in a breath.

“Oh, fuck you, Junior.”

It was lube.

Fucking strawberry-flavoured lube.

Regulus probably would have laughed if he wasn’t so blue-balled at the moment.

“Happy birthday.” Barty grinned evilly.

Evan sighed from beside him. “For the record, this next one is also Barty’s fault.”

“We had to get him joint gifts, Ev!” Barty insisted. “It’s superior couple behaviour.”

James reluctantly took a gift box from Evan. He cautiously lifted the lid, only to abruptly slam it shut before Regulus could get a look in. A brilliant flush lit up James’s features and he looked utterly mortified.

“What the actual fuck!” He cried out, horrified.

“What is it?” Regulus asked, half-curious, half-concerned.

James shook his head frantically, keeping his mouth firmly shut and a hand securely on the lid of the box.

“Oh, I’m so fucking curious now.” Emmeline peered at Barty and Evan, as if she could figure it out just from staring at them.

“Me too.” Dorcas said. “What is it, Potter?”

“Nope.” James insisted. “Nuh-uh.”

“You don’t have to pretend, Jimmy.” Barty drawled lasciviously. “We both know you’d enjoy it.”

“You’re sick, Junior.” The Gryffindor told him. “How did you even get this?”

The boy winked. “I have my ways.”

“I hate you.”

“Methinks the Lady doth protest too much.” Evan joined in, a slow smirk crawling onto his face as he looked James up and down calculatingly.

“What is it, James?” Regulus asked quietly in his ear. “I’m not going to judge you. This time.”

James grimaced. “Yeah, no. I’m just going to ignore this ever happened.”

“But Jimmy.” Barty sing-songed. “I’m sure Reg would love to see it.”

Regulus’s curiosity was through the roof by now. He raised an eyebrow at James who was studiously looking away. “Oh?”

“Not this time, Regulus.” James said decisively. “I will not give into you this time.”

“You give in every time.” Regulus replied surely.

“Nope! We’re not doing this!” James’s tone turned forcibly cheerful. “Thank you so much for the presents, guys! Except you Junior! You can go fuck yourself!”

“James.”

“No.”

“James.”

“No!”

“Please Sunshine?”

The Gryffindor shot him a betrayed look. “That’s cheating.”

Regulus smiled sweetly at him. “Let me look?”

James caved.

“Every time.” He muttered to himself, before reluctantly passing the box to Regulus.

The Slytherin gave him a quick peck on the cheek in thanks before opening the box.

Oh.

Immediately, Regulus started laughing. He just couldn’t help himself.

“Crouch, you’re so evil.” He managed between snickers.

There in the box, nestled on a velvet cushion, was a huge Slytherin-green dildo.

And when Regulus said huge, he meant fucking enormous.

James buried his face in his hands.

“Oh, you poor little virgin.” Regulus consoled his boyfriend by rubbing up and down his arm a few times.

“It vibrates.” Barty told him gleefully.

James groaned into his hands while Regulus had to bite back further laughter. His friends did not have the same restraint.

“Merlin, that thing is huge.” Pandora panted out between giggles.

“You’re in for a fun night, Potter!” Emmeline snickered.

“Scared of a little dick?” Evan added.

“That thing is not little.” Dorcas defended even as she laughed. “And that’s coming from an unbiased lesbian.”

“The question is, bigger or smaller?” Barty leaned forward, grinning wildly.

“What?” James’s head lifted to face him, confused.

“Your dick. Bigger or smaller?” Barty elaborated, looking like he was having the time of his life.

James, impossibly, blushed further. “I’m not answering that.”

Regulus absolutely had to know.

“Bigger or smaller, Sunshine?” He asked, batting his eyelashes.

“I–I… fuck.” James stammered before he covered his face with his hands again and tilted his head back to lay it on the top of the sofa back. He said something muffled through his hands.

“What was that?”

“About the same.” James admitted, a little louder.

Regulus’s eyebrows shot up and his head whipped to stare at the dildo. “Your cock’s this big?”

“Merlin, help you.” Emmeline breathed out, eyes flicking to Regulus.

“Would that even fit?” Pandora asked, looking academically fascinated.

“Oh, I am so jealous of you, right now.” Barty said to Regulus. “Now I want a ride.”

“I’m not even mad.” Evan commented. “Because me too, honestly.”

“James, this thing is huge.” Regulus picked up the dildo experimentally. Holy fuck.

“Can we talk about anything else?” The Gryffindor whined into his hands.

“Potter, your dick is apparently a monster, I think we are physically incapable of talking about anything else right now.” Dorcas told him.

“I’m going to need you to be more specific, James.” Regulus said firmly as he grasped the dildo, getting a familiarity with the size. “How similar are we talking?”

James reluctantly tilted his head back down and peeked through his hands at it. “Do I have to?”

“Yes.” Regulus insisted at the same time as Emmeline and Barty.

James squinted at the dildo through his fingers for a second before squeezing his eyes shut. “Maybe a tad shorter but probably thicker.”

“Thicker?” Regulus’s eyes widened. He would barely be able to get his hand around if that was the case.

“You’re going to die.” Pandora stated.

“RIP.” Dorcas added.

“Rest In Penis.” Barty snickered.

“What a way to go, though.” Emmeline grinned.

“Damn Potter.” Evan said, looking appraisingly down at the man’s crotch.

“Maybe it’s a good thing we’re waiting.” Regulus muttered absently. “I’m going to need to work up to this.”

“Oo! Can I watch the training sessions?” Barty leered.

James made a whimpering sound. It was music to Regulus’s ears.

“Just when I thought you couldn’t get any more perfect.” Regulus placed the dildo back in the box and closed the lid. “I should have taken Peter to heart when he said your cock was big.”

“I should have taken it to heart and fucked you before Reg sunk his claws in.” Barty said wistfully.

“Me too.” Emmeline agreed.

“Yeah.” Evan nodded.

“All mine now.” Regulus smirked reaching for James’s hands and pulling them down gently. He leaned up and pecked his boyfriend on the lips.

“Are we done?” James asked a little desperately. “Can we move on now?”

Regulus took pity on him. “Yes. We can move on.”

Pandora smiled kindly at him. “Why don’t you tell us about your day so far?”

And so, James launched into a retelling of his morning and date, while Regulus watched him with barely hidden fondness. The conversation quickly devolved into other things and Regulus lost himself in the comfort of being surrounded by all his favourite people. Dorcas resumed painting her nails while Barty and Evan sat cuddled up to each other right there in the Common Room. Meanwhile, Emmeline hung precariously off of her armchair and Pandora leaned into James a bit more. Salazar, one would have expected James to stick out like a sore thumb but he slotted into place like he had always been there, chatting and laughing (and playfully arguing with Barty). It made Regulus’s heart feel warm and full. Who knew life could be like this?

Eventually, they split up for dinner, James spending the meal and the early evening with his Gryffindor brood. But he showed up at the Slytherin Common Room later with a doe-eyed look and Regulus let him in, leading him up to the dorm, where they fell into easy conversation with Evan and Barty.

“And I’ll have a few training days over the holiday but I’m sure the house will be full enough you lot don’t get bored.” James was saying casually.

It gave Regulus pause.

“What do you mean by that?” He tried to ask lightly.

“Oh, well, you guys are coming home for the holiday, right? To set up your rooms properly and all that.” James answered carefully as his eyes scanned Regulus then Barty and Evan. “I’m sorry, I kind of just assumed.”

“We’re invited for the holiday?” Evan ventured, equally careful.

“Mate,” James gave him a confused smile, “you’re invited forever.”

And wasn’t that just mind-boggling. Regulus was still struggling to get his head around the reality he found himself in and he was sure his two friends were feeling much the same way.

The blond returned the smile hesitantly. “I didn’t want to assume.”

“Assume away.” The Gryffindor told him easily. “You could be a forty-year-old unemployed bum and my folks would probably still let you crash with us.”

Regulus let out a breath while tension seeped out of Evan’s body. “Well, that’s… relieving… to hear.” He said.

Barty joined in, drumming his fingers against Evan’s leg. “So… what can we expect?”

Both Regulus and Evan perked up, paying attention.

James shrugged. “Our house is big. Lots of rooms. Lils got lost 6 times last summer. Everyone’s always over. Gardens are nice – My Mum’s quite proud of the camellias this year…” He began listing.

“I think he meant with your parents.” Evan interrupted, not unkindly. “Behavioural expectations and the like.”

“Oh.” James looked vaguely uncomfortable for a second, as he pondered the best way to go about this.

Regulus, meanwhile, was holding his breath.

What sort of expectations would the Potters have? Certainly, they couldn’t be too restricting given James’s general Jamesness, but there would surely be a set of rules that Regulus and his friends would have to learn. Adapting quickly would be the trick – to ensure they weren’t kicked out. Regulus listened closely, prepared to take detailed mental notes.

“Not much to say on that front, really.” James began, aiming for nonchalant but landing a mile off. “Uhm… try not to break anything? I knock an antique over at least once a week and my Mum gives me that disappointed look which I hate.”

That… couldn’t be it.

“What else?” Regulus prompted, trying to keep the nerves and disbelief out of his tone.

“I really don’t know.” James tilted his head in thought. “Oh! My parents prefer if you let them know before you go out anywhere because they get paranoid about safety. Umm… Knock on the door before you go into Dad’s lab or Mum’s office when they’re working?” He offered, seemingly wracking his brain. “Try not to track mud in the halls? Oh! This isn’t a rule per say, but my parents like to have family dinner at the same time every night. You don’t have to go, but they secretly get upset whenever I miss it so I try not to.”

“Rules? Attire? Way to address them?” Evan hedged.

“Don’t be a dick? Whatever you want? And they’ll probably prefer ‘Effie’ and ‘Monty’?” James suggested back.

Barty gave him a doubtful look. “Are you fucking with us?”

“What? No!” James exclaimed. “My parents really aren’t that strict. They always say that respect is the foundation of a functioning home, so as long as that’s there, they don’t really care that much.”

“That sounds fake.” Evan frowned, thinking hard. Regulus was on the same page.

“What are the… deterrents?” He chose his words carefully.

The light in James’s eyes dimmed and he tightened his grip on Regulus’s thigh. “No… deterrents.” He formed the word as if it tasted awful on his tongue. “My parents will just give a disappointed speech if you do something they don’t like.”

Barty nodded, comforted by this thought. “Emotional manipulation. That’s not so bad.”

Regulus too felt his nerves settle down. “Definitely manageable.” He agreed.

James looked strangely distressed by this. “It’s not manipulation… it’s– it’s…” He struggled for words. “Guidance.” He settled on eventually. “The acknowledgment that you did something wrong and then the polite request not to do it again. Guiding you along the right lines.”

There were a few moments of quiet as they processed this.

“So, when you say no deterrents…” Evan ventured.

“I mean it.” James responded firmly.

More silence.

“I’m not sure I’m following.” Evan admitted.

“Walk me through it, Jimmy.” Barty instructed, eyes boring into the Gryffindor intensely. “I smash a vase in a fit of rage. What happens next?”

“My parents would usher you away from the sharp remains and try to calm you down. Then, they would talk to you about why you’re so angry, Reparo the vase, and teasingly ask you not to break any more heirlooms today.” James said seriously.

Regulus could not believe his ears. “Even though he smashed it on purpose?”

“Especially because he smashed it on purpose.” James replied without hesitation. “You don’t do that sort of thing without a reason and my parents would probably be more concerned with that than some old vase.”

“Are your parents fucking saints?” Barty sat back disbelievingly.

“There’s no way.” Evan commented in response to James, more to himself than anything else.

“Merlin.” Was all Regulus could manage.

“I’m going to Azkaban for murder.” James burst out, his face practically thunderous with restrained rage. “Murder.”

Regulus was oddly touched. He looked his boyfriend in the eye and when he spoke his words came out quiet. “We’re really safe now, aren’t we?”

“Yes.” He answered strongly, his eyes alight with furious passion and unshakeable determination. “I’m never letting anyone lay a hand on any of you ever again.”

Regulus melted.

Barty gave a wobbly grin. “Careful there, Jimmy. Your Golden Boy is showing.”

“I might just swoon.” Evan added, equally unsteady.

James just stared at Regulus intently. His eyes were so warm. “I mean it. Never again.”

Impossibly, Regulus believed him.