Warm

‘Feelings.’ Regulus thought to himself as he watched James explain to a Fourth-Year girl the best way to portion out her potion into vials. ‘Tell him how you feel.’

They were currently wrapping up Evans’s practical session for Potions with Remus’s study group. It had been a rather excellent success and everything had gone quite smoothly. That being said, Regulus was rather looking forward to next week’s session on Herbology as he wouldn’t have to teach it.

‘Feelings.’ He refocused his thoughts. ‘Tell him you like him. Simple as that.’

Except, it wasn’t simple at all, really.

Their whole situation was extremely complicated. James was his best friend’s brother, struggling with the thought of betraying him to be with Regulus. And he was leaving in just over a month’s time to play on a Professional Quidditch Team. Regulus, meanwhile, was closeted to the outside world and trapped under his parent’s thumb – they would never be able to be together publicly. Then, there was the added fact that Regulus’s seduction of James was part of an elaborate revenge plot against his brother.

Not simple at all.

And all of this was not to mention that Regulus wasn’t even entirely sure what he was feeling. He wanted to fuck James, that much was sure, but the rest? The words ‘crush’ and ‘like’ didn’t seem to cover it. It would be more accurate to say that Regulus was obsessed. That he wanted to possess James. Ruin him. He wanted to hold the boy tight and never let him go, no matter the consequences.

But that wasn’t something Regulus could just say to James; it would almost certainly scare him off, and Regulus would not let that happen.

‘James, I like you.’ Regulus tried experimentally in his head. It sounded… insufficient.

‘James, I care about you. A lot. And I want more than what we have now.’ Was that too vague? Regulus felt like it was too vague.

Mentally, Regulus groaned in frustration. Why was this so hard? He had no bloody clue what to say that could possibly change James’s mind.

“Are you alright?” The subject of his thoughts asked, concern shining in his warm brown eyes. “You seemed a bit lost in there.” He commented, gesturing to his own head.

Regulus suddenly realised that the session had officially finished and that most of the students were packing up and on their way out. Evans was watching the two of them carefully from the front of the room.

“I wanted to talk to you. About… something.” Regulus said awkwardly, trying his best to get his act together.

“Oh? Shoot.” James responded easily, gesturing for him to go ahead.

“Not here.” Regulus clarified. “Somewhere private. Do you have time this evening?”

“Er, no. Sorry. I have… a thing. With Remus.” James said, uncharacteristically vague. Regulus tried not to let it panic him. “Some other time?”

“How about tomorrow morning?” Regulus suggested. He should be free given that it was a Sunday.

“I, uh. I’m actually busy most of tomorrow.” Regulus heart sank. Was James avoiding him?

“Godric, this sounds like I’m avoiding you. I’m not, I promise! I just have a bunch of private tutoring sessions for younger kids lined up for tomorrow. Minnie, I mean, Professor McGonagall, asked me as a favour and I can never say no to her.” James was quick to explain, rubbing the back of his neck absently.

Regulus took a deep breath to calm himself. James wasn’t avoiding him; he was just busy.

“I’ll be free in the evening, though, if that works for you?” The boy offered and Regulus breathed a sigh of relief.

“Yes, that suits me just fine. Meet me in the Astronomy Tower after dinner?”

“Yes.” James smiled. “I can definitely do that.”

“Splendid.” Regulus said. ‘Splendid? What the fuck is wrong with me?’

James’s smile turned more amused. “Splendid, indeed. I’ve got to head off now, but I’ll see you then.”

Regulus nodded in agreement, waving him off.

Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. Feelings talk. Tomorrow evening.

He totally had this in the bag. It was going to be great, and he was finally going to–

Oh, who was he kidding? It was sure to be a complete and utter disaster.

He laid his head on the table in defeat.

Feelings could go fuck itself.

*

Regulus got there early, slipping onto his seat on the ledge and basking in the calm of being so high up. By the time James showed up, he had settled his nerves enough that he didn’t think he was in danger of throwing himself off the tower anymore. He could absolutely get through this conversation. No problem at all.

“Hi.” The boy greeted, slipping into the seat beside him. “How are you this fine evening?”

“I’m alright.” Regulus answered. “You?”

“Better now.” The Slytherin’s heart fluttered. “Kids are cute but kind of exhausting and so dumb sometimes. You’re much better company.”

“I should hope so.” Regulus replied, warming up to his regular banter. “Though, I expect your standards for good company are abysmally low.”

“Or, yours are incredibly high.” James countered easily.

“You should consider yourself flattered then.” Regulus said, trying to give himself a good segway. “I’m making an exception for you.”

“I’ll have you know I am excellent company!” James blustered playfully. “Everyone loves to hang out with me!”

“Snape.” Regulus argued.

“Almost everyone loves to hang out with me!” He corrected without missing a beat. 

‘I like to hang out with you.’ Regulus thought. The opening was right there. He opened his mouth to speak.

“James, I…” The words got stuck in his throat.

“Yes?” The Gryffindor answered, giving Regulus a soft smile. He looked utterly beautiful in the moonlight, shining brighter than any of the stars in the sky.

“I think yesterday went well.” He said instead, losing his nerve. “With the study group.”

“Oh! Yeah! It was better than I expected to be honest.” James replied with a dazzling grin, rolling with the change in topic seamlessly. “They all had such interesting questions! Although, I probably should have expected that given how smart everyone in your group is.”

“It’s Remus’s group.”

James rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “Oh, you know what I meant, you pedantic bastard.”

“James.” Regulus tried again. “I have something to tell you.”

“Oh yeah, you said yesterday. Go ahead.” The boy smiled encouragingly.

“I…”

Fuck.

“James, I…”

His smile slowly dimmed as a frown overtook his features. “Is something wrong?”

“Not really.” Regulus tried to get his heart rate under control. “I’m just…”

“Take your time, then.” James reassured him. “I’ll wait as long as you need.”

Double fuck.

Regulus took a steadying breath.

“James… I wanted to tell you that I really–”

“Prongs! There you are!” Came the least wanted voice in the world.

Regulus turned in time to see Sirius clambering up the stairs with a massive smile on his face. He was closely followed by a whole entourage of people – James’s friends – all with matching grins.

“Congrats, man!” Peter exclaimed before he realised they were interrupting. “Oh, sorry–”

“Why didn’t you tell us?!” Sirius yelled over the other boy, coming right over to clap James on the back. He was quickly hauled to his feet and Regulus found himself reluctantly standing too.

“Tell you what?” James asked, looking completely bewildered.

Sirius brandished a familiar stack of parchment, waving it joyfully for all to see.

Regulus’s heart sank to his stomach. He immediately looked over to James in time to watch the colour drain from his face. Nobody else seemed to notice.

The Prewetts came up on either side of the boy, shaking his shoulders playfully.

“The Montrose Magpies!” Fabian Prewett shouted delightedly. “That’s so cool!”

“But the Tornados are cooler!” Gideon Prewett shouted with equal fervour.

“Godric, Jamie, why didn’t you say anything?” Mckinnon wacked him on the chest before throwing an arm over Sirius’s shoulders.

“We’re so proud!” Evans exclaimed.

“Five offers!” Sirius chimed back in, looking over the moon. “My best mate is a bloody superstar!”

James looked rather like he was going to be sick. “Guys…”

“Which one are you going to pick?” Macdonald bounced on her toes.

“Please say the Magpies!” Mckinnon cut in.

This seemed to illicit a cacophony of opinions as the Gryffindors yelled over each other about their favourite team.

“Yes! The Magpies rule!”

“Guys.”

“Are you kidding? Puddlemere all the way!”

“Guys!”

“The Tornados are the best! You cannot disagree!”

“Would you just–”

“Don’t forget about the Cannons, I swear to–”

“Guys please–”

“The Bats smashed through last season!”

“EVERYBODY SHUT UP!” Regulus cried out when he’d finally had enough.

The group fell silent, giving him incredulous looks.

“This doesn’t concern you, Reggie–” Sirius sneered but Regulus ignored him.

He turned to make eye contact with James, nodding encouragingly. “You were saying, James?”

Their eyes all turned on him at once and Regulus fought back a wince. He hadn’t meant to make it worse.

“I, uhm… Thank you?” He said weakly.

“No need to thank us, mate!” Sirius replied. “We’re happy for–”

“Shut up!” Regulus interrupted again. “James?”

“I…” He cleared his throat. “I haven’t really decided yet–”

“Well, we can help with that, can’t we?” Mckinnon interjected.

Regulus was at his wit’s end. “For the love of Hecate! Shut the fuck up and let him finish!”

James sent him a grateful look that didn’t go unnoticed by the crowd.

“Fine.” Sirius said. “Go on, Prongs.”

James took a deep breath. “I haven’t decided yet if I want to say yes to any of the offers at all–”

“What?” Mckinnon shrieked. Regulus wanted to bash her skull in.

James just closed his eyes, looking completely miserable and utterly overwhelmed. “I haven’t decided–”

“Yes, I heard you the first time!” The blonde girl roared. “But I cannot fathom why because you’ve been talking about being a professional Quidditch player since you were six!”

“Let’s hear him out, Marls.” Peter said placatingly. “Jamie?”

The boy shuffled nervously. “Well, they want me to drop out of school–”

“So?” Sirius held his hands out exasperatedly. “Who in their right mind chooses school over Quidditch?”

James slumped at the words. “You’re right, mate, I just–”

“Of course, I’m right. So, what’s the bloody issue?”

Regulus felt his temper flare. “He was just about to say before you fucking interrupted him! Now if all of you don’t shut up and listen, I’m going to start shooting silencing spells.”

Mckinnon puffed up. “Who fucking asked you, you dirty snake?”

Regulus raised his wand.

“Hey now!” Remus interjected. “Let’s all calm down! James, you were saying?”

James was so stressed, he looked to be on the verge of hyperventilating. Regulus recognised the look immediately. “I… I don’t… I– fuck…”

Regulus didn’t waste a second more, he pushed past the Gryffindors surrounding the boy, shoving them back and took James’s face in his hands. “Breathe James.”

“Get your hands off–”

Regulus didn’t budge. “You need to breathe, James. You’re having a panic attack.”

“I-I… I-I d-don’t…” He stuttered, eyes wide with terror.

“Don’t worry about them. Just focus on me. Breathe for me, James.” Regulus instructed, pulling one of James’s hands to rest over on his own chest, before replacing his hand on the boy’s cheek. He started taking long, exaggerated breaths. “Follow my lead: in… and out. In… and out.”

James struggled to suck in air, following along with faltering breaths even as tears spilled from his eyes.

“You’re doing so good for me, Sunshine. In… and out. Just breathe in… and out.” Regulus tried his best to keep his tone soothing and gentle, even as worry clouded his mind. “That’s it, darling. In… and out.”

Regulus wasn’t sure how long they stood there, breathing in sync as he muttered honeyed words at a gradually calming James. He didn’t pay attention to anything or anyone but the boy in his hands. Eventually, James’s breaths evened out and Regulus gently wiped his tears away.

“Thank you.” The Gryffindor whispered, his voice hoarse from the crying.

“Not a problem.” Regulus whispered back not making any move to pull away.

“I’m sorry for–”

“I hate to interrupt you again, Sunshine, but you have absolutely nothing to apologise for.”

“I over-reacted.” James muttered, not looking him in the eyes.

“You’re allowed to react however you want when people overstep your boundaries. Hell – you’re allowed to have boundaries. You know that, right?”

James hummed unconvincingly.

“You didn’t owe them any information.” Regulus tried to make his tone gentle but it probably came across quite firm. “They are the ones who fucked up.”

James took a shuddering breath. “Can we sit down?”

“Of course.” Regulus agreed easily, finally letting his hands fall from the boy’s face. James sat on the ground and, unwilling to lose their closeness, the Slytherin dropped onto his lap, wrapping his legs around the boy and hugging him tightly. “Is this okay?”

“Yeah.” James answered quietly, burying his face in Regulus’s neck. When he spoke again, his voice was muffled. “I hated that.”

“Me too.” Regulus responded softly.

“‘s been a while.” The Gryffindor revealed.

“Since you had a panic attack?”

Regulus felt him nod more than saw him. Regulus wasn’t sure how to react to that so he just ran a hand up and down the boy’s back.

“You ever…?” James asked.

“All the time when I was younger.” Regulus said, uncaring of who heard in this moment. “Not so much anymore.”

James hummed in acknowledgment.

There was a pause.

“You can have boundaries too.” James murmured. “With your parents.”

Merlin, this boy was recovering from a panic attack and still had the mind to think about others. Absolutely unbelievable.

“I’m more concerned about you than them right now.” Regulus said. James didn’t respond to that.

They stayed there for a while. Regulus wasn’t sure how long. Eventually, someone came to interrupt them.

“Hi.” Peter said softly as he knelt beside them. “I’m so sorry, Jamie – I should have shut them up right away. Me and Moons sent the whole lot away and we gave them a right telling off too. Sirius shouldn’t have snooped through your stuff and–”

He didn’t get to finish as James pulled back from Regulus and wrapped the boy in a hug. The position looked uncomfortable so Regulus reluctantly slid off his lap, giving them the space to embrace each other properly. The boy started crying again as he held his old friend tightly.

“Shh. It’s okay, Jamie. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Let it out.” Peter began muttering soothing words as he held him close. It felt like a much shorter time before James collected himself again.

“I got snot all over you both.” He tried to joke as he pulled back.

“I don’t care and neither does Regulus.” Peter said, not willing to joke back right now.

James sagged, taking a deep breath. “I don’t really want to go back to the dorm right now.”

“You don’t have to.” Peter assured him. “We can find you somewhere else to crash if you want, but I should say, we kicked Sirius out for the night. He’s staying up with Gid.”

James nodded as he processed this. “I guess the dorm’s fine, then.”

“Alright.” Peter held out a hand. “It’s getting late and you’re probably exhausted, so let’s get you to bed.”

James took his hand and let himself be pulled up wordlessly.

Peter looked at Regulus, even as he steadied James against his side. “I’ve got him from here, but… thank you. Can’t thank you enough, actually.”

Regulus stared into his eyes and an understanding passed between them. “Of course.”

Peter nodded once before turning his full attention on James. As they made their way out of the tower, Regulus watched them go with a heavy heart. He wished he could go with them.

*

James looked wrecked the next morning as he entered the Great Hall.

Regulus spotted him immediately, feeling his stomach churn uncomfortably at the obvious misery written all over the Gryffindor’s face. Regulus watched him trudge over to his House’s table, Peter glued to his side. They lasted all of two minutes before the blonde boy stood up abruptly and pulled his friend along with him, glaring at the other students at the table.

In a matter of minutes, the two Gryffindors came to sit opposite Regulus at the Slytherin table, Peter slipping in beside Emmeline and sandwiching James between himself and an instantly concerned-looking Barty.

“Who do I need to punch?” The brunet asked fiercely, scouting out the Gryffindor table behind him with a glare.

“Our whole bloody house, apparently.” Peter muttered angrily into his eggs. “‘Cept Moons, of course.”

“Challenge accepted.” Barty nodded, readying to get up. James grabbed his arm and held him in place.

“Please, don’t.” He said tiredly. “They mean well.”

Regulus looked over to the Gryffindor table which seemed to be more raucous than normal. Loud arguments and debates were being held over the table while Remus seemed to be reprimanding people left, right and centre, trying to calm them where he could.

“I’m not convinced.” Regulus told him, letting his eyes fall back to James.

“What’s even happening over there?” Evan asked with a frown. “They’re louder than normal.”

James tensed causing Peter to lean into him further.

“You don’t have to say shit, mate. We don’t have to talk about it.” Peter said firmly but James just shook his head.

“News’ll be all over the castle by the end of the day, anyway.” He played with his food distractedly. “Can you say?”

“‘Course, Jamie.” Peter assured him before turning to the others. “James got five different offers to play with professional Quidditch Teams, but they all want him to drop out of school for it. He doesn’t know whether he wants to do that or not so he was keeping it quiet.” He took a deep breath, clenching his fork tightly in his hand. “Unfortunately, Sirius and the rest of our housemates don’t know the meaning of boundaries – He snooped through James’s stuff, found the offers and immediately told everyone.” His expression turned guilty. “Even I got caught up in it at first and I’m sorry for that–”

James waved him away. “You already apologised. I’ve forgiven you.”

Peter nodded tightly, still looking guilty. “We accosted him last night, sending James into a bloody panic, and since then he’s said clearly that he doesn’t want to talk about it, but that still hasn’t stopped all of them from running their mouths and shoving their unwanted opinions right in his face.”

“Okay, I’m on board now – let’s hex those fuckers into next week.” Evan said, reaching for his wand.

“Please–” James tried.

“We’ve got to defend your honour, Jimmy.” Barty insisted.

Dorcas was nodding. “They have to learn their lesson somehow.”

“Guys please–”

“I’ll hold Sirius down while you punch him.” Emmeline told Barty, ignoring James.

He slumped miserably. “Not again.”

This instantly caused the group to pause, examining him closely.

“Oh James.” Pandora sighed sympathetically, reaching across the table to grasp his hand. “We’ll stop now, I promise. We’re listening to you.”

“Please don’t start a fight.” The boy pleaded quietly.

“We won’t.” Regulus told him decisively. His friends reluctantly agreed around him. 

James breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks. … Can we talk about… anything else now?”

“Of course.” Dorcas said smoothly. “Slughorn’s going to have us working in pairs for the Draught of Living Death potion, I reckon.”

James nodded, grateful for the topic change. “Makes sense – it’s kind of a long and complicated process.”

“Do you have a partner yet, or can I snatch you up?”

James looked surprised but pleased at that. “Snatch away, Meadowes.”

“Good, because I was skimming the textbook the other day and I’m intimidated.” The girl replied, with the barest hint of a smile at him.

“It’s not as bad as it seems.” The boy reassured. It didn’t take him long to launch into an explanation of the various processes and how they were similar to things they had already done. He didn’t seem to notice the victorious smirk on her face or the grateful smile from Peter at distracting him so effectively.

The rest of breakfast passed without incident but James had been right in the end – the school was abuzz with rumours of James dropping out of school to play Quidditch by the time lunch came around. And by dinner, people were outright stopping by to ask James himself about it. In response, the boy would nod tightly and mumble something about not having made any decisions yet until Peter shooed them off. The two Gryffindors sat at the Slytherin table for all three meals while Remus tried and failed to wrangle his housemates.

It didn’t get better by the next day.

The topic became the juicy new gossip on everyone’s minds and tongues. When James walked through the halls, the crowds parted like he was a celebrity. He couldn’t seem to escape students yelling out at him in support of their favourite team. Peter had taken to following him like a shadow, hexing anyone who tried to get too close (Regulus absolutely approved).

It certainly didn’t help when James ended up in the paper one morning as a potential new Quidditch star. After that, it somehow got even worse.

James started avoiding the Great Hall altogether, a few days in, taking his meals down in the Kitchens with Peter. Regulus and his friends popped down to join them regularly.

James looked more miserable and stressed by the day, bags settling beneath his eyes and a slump in his posture. He trudged throughout the school with none of his usual swagger. Even his normally wild hair seemed tamer than usual.

“This is why I didn’t tell anyone.” James confided to Regulus one dinnertime. “I knew it wouldn’t stay a secret if I did.”

Regulus was livid by the whole situation. He could understand the fascination – it was most definitely not a regular occurrence for a schoolboy to get signed for professional Quidditch, and Hogwarts had been spoiled over the years with easy access to their Golden Boy. But James was unravelling for all to see, and most of the students didn’t even seem to notice. Merlin, even the teachers were being unhelpful.

“What happened?” Regulus asked one lunch when James came shuffling in, looking especially troubled.

“Minnie happened.” Peter answered with a sigh, gratefully taking a plate from an offering elf with a quick thanks.

“Professor McGonagall?” Emmeline asked in confusion.

“She said she’s proud of me and that she’ll be there to cheer me on in my first game, whichever team I pick.” James said numbly.

“Oh no.” Pandora swept him up in a hug. “She didn’t mean to pressure you, I’m sure.”

“I know.” He sighed into the embrace. “But I still…” He trailed off but they all gave murmurs of understanding.

Regulus didn’t know how to help. Didn’t know what to do at all. All his plans were put on hold – they simply didn’t matter anymore. All Regulus cared about now was making sure James was okay.

They all skipped the Ravenclaw-Hufflepuff Quidditch match, even Pandora, and spent the time trying to cheer James up with a few games of exploding snap. The boy kept up with his practices and training sessions for Quidditch but the stands were flooded with spectators every time. Emmeline and Dorcas started joining the sessions again in a fruitless attempt to take some of the attention off of James. It didn’t work but he seemed to appreciate it at least.

The end of term was only a few days away and James didn’t seem any closer to a decision. Regulus now had a more comprehensive idea of the boy’s thoughts as they had had a few small discussions here and there about the dilemma since it all came out.

They were discussing his options once again when the idea occurred to Regulus.

“I just wish I didn’t have to choose, you know?” James was saying quietly. He was so very quiet these days. “I just want the best of both. Which is stupid but–”

Regulus stilled as a thought slammed into him. “What if you didn’t?”

“What?”

“What if you didn’t have to choose?” Regulus shifted in his seat.

James looked confused more than anything. “What are you on about?”

“You’ve been getting more letters lately, piling on with more and more perks because each of the teams want you so desperately.” Regulus began.

“Yes, you know this.” James’s face was pinched in a frown.

“They want you desperately.” Regulus repeated emphatically. “Any way they can have you. You could ask for the moon and they’d try to accommodate you.”

“I’m not following.”

Regulus grabbed the boy’s hands thoughtlessly. “You have all the power here, James. Negotiate a deal you want. Your ideal team is the Tornados, right?”

“Well, yeah, but they said–”

“Screw what they said!” Regulus insisted. “Tell them you’d be willing to start training with them part-time but that you want to finish school before you join officially.”

James visibly paused. “You think they’d go for that?”

“You’ll never know unless you ask. Set up a meeting. Go for what you want. If they say no, you’re not in any worse position than you were before.” Regulus reasoned passionately.

James looked down at their joined hands, processing for a moment. “I’m going to go write some letters.”

Regulus didn’t stop the smile from creeping onto his face. “Okay.”

James looked up at him. “You’re amazing, you know that?”

“Yes, I do, but feel free to tell me more often.” Regulus smirked mischievously.

James smiled back before sobering up and taking a deep breath. “I’ll try not to get my hopes up, but this could be…”

“I know.” Regulus squeezed his hands. “Now go write those letters.”

With one final smile, James headed off to his dorm, Peter scrambling to follow after giving Em a goodbye kiss.

*

When Regulus was younger, Yuletide was his favourite time of year.

His parents always held a massive continual feast in one of their grander ancestral homes, that lasted the whole span of the twelve-day period. Various associates of his parents would come in and out so the place would be far less empty than normal and Regulus was allowed to wear more elaborate robes in festive colours. Best of all, his parents were so busy with their guests that their children could pretty much roam free.

An altar to Hecate was set up in the drawing room with candles and shiny offerings that Regulus had loved to stare at when he was little, even though he wasn’t allowed to touch. Meanwhile, the rooms would be decorated with wreaths and boughs of mistletoe, holly and ivy, streamers of gold in between. And the hearth burned continuously, warming Regulus right to the heart.

After his first year at Hogwarts, Sirius came home, whispering to Regulus about this Muggle Holiday named ‘Christmas’ where people exchanged presents with their loved ones. They both had a wonderful time making homemade gifts to give to each other in the quiet of the night.

At Hogwarts, the celebrations weren’t quite as grand but they were just as warm. The Great Hall was decorated in festoons of holly and mistletoe with a number of decorated Yule trees around – Dorcas and Emmeline called them ‘Christmas trees’ instead. At both of the Muggleborn girls’ requests, their group took up some Christmas traditions, giving each other gifts as he had done with Sirius and sharing a drink called eggnog by the Common Room fire before they all separated for the break.

As the years passed by, Regulus started to enjoy his Hogwarts celebrations more and more, while reality crashed in on the celebrations at home.

Where the warmth at Hogwarts was real and true, under the Black family roof it was all a lie. The whole Yuletide was a performance, a chance for his parents to play happy family and show off to their peers. That’s why they held it at their grandest property. That’s why the decorations were so rich and elaborate but why Regulus had never been allowed to lay a finger on them.

When the guests weren’t around, his parents were as cruel and abusive as ever.

The years went by and the feast came to seem like a farce. The decorations, a beautiful show. The roaring fire, a heatless blaze.

Sirius didn’t giggle with him in the night as they snuck out of their beds to steal from the feast any more. Regulus didn’t spring out of bed to throw on his finest robes each morning. He wasn’t enchanted by the glitz and the glamour of the decorations.

Not anymore.

This year, the holiday went by in a dull blur. The first since Sirius had left the house. The decorations seemed finer than normal and his parents more animated as they chatted up their guests. But Regulus knew why. They were covering up the broken pieces of their family with an elaborate show.

Regulus spent most of his time shying away from the festivities, which suited his parents just fine and gave him a chance to recover from his Mother’s… enthusiastic greeting. He was beyond relieved when Evan stopped by with his own parents and the boys slipped away at the first opportunity, exchanging horror stories from their past few weeks.

When he was alone, Regulus spent a truly embarrassing amount of time lying in bed, his thoughts slipping faithfully back to a certain Gryffindor.

James.

Regulus knew it wasn’t safe for them to have any contact at all while he was under his parents’ roof, and he had been glad when James hadn’t suggested they write to each other over the break. But he was going out of his mind wondering whether or not he’d be seeing James again when he finally boarded the train to Hogwarts. Regulus had been diligently checking the news every morning and listening in on any conversation about Quidditch for a sign that the Gryffindor had signed a deal.

He couldn’t find anything but rumours.

Still, a small part of him, a part which he had thought died long ago, was doing the most peculiar thing. Hoping. Clinging to it like a silly child with their favourite toy. Regulus thought he had learned by now that hope was a useless notion. That facts were the only thing he could truly put his faith in. And yet, here he was. Hoping. Hoping to see James again.

How odd.

*

“Cousin. I do hope you are well.” The blonde greeted with a pleasant smile.

Regulus had always thought it was a work of art; Narcissa’s smile. Pleasant and amenable. Friendly but not overly so. Almost unnoticeably bland and yet eye-catching enough that one would look at it and think, ‘Yes, what a pretty girl with a pleasant smile’, and then think nothing further of it.

All of Narcissa was quite like that actually. She was a master of being there but in the background. Quiet but not meek. Reserved but not bland. She used her looks to her advantage; tilting her long neck to entice attention, batting her pretty eyelashes to sway men this way and that, tossing her shiny blonde locks over her shoulder, and all the while distracting from the coldness of her calculating grey eyes.

Black family eyes.

Narcissa had always been Regulus’s favourite cousin. He wanted to be just like her when he was younger, following her around like a little duckling and imitating her every move with only half of her grace. She had accepted his adoration quite easily and when it became clear that their temperaments were so very aligned, she had taken him under her wing with nary a complaint in sight.

For all that Sirius had been his hero growing up, Narcissa was his mentor.

She was the one who taught him to keep his face blank no matter what. She was the one who advised him when to speak and when to remain silent. She was the one who taught him the beauty and the strength in turning yourself into a living statue.

Cold. Beautiful. Seen and not heard.

She taught him Occlumency. How to put up walls so high and so strong that he could barely see over them himself. She taught him how to disassociate from his own body when the pain became too unbearable. Taught him healing spells and breathing techniques. How not to flinch even with a wand in his face. How to blend in like a shadow and be quieter than a whisper. To move as gracefully as a dancer and think as strategically as a war general. To embrace the cold of his home and let the ice fill his veins and his heart.

He owed his survival as much to her as to his long-gone brother. Perhaps, more. 

“I am well.” He responded coolly, nevermind the dull ache of his still-healing ribs. He smiled as pleasantly as she had taught him. “And you?”

She nodded once in lieu of answer as she gazed over the room. The action looked idle to anyone else but Regulus knew that she was carefully calculating how much she could say. Deciding their other family members were far enough away, she cast the subtlest Notice-Me-Not spell wandlessly and wordlessly. She always had been good at that.

“Potter?” She simply asked quietly, her lips barely moving at all even despite the spell. She pretended to observe her nails.

“Yes.” Regulus murmured back, just as subtly. He followed her lead and let his eyes wander idly as he adopted a quietly bored expression.

Her lip twitched ever so slightly. “Why?”

“Hot.” He answered. Her eyes twinkled in amusement despite her expression not moving an inch.

“Fair.” She conceded before a seriousness entered her features. “Stupid.”

“Very.” He admitted.

“And?” She asked, clearly sensing there was more to it.

Regulus’ response was barely audible at all. “Sirius.”

Narcissa didn’t react in the slightest. It was very telling. “I see.” She said after a moment.

There was a pause.

“Luck.” She wished him then, and Regulus tried to guess what she was thinking. She had clearly cottoned onto his revenge plan already, but did she approve?

“Yes?” He asked.

“Yes.” She answered, meeting his gaze finally. Oh. It was actually quite comforting to know that she would have done the same thing to Andromeda if she could.

“Careful.” She warned next and Regulus appreciated her concern.

“Luck.” He wished her in return, letting his eyes flick to the ring on her finger.

She sighed then, gently and barely there. “Future.”

Regulus fought not to frown. Oh, he did not like being reminded that he would be facing the same fate as her sometime down the line.

Narcissa regarded her own ring carefully for a moment. “Maybe not.” She said eventually and Regulus tried not to lose his shit.

“Future.” He insisted. No matter how much he hated the notion, he would do his duty to his family just as Narcissa was doing. He couldn’t just shirk his responsibilities the same way both of their elder siblings had. They were the dependable spares after all.

Again, her cold grey eyes met his cold grey eyes.

“Maybe not.” She repeated, her tone filled with… hope… for him.

Regulus couldn’t believe his ears. Was she seriously encouraging him? To run away just like Sirius and Andromeda did?

“Black.” He said experimentally. Family first; Narcissa taught him that.

“More.” She replied immediately. And when she stared into his eyes this time, she didn’t need to say anymore out loud.

‘You still have time.’ She was telling him. ‘Run while you can.’

Regulus’s mind spun.

*

As he stepped onto the Hogwarts Express, however, Regulus’s mind was stuck on one thing and one thing only.

James.

Regulus quickly found his friends, greeting them distractedly before placing his luggage in the overhead compartment. He was a bundle of nervous energy waiting for the hallway to clear and the train to set off. The moment the train pulled out of the station, he was out the door, striding down the corridor and looking in every compartment.

His heart was hammering in his chest, his palms slick with sweat. Would James be there, laughing away with his friends? Or would Regulus stumble upon a compartment and lock eyes with Peter, only for the other boy to shake his head? Regulus could picture both options so clearly in his mind and his stomach churned in anticipation. Which would it be? Would there be breath-taking relief or bone-chilling disappointment?

He kept walking, relentless and determined, his eyes scanning each and every compartment with the very same focus he so often used to find the snitch. Regulus was a hunter, a predator, searching for his target unerringly. And he would find what he was looking for. He would not stop until he knew.

Regulus was nearing the end of the train, his breathing ragged with nerves, when he heard a voice calling his name.

“Regulus!”

He whipped around at lightning speed, and there, stumbling out of the loo, was none other than James Fleamont Potter.

“James.”

His heart soared as relief flooded his system, vast and overwhelming. Blood pumped in his ears and he distantly felt himself walking towards the other boy.

“There’s an empty compartment over here. Come on, I have so much to tell you!”

No-one could have stopped Regulus from following if they tried.

They entered the compartment and sat across from each other, James putting up a silencing ward because “I’m probably going to yell – I’m so excited!”

He was beautiful in the morning sun that streamed through the window, bathing his features in a soft glow. The light glinted off his glasses slightly and made his brown eyes shine even brighter. His hair was messy as ever, sticking up in odd places as if he’d run his fingers through it and oh, how Regulus wanted to do the same.

“You were right! I talked with the people at Tutshill and they agreed to my terms!” James grinned widely as he practically bounced in his seat.

Regulus’s heart beat faster as he watched the boy, joy radiating from every pore of his being. It was an intoxicating feeling – like basking in the Summer sun, warm and bright and carefree.

“I signed on to train with them part-time until I finish school and then if all goes well, I’ll be put straight into the team when I graduate – maybe even halfway through the season because of the timing!”

His hands flew this way and that as he spoke, gesturing with every word. Regulus knew those hands to be warm and rough, enveloping his smaller ones whenever they were joined.

“And it’s all thanks to you! I cannot ever thank you enough, Regulus! I don’t know what I would have done without you!”

He was smiling right at Regulus, his pearly white teeth a beacon of light. His soft-looking lips stretched wide. Regulus couldn’t look away from them. He wondered not for the first time what those lips would feel like against his own. Would they be as soft as they looked? Regulus longed to kiss that gorgeous smile. To pull him near and feel that dazzling grin against his own lips. How would it feel? How would he taste? Regulus was dying to know.

“You’re incredible.” James finished, tilting his head adorably as he regarded Regulus with those warm, warm eyes.

He simply couldn’t hold back anymore.

Without warning, Regulus surged forward and kissed him.