For you, my brightest star

02/07/1979 (12:50 A:M)

POV – JAMES POTTER

James cringes at the lurid colours that emit as the fireplace delivers him, noise so loud in the quite place that all hopes of getting in undetected are lost.

The harsh light which emitted makes his heart race at double the speed. He waits for a second or two with baited breath. On a surreptitious look around the drawing room, no sound could be heard, no motion could be seen. It is absolutely dark out here, that means no one is alerted of his presence. PHEW. He swipes the sweat from his forehead and mentally congratulates himself.

Small victory.

Now he just has to tip toe to his room in the dark and hope that he doesn’t collides with anything. Or merlin forbid, anyone.

He begins his long tedious journey with baby steps.

Left. Then right. Then left. Then right.

Left.

Right.

Left.

Right.

Left.

“Aaaaaaaggghhhhhhhh.” He shrieks in shock at the sudden brightness, being so lost in his journey that the suddenly enlightened room makes his heart leap out of his chest.

He turns around, wanting to know the culprit behind his almost heart attack and looks at the face of his childhood friend, casually swirling her wand as she sits on a couch in a posture that makes her seem royal. “Marls! You scared the shit out of me. Never do that again.” He says while rubbing at his chest.

“What are you doing James?” She asks, her tones accusatory, immediately making him defensive.

“What am I doing?! I am talking to you, Woman!” He replies in a carefree way.

She raises an eyebrow, which James is sure she has learned from Sirius to make it look so sophisticated and scarry, “It’s late James, get straight to the point. You know what I mean.”

James laughs a bit, nervous, because, yes, he knows what she is asking about. But. But he doesn’t want to talk about it. He has been entering his own home like a thief for a reason. Not for Marls to make him talk it out.

Deflection it is then.

“Why are you calling me James? You used to call me Jamie.” This is the best James could come up.

She gives him a bland look. “You are avoiding my question. Just like you are avoiding Peter since last week. Just like you have somehow managed to not talk with Sirius on this matter despite living together and working at the same place. Just like you always find something important to do whenever I visit you.”

James wets his lips, not able to look her in the eyes. Her words no longer accusatory now. Just sympathetic and understanding.

She stands up and approaches him slowly as if he is an injured animal who will attack at the first sign of danger.

Carefully taking his hand in hers, she pats at it and pulls him towards the couch.

All of a sudden, all the fight leaves him. Just the feeling of exhaustion remains. A bone deep need for every problem to just vanish so that he can finally rest.

“Talk to me, James.” She insists once they sit.

He puts his head on her shoulder, her blond tassels tickling at his neck. He doesn’t want to, so he asks something that is troubling him recently. Something personal, something that has nothing to do with this stupid war. “Why do you keep calling me that?”

He hears her sigh, “You hate it when anyone other than your mum and dad calls you that.” Is her dutiful reply.

“Not you!” He says quickly in indignation. Though, immediately he can mentally picture her giving him her trademark bland look when anyone is bullshitting in front of her, so he amends, “I mean, yes there was a phase where I used to think that the childhood nickname should be left behind. Right where it belongs. But. But I like it when you call me Jamie.”

Marlene dislodges his head from her shoulder, shifts away a bit and he wasn’t ready for her to literally hit him on his shoulder, “James Potter. You must have forgotten that day in my 6^th year, your 5^th, when you literally stormed out, after shouting at me in front of a fully packed great hall might I add, to, and I quote, ‘Never call me that ever again, Mackinnon!!!’ I understood the message loud, literally, and clear.”

James cringes at the memory of his teen self being super obnoxious.

He pulls at her arm, which she initially resists but he manages to pull her in a side hug and this time he tucks her head on his shoulder, which, to his pleasant surprise, fits perfectly somehow, making his stomach feel funny.

He says in an overly sweet tone, “Marlene. My sweet childhood friend. Please forgive me. I solemnly swear to never do that ever again. And you have my express permission to call me Jamie.”

James feels her stiffen for reason he could not decipher because he didn’t say anything hurtful again. Did he?

Nevertheless, she replies, her voice oddly clogged, “I will think about it.” Which means she will not call him Jamie ever again. This much he knows about her.

He can’t have her do that. He loves when she calls him by a name which was his primary identity till the age of eleven. Makes him grounded by the knowledge that he still has that kid version of himself inside him.

Every golden memory of one of the best phases of life is refreshed in his mind when she calls him Jamie. Just now he is realising how much he missed hearing that name in her voice.

So, he has to try, make her understand. “Marls” he says with a pleading look in her eyes. “I was in a bad mood that day. I just took it out on you, you forgave me the next day when I apologised.” He says a bit accusatorily. All of a sudden reminded about how Remus didn’t forgive a repenting Padfoot. Only gave forgiveness when he got something in return.

Is this how people work? Say that they forgive you and then make use of you like Remus did or keep reminding you of your idiotic past self like Marlene is doing.

“And I did.” She replies sweetly, “But that doesn’t mean that I forgot. I learned my lesson to never call you that.”

He groans in frustration because, for some inexplicable reason, he wants her to really understand. Full story it is then.

“You know how it was in my OWLs year. Lily hated the ground I walked on and I wanted her to just go out with me. When I asked her out that day by making a group of first years sing a chorus of Celestina Warbeck’s- You are the bubblehead in a world full of liquid. Which I reckon was a dick move because I also transfigured their hair red and their eyes the same shade of green as hers.”

Here she makes a face of disgust and mutters, “Creepy.”

But he continues, “Anyways, unsurprisingly she rejected me as usual. But then has to go and say, ‘I am not like other girls, JAMIE. I won’t fawn over this senseless display.’ She had just mocked me using that name and then when you asked me to pass the dish at the dinner later, calling me Jamie? I just lost it!”

The next day when James apologized, he had not gone in details to explain to Marls why he was so shitty towards her. He simply gave a half-hearted apology, still sulking over Lily yet again not giving him time of the day.

Marlene huffs and resignedly says, “It’s always about her, isn’t it?”

Her words rankle something within him. Something he can’t understand. But he has no reply to make her mood better. Because even though it is not true- It has not always been about Lily. Not anymore at least, he just doesn't get the impression that Marlene is in a mood to talk about Lily of all people.

It is useless to talk about his non-existent relationship with Lily. He doesn’t understand what is the deal with Marlene and Lily. Neither of them liked the other and James could see that they just barely tolerated each other for his sake.

Once again, topic change it is then. A look around the room, his eyes catch the round wooden clock, showing it is almost 1 in the morning. “What are you doing here, Marls?” His own words slurring from lack of strength in his body. A sudden heaviness which he can’t express.

The atmosphere sombre around them.

“Waiting for you.” She said in the same resigned tone, “Wanting to talk to you.” Her volume increases with the second sentence she says as her face morphs into a look full of anguish. “To tell you to take your head out of your arse and stop running from everyone. This is not you James! You don’t run away from problems. You face them. Head on. You make your friends see reason when they are behaving stupid.”

Her heavy breaths the only sound in the otherwise silent room.  

He clenches his jaw, feeling cornered. This is an ambush after all. He is unable to keep running with how smartly Marlene has cornered him to make him talk.

But besides that, he too wants it. To let it out. Tell share with someone. It has been eating him alive since the day Peter was attacked. Amplified further in the meeting with aunt Dorea and uncle Charlus. In a voice so small, barely above a whisper, he confesses to her and to himself too, “I am scared, Marls.”

Her eyes wells up at this, which is strange because Marlene is one of the strongest persons he has ever known. “Ohhh Jamie!” She wraps her thin arms around his neck and engulfs him in a warm embrace he didn’t even knew he needed.

They sit like that. Holding each other for few peaceful moments. She didn’t comment if she noticed few tears that she must have felt on her back.

“Are you regretting it? Joining the Order?” She whispers, her lips touching his neck where she has tucked her head, sending a shiver down his spine.

James feels his lips wobble as he thinks about it, grateful that Marlene can’t see his face, most probably looking like a kid trying to play adult.

The answer to her question is not difficult, he knows deep in his bones, “Pete thinks that I joined because Dumbledore whispered in Remus’s ears and managed to convince him to join. That I joined because Remus did. And because Lily too wanted to fight. But the truth is that I too wanted to join, Marls.” His voice scratchy, seemingly vibrating in the entire room as he confessed.

She huffed, “Not only Peter. For some inexplicable reason, you wanted everyone of us to believe that you were doing it for those two.” She pulls back and looks him in the eye, genuine confusion swirling in her beautiful black orbs.

He rakes his fingers through his hair as he replies with a sigh, “I just,,, I didn’t want to appear too excited to Join, you know. Peter was scared shitless that day when Moo…” on remembering about the betrayal he has learned about recently, he amends, “Remus declared his decision. Sirius was already sceptical, he too wanted to fight but he knew better than me how cruel those people can be….” Here his voice gives away, at the indirect acceptance at the naivety of his past self, thinking of himself as some knight of justice and equality. “Later when I asked him what he thought about it, Sirius, he said that he felt joining the auror force was enough for the two of us, especially since mum and dad would never agree.”

He rubs his hands at his face tiredly, “I just wanted to do more. I mean we all saw how muggleborns were treated in the school. A place where we all go to study. To learn magic! If that place is not safe for them than what is?”

Rubbing the sleeves of his robes at his nose to swipe it off. He looks Marlene in the eye, “And I don’t regret it, till this day, I don’t. I won’t live a life hiding behind the safety of my blood status when I know that people out there will suffer if people like me didn’t fight.”

She looks at him with so much love and suddenly his mind wanders to a memory similar to this one. When the green-eyed girl, he has crsuhed on for an embarrassingly long period, had looked at him with something similar in their seventh year.

No!

‘Marlene is his friend. She doesn’t love him like that.’

Why did his brains have to go and compare? Marlene just loves him like a friend loves another friend.

Like James Loves Marlene. Right?

Right.

He clarifies because he is not the epitome of goodness, she thinks he is, “Don’t look so proud of me Marls. Because the crazy thing is I knew. I knew that Peter will join if I do. I knew Sirius and You won’t let me do it alone. It is not Remus and Lily who condemned us to this life of fear and paranoia. It’s me.”

She snorts and replies sarcastically, “oh really?” On his look of confusion, she elaborates with a wry smile, “Sirius and I talked about it, you know. Before we joined. He told me that he thinks you want to join because you feel that the law enforcement is lacking. And I thought it was to impress Lily.”

James opens his mouth to say that Lily had nothing to do with his decision, she continues not letting him interject, “The point is- we knew that it was not just one thing, the reason behind your joining the Order. It was your incessant need to remove all people evil. It was because your girlfriend’s,” James can clearly hear the disdain in her voice when she says the word, “righteous behaviour made her on the top of so many baby death eaters’ hit list that it rivals Dumbledore’s list of enemies. It was because you wanted to protect Lupin cause according to you the man can’t even pee without you and Black helping him hold his penis.”

“Marlene!” he says scandalized at her crude words, which he is used to but he doesn’t want to hear it in reference to Remus, especially after learning everything that stupid Remus’s stupid dick has led to between the four of them. 

Marlene laughs at his appalled expression. Her twinkling laughter making his heart lift too.

She looks at him soberly, “We knew James. Me. Dorcas. Sirius. Hell, even Peter. We know you! We all saw you fighting all Slytherins who were harassing muggleborns. How can we not know that you will jump headfirst into this? Peter just has a poor habit of faulting all things going wrong in his life on people he finds difficult and that includes Lupin and Her.”

They sit in silence.

James feels a weight lifted from his shoulder, “That day Peter said that he joined because he felt he had to and I just couldn’t even look him in the eye. If only I had a little bit of self-preservation, we all won’t have this primary feeling of dread and horror at every waking moment.” He confesses.

“That’s why you were avoiding him.” She discerns. “James, talk to him. He is spending all the time at our place, you know.”

This is new to him, “What do you mean?”

She sighs heavily, “After that threat, he is really in a strange place. And the talk with your relatives didn’t help, you see. It all shook him to his core. He wanted to talk to you and Sirius but for some reason, you two buffoons are avoiding him. Now he has stopped trying altogether and has taken permanent residence in Casey’s room.”

James winced, “Sirius too? I thought it was only me who was running from this conversation.”

She snorts, “Right. I too thought that between the two of you, he seems less likely to come up with stupid ideas like avoiding their friends or shouting at them,” Here James isn’t fast enough in his reaction because at one side he wants to be offended at her calling him an idiot but on the other hand he wants to ask her, is she still really upset at him shouting her in his 5^th year. Literally years have passed now!

She scrunches her nose, the expression she has when she is telling something she is not supposed to, “I asked him why he is avoiding the poor guy.”

“What did he say?” James asks, intrigued, is Sirius avoiding Peter for the same reason James is?

She scoots closer and replies in a hushed tone, “Apparently, your cousin, this Harry guy, he said something about the Rat thing.” James nods on remembering. “What did he say exactly? Neither Casey nor Sirius got into the details.”

That is one of the major thing James can’t get out of him mind from that day’s conversion, “He was warning Wormtail to not listen to those slimy death eaters. Advising him better to run away if he is really scared of the threat. And after that he said a very strange thing, he said- ‘Rats do know when it is time to leave a sinking ship after all, eh Wormtail?’”

Marlene’s eyes bulge, “He knows.”

“That’s the thing, Marls” James agrees, finally allowing himself to let his agonised thoughts out, “But no one should know. And the even more fishy thing is- how could he know? He didn’t even go to the school with us!”

Marlene brings her hand up to chew on her nails as she contemplates and then shakes her head and says a bit hesitantly, “Well as on outsider to this event, I got to see strange reaction from everybody. You are suspicious and defensive. Dorcas is so scattered and distracted, as if lost in her own head. Peter is always pale and shaken, has stopped leaving our house altogether, always locked in Dorcas’s room, his boss sending howlers to him to get back at work but he doesn’t even reply.”

James has not known that Peter is not going to his work. Well, that is a pragmatic temporary solution as he is targeted directly by the opposite side. But James feels like an asshole for pulling away at the worst possible moment.

When he has learned about Remus’s fury little problem, instead of being disgusted or terrified like Remus has feared, James has made light of the situation and readily accepted the lycanthrope. Gone as far to come up with a solution to make his life easier.

When Sirius expressed his problems back at home and how caged he feels, James offered his own home after discussing the matter with his parents.

But with Peter, James has failed. Peter, who never asks something big from him or from anyone, for that matter. All their friends know how uncomfortable Peter is when it comes to share his private life and his troubles. How undeserving, he has told James personally, he feels to ask for any favour. As if there is any favour between friends!

James truly has been the worst friend to Peter.

But he thought that Sirius must be there for Pete. Sirius seems to want to talk to James too. So, James assumed that he was alone in running away from this issue. Sirius was on the same train of thought as him?

“But Padfoot wanted to talk to me? Why is he avoiding Peter then?”

Marlene throws her hands up in the air, “That is the strangest reaction I got. I mean I too saw that Sirius was only avoiding Pete, not everyone of us like you. So, I confronted him. Like the Black he is, he deliberated, not wanting to open up. But when I pressed, he revealed that he believes Peter would have caved in and agreed to become the spy for You Know Who, in his misguided attempt to help save us all. Like he really thinks that Peter would have broken under the pressure and he doesn’t know how to talk to him after this realisation.”

James sits there, taken aback. His mind clouded with so much of that conversation, he didn’t even think about what would have happened if Harry didn’t rescue Peter. Would Peter have shared this event with them? Because the Peter he knows, that Peter lets everyone thinks that his life is going on pretty well even if it is not. That is the kind of person Peter is. One who never shares. Never asks for help.

In that case Padfoot’s deduction that Peter would have gone for it, thinking that he is saving them all when in reality he would have been condemning them all to a very painful death, is right.

But unlike Sirius, James wouldn’t blame it on Peter even then. The situation that Peter is struck in, there is no easy way out.

He is the chosen one. Death eaters won’t stop coming after him after one failed attempt if they have zeroed in on Peter as the perfect candidate for spying business. James himself doesn’t know what he would do if he were in Pete’s shoe.

That is why he stopped meeting eyes of his shortest friend, stopped talking.

Because, until now, he used to have solution for every problem. But this time he is coming face to face to his own limitations and this is a scary realisation.

Funny how Sirius and him both are the biggest reflection of their respective animagus form. Sirius, the loyal dog, closes up even at the barest idea of betrayal, so he is running away from the inkling that Peter could have betrayed them.

Meanwhile Prongs who signifies the role of a provider, who relishes in offering love and protection to his loved ones, absolutely hates facing a situation where he himself has no answer whereas the questions are insurmountable.

“You usually discuss all this with Sirius.” Marlene comments, taking him out of his thoughts.

James groans, “This time I feel I can’t talk to him.”

“Why?” She asks.

He merely shakes his head, not wanting to say that he feels like he has failed Sirius too. He had been so oblivious to Remus taking advantage of Sirius.

As if she could hear his thoughts, she smiles the first genuine smile of the night, “He doesn’t blame anything on you, you know. You two always come up with some solution. Talk to him.”

It sounds silly but it was as if he was waiting for someone to push him. To tell him that it is okay to not always be on top of every trouble.

He engulfs her in a hug, grateful for having her in his life, “I don’t even know what I would do without you.”

“Keep wallowing in your despair.” She states and pats at his back a few times, then pushes him away and stands up. “My work is done here.” Making a show of cleaning non-existent dirt on her robes, she begins to head over the fireplace.

He calls, “Marls!” she turns around, “Really, I mean it. Call me Jamie. I didn’t mean it that day. I was just pissed because of Lily’s mocking words.”

Her lips curl from the corner, a myriad of emotions passing through her face, he can’t understand even a single one, “I can’t, James.” He gets the feeling that he isn’t getting some hidden meaning behind her words. Because why can’t she? Instead of James, she has to call him Jamie. Hell, she just called him by his childhood nickname when he confessed that he was scared. Then why can’t she?

On seeing his confused and bewildered countenance, her expression turns bittersweet, a resigned smile on her lips but sadness in her dark eyes.

“Marlene?” He starts but doesn’t know what to ask. But it is all in vain because she shakes her head, and throws the floo powder after saying the address to her home. Her disappointed dark eyes accusing him.

About what, that he doesn’t knows.

02/07/1979 (05:14 A:M)

Ideally sleep should have come easily after his talk with Marlene. After getting the metaphorical wake up call to stop being so selfish. Having decided before sleep last night to begin cleaning the mess he has taken a part in creating.

But the thing is that even though talking to Marlene helped, her sad, disappointed face kept on appearing in front of his eyes as soon as he attempted to shut them off to sleep.

He may not have Sirius’s level of emotional maturity but this much he knows- that whatever it is that is troubling Marls, it is not just about that stupid incident in his 5^th year. It can’t be because the Marlene he knows and loves, his oldest friend, is not a petty person to bring that up now. It has been more than 3 years.

He sits up with a groan of frustration. And trudges out of his bedroom, straight to his best friend’s. Sirius is smart when it comes to girls, he helped him with Lily. Maybe he could tell what is the matter with Marlene.

Also, he has a long overdue conversation pending with his best friend.

A melancholic feeling rose in his chest as he stood at the door to Sirius’s room.

It seems as life is only about all the undesirable drama now a days. Where did the carefree days go? When his three friends lived and loved.

With a sigh, he turns the knob and enter the room to find Sirius asleep on the bed. Of course. Why would he be awake. He is not the one unable to sleep from guilt and anxiety.

James decides to take a nap in Sirius’s bed like good old times, so that he wouldn’t have to gather the courage once again to approach Sirius.

Sirius is sleeping exactly in the middle of the twin bed, leaving little space on either side.

He missed this. Sharing a bed with his best mate, talking about random things, sharing the goodies his mum used to send, planning their new pranks. But those private moments happened less and less as they grew. Stopping altogether when James saw the shack incidence as a betrayal to Marauders as a whole.

James gently pushes on Sirius’s shoulder to make him scoot a bit. He feels Sirius stiffen under his palm. There is a second of silence which feels as if the world is holding its breath before Sirius says something that makes him take his hand back is if burned and take a step back in absolute revulsion.

James is sure he will remember the exact words coming out of Sirius’s mouth for the rest of his life, his voice scratchy from sleep, words slurring, still clear and deafening, as far as James is concerned. “Remussss, I’m nott in the mooodd fo sex rigt noww.” He groans and stretches his legs, making himself more comfortable in his half sleep state.

James just stands there like a statue, not knowing what to do.

One part of his mind shouts at him to take the chance and run back to his room. Avoid all the difficult talks altogether. But then Marlene’s words reverberate in his mind – ‘This is not you James! You don’t run away from problems. You face them. Head on.’

So, he fists his hand and decide that enough is enough. Just as Sirius too turns around, most probably he must have been waiting to hear the reply from a non-existent Remus.

James could tell the exact moment Sirius came to the realisation that it is James and not Remus. His bleary eyes he stares for a second, blinking his eyes as if to make sure he is really seeing Jame rather than him. “Prongs?”

James is done with all this bullshit. It is been two weeks since James learned about all this. Two weeks since things have been a mess.

Two weeks since James began avoiding his troubles. First with Padfoot. Then with Wormtail.

“You told me it’s over!!!” James accuses. His voice too loud for the early morning. But who cares? Pete is at Dorcas and Marlene’s place. Remus must be at Lily and Mary’s.

This times Sirius properly sits over. His mouth forming an angry frown at his sleep getting disturbed. He rubs at his face, pulls his neck length hair out of his face and whines in frustration. “What the fuck prongs.”

“Answer me, Sirius.” James grits, his teeth almost aching from how hard he clenches his jaw in anger.

He hates this. This anger. Because the last time he was this angry at Sirius, it was at the time of the shack incident. And now he doesn’t even know if he can be angry at Sirius because if he did then losers like Lupin will come and take advantage of the trifle between him and Sirius. Because it is the only time when low lifes get to shine, by supressing other more powerful and better people.

James immediately feels guilty for thinking about Remus like this. He never had such uncharitable thoughts for any person in his life, let alone someone who he was super close friends with just a few days back.

James won’t say he is a saint. He did think like this but only about people like snivellus who despite coming from muggle background think it is right to call others with vile names and harass them to make themselves feel strong and impress his friends in the house of snakes. But Remus? Is Remus like Snape then? Appearing to be a good person to fit himself with the marauders and then hurting Sirius?

Sirius, now fully awake, observes him and whatever expression is playing James’s face is making Sirius’s eyebrows rise in genuine concern. Sleep all but forgotten.

Sirius rises on his knees on the bed, his face levelling with James’s, he edges towards the bed and puts his hands on James’s shoulders. “James.” He says softly, almost pleading.

But James is agitated beyond reason and his skin feels like crawling with tiny red ants. He pushes Sirius’s hands away, feeling guilty on seeing a genuinely hurt expression on Padfoot’s face.

“I thought it was over.” James re-iterates slowly.

James is angry at Remus. But he is infuriated at Sirius even more for allowing this to happen to begin with. Sirius is not stupid my any means. So, how could he ever be naïve enough to let a self pitying git like Remus have power over him?

Once again, he feels repulsed at himself for having not so charitable thoughts about Remus. But well, Remus should know that for James, this amounts to the biggest betrayal a friend could ever serve him.

He should have known that. Having the front seat to James and Sirius’s bromance. He knew that Sirius is not only his closest friend but an extension of James himself. Even an outsider could tell that with how in congruence the two of them are, you can’t tell where Sirius ends and where James begins.

Will James ever get a reply which will sooth his frayed nerves. Will this betrayal keep on spreading within James, making him hate Remus until the end of the time.

With how fast everything has been going on, James realises, just now, that a part of his heart is tard forever. Remus has hurt him in a way that James will never be able to recover from.

His heart aches. He presses his lips together but tears fall freely from his eyes. Leaking out as if a dam is broken. His body shaking so badly he feels lightheaded from it.

Sirius sighs, and says something, hands raised up in a surrender motion. His words reaching James’s ears in slow motion which would have been comical if James wasn’t having difficulty breathing. “James, ..u nee…. .ake a d..ep brea...”

Unable to understand what Sirius is saying, he blinks, his chest expanding uselessly as no air draws in. He takes hold of Sirius’s hand in panic. Not understanding what is wrong with him, everything was fine a few minutes ago.

Sirius takes James’s hands and places it at his own heart, James sees with blurry eyes, Sirius taking a huge breath and releasing it slowly. James’s hand on Sirius’s heart moving up and down with the movement of his chest.

Grey eyes full of concern, Sirius urges him to breath. James takes inhales laboriously. Each breath taking so much energy out of him.

When James’s breathing gets a bit under control, Sirius pulls him in a hug, rubs on his back and tells him that ‘it is okay’, ‘everything is okay’ ‘I am here Prongs.’ And ‘you are okay’. ‘Just keep breathing for me, alright?’. He keeps on repeating these wording in a soothing tone. Over and over again.

When James returns to himself, he realises that his face is wet from tears. He isn’t sad, then why is he crying?

“You told me it is over.” James whispers, broken. His breath stuttering from the effort.

Sirius tightens his hug, almost painful but James appreciates it all the same. Sirius’s strong arms the only thing holding James from breaking apart.

His best mate sighs, “I don’t even know what happened but assuming you are talking about my thing with Remus. Yes, it is over.” Sirius replies softly.

A sob breaks out of James’s mouth, he would have felt embarrassed if it were anyone else seeing him in such a pathetic state, but with Sirius he feels safe.  

Once he controls his hysterical tears, he explains, “You stiffened when I tried to push you. You thought I was him. Said something about not wanting to have sex right now.” Shuddering in disgust. Did Remus force himself on Sirius? Was coercion not enough for that creep? Did he took advantage of Sirius in his sleep too?   

James feels like he needs thousand years to unpack all this. And then a century to deal with Peter’s situation. For it all feels too big and heavy. He is tired. He wants to go to sleep. And never wake up. Or wake up back in his 5^th year when things were not so much messy. He wants a redo.

Sirius begins drawing soothing circle in James’s back when his breathing gets heavy once again.

Tucking James’s face in between his shoulder and neck, pulling him in and making James rest almost on top of him. Sirius waits for James to calm down before whispering, “Prongs. Listen to me very carefully, Okay.” When James nods, Sirius continues, “I was having some weird dream. It was about Hogwarts. And then you shook me. And in my half-asleep state, I was back in school. So, whatever I said, it was not true. In my mind, I was 17. And I thought that I was still in between the arrangement. Okay?”

Sirius words are quite and gentle. But despite knowing in his heart that Sirius is telling nothing but truth, his mind still feels conflicted. 

His words are choked when he confesses, “I don’t even know if I can trust you.” 

Sirius hold on him loosens at hearing James’s drained yet unkind declaration.

And that is the saddest part of this all. Because this is not only about Remus’s betrayal. Sirius’s silence and hiding is even more hurtful to James. Did he think so low of James that he didn’t share this with James.

How could James ever trust Sirius on anything important? And if James can’t trust Sirius, then what is even the meaning of life?

Hot tears fall down from his eyes, straining on Sirius’s shoulders, a wet spot forming on the other man’s beige sleep robes.

Sirius takes a teary chuckle, James would have been offended at this had he not known Sirius so intrinsically, having witnesses Sirius resorting to laugh in situations when he feels overwhelmed and lost. It is an odd response to stress and pressure. But James understands that being a little bit odd comes with being a Black.

Just like Sirius knows that James feels tired and drowsy after crying. As he shifts them, placing James on the mattress, still hugging him close.

Sirius opens his mouth, most probably to make things better between them but James shakes his head. His lips wobbly as he requests, “I don’t want to talk anymore.”

Sirius resignedly gives an understanding nod. “I promise it was not as bad as it looks.” Sirius still says lastly, even adds, “I promise, Prongs.”

James gives him a small unbelieving smile. He knows this version of Sirius. The one who supresses his own suffering. Plays it down.

“What?” Sirius asks defensively, when James just shakes his head and just shoves his head on Sirius’s shoulder, Sirius says arrogantly “I am a Black, James. People can only hurt me if I had given them the power to do so.”

James can’t help but smile fondly, even though Sirius can’t see him. This is the Sirius he knows and loves.

But for the first time ever James hates the arrogance he always admired in his friend. Because this arrogance has been his downfall. Just because he knew Remus’s game, doesn’t mean that he has been hurt any less.

“Why did you?” James asks, genuinely interested, “Why did you give him that kind of power over you?”

He wants to know. Didn’t Sirius believe in James. Did he thought that James would keep on siding with Remus?

To be quite honset, by March, James had been at the end of his ropes with how much big drama queen Remus was being, that he was ready to tell the lycanthrope to get over it. If only he had taken things in his hands, all this would not have happened.

All in all, in hindsight, James thinks it was stupid of him altogether to be angry at Sirius. Remus was right too. But James knew that even if given a chance to redo it, Sirius would have done everything exactly the same. Hothead that he is. Snape has that power over both of them. Taking the worst out of Sirius and James himself.

It wasn’t as if Sirius actually wanted Snape to die or Remus to be a murderer. Sirius at 16 was vindictive and callous not heartless.

But for Snape and Remus to see the worst of Sirius is understandable. Snape because he was shaken beyond belief from the event. Most probably scarred for a lifetime. Remus’s anger was also reasonable, he would have suffered the most after Snape, if things took any wrong turn.

But why did James choose to be angry at Sirius?

Why couldn’t he have stayed neutral like Peter had?

Why did he have to take Remus’s side? He is supposed to side with Sirius. Their relationship was never based on just praising the other for their good traits, no, Sirius and James cherished each other’s’ dark sides too. Then why did James think it right to side with Remus?   

Sirius would have chosen James over Remus, if the positions were reversed. No question asked.

James failed then, in reciprocating Sirius’s undying devotion to him.

“Because,” Sirius stretches the word, taking James out of his spiral, “it wasn’t as much about Moony as it was about you, Prongs. Things were falling apart. Effie and Monty fell sick, I cut ties with my family. Everything was changing. And our friendship, the four of us together was the only thing I could bring back. Not just for you. But me too. I lost everything when I chose to run away. I just. …” his voice breaks hear, James pulls his head up, finding misty grey eyes looking at him with weird concoction of emotions, “I just wanted this one good thing to not change.”

James searches the beautiful grey orbs, looking for a lie or deceit. But finds none. Sirius is laying his side of things to James. Going as far as hinting for the first time ever at the real struggle he faced at taking himself away from his family.

For Sirius has successfully projected that things have been jaunty and ebullient after leaving Grimmauld Place. 

He places a soft kiss on his friend’s forehead, silently conveying that he gets it. Even though he doesn’t. Not fully. Because he doesn’t know. How much difficult it could be for a 16-year-old boy to leave behind the only life he knew until then. To make a new life from the very beginning. How much their friendship was important for Sirius in those times.

James can never know. Nor can Remus. Being the two member of their group who have the most wonderful set of parents. Peter could, maybe. To some degree, having an asshole of a father, he had that advantage to understand Sirius’s view.

That is why, maybe, he was the only one who remained kind to Sirius in the aftermath of that incident.

James will forever be indebted to Peter for being by Sirius’s side when even James ditched him.

In bizarre turn of events, Peter has earned James’s utmost respect and trust after the recent discoveries. 

Deciding that he is done avoiding Peter and doubling both of their sufferings. He has still got time to ponder over ways to pull Peter out of this swamp of a situation.

He owes that much and more to Peter; he thinks, as he settles back comfortably in his friend’s warm embrace and finally falls asleep.