“You have 1 new voicemail(s) from reggie.”
The line rings. Once, twice, three times…
“Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice message system. Please leave a message after the ‘beep’.”
Sirius sighs and tries to hide his disappointment as he records his message.
“Hey, Reggie, it’s me. I’m sorry, I… I wasn’t home when you called earlier. I’ve been really busy lately and I’ve been running around like crazy, I… Sorry, that’s not an excuse. Just… Call me back whenever you can, okay? Or if… if you just want to come over, that’s good too. You always know where to find me. Whatever. Anything. Just… talk to me. I lo–” He hesitates, and then settles for, “I miss you.”
Sirius turns his phone off and drops face-first onto his bed, muffling a groan into his pillow. He lies there for a few minutes, contemplating his options before pulling his phone back out and calling James. The latter picks up on the first ring.
“Hey, love. Everything okay?” he asks immediately, his voice laced with concern.
Sirius snorts. “Why, can’t I call my best friend without anything being wrong?”
“Yeah, on FaceTime. Not like this. So, what’s wrong?”
Sirius sighs. No point lying to James. “It’s Regulus. I don’t… I don’t have a fucking clue what I’m doing, James, honestly. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but I know I must be doing something wrong, because the more I try to hold on, the more he slips away. I don’t know how to fix this, James, and that terrifies me. I know that I’m losing him, I see it happening, and I can’t stop it, and that’s– it’s– I don’t want to lose him, James, fuck, I really, really, don’t want to lose him. I love him, I love him so fucking much, he’s everything to me. I don’t want to lose him.”
By the time he gets to the last sentence, Sirius is doing his very best to hold himself together, but he knows he is so, so close to breaking down.
James’ voice snaps him back to reality. “Hey, hey, hey. Sirius, listen to me. Listen to me. You’re doing your best. You’re trying so hard and that is enough, okay? It’s enough. I know you feel powerless right now, and I know you desperately wish you could fix it, but you know what? There is absolutely no rush, love. You are brothers, in so much more than just blood, and you’ll find your way back to each other. You always do. All you can do is keep trying, yeah? You have all the time in the world.”
James is honestly the most amazing person, and Sirius is so, so grateful for his best friend, because he has needed to hear those words for so long, and he just– breaks. He curls into a ball and he sobs so hard that his whole body shakes and his throat is raw, and it hurts, but if feels so good. His tears are salty on his tongue. They taste like freedom.
James stays on the line the whole time, just letting Sirius feel what he needs to feel. Oh, Sirius loves him so much. He doesn’t know where he would be without him.
After a while, James speaks up again. “Mary’s here, love, I have to go. You’ll be alright?”
“Yeah.” Sirius manages a small smile. “Yeah, I’ll be alright.”
“Good. Now, get some sleep, okay? It’s been a long day.”
“I will. ‘Night, James. I love you.”
“Goodnight, Sirius. I love you too.”
The call ends and Sirius tosses his phone onto his desk. He rolls over and curls up in his duvet, willing himself to fall asleep.
Sirius is rudely awoken by his painfully loud ringtone, and he grumbles under his breath as he blindly reaches for his phone.
He finally gets his hand on it and swipes the call button. Unknown number.
“Hello,” he mutters warily. “Who is this?”
“You are Mr. Sirius Black, is that correct?” A woman’s voice.
He sits up, immediately on high alert. Every bone in his body is saying, “Something’s wrong”.
“Uh, yeah that’s me, what’s going on?
“Mr. Black, this is St Thomas’ General Hospital, a certain Regulus Arcturus Black was brought in, and your number is listed on his file as the emergency contact, can you tell me what the nature of your relationship to the patient is?”
Sirius’ heart stops. All his instincts scream at him to find his brother and hold him, protect him, fix this, fix this, fix this.
“Patient– I–What– What happened to him, why’s he at the hospital, I need to– I need to see him–”
“Mr. Black,” the woman interrupts calmly. “I understand that this is an upsetting situation for you, but I’m afraid I cannot disclose any more information before you tell me your relation to the patient.”
“I’m his brother,” he chokes out frantically. “I’m his older brother.”
“Does he have any other family members in the picture? Parents, a spouse, a child?” she asks, still infuriatingly calm.
“No, no one else, just me. What happened to him? Please, he’s all I have, I have to see him, you have to let me see him–”
“Sir– Sir, I’m sorry, but that’s not going to be possible.”
Sirius’ heart drops further. Wrong, Wrong, Wrong. Something is awfully, terribly, irrevocably wrong.
“What– What do you mean? Why can’t I see him?”
“I’m so sorry, Mr. Black, I’m afraid your brother is no longer with us.”
No.
No. No, no, no, no.
Sirius feels the air leave his lungs and his brain is filled with a steady chant of, no, no, no, no, no, no. He refuses to process the meaning of what he’s just been told, he refuses-
“What do you mean, ‘no longer with us’, is he– Do you mean he’s–”
“He is dead, Mr. Black. I’m sorry. Suicide, according to the paramedics who brought in the body. I’m sure…”
Sirius doesn’t pick up what she says next.
Dead.
He can’t hear, can’t think over the ringing in his ears.
Dead.
The word echoes in his head over and over again, and he drops his phone as his world crumbles.
Dead.
It feels like the very fabric of reality is unraveling around him, because Regulus is dead, his little brother is dead, and he doesn’t know how life is supposed to go on when the very breath in his lungs, the very blood in his veins has been taken from him.
Dead.
“You’ll find your way back to each other. You always do.”
Dead.
“You have all the time in the world.”
Dead.
“Mr. Black?” The woman’s voice comes through again, startling Sirius back to reality. “Are you still there?”
“I’m here,” he manages, but he’s not, not really. “I’m listening.” Another lie. “Sorry, what were you saying?” He doesn’t care.
“Right, well, as soon as you’re ready, you are going to have to come down to the hospital so you can have a word with the police, sort out all the legal aspects, and take the body home. Again, we are very sorry for your loss. Take care, Mr. Black.”
The line goes dead. Somewhere deep inside, Sirius’ heart does too.
He doesn’t move for a long time. He doesn’t cry either. He just stares blankly at the wall, refusing to think, refusing to feel, refusing, refusing, refusing. It occurs to him, dimly, that he is probably in shock. He doesn’t care enough to do anything about it, though, so he just continues to stare at the wall.
At some point, the doorbell rings. Sirius tries to ignore it, but it just keeps ringing. The sound hurts his brain, and he really wants whoever’s doing that to stop. He resigns himself to standing up and making his way downstairs, going through the motions instinctively, mechanically.
As soon as he opens the door, James grabs his face and examines it like a bowling ball, as if making sure he’s still in one piece.
“Oh my god, Sirius, Mary left, and I just had a feeling, so I wanted to check on you but you didn’t answer any of my calls or texts, and I was so worried, I– Sirius?” He pauses for a second, probably realizing that Sirius hasn’t moved or reacted at all.
His face falls and he frowns sadly. “You’re not… really here, right now, are you?”
“I’m right here, James,” Sirius responds, cocking his head to the side in confusion.
James’ frown deepens, and Sirius doesn’t like that. Even through the blankness in his brain, the expression on James’ face looks wrong.
“You look sad. Don’t be sad. I don’t like when you’re sad.”
James forces a smile and shakes his head. “No, no, I’m not sad. I’m just going to come inside and sit with you, is that okay?”
Sirius doesn’t say anything, but he steps to the side, allowing James to enter. He goes and settles down on the couch without waiting to see if his best friend follows.
He does, though, of course he does. James sits down next to Sirius, but he leaves a few inches in between them. Sirius doesn’t like that either. He scoots over until his arm is pressed against James’. The latter seems to take the hint and easily pulls Sirius in without saying a word.
They sit in silence for a long time. Finally, finally, Sirius comes back to himself. He blinks, and reality suddenly hits him so hard that he physically recoils. James’ arms are around him in a second.
“You’re safe, I’ve got you. I’m here. I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”
And Sirius– well, he just falls apart. He buries his face in James’ chest and grabs onto his shirt, holding on so tightly that his knuckles are white and his nails are digging into his palms. He cries so hard it’s closer to screaming. He screams as if his heart is being ripped right out of his chest, because, really it already has been, and it hurts, it hurts, god, it hurts so bad. Sobs rack through his whole body and he can’t breathe, he feels like he’s choking on this pain, this grief, and it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. He wishes it would just stop, he wishes he was dead, he wishes it could have been him instead. He cries for all the time they wasted and all the time they lost and all the time they’ll never get back.
James is obviously very alarmed, but he does his best to comfort Sirius, and, though, he is definitely panicking, he doesn’t ask any questions, which Sirius is extremely grateful for.
James holds him as tightly as he can, as if trying to hold the pieces together as Sirius breaks in his arms. He runs a gentle hand through his hair and whispers comforting things that Sirius doesn’t believe but appreciates anyway.
Eventually, Sirius realizes that James’ panic is steadily escalating and that he owes him an explanation at least. He knows he has to tell him, but he can’t bring himself to say what he knows to be true, he can’t, because saying it out loud would make it too real, too final. His brain has understood, but his heart is still refusing, refusing, refusing.
“James,” Sirius chokes out. Oh, he can’t say it, he can’t say it, he can’t– “He’s dead.”
He doesn’t have to elaborate, or explain, or specify. James knows. Of course he does. And then James’ whole face morphs and, oh, this hurts more. Sirius wishes he hadn’t said anything at all, he wishes he could have spared his best friend a little longer.
James makes a strangled sound like a wounded animal, and Sirius needs him to stop looking at him like that immediately, because his best friend’s pain hurts so much more than his own ever could.
But James doesn’t say anything, doesn’t react any further. He just reaches out frantically and pulls Sirius in, desperately holding on, squeezing so tightly that Sirius thinks his ribs might bruise, but he doesn’t care, he just falls into it instinctively and grips James just as tight.
They stay locked together like that for a long time, each seeking a comfort that the other doesn’t know how to provide.
James muffles a sob into Sirius’ hair. It sounds like the end of the world.
In the end, Sirius sends Andromeda to retrieve the body. He doesn’t think he can survive seeing his little brother lying cold and lifeless. He would have sent Remus, but only a legal guardian or family member can take the body home.
Sirius loves Andy, because she doesn’t ask questions, and she thinks of everything. She goes as far as planning out all the funeral arrangements and even offers to pay for everything, but Sirius turns her down. She’s done more than enough already.
It's been three days since Regulus’ death, and Sirius is coping by simply not processing it. He goes through the motions of life day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, not knowing how to go on living, and not daring to stop long enough to think.
Sirius hasn’t talked about Regulus’ death yet to anyone except James and Andy. Remus got the news when he came home the day after and found Sirius a drunken mess on the kitchen floor. James took it upon himself to inform Peter and the girls, but no one has brought it up to Sirius so far, which he’s grateful for.
On the fourth day, Sirius finally resigns himself to going down to the hospital and figuring out the paperwork.
When he tells the receptionist he’s here about Regulus Black, she looks at him pitifully. He pretends not to notice, and she seems to get the message since she immediately schools her features into a neutral expression. She then tells him to go to the police station, saying they’re the ones who have the legal documents.
The officer who greets Sirius at the station, Officer 127, looks genuinely sad as he leads him inside. No doubt the man has seen far too many similar cases.
“I’m sorry there isn’t much we can do for you here, kid. Your brother’s death was ruled as suicide, plain as day.”
“How did he do it?” Sirius asks, immediately regretting the question but needing to know anyway.
Officer 127 frowns. “Slit his throat. It was a clean cut, straight through the carotid artery. None of that messy wrist-cutting or strangulation business, so it was quick and painless. He must have been a smart man, your brother.”
Sirius smiles sadly. “Yeah, he was.” He pauses. “Was he alone? When he died?”
The officer fiddles with his mustache as he thinks. “There was a Mr. Crouch with him, if I’m not mistaken. He’s the one who called the ambulance and everything. But it was suicide, I assure you we have no reason to suspect–”
“No, no, I know. It’s good, that Barty was there. He and Regulus were very close. I’m glad my brother had someone with him in his last moments.” I’m so sorry that it wasn’t me.
Sirius doesn’t say the last part out loud, but the officer seems to pick up on it anyway, because his frown deepens, and he places a gentle hand on the other man’s shoulder.
“I’m sorry about your brother, son.”
Sirius swallows as tears well up in his eyes. “Yeah, me too.”
Sirius’ phone chimes. He opens it and clicks on the notification.
andy: did you write your speech yet?
You: wgat
andy: wdym what
andy: your speech for the funeral??
You: I habe to makw a speech?!
andy: are you being fr rn?? He’s your brother ofc you do
You: well yeah but like
You: can’t u jyst do it for me or smt 😭😭
andy: sirius…
You: yeah ikik ill figyre smt oit
Sirius turns off his phone and muffles a groan into his pillow. It’s going to be a long night.
“Regulus was”
“My brother”
“Thank you for coming”
“FUCK THIS SHIT”
In the end, he calls James. Of course he does.
“How the fuck do you write a eulogy?” he grumbles as soon as the line connects. “I’ve been sitting here for, like, an hour and I have no idea where to start or what to say.”
“Well, that’s simple. You’re an author, you literally tell stories for a living. So, tell his.”
The day of the funeral comes way too soon. Sirius has always hated funerals. He remembers burying his father three years ago and his mother shortly after that. They weren’t good people, and they did him so much more harm than good, but it’s never easy to lose a family member. And now, it’s Regulus. Regulus, who was the youngest, who should have outlived them all. Regulus, whose pain Sirius was so oblivious to that he had to take his own life. Regulus, who should have had a whole life ahead of him but died at twenty-two.
But the worst part about funerals is the people. The distant relatives and random acquaintances who offer their condolences to a person they barely know or care about. Sirius feels their pity-filled eyes on the back of his head and hears their “I’m sorry”s so much that the words lose all meaning.
Eventually, he locates his cousins huddled together in a corner. Andy and Cissa are both teary-eyed and red in the face. Even Bella looks subdued.
Sirius momentarily considers ignoring them, but before he gets the chance to make a decision, Andy notices him and waves him over.
She greets him with a soft smile. Narcissa nods in acknowledgement. Bellatrix barely spares him a glance.
The silence is heavy. Sirius awkwardly attempts to make conversation. He has nothing to say to Andromeda, and Bella clearly doesn’t want to talk to him, so he turns to the third sister.
“So…eight months, huh?” He gestures to his cousin’s pregnant belly. “Do you know what you’re going to name him?”
Narcissa appraises him warily before answering. “Draco.”
Sirius smiles. “The dragon constellation. I like it.”
Cissa looks like she wants to make a snarky comment about not having asked for Sirius’ approval, but she doesn’t say anything. The corner of her mouth turns up slightly.
Andy and Bella walk away, leaving the pair alone.
“Regulus should have been the godfather,” Narcissa says quietly after a few minutes, her voice thick with sorrow.
Sirius’ heart breaks. He’s been so caught up in his own grief that he didn’t even realize how many others are hurting too. After all, Regulus was always Narcissa’s favourite cousin.
“I never really liked you, Sirius,” she continues when he doesn’t say anything. “You were loud, and bright, and snarky, and so obnoxiously true to yourself all the time. I suppose I love you, but I never liked you. Perhaps because you represented to me all the courage I never had. Or maybe you reminded me too much of my sister who got out. So, no, I don’t like you, but I liked your brother a great deal, and you were everything to him. He tried so hard to hold onto you. I know you tried too.”
Tears run down Sirius’ face. He didn’t come here expecting Narcissa to give him some kind of deep psychoanalysis. “Where are you going with this?” he croaks.
“I want you to be Draco’s godfather.”
Sirius blinks. “What? But you just said it, you don’t even like me.”
“True, but I don’t have to like you to respect you, and I do respect you. Regulus is gone, and if there is anyone in the world who could ever be worthy of taking his place, I figure it’s you.”
Sirius chokes out a sob. “Can I hug you?”
Narcissa finally cracks a smile, a real one, and she opens her arms for him. Something changes between them in that moment, a connection that comes from the realization that each represents Regulus to the other from here on out.
When Sirius steps onto the stage, he immediately wishes he had just stayed home. There are so many people, most of whom Sirius barely recognizes, and he feels a surge of anger. All these people who were never there for Regulus a day in his life but dare to show up at his funeral to pretend like they always cared.
He clears his throat and moves closer to the microphone.
“Um–” The mic squeals and Sirius cringes. He takes a deep breath and tries again. He ignores every single person assembled in front of him and stares right at the casket instead. He doesn’t care who hears what he has to say. He’s speaking to his brother and his brother only.
“I got your voicemail again, figured you were busy. I knew I had been missing your calls left and right, but I stupidly hoped you would, I don’t know, jump on the phone as soon as you saw my name. That didn’t happen, though, and I just…left a message. As usual. Waiting for you to call me back. Knowing you wouldn’t. And then I… I called James. Told him about how scared I was of losing you. And he told me not to worry, that I was doing my best, and that we would find our way back to each other in the end. After all, we had all the time on Earth, right? Well, a few hours after that, I got a call from the hospital.” He huffs out a bitter laugh before continuing.
“It’s a beautiful night, tonight. I wish you were here to see it. Instead of being here on this stage, I’d be sitting on my porch with you, and we’d laugh about the things we did wrong. And we’d forgive each other for all the tears and the years we missed out on. We would be peaceful, happy. Just watching the autumn leaves as they fall.” Sirius swipes a hand over his eyes, willing himself not to get emotional.
“I can’t imagine the pain that you felt to get here. And all of the blame that you put on yourself that I failed to notice. And I’m sorry I couldn’t make you see it sooner, Regulus, but you are so wonderful. You’re my shining star. And I wouldn’t be who I turned out to be without the brother you were to me. And you changed so many lives, Reggie, not just mine but Cissa’s, Barty’s, Dora’s, James’… The list is endless. You reached out to me in my darkest hour, you’re the reason I’m standing here right now. And for the rest of my life, my biggest regret will be that I wasn’t able to do the same for you.”
Sirius’ voice breaks. He knows he’s veered totally off-script, but he doesn’t care. If he doesn’t say these things now, he might never get a chance to say them again.
“Sorry, I– I don’t want to cry, because it doesn’t help. It won’t bring you back to me any sooner. We always think we’ve got time, but in reality, there’s no time before it’s over. I always thought, you know, we’d fix things in our forties, or whatever. I never imagined for a second that I would be the only one getting old.” Sirius’ vision blurs with tears and he struggles to continue speaking through the ball in his throat.
“I like to think, if… if I had known there were only some hours left before you were gone forever, I would have called you back sooner.” The last word is halfway to a sob, and Sirius figures that’s his cue to wrap up and leave, but–
“And just one last thing,” he chokes out hoarsely, “I love you, Reggie. I love you more than anything– No, more than everything else in the world. I have loved you since the day you were born and I will love you until the day I die, and in the afterlife, if there is one. I’m so sorry I never told you that. I just hope you knew anyway. Goodbye, Reggie. I love you. That’s all.”
You have 1 new voicemail(s) from reggie.
“Hey, Sirius. I’m recording this in a voicemail so you won’t hear it until… after. I hope you do hear it at some point, though, I know you never listen to voicemails. I also know that when you see this you’ll try to call me instead of opening the message, and I know that you’ll leave a message of your own when I don’t pick up. I know you’ll be disappointed but you’ll try to hide it and I know you’ll be desperate but you won’t show it.
I know you’ll remind me you’re there and I know you’ll apologize as if this, all this, what we’ve become is all your fault, but it’s not. It’s just as much my fault as it is yours, and really, it’s neither of our faults, because we both tried so hard, we really did, and that has to count for something in the end, right? We never got to figure it out, and I’m sorry that we never will, but just remember that we never stopped trying.”
But I’m tired, Sirius. I’m so tired. And it’s not your fault. Please don’t blame yourself for not doing more or not noticing sooner, because it’s not your fault. You did everything just right. You’re the best brother anyone could ask for and you’ve done more for me than you could ever know. You raised me, you kept me alive twenty-two years, Sirius, that’s no small feat.
You were the first person who cared for me and believed in me and stood behind me at every turn, perhaps the only person who never stopped caring. Well, there are others, but you… You and I, we were always… We should have ruled the world, but life took us here instead, the universe is cruel like that sometimes. I would love to blame the universe for what’s about to happen now too, but I can’t. I’m choosing to do this, and I’ve made up my mind. I never want to hurt you, but I know I’m hurting you now, and maybe you’ll never stop hurting, and for that I am endlessly sorry.
I don’t need to tell you why I’m doing this, we both know the answer to that. Don’t feel bad, Sirius, because it wasn’t all bad. We had some really great times through the shitty ones, and that’s the important part. And I’m not gone. For you, I’ll always be there. If you ever need me, just look up at the sky. You know where to find me.
And Sirius? I love you. There, I said it. I’m sorry it took so long. I love you, and even though you could never find the words to tell me, I know you love me too in that beautiful and fierce way of yours. Don’t let all that love go to waste, Sirius. Don’t let it die with me. No matter what, you have to keep living. You have to live, you hear me? You have to.
There is so much more that needs to be said, more than I could possibly fit in a lifetime, let alone in this voicemail, but it doesn’t matter. None of it does. I’ve said the most important things, and I just have to hope you somehow know the rest. Goodbye, Sirius. I love you. That’s all.”