James was sitting alone in his favorite cafe, enjoying one of his absolute favorite chocolate croissants. He briefly wonders if he’ll have time to stop at tesco on his way back to his apartment when, as if he’s read his mind,
pads: can you pick up those little gay cheerios on ur way home?
prongsie: what, u don’t want the het ones?
pads: ugh gross
just get them🙄🙄
prongsie: whatever you want princess
He’s interrupted suddenly by a throat clearing at the end of his table.
His eyes find their waist first, which looks oddly familiar, then they move up to their arms and-
And they have a tattoo on their bicep.
It’s the leo constellation.
He lets his eyes wander all the way to his face, which, fuck.
“James,” he says, and god does he sound the same.
It’s only been six months, but still.
James is in silent shock, he knows his eyes are widened in surprise and his mouth is slightly open but he can’t really care enough to change it.
He doesn’t reply, not sure what to say or how and why Regulus is even speaking to him right now.
“Can I, uh, sit?” Regulus’ eyes dart from James to the chair across from him. James nods his head yes, he obviously isn’t going to turn him away.
They’re silent for a bit, probably too long, but James is just staring at him completely shell shocked.
He's wearing a gray tank top, black jeans, and-
And his sun necklace.
James unconsciously touches his own, a star in the exact same style. James remembers the end of last summer, when Regulus had given it to him and shyly showed him his own that matched. This summer though, James had been alone. No boyfriend, no smiles, and no secret kisses. It was just him missing Regulus, until now.
A waitress comes over, delivering a cup of coffee to Regulus, who thanks them and takes a sip of it.
“That’s not your normal order,” James blurts, entirely accidentally.
“No,” Regulus replies, a small smirk on his face as he takes another sip, “It’s yours.”
James chokes on his croissant.
“M-mine?”
“Yeah,” he looks a little shy suddenly, like there’s something a bit more weighted in that statement than he’s willing to acknowledge. Most people wouldn’t notice the change, but James does. He always has, evidently six months hasn’t changed that.
“Why?”
His response is so quiet, James almost misses it.
“Get it when I miss you,”
“You get an iced caramel latte instead of a double shot when you miss me?”
Regulus blushes.
James smiles.
“Yes,” he says more confidently this time, and god has he missed that smile.
“So, I take it you came up to my table because you missed me,” James prompts, lifting his mug to his mouth again.
“Right, that. Well, yeah, I just- I have a few things I need to say,” he looks to James as if he needs permission to continue. He nods, slowly, “Okay, um can we maybe go for a walk or something?”
“Yeah, sure. Let me finish this first though,” he says, gesturing to his mug. Regulus nods and looks firmly down into his own plastic cup.
“How’s life been?” he asks, not looking up.
“It’s been good, really busy though,” Regulus still isnt looking and he doesn’t like it at all. He misses when he would stare and stare, unashamed. He used to observe James for honest to god hours, he’d just sit there and look at him. James didn’t understand it then, though he always appreciated it, if that’s how Regulus shows affection then he’ll simply accept it. But now, he won’t even look at him. It’s almost like before, when he was avoiding his feelings and refused to acknowledge that he liked James. It’s almost like he doesn’t love him anymore.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, Sirius’ new brand deal has been a piece of work honestly. We’ve had to drive all over this damn city at least four times over.”
“Is it the StarFace one?”
“Ugh yes! He insists we drive to every single shop that sells them to look for his face on the displays! It’s getting ridiculous at this point, honestly,” James smiles fondly but rolls his eyes. He adores Sirius to no end, but damn is he dramatic.
“Sounds just like my brother,” Regulus’ smile is very small, but at least it’s there. He’s still not looking at James, though, “How is he then?”
“He’s good. Misses you,” When Regulus broke up with James, he stopped coming around as much. Sirius still goes over to his every week, but Regulus used to practically live at their flat.
“Yeah, miss him too.”
“You can always come over, Reg. You know that,”
“I know, it's just,” He pauses, taking a sip of the latte. James smiles again at the fact that he probably got the latte because it tasted like James. Regulus always said he tasted sweeter after they went out for coffee, but he also always complained that the amount of sugar he was consuming was genuinely not healthy, “It's just kind of weird,”
“It doesn’t-“
“I know it doesn’t have to be. Besides, I plan on fixing it today anyways,”
“Fixing what,” James wonders aloud. What’s there to fix? Sure, they dated and then broke up because Regulus was just a bit too immersed into his songwriting and music to fully hold up a relationship, and that’s okay. There wasn’t really anything to fix, was there? I mean, yes, he did break James’ heart about three times harder than anyone else possibly could’ve and maybe the dull aching loss of Regulus never really went away, but James was fine! He was.
“You’ll see,” he smiled again, finally looking James in the eyes, and oh.
God, maybe they do have a few things to fix.
Maybe James wants him back, like, right now.
***
“The weather’s nice today,” James says as soon as they step outside. It’s been painfully silent since Regulus looked at him, which is honestly just sad.
“The sun’s out,” Regulus says, with slight disdain. James smiles.
He’s never really liked the sun, always complains that it burns his retinas and makes him sneeze, though he does enjoy watching James bathe in it.
“That it is, love. That it is,” James smiles, happily walking towards the market on the corner beside the person he’s missed more than he possibly ever knew. And he knew he missed him a whole fucking lot.
Suddenly, Regulus just stops walking.
James turns to him, “What? What is it?” Regulus' face is clouded with confusion, an indecipherable, far off look in his eyes.
“You called me love.”
“Oh,” James realizes, “Yeah, yeah I did,” Regulus’ eyes instantly find James’ and this time he can read them clearly.
Hope. His eyes are full of hope.
“Did you mean it?”
“Yes.” He doesn’t fully understand what Regulus is asking, but no matter what it is the answer is yes. It felt a lot like a ‘do you still love me?’ though.
And James does. So, so , much.
When he focuses back on Regulus his eyes are wide with realization and, well, maybe also full of love.
James smiles again because Regulus looks glorious right now. He looks happier than he’s seen him in so so long.
“I still love you, Regulus. That never changes.” James confirms, realizing that yes, that is the question he was asking.
Suddenly Regulus is taking long strides forward, taking James’ face in between his hands and-
And he’s kissing him.
They’ve kissed so many times before, but this time it feels like coming home. It feels like being reunited with your childhood stuffed animal who you thought was lost forever, it feels like safety and warmth and it also feels like an i’m sorry.
Regulus is kissing him softly, his mouth firmly closed, and James is accepting. He’s holding Regulus’ waist and pulling him as close as he can possibly get until their bodies are flush and yes, yes this is home.
Then, it’s as if Regulus comes back to reality because suddenly he’s pulling away so fast, as if he’s been burned.
“No, no wait. This wasn’t the plan,” he’s shaking his head and looking around at the city around them, as if he’s just realized where they are.
Oh yeah, they are on the sidewalk, in the city. Right.
“The plan?” James asks, his head still reeling.
“Yes, I was supposed to apologize and explain and then you were supposed to take me back and then we were supposed to kiss. We weren’t supposed to just kiss,” Regulus says, looking genuinely upset that he’s ruined his plan.
And oh no, James will not have that.
“Alright, love. How about,” he says, walking towards Regulus again, “We keep walking, you tell me everything you’ve been thinking, and then i’ll tell you what I think of everything you’ve been thinking and then i’ll kiss you, we can pretend this never even happened, yeah?”
Regulus looks up at him awestruck. He doesn’t say anything, just nods his head and follows alongside James when he starts walking again.
“Now, where’s the apology?” James asks, teasing.
“Right,” he flushes again, looking down at his shoes, “I suppose I have to just stand here, right now, and swallow every last bit of my pride that exists because I hardly ever say these words to anyone but I need to say them to you, James.” They’re still walking, side by side. James has his eyes on the side of Regulus’ face and Regulus has his eyes trained on the space in front of him, “I have to tell you that I’m sorry. I go back and relive it every night, how I told you I needed space, needed freedom to work and write and produce but, James,” He stops walking again, turns and looks him directly in the eyes, “Freedom was an illusion. My ‘freedom’ was spent missing you and wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine. James, I would go back right now to that December night and change my own fucking mind if it meant that I’d never have to experience the loss that was leaving you behind. I was stupid to think I couldn't grow with you, I should've let you grow with me. I should've just talked to you. I’ve been living in December ever since I left, you were the absolute world to me and I pushed you out. You were the light of my life, James, you were the sun and all I had left was grey skies and midnights and rain. I miss you, I miss you beyond words and I’m sorry.”
James takes Regulus’ hand in his, holding it gently and smiling softly down at him.
“I see why you didn’t want to skip over your plan,” he smiles wider, “that was the greatest apology i’ve ever heard,” before Regulus can stop him he pulls him into a hug, one arm around his waist, the other circling around to hold the back of his head. He feels a sigh of what sounds like relief released into his chest. When Regulus looks up at him, he’s got stars shining in his eyes.
“Do you forgive me?”
“Of course, how could I not? Regulus, I love you. I have for as long as I’ve known you. We have a lot to talk about but for now, can I kiss you?”
“Yes, yes you can kiss me,” Regulus says, his eyes shining brighter and desperation in his breath.
James leans down, his breath ghosting over Regulus’ eyelashes before their lips finally meet.
If their last kiss was like coming home, this one was like being set on fire. His limbs are so attuned with Regulus’, meeting every move he makes and holding him in ways that he knows make him go insane. It’s heaven when Regulus moans into his mouth while James finally snakes his hands around his lower back and slip them under his tank top. His skin is on fire, but so is James’.
But then a car honks to their right and he realizes that, again, they’re on the sidewalk in the city.
They both pull away, flushed and laughing.
“Can we go home?” Regulus asks as their hands slip together and they resume walking down the street.
“First, we have to make a quick stop,” he says, leading him into the market.
They make it to the cereal aisle when suddenly, Regulus' thoughts are clearly anywhere but on finding froot loops.
He’s clearly having very, very different thoughts now that he has James again because his lips are on James’ neck.
“Reg,” he breathes out while he tries to maintain his focus on the task at hand, “what are you doing?”
His arms are wrapped around James’ waist and down down down and suddenly his hands are on the waistband of his jeans.
“Nothing,” he says, looking up at James, the picture of innocence.
However, the way his hands are snaking up his t-shirt and over his abs is anything but.
“Alright, that’s enough of that,” James says, taking Regulus’ hand again before walking very, very briskly towards the bathroom at the very back of the small store.
***
When they finally get to James and Sirius’ apartment, it’s with matching grins, a box of froot loops and flushed faces.
As soon as James throws the door open, Sirius is on the other side.
“Prongs! Did you get my- Reggie?” His eyes are wide with surprise and excitement, then they trail further down and notice their interlocked hands, his brows shoot into his hairline.
Regulus just shoves the grocery bag into his arms and pushes his way into the apartment with James trailing behind.
“Yep, Sirius brilliant to see you too and all that but I need to speak with him so if you could just,” he gestures to the door he just entered through and all James can do is laugh. Sirius looks dumbfounded, though he really should expect this from him by now.
Regulus Black is nothing if not bossy.
“You can’t just come into my house and kick me out!” Sirius exclaims, though he does grab his keys out of the bowl on the counter and begin walking towards the coat rack.
“Well, I just did. Get lost, yeah? We’ll talk in a bit,” he pauses, looking between James and Sirius, “the three of us.” His eyes are earnest. He truly wants to fix this, not just patch it up with sex and promises they can’t keep.
“Yeah,” James and Sirius say in unison, then smile at each other before Sirius shrugs his jacket on and leaves.
Now that they’re alone, it’s quiet. Their hands are still interlocked, and though he really doesn't want to, James pulls his hand out of Regulus’ and begins to make tea.
It’s silent. Regulus is sat at the counter, watching.
He makes two cups and takes two muffins out of the box from the bakery two days ago. They’re not fresh anymore but damn are they still good.
Its still silent when he hands Regulus his cup and his muffin and they move to the living room. They sit on the couch, a pillow between them, and now that James is really looking, Regulus looks different.
He looks older, though it’s only been a few months, but he also looks sadder. He truly does look like he's lost his sun and also hours upon hours of sleep. Maybe this truly had been just as hard on Regulus as it had been on James.
“I need to explain a few things to you,” Regulus begins, looking to James who simply nods in encouragement, “Right, well, I guess i’ll start with why I even walked up to you today. I just, James I haven’t slept in months. I stay up all night and I replay the day that I left you over and over in my head and-“ He pauses, searching for his next words.
“The more I remember it, the worse it gets. The more I regret it, because it was so stupid. I got into my own head, I let the fears control my decisions just because I was worried I wasn’t good enough for you.”
James wanted to interrupt, but he didn’t. He knew his time to speak would come, but this had always been a fear in Regulus’ head, and James had tried his hardest to undo that line of thinking, he’d tried to unravel the ball of anxiety in the back of Regulus’ brain that told him all these lies but he never could. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to, either. But it hurt the same anyway.
“I remember our summer. All the times I sat in the passenger side of your dads truck and watched you laugh. I remember thinking then, that you were the sun. I still think that. But then, I thought, if you’re the sun, then what does that leave me to be?”
“You’re a star, Reg. You’re my star,” James cant stop the interruption this time. Regulus smiles at him, a true smile, and places his hand on his knee.
“I know now, I believe you now. I didn’t then, though. Back then, I was convinced I was rain. I was dark clouds that’d show up on your sunniest day and destroy it. I wasn’t sunshine, I wasn’t even close.”
“It was fine in summer. It was fine because we were in our own bubble, we were happy and I let myself forget everything I worried about, at least during the day. Then, fall came and, James. Fall was when I realized I was in love with you. We went back to school, back to our friends and we were secret. I liked it, I loved the secrecy and sneaking out with you. I loved that we were just for me. For us.”
James smiles, he also remembers fall. He knew he’d loved Regulus long before then, but he also acknowledges that he’s had an outstanding image of love to look up to, he’s been comforted and surrounded by love his whole life, while Regulus didn’t have anything close to that. The realization that he loved James must’ve been hard.
“September and October were good, even that first time you saw me cry, when you held me all fucking night and walked me back to the dungeons at 5am because you knew I didn’t want anyone to know yet. We were so so good, but then November came. The cold came, the wind and the snow and the darkness. That darkness swallowed my thoughts whole. That whole month, everything you gave me was love. You gave me so much of it, it scared me. I’d never had that, nothing even came close to you. It felt like too much, it felt like I wasn’t worthy, again. I let myself fall into the darkness instead of taking your hand and asking you to help me stay in the light. James, I know now that I should’ve taken your hand and told you to help me. I should’ve asked you to help me hold onto you, for you to stay for me. But I didn’t. I threw myself in and I couldn’t get out, not when you didn’t know I was down there. December came. You stayed, I didn’t. You showered me with so much love, and all I gave you was goodbye. It wasn’t fair. I didn’t give you a reason, I just walked away. I’m beyond sorry for that. I cant even explain how sorry I am for leaving your flowers out to die. I wish I could go back, I wish I had a time turner because if I did, i’d go back to that December night and change my own mind. You and I, James, were meant for each other. I should’ve never left.”
“I missed you, more than anything. January was torture. I spent the rest of the school year thinking about you, missing you. I still miss you, I suppose until about three hours ago I did. I want you to know, right now, James that I don’t expect you to forgive me. I know what happened today and if you decide right now, you don’t ever want me again i’ll leave and I won’t try again. I’ll spend the rest of my life missing you, but I will respect it if you want that. But, James,” he says, taking James’ hand, “If we loved again, I swear I’d love you right. I’d give you my sunshine, i’d give you my best. I want you to know, though, that the rain will always come if you’re standing with me. But this time, I know how to tell you, this time I refuse to let you go if you accept me back.”
James has tears in his eyes and a smile on his lips. He has to know that he’d never turn him away, never. He wouldn’t have let him go the first time if he’d know this was the reason he was trying to leave.
“Regulus, I can take a little rain. I want you by my side for fucking ever, I don’t care if it’s pouring. I’ll tell you the truth, for the rest of our lives I will tell you the truth but I will never, ever, bid you goodbye.”
Regulus’ smile is small, but it means the absolute fucking world. James has him again, can hold him and love him and understand him.
“I lov-“
Regulus is on him before he can even finish. Their lips meet and fuck, this is home. He’s been living in a dark night ever since December, but Regulus’ lips are laced with stars and lighting up his life one kiss at a time. How could he ever think he didn’t deserve this? Regulus, his boy.
James smiles and so does Regulus, they end up smiling so hard they can hardly kiss and pull away.
He takes the opportunity to thread his hands through Regulus’ hair and tell him everything he’s been brewing since his big explanation.
“Regulus, you were always good for me. You’ve always been the one person i’d choose every time, no matter what. You leaving hurt, I honestly did not think I'd move on. I think I was always kind of waiting for us to find our way back to each other, because there is no after you. There never was.”
“I know that you have this idea that you could never give me peace, or whatever love you’ve decided I deserve, even if you acknowledge that it’s bullshit now. You are my peace Regulus. You’re home. Maybe rain lives in you, but I’ve never been all sunshine and you know that. You built me up to be this person who wanted comfortable, clear skies when maybe I just want to kiss you in the middle of a storm. Maybe you’re the only thing i’ve ever truly wanted, because I don’t want much. I love you, Regulus Black.”
Regulus is crying, so was James when Regulus was giving his speech. They’re really a mess, aren’t they?
“I love you, James. I love you, I love you, I love you.” his eyes are overflowing with tears and his voice is watery and cracking and when James kisses him again, pulling him onto his lap, they taste like salt and love
They love each other. They have each other.
What else could he want?