Scorpius
Chapter II: Scorpius
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“Hullo, it’s me.
Papa told me you were happy that I sent hugs and kisses. He told me it’d be nice if I talked to you, some time. Told me you missed me loads.
So, um… Hello. Hi, mum, it’s Scorps.
How are you?
I brought you a flower – It’s not a rose. Papa only brings you roses. Don’t you get bored of them? I mean– Papa said they’re your favourite. He told me you like the red ones. They’re pretty flowers and they come in so many different colours, but…
I think they make me sad.
Do they make you sad?
Papa keeps a red rose in the library. He’s charmed it with an everlasting spell and has encased it inside a glassy vase – Like in that Muggle story you like so much, the one with the beast. He says this way you keep him company while he reads.
But he doesn’t read.
He stares at the red rose.
Roses make me sad.
Mum?
Can I ask him to stop bringing you roses? Or would that make you too sad? I know you like them, but… I… I brought you an orchid, look! It’s pretty, isn’t it? It’s not red, I know that. It’s white and purple and a little bit yellow and colourful and bright and—And–! And it’s just as pretty as a rose, and–
–AND I DON’T LIKE ROSES, OKAY!? THEY MAKE PAPA SAD!
They make him…
So sad…
He thinks I don’t see it – thinks I run around and play all day long – but I do. His eyes go cloudy most of the time, and it’s like he’s somewhere very far away from here. He doesn’t smile when he’s like that. I mean, he tries to, and I know he tries for me, but it’s not– Not like he used to when…
…When you were around.
But you’re not around anymore, are you?
I guess not… Otherwise, I wouldn’t be tracing the letters of your name on your gravestone…
Say, does Teddy keep you good company? He’s so fluffy and cuddly and soft! I was going to take him to Hogwarts, you know. After all, he’s very good at fighting monsters in the dark! But I thought you might need him more than I did.
You know… When… When you… In that big wooden box…
So, does he? Does he keep you good company?
I hope he does. I hope he snuggles you and cuddles you and – and hugs you.
Just like I used to hug you.
Remember?
Remember the times you’d sit on the couch and I would come and curl up to you and you’d read to me? Or when you’d tuck me in? – Papa reads me a bedtime story and tucks me in every night now. He’s a good storyteller! He does all sorts of voices and he charms the characters with his wand, so that I’ll see what they’re doing. It’s fun!
There was a story about a prince and a princess who danced at a Yule Ball. I saw them dancing – The princess wore a pretty dress! It looked like it floated when the prince spun her around. They looked like you and papa…
…But you don’t dance anymore.
I remember when you danced with me, spun me around, it was so much fun! You still had your… Hair. Your curls. Papa took a picture, I have it on my nightstand. I still wave it goodnight when he tucks me in. I still blow it a kiss. Sometimes, I’ll catch that kiss in my hand and give it to papa, too, because I know he misses your kisses.
I miss them, too, you know. Your kisses.
Remember when I tucked you in and cuddled you in that Muggle hospital bed?
Remember?
I do.
It wasn’t cosy, so full of so many strange things that made strange noises… I didn’t like them. They scared me, because they looked like they hurt you. The Muggle healers said they would help you, but… But then I don’t know what happened, and they said that you were in pain, and I cuddled you to make it easier for you. And I hugged you until you… stopped caressing my cheek.
Until you…
…Fell…
…Asleep.
Papa doesn’t sleep much; did you know that?
He looks so tired, all the time. I tell him there’s a boggart under my bed, but I know there isn’t. I tell him that so I can cuddle him, because he needs it. It helps him fall asleep – you know, ruffling my hair. He likes my curls. I let him play with them for a while. And if he doesn’t fall asleep, I’ll ask him to charm the room to see the night sky and tell me about the stars.
His voice becomes much softer when he does that. And then he lets out a big yawn, and then another, and another… And then he falls asleep.
I don’t know too much about his dreams, I’m sorry – But I think they’re very sad. He holds me tight in his sleep, it’s as if he’s scared to let me go. I think he dreams he’s holding you. He sobs and sobs and sobs. And I wipe off the tears from his face, but then he wakes up – You know how he told me you missed me loads? He misses you more. So, I hug him and hope he won’t feel alone.
But then his eyes go all cloudy again and he hides his sadness, hugging me, rubbing my back and letting me cry instead.
I know he wants to be strong for me and doesn’t want me to see how sad he really is. But I’m not blind. The first thing he’ll do when he gets up from bed is go to the library. I’ll follow him and see him standing there, staring at that red rose. I’ll hear him whisper ‘good morning’, and see how his head drops and his shoulders slump.
That rose… Mum, it makes papa so sad.
Please, let me tell him to stop bringing you roses – It brings so much sadness to his heart. You know how people smile, but it’s not really a smile? It’s how he looks at the roses: His lips curve upwards but his eyes… When they’re not cloudy, they- They tell a different story.
I wish I could make papa happy again, but the roses… They only remind him of… You, when you were sick.
I’ll bring you orchids, irises, lilies – Any pretty flower you want! Just not roses.
Please… They make me- They make him cry…
I don’t want him to feel sad anymore, I really miss his smile. I want him to find another way to remember you without his eyes going cloudy. I want to see them shine. I miss their shine, it’s been gone for so long. It’s like when it’s been rainy for a very long time and you finally want to see the sun.
I just want papa to see the sun again…
So, when he told me to come and say hello before I went to Hogwarts, I did, because I know how much it meant to him – How much it meant to you.
I’m sorry it took me so long. It’s just, ever since you went away…
Saying ‘hello’ means that I’ll have to say ‘goodbye’ at some point. It… It was difficult enough to say goodbye, you know– that one time. It was the hardest thing in the world, and I wasn’t sure I could do it again.
It’s just…
I don’t like talking to you like this. Talking to you as if you were here, when you’re really not. It’s not fair. I want to scream at the world and ask why it had to be you. It’s so unfair that I can’t do anything to bring you back. It’s so unfair that all I can do is bring you a flower and stare at your name while I cry.
I want to talk to you! I want to hug you! I want to cry on your shoulder, and not on this cold, hard, stupid stone! I want you to hold me! I want to give you the orchid and not place it on the muddy floor!
But I can’t.
Because you’re– You’re…
…Gone.
I miss you so much.
And I’ll never stop wishing you were here.
Mum?
I promise I’ll keep catching kisses and giving them to papa. I promise I’ll take good care of him and give him all my love for you. I promise I’ll read all of your favourite books, thinking about you all along.
I promise I will always love you.
But, please, don’t tell papa you miss me loads just now. Don’t make me come and say hello, if it means I’ll have to say goodbye. I’m not ready for that. It feels like saying ‘forever’, and it hurts. It feels like there’s a big hole in my heart, and I can’t stop crying.
It’s so much easier for me to just wish good night to the picture on my nightstand, where you’re smiling and laughing and holding me and spinning me around. It’s so much easier to talk to you that way. It’s so much easier on my heart.
I’ll never stop talking to you. I’ll tell you about Hogwarts; the Sorting Hat and which House I end up in – I’ll tell you about the friends I make, I’ll tell you about every spell I learn. I’ll tell you about my days, if they were good or bad, and I’ll ask you for advice if I get into trouble.
I’ll tell you all about papa. I’ll let you know as soon as his eyes shine, as soon as his smile is as bright as it used to be. I’ll tell you about every happy moment, about every time he laughs. And when we’re ready – when the rain has finally stopped and the sun comes out – we’ll come and say hello.
But I’m… We’re not strong enough to say hello—to say goodbye– yet.
So, please, wait for me – Wait for us.
I promise, when the day comes, we’ll bring you red roses, as many as you want. Until then, I’ll keep blowing you a kiss every night. I’ll keep telling you I love you, wishing you good night and sweet dreams.”
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