Still trying everything to keep you looking at me
This was it. It was over. No more chances, no more hope, no more desperately trying to chance the tides of the game. They’d lost. He had lost the one thing he truely wanted, the thing he’d been clinging on to by a thread all term. One game, the game where he lead his team to victory, scoring points after points and bathing in the flow of glory and pride as he held the trophy up high. But none of that was happening. They didn’t win. They lost. It was over. Over over over.
The ringing in his ears started almost as soon as the whistle blew and the game came to a finish, signalling that his worst fears had come true. He faintly heard the distant sound of others in his team letting out their frustration and despair while the winning team beamed in their victory. His heart had dropped to the bottom of his stomach like one of those muggle roller coasters Remus had told everyone about. This couldn’t be it, he’d trained for hours and hours and he did everything fucking right. He followed every rule and listened to every strategy thrown at him and they’d fucking lost. He wanted to be angry, oh how James would have loved to be angry but instead he was sad. Not disappointed, he was absolutely inconsolably devastated.
Everything around him felt fuzzy, as if he were watching life around him through someone else’s eyes. He could vaguely see as his friends patted each other on their backs and he watched as Sirius went up to Regulus with a smile on his face, clearly congratulating him on the win. They didn’t get it. James would never be able to express how barely he needed this win. Sure it was just a game but it meant everything to him and no one fucking understood besides perhaps the young Slytherin himself but he had won. No he wasn’t wishing Regulus had lost, because he wouldn’t wish this feeling on his worst enemy, let alone his friend but oh if he wasn’t burning with crippling jealousy.
Feeling both numb and on fire at the same time, James mumbled his thanks and condolences to his fellow team mates before shoving his way through the crowd and blindly following the path up to the dorm rooms. He felt a slight ache in his chest when he realised no one had followed him but quickly pushed it aside for he didn’t really want anyone to see him upset anyways.
Now safely away from prying eyes of everyone he felt tears began to rapidly form so he quickly threw his bag on the floor and sunk down onto his bed, curling up into a ball, the wall behind him the only thing holding him up. James let out a choked sob and quickly muffled it with his hand, every tiny thought about the loss pulling more tears from his already streaming face.
Why couldn’t something just go fucking right for once? All he had asked the universe for was this win, something good to cling to so he could carry on being his happy sunshine self. Perfect James Potter didn’t have time to be upset but this match was the rope holding up and losing snapped it in half. It seemed like every time he really, genuinely wanted something it never happened. Merlin knows how many times he’d craved his girlfriends touch or needed some extra company from her just to end up having to be alone because she was tutoring someone or in a different lesson than him or her parents banned owls in her house. Sure it was never Lily’s fault but it just felt to James like when he wanted her she wasn’t there. And now the one time he wanted something that meant something to him, not just a new robe or dumb sweets- something meaningful and it even related to one of his biggest passions ever and yet they fucking lost and thus again he’s left to fight his fucked up brain on his own.
Hiccuping tears were still pouring down his face but he couldn’t tell how long it had been, the rest of his surroundings blurring into nothing so much that he felt trapped in his own mind, barely even in control of his body or aware of the space around him. No one had come to check up on him yet, he’s guessing they’re at the Slytherin after party. He wished they would. Now James would never send a patronus to fetch one of his friends because he never wants any of them to see him like this but oh god how nice it would be for one of them to simply care enough to notice he’s gone, to know that him being withdrawn or quiet or not going to a party is the product of a depression episode. But no one came and he doubt they would until he was long asleep.
James sat on this thought for too long and suddenly every doubt and insecurity he’s been having in the last few weeks flared up to the surface. He can’t remember the last time someone asked him to go flying, the last time someone asked him to hangout at hogsmede or the last time someone seeked him out first. He couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if he just…stopped. Like would anybody say anything? Would they care? Would he never hangout or talk to anyone ever again if he stopped reaching out to them first? He used to feel so loved and popular but as he searches his brain for someone to talk to, seeing who’s talked to him recently or who’s acted put off by his presence it feels like the latter of the two is a much longer list and this alone brings a whole new set of tears.
James lets out a gasp, trying and failing to breathe as he chest tightens painfully and he throws his glasses at floor so he can successfully bury his face in his hands.
Suddenly he realises the pain in his stomach isn’t just from crying, he hasn’t eaten in probably hours and after burning all his energy in the quidditch game he needs food. It’s hard to accurately describe the extent to how much mental strength it takes for him to stand up and quietly make his way down to the kitchens. He freezes for a split second when he sees Sirius absentmindedly eating an apple out of one hand and smoking out of the other.
Taking a deep breathe James quietly padded into the kitchen, searching through what food was left from the dinner he skipped.
“Oi mate there’s bread in that cupboard over there if u want it” James flinched slightly at the unexpected noise of Sirius’ voice that only slightly registered in his mind. He threw him a thumbs up, absentmindedly wondering if his best friend would ask him what was wrong, why he wasn’t at the party or how he was after the game that Sirius knew meant a lot to him. He didn’t, however, and more tears pooled around his eyes at this as he desperately tried to not make any noise.
With another confirmation to the fact that no one really gave a shit about him James grabbed his food and swiftly left the kitchens and Sirius behind.
The dorm was still empty when he returned so after forcing the food he didn’t feel like eating down his throat he made his way over to the bath room. People say to fake it till you make it and James knows he’s been doing that for mostly his whole life. If someone had asked him a week ago if he thought he was good looking he would have answered yes. What’s wrong with self love and confidence? But standing in front of the mirror right now, his usually messy hair even more of complete disgrace and the heavy bags under bloodshot and red eyes made him want to never step foot outside ever again.
Slowly he pulled off his shirt, watching as his own detached eyes met in the mirror as they raked over his body. No matter how much exercise he did he would never look how he wanted. Every little imperfection leaped forward at him, blaring lights bringing his attention to them. The pain in his chest was getting worse so in an act of self preservation he quickly got in the shower, trying to wash away all the screaming thoughts in his mind.
James took a deep breath and turned off the streaming water. Feeling a tiny bit more put together he ran a towel through his black hair and shrugged on his favourite red sweater and some comfortable joggers, brushing his teeth and then practically dragging his body off to bed. He just wanted to sleep. Drift off and forget the fact he would never get another chance to win that specific game, forget the fact that his friends probably hated him and for good reason because look at him. Personally he would rather be literally anybody else than himself but no matter what he did he could never seem to do enough to like himself. Before he even had the chance to lie down however the door to the dorm burst open and the faces of his dorm mates came into view, all of them supporting matching ticked off expressions. James’ heart rates picked up, his fight or flight instinct kicking in with the little bit of hope that they were coming in to check up on him, maybe even ask how he’s feeling-
“Good to see your alive James” Sirius deadpanned and the disappointed tone and lack of nickname made James freeze. He just nodded slowly, eyes flicking from each of them who were all standing in front of him and suddenly he felt rather like a cornered deer at a watering hole. His eyes were sore and his voice raw and to be frank he didn’t have the energy or mental capacity to say anything. The silence stretched on for a moment longer before Sirius spoke again.
“Mate you haven’t spoken to any of us like all day what’s up with that? and yeah we get it you’re a little disappointed about the game but still that’s not an excuse to ignore us all.” Sirius’ voice echoed around in James brain as he tried to comprehend how him crying in his room on and off for hours made him a bad friend and when he failed again to do anything but stare at him Sirius huffed out a irritated sigh.
“I bet you weren’t like this when u were with Lily this morning huh?” Remus chimed in, looking just as unamused as his boyfriend.
“Mhm and after all Moony did for u today, writing that essay for u so u could practice? Really James I expected better.”
And just like that all three of them moved to their respective beds, closing the curtains and someone using a wordless spell to flick off the lights. Now James sat alone, surrounded by darkness and he just had blinding confirmation that his friends didn’t care about him one fucking bit. He silently closed his curtains, casted a silencing spell around him and cried himself to sleep.
No one heard a sound as the most radiant and kind boy of the grade sobbed until his eyes ran out of tears.