James looks like hell, standing in the bathroom looking at the mirror James really hoped this wasn’t what others seen
He had Awful eye bags and he’s whole face was puffed up from crying, his hair was always messy sure but messy in His way always a certain way, and now it’s not. Now it is greasy and in need of a haircut
It’s was times Like these he was greatfull for always being the first up.
James changed into something more covered than his pajamas then went for a jog around the castle and flying for a few hours
Then, atlas James when back inside away from the chilly October air
Everyone was still asleep
Peter snoring way louder than necessary, then the was Sirius and Remus in Sirius’ bed
James jumped into the shower before changing into his uniform by the time he came out of the bathroom Remus and Peter were already awake peters bed made perfectly and Remus’ untouched as always
Before James had even made it fully out of the door way Peter was pushing past mumbling about pissing himself,
About forty minutes later all four boys were in the hall eating breakfast, moony with his usual 4-way- sliced-all-different-condiments toast and a bowl of beans
Peter had porridge
Sirius was slowly picking around at some scrambled eggs
And James, James wasn’t eating he had a plate of cereal infront of him and he pretended to be eating it but instead just drinking a shit load of black coffee with honey in it, the way regulus always had his.. James’ heart broke a little more every time he thought about that
The bell has finally rang it the boys split ways to head to there classes Remus and Sirius of to charms
Peter and James to potions
While walking to class Peter pulled James into a abandoned boys toilets
“What’s wrong you barley picked at breakfast and said a total of 4 sentences” Peter had said eventually breaking the silence
“Nothing” James said immediately, as he was so used to doing by now
Peter sharpens his glare
James sighed “Pete please just leave it for now I’m really not able”
“Fine but James you have to talk eventually” peter knew what was wrong and why James was acting weird, but wanted James to admit it
James had avoided the boys, especially Peter for the rest of the day spending it either in the boys abandoned bathrooms on the 2nd floor
Or by the black lake reading regulus’ favourite books, most of them without surprise were poetry books
It was way past cerfew when James had decided to go back to his bed, something that he now hated doing
When he got back Sirius, and what has now become Remus’ curtains where closed and a silencing charm must have been used since he can’t hear anything
Peter was no where to be seen, but he was probably of with his secret person who he won’t disclose Any information on to any of the boys apparently
James grabbed his stuff and changed in the bathroom and brushing his teeth taking extra long than any sane person
Then he went to bed
After tossing and turning for awhile he ended up grabbing his book from he’s bedside table and pulled his curtains over to turn of his light charm
He read for Hours before falling asleep
Regulus was standing in front of James looking awful
“James” he whispered in a broken voice
“I’m sorry please forgive me…I love you”
“No.” James said tears rolling down his face
“Please stop, stop it now! Your hurting me”
“Oh James” regulus reached out
James had been seeing regulus and night for months now and every time he felt pain, because it Wasn’t real
Notheless he cried every time while praying to Merlin that this time was different. That this time he was real that this was the real version all the rest were dreams
He prayed to have regulus back. To have regulus hug him from behind and to read him poetry underneath the old oak tree by the black lake
The one that hid them from everyone
But it didn’t matter how much he prayed it’s was never enough. James was never enough to keep regulus in his arms every time regulus would die
“You don’t love me. YOUR NOT EVEN REAL!” James shouted
He put a hand on his chest his fingers grazing his collarbone he felt pain. Everywhere but mostly in his chest
James turned around to face regulus again only to start screaming at the sight.
Regulus being dragged underwater by inferi
James screamed and screamed while trying to pull regulus back out
But like every other time
Every other death of regulus’
He couldn’t help no matter what he did it was always inevitable
James broke down onto the floor crying “WHY. WHY HIM” his voice cracking with every letter
James woke up gasping for air he quickly casted a 𝘮𝘶𝘧𝘧𝘭𝘪𝘢𝘵𝘰 before falling apart crying uncontrollably until his throat was raw and his face was swollen & puffy
Later that day around 10-ish pm the four marauders decided to have a few drinks they stashed under the floor boards
Queen was playing extremely lowly
James was still a big fucked up after last nights dream
He kept zoning out
Sirius was emotional today was 1 month since regulus was announced dead
Everyone one especially James but he hid it the best he could
Peter noticed James was acting weirder that usual and he knew why
Remus crawled over to Sirius and held him as he stared crying, he tried to comfort him in the best way he could
Rubbing his back and whispering sweet nothings into his ear
James felt himself falling a bit more apart- if it was even possible
Peter noticed, he always did but never did anything
Suddenly Peter stood up and when to his bed a grabbed a sweater
James recognised it immediately its was regulus’ favourite sweater, it’s was black and green striped round neck but it’s was the most comfortable thing ever
James’ eyes softened at the sight of it
James had thought Peter was walking over to Sirius but he didn’t he sat down next to James and tried to hand it to him
“I… um I found this and… I think you should have it, it uh- it was regulus” peter said
James was confused
“Hmm? What no no Sirius should have it, what use would I have for it.” James heart broke saying this
Sirius chuckled slightly
“ come on prongs… we all know you to wore dating so shut up and take to damn sweater”
James slowly look don’t at the sweater and felt his walls breaking one by one
He grabbed the sweater with shaking hands and immediately started getting flashbacks so many flashbacks all containing this sweater
It smells like him a bit James thought at he pulled the sweater closer
He felt he’s cheeks getting wet with tears
Then he broke, he started crying until he couldn’t breathe
Peter was there immediately comforting him
“Thank you” James whispered brokenly
It’s took Peter a moment to reply because this was the very first time he, or any of the marauders had seen James cry he always hid himself away and took care of them but now he physically, mentally and emotionally couldn’t do it
“It’s okay”
James wasn’t okay, no he was in pain not physically no but pain notheless and that’s okay because he’s human and he’s aloud to cry and scream and shout because otherwise he would start slowly falling apart from the inside until he tore himself apart, if you feeling like James know your not alone. I love you and I’m sure others do, fuck them if they don’t we have eachother<3