It’s Astronomy, we’re two worlds Apart
It was another one of those nights. The ones where the dorm room was dead silent, except for the faint snores of Sirius’ best friends. One of the nights when no matter how long the previous day had been, Sirius simply couldn’t sleep.
It wasn’t the lack of sleep that bothered Sirius on these nights, after all, pranks often had to take place in the dead of night. It was the memories that invaded Sirius’ head like a dagger to the throat. They would always make themselves seen no matter how hard Sirius tried to block them out. It’s as if they could sense the silence, and break out of that cellar Sirius is usually oh-so good at keeping them in. They feed on the deafening silence.
It was the time of night when Sirius couldn’t find it in himself to joke about his traumas. He couldn’t laugh about how insane his family was. He couldn’t joke about how his first tattoo was almost the dark mark. He couldn’t joke about being kicked out of the family that never loved him in the first place. It suddenly wasn’t funny, and there was no audience for Sirius to entertain.
Sirius’ main thought during these nights was Regulus. He thought about how Regulus was all alone in that wretched house. He thought about how he missed Regulus. He thought about how he hated Regulus. He thought about how he felt sorry for Regulus. He thought about how he wished Regulus was never born. He thought about how he didn’t know if he would have been able to survive the Noble House of Black without Regulus. He wondered if Regulus thinks about him during these painful nights, or if he even had nights like these.
Sirius wondered if Regulus was just too perfect to worry, If he was just too great to feel any sense of insecurity about his life. If Regulus ever wanted to just scream at the top of his lungs about how unfair his life was just like Sirius did. Sirius wondered if Regulus felt any guilt for what he did. If he felt any pain watching their parents perform the Cruciatus Curse on his older brother. All these thoughts would leave Sirius wondering if Regulus even cared or thought about him in the first place.
Sirius quietly drew back his curtain, grabbed his wand and the infamous Marauders Map. “I solemnly swear I am up to no good” Sirius whispered, smiling about how proud he and James were when they came up with that phrase, and how Remus and Pete’s faces looked when James and Sirius showed them their genius idea.
Sirius first looked to the Slytherin dorms, but to his surprise, he didn’t see Regulus’ name in his bed where he usually saw it on nights like these. He scanned the map, searching for his little brother. The intrusive thoughts freaked him out more and more as Sirus continues to look for his little brother. He’s dead. He’s gone home. He’s been hurt. He’s hurting someone else. He’s lost somewhere. He’s stuck somewhere. He needs help. Until finally, Sirius saw Regulus’ name at the astronomy tower. Sirius changed to his animagus form and left his dorm, heading for the astronomy tower.
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Sirius remained in dog form as he walked up to Regulus and laid down next to his little brother. Regulus was sitting looking up at the stars, and Sirius waited for him to notice he was there. Eventually, Sirius got tired of waiting and nudged Regulus to get his attention.
Regulus jumped and looks down at Sirius. “What the fuck.” Regulus said, looking around. “Who are you?” Regulus declared, looking Sirius in the eye, visibly confused.
It had been a while since Sirius had been alone with Regulus. They typically avoided each other at school, and when they would talk to each other it would usually involve the two of them yelling at each other; burying down all the things they really wanted to say to each other. When it came to the Black brothers, they never could see eye to eye. Most people thought they hated each other, and sometimes Sirius wondered if that were true. He wondered if he could ever truly hate Regulus; Sirius of all people knew how crazy Walburga Black could make you. Sirius knew that this liminal moment, the time between morning and night where nothing felt quite real, would probably be the only time he would get an honest answer about how Regulus was doing.
Sirius put his head on Regulus’ lap, hoping this would at least stop him from getting up and leaving. “Hogwarts doesn’t have a dog, where did you come from?” Regulus stated, obviously still confused. Sirius just stared at Regulus, then pretended to fall asleep in his lap. “Oh ya, make yourself comfortable you mutt.” Regulus complained.
Sirius opened his eyes and began to wag his tail as he looked up at Regulus. “I’m making fun of you, you stupid dog.” Regulus grumbled, and yet he didn’t do anything to move Sirius off his lap. Then more to himself Regulus said, “Look at me, I have stooped so low that I’m talking to a random dog.” Sirius did a little bark, thinking it was absolutely hilarious that Regulus was embarrassed about talking to a dog; and laughing to himself about how much more embarrassed he would be if Regulus knew this dog was actually his older brother.
Then Regulus did something that surprised Sirius. He sighed and began to pet him. “Did you know I’m up there?” Regulus said to Sirius as he pointed up at the stars. “Of course you don’t, you’re a dog.” regulus said rolling his eyes. “Anyway, it’s me and my whole fucked up family up there. We’re quite a big deal, we’re the Noble House of Black. Toujour Pur and all that.” Regulus said and then looked down at Sirius. “You’re annoyingly persistent. I’m being a prat to you and you are just sitting there wagging your tail.”
Sirius laughed to himself, at least Regulus knew he was a prat. “I hate my family.” Regulus declared, continuing to pet Sirius. “I hate my mother, father, my cousins but most of all I hate Sirius.”. This took Sirius by surprise, he thought although the two didn’t always see eye, they could at least agree that their family sucked arse and they were the only decent ones. “I hate Sirius most because he is a liar. At least the rest of my family owns that they are terrible people. Sirius acts as if he doesn’t have a single flaw. He walks around this school like he is perfect, but he’s not.”. It was true, Sirius did walk around the school like he was perfect, but it was all a facade. It was fake. Sirius did it to cover up everything wrong with him, because if he didn’t people probably wouldn’t like him, and of all the things Sirius was scared of, he was most scared of not being loved.
Sirius had thought that Regulus knew it was a facade. After all, he had seen firsthand how broken and unlovable Sirius was. He thought Regulus could see right through him, and was simply waiting for the perfect time to expose him as the fake that he really was.
“You want to know why he isn’t as perfect as he makes people think. It’s because he’s a hypocrite. He would always tell me about loyalty, acting as if he was the most loyal person ever. He would tell me all about how he was loyal to his friends, and more importantly how he was loyal to the right side of the war. He told me that no matter what our family did to him, he would stay loyal to the right side. Then he went on to tell me about how he was also loyal to me, because he loved me,” Regulus began to cry as he continued “but clearly that was a lie, he wasn’t loyal to me and he doesn’t fucking love me. If he loved me he wouldn’t have left me.” Sirius looked up at Regulus who was wiping the tears from his eyes.
“Ya, the prat left, without me. He left me with our mother, and suddenly I was the one she took everything out on. Her abuse started to get worse. It was as if,” Regulus paused, trying and failing to collect himself “when Sirius left I had to take on everything she would usually do to Sirius; and trust me she was really bad to Sirius.
He told me he was loyal to me. He took a lot of hits for me, literally, he would make sure mother was hitting him and not me. He was the heir. I never told him this because it would make me sound like a terrible person, but I was always glad he was the heir and not me, because I didn’t know how I would cope with it. I didn’t think I could handle being the heir. He protected me from a lot, and I wouldn’t be surprised if there was more he did that I didn’t know about.”
It was true. There were things Sirius did so Regulus would be better off. Sirius would often sneak out of his room at night and just stare at Regulus’ bedroom door. Making sure his mother didn’t go in there and hurt him without Sirius being around to protect him. Sirius always kept an eye on him at parties in the Noble House of Black, because he didn’t trust his family not to do anything, they had a lot of creepy cousins and he wasn’t going to let any of them touch his little brother. At school, Sirius made himself known to anyone who was even a little mean to Regulus, and made sure they left him alone.
“But now I’m the heir, and he isn’t here to protect me from that. He said he was loyal to me, but he left me. He doesn’t talk to me anymore.” At this point, Regulus had given up on trying to wipe away his tears and just let them roll down his face. “I don’t think he likes me if I’m being honest. Little did I know there are a lot of scars that come with being the Black heir.
If anything Sirius made the whole thing worse for me, if he hadn’t protected me all these years I would probably be more prepared for this. I would be able to hide it better. Pandora is scary good at finding scars, and always seems to get an explanation out of me.” Regulus rambled on and Sirius thought to himself that Pandor sounded a lot like James.
“I don’t know how Sirius did it all, and that makes me even more mad because now I have to figure it out all by myself. Of course, I can’t talk to anyone about all this which means I just have to bottle it all up. I can’t even do that though because now I keep lashing out at everyone I care about, and soon enough they will all hate me just like Sirius does, and I will have nobody.” Regulus’ voice cracked as he said the word nobody and Sirius could feel the pain through that voice crack as if it were his own, because at one point it had been.
“So ya, Sirius’ whole thing about loyalty is a big fucking lie, and now I’m here having no idea what to do or how to do any of it. Unlike my family, he lies about how shit he is and he thinks that makes him better than everyone else, but really it makes him much more pathetic than the rest of us; because he is too much of a coward to admit who he really is.”
Sirius couldn’t believe this was how Regulus felt. He had done so much to protect his younger brother from everything he was feeling at this moment now. He had stayed in that house for Regulus. He took the brunt of his parent’s anger so Regulus wouldn’t have to. He stayed until he was literally kicked out; and yet, it even hadn’t mattered because here Regulus was, in the exact place Sirius had fought so hard to keep him out of.
Sirius had tried to get Regulus out too, but everything he tried had failed. He spoke with Dumbledore who was no help and didn’t really seem to care that much. He spoke with the Potters who tried to get custody of Regulus, but they couldn’t because “there was no reason to remove him from his current living situation”. He had even tried to talk to the ministry but that only resulted in him being ignored once again. Sirius didn’t want to leave Regulus; and yet, Regulus would never see that, and would spend the rest of his life thinking Sirius left him.
“I think I’m going to take the mark when I turn 16. That’s when Sirius was supposed to get it and I know my parents will want me to get it then too. I’m just really scared, and I feel like it will be easier if I just do what they say. I don’t want it, but I’m scared; I’m not like Sirius.
When Sirius refused to take the mark they Cruicoed him. When he left mother came up to my room and Crucioed me so I would know what it felt like to make the choices Sirius made. I don’t want her to do it again. I know I sound like a coward when I say this but it really hurt. At that moment I felt like death would be easier than enduring the pain.”
Sirius couldn’t believe what he was hearing. This was obviously something that Sirius had worried about when he left Regulus alone. It was the exact reason he spent all those hours staring at Regulus’ bedroom door. It hurt so much to hear that while Sirius was at the Potter’s getting healed up his brother was alone facing the excruciating pain of the Cruciatus curse.
Sirius understood what Regulus meant, when he was being cruioed he also thought that it would be easier to die than to live through the pain he was feeling. The difference is for Sirius is that it’s all over now, it will never happen to him again. For Regulus, it could, and likely will happen again. Sirius could bask in the relief of it being over, but Regulus didn’t have that luxury.
“I know Sirius would be ashamed of me if he saw me now, and to tell you the truth, I am ashamed of me too; and yet I still can’t find the courage to do anything about it. I guess that’s why I wasn’t sorted into Gryffindor huh?” Regulus said looking down at Sirius as tears continued to stream down his face.
Sirius did the only comforting thing he could think to do, he stood up and rubbed his face against Regulus’ to wipe away the tears. “This is kind of pathetic huh?” Regulus said, looking Sirius in the eye.
Sirius shook his head no. This wasn’t embarrassing, this was a normal thing that happened when you were the child of Orion and Walburga Black. Sirius knew all too well how Regulus was feeling. If he hadn’t had James Potter he would have been in the exact position Regulus was in right now.
Sirius wanted so badly to change back into human form, hug Regulus and tell him everything he is feeling is valid. He wanted to tell Regulus that he isn’t ashamed of him, and that he understands how he feels; but Sirius knew he couldn’t do that.
Regulus was never this open, and Sirius didn’t know what his little brother would do if he realized who he was really talking to.
Regulus laid down, looking up at the stars and said “I come here to escape reality for a little bit.” Regulus said. Sirius laid down next to him, putting his head right next to Regulus’s.
Regulus closed his eyes and began to pet Sirius. After about a half hour Regulus’ fingers stopped moving through Sirius’ fur and he could hear Regulus letting out soft snores.
Sirius didn’t know what to do, he had just learned so much about his little brother, the person who he thought was untouchable. He had seen Regulus as this hard, tough person that just didn’t really give a shit about anyone else. Tonight he saw a different side of Regulus. A side that Regulus hadn’t let anyone else see.
He saw a fragile side of Regulus, a side that showed Sirius how much help Regulus needed. Regulus wasn’t happy, obviously, Sirius knew this, but he didn’t know just how bad it was. Sirius had naively thought that once he was gone the abuse from their parents would go down, but apparently, it is only getting worse, and now Sirius couldn’t bear to think about what their parents were doing to Regulus.
Sirius didn’t know what he was going to do, but he knew he was going to do something. Regulus couldn’t live like this, and as his big brother, he had to help him. Regulus was right when he said that Sirius was loyal to him, but what Regulus didn’t realize, is that Sirius never stopped being loyal to him. Sirius curled up next to Regulus and closed his eyes. This time, Sirius didn’t leave, and come morning Regulus would feel a little less alone.