Chapter 1
Cold air moved around him. His hair blew in all directions and the icy breeze made him shiver under his many layers. The night seemed endless, the dark sky reaching out and somehow in it's endlessness felt bigger than ever. Only the stars, millions of miles away lit up the night. He felt almost a part of a life, a group, he felt more right here, alone.
He laid on his back his arms around himself and his ankles crossed over, only ever watching the stars wishing to be one of them. The darkness around him swallowed everything but the sky, the stars. Deep inside he felt more connected with it, with them, more than he had ever felt with the human world. A world full of lies, misery and hurt. In the stars there was nothing, no hurt no misery, nothing but the endless universe. He felt at home here. In the dark of the night. The only place where he could fully be him. Could be himself without punishment. Without being judged by humanity.
His star was shining bright tonight. Bright and visible like only a short period every year, it hangs in the sky making his day feel bearable. Making him feel good without trying, it was there, and he was able to count on it to come back over and over, year after year. Things he could count on were good, they were science and proved. He could trust them; he could trust the stars. They were there and wouldn’t go, it was proved, it was a fact.
Tomorrow he would be gone, he would move. Finally getting away from his life without control getting away from his family. His mom. Ohh, his mom. His controlling mom, his life. His only source of safety, a future. She had made him understand, he did, she only wanted him the best. Only wanted him to have a future and a career, only wanted him to make her proud. To make cissy proud. Not to be a disappointment like his brother.
Going to University would be new, it would be scary, unknown. He had no plan, no schedule. He needed a plan, needed a schedule, he needed it to make a life. He needed it to make his life work. He had never been away alone. Never had control over his own life as much as now. Always at all times had his parents be near and when they weren’t able to, there was a maid or a “babysitter” there. Even after he turned 18 they didn’t let him be alone. Didn’t trust him. Didn’t trust him to live his own life. Thought he would mess up. Thought he would bring them shame like his brother had. Thought he would destroy their image.
He had never been free, never free from duties. Never in his lifetime been free to make mistakes, been free to live, to laugh or to be happy. He had never been free and just now he realised that. What was it like to be free? What did it mean to be free? How where you free? What was free?
Years. A lifetime without real freedom, without an own will and an own life made it ultimately harder for one to start to live in a new town, to live alone, without those controlling you all trough your life. He had never been good with changes; they were new and new things were scary. He did want to get away. He really did. He did, he wanted to get away, try to be in control, he wanted it but wasn’t sure how. He wasn’t sure how to be in control, to make decisions, to have a will, his own opinion. He wanted, he would try, and he would fail. His mother had said, had told him. She wanted him the best, this was not it she had said. Training away was not it. Another trainer than her was not the best. She was the best, was the best for him, she had said. She had let him go, would send him away tomorrow, would make sure he knew she was still the best. Would forever be.
He would go in the morning, in a few hours. He would be gone, and he would have to make things work. Had to make a plan, a schedule as soon as possible. He wanted this to work. He needed it to; he must make cissy proud make her see, he is no failure, that he is loveable, that he is worth love, that he has earned it. Tomorrow he would get to University, and he would make his family proud, his mother. Let her see he could do things on his own, that he can win, that he can, and he will. Tomorrow his new life will start, and he will make it work. He will make it good, make it his own more than his mothers.
As he laid there in the dark and thought about tomorrow, about his life and what to make with it, his body started to shiver uncontrollably. It was cold and he hadn’t slept enough, the journey would be long the next day and his body needed rest. Rest. His mother had told him to rest. Not to rest for a day, no not that. Never that. He needed to train daily, train for hours. He needed to train for perfection, to train to be the best. He loved to train. Hop out and fold, hop out and turn, hop out and feel free. But rest in his mother’s words was sleep for nothing more nothing less than six hours. Six hours of sleep not rest. Rest. Rest was never a day off, a day to be with his friends, to watch a film, to listen to music while lying on his back. Rest would never be that.
He sat up. One last look at the stars, his group. He thought one last time before going, that to be one of them must be heaven, light and flowy, no misery, no duties. He would be happy there, out in the universe, away. Alone. Not lonely, never lonely. Just alone, away, happy.