★
When Remus Lupin traded his sea-side home by the coast of Scotland for a small dormitory close to the Department of Physics in Oxford, prepared to spend the next few years of his graduate program studying Cosmology, he thought he knew everything about the stars.
That was until he met a boy named after a star – Regulus Black, with his gentle voice and somber eyes with that unique color of his that resembled melted silver – that casually told him only a few hours after they had an intense discussion on the library about The Divine Comedy – truly, a long story for another time that ended with both of them referring at each other through their full name– hey, Remus John Lupin, do you fancy music?
Regulus Arcturus Black, I believe everyone fancies music.
Well, not everyone. Do you?
Yeah, obviously.
Okay. Do you want to go listen to my boyfriend's band playing tonight?
Sure?
Okay.
(…)
John! Hah! What a truly stupid middle name.
So that night he went, at exactly 7:47 p.m. – Regulus Black was very precise about this – a full moon in the September air, following the instructions of the brightest star in Leo's constellation.
Remus Lupin thought he knew everything about the stars. Heavens, he even had a diploma hanging on his mother's living room that said so. What a fucking disaster, it was, to be struck by surprise by one – to look at the dark vanity of the pub he was entering, trying to capitulate the magnificence it was the low lights casting shadows around the silhouettes of bodies and thinking that the sky was a map and the map was right in front of him and that was. That was Hello everyone, I'm Sirius Black and this is Dogstars.
The brightest star in the sky.
see into the dark
just follow your eyes
just follow your eyes
So you ran, like a coward. That was Mary, being not very helpful at all.
Yes, I ran like a coward.
He is not even denying it, Lily mumbled from her place at Remus' bed.
You saw a pretty boy and ran?
Remus shoulders shagged a little. Yes, like a coward. They had already established that so he didn't know why it bears repeating.
What a fucking disaster.
We need a plan. We totally need a plan. So here is the plan. Phase one…
Lily Evans abandoned Remus Lupin the moment her eyes laid on the light reflecting on Pandora's Lovegood strange eyes. The Plan, capital letters and all, had ended before it could even begin because phase one was rudely interrupted by the intricacies of sapphic love.
Well, fuck the plan. Mary said while passing Remus a glass of beer. Improvise. We die like men, you know.
(…)
You're gonna run like a coward again, aren't you?
Remus gulped most of his beer in one go, Most certainly, Mary. Most certainly.
Remus Lupin met with Regulus Black at the library, a frequent place they saw each other – mostly because Regulus obviously enjoyed reading, being an English grad student himself and because Remus found a very strange peacefulness in being surrounded by words. They had a silent agreement since meeting each other a month ago that Thursday afternoons were reserved for quiet reading sessions, warm cups of tea and ironic comments about the book they were reading or some hot topic on their respective fields; for Regulus, Crime and Punishment – he was going through a Russian Literature phase, as he put it, because it was essential to oneself to navigate this when in your twenties.
Dogstar is playing tomorrow night at the same pub before they go on their little tour for winter break. Do you want to come?
Dogstar. So, yes, apparently everyone on the band – as in, Sirius Orion Black, Regulus' older brother, James Potter, Regulus' boyfriend, Pandora Lovegood, Regulus' best friend and Marlene McKinnon, Regulus' flatmate – were in grad school when they very suddenly decided to create the band. The band was apparently Regulus' idea since everyone there was related to him and he wanted to, and this is a direct quote, Marlene wanted to write songs about Dorcas and sing it on stage, Pandora was bored so it would give her something to fuss about, James with a guitar was so hot I genuinely asked him to marry me when I saw him on stage for the first time and Sirius… well, It was a distraction from the fact I was fucking his best friend. Or, you know, that his best friend was fucking me if we are talking about semantics.
I don't think we are talking about semantics at all, Regulus. Not even a little bit.
(...)
Remus John? (...) Lupin?
(...) Yes?
Are you losing brain cells over my older brother?
(...)
(...)
Why would you ask me that?
You always make this fight and flight expression when I say his name as if he was just behind you, you would run for your life, never to be seen again.
Remus stopped breathing. Is he behind me?
You are not even denying it!
Is he?
Obviously not, your idiot. Sirius is allergic to books, he wouldn't be at the library.
Oh.
Don't oh me you old gay boy. That is suppose to make you feel disgusted towards him. You like reading and he is very stupid, you know? It wouldn't work.
I never saw James in the library either.
First of all, you only know us for a month. Second of all, James need not be intelligent when he is that hot. It balances out.
Well…
Do not. Even. Mention Sirius' name right now.
I'm just saying.
Well don't.
(...)
(...)
So, what are you doing on winter break? Back to France?
No, obviously. I have boyfriend duties to oblige. You know, following the band around England's dirtiest pubs and making sure they have three meals a day and endless words of affirmation. Well, everyone except Sirius. He works better under words of extreme disappointment.
That's sad.
You should come around if you want. We have ten pounds, a van and a dream. That's what music should be about. Dorcas and I are officially integrating the groupie category of the whole thing and I heard Pandora saying Lily would come around because they are so very disgustingly in love even though they only met two weeks ago but Dora says that is how sapphic love works so who am I to judge?
Did it take two weeks for you and James to be together?
No, it took about twelve years. We work differently.
Twelve years?
I wanted to make sure James really wanted me.
Sounds about right.
Right? Thank you! So Mary is also tagging along and some of my friends will meet us when we go to London. Evan and Barty, you're gonna love them. They run this coffee shop in London but we met them when I was doing some Pantomime during undergrad. They still do it sometimes but not that much because they decided to start a family so they are sort of busy.
And how is that going?
They have about twenty different animals around and a few porcelain dolls that I'm not completely sure they know are inanimate objects but Pandora promised to get them a baby soon.
(...)
(...)
Is she going to steal a baby for them???
(...)
God, you're as stupid as Sirius. I see it now, you both are going to work perfectly.
Regulus.
She obviously won't. (...) I think.
(...)
Well, I am 70% sure she will not.
(...)
Actually, 58%.
When winter break started, Remus took the train back to Scotland and spent a total of fifty six hours moping around the house before deciding he would face Sirius Orion Black in the eyes and just ask him out. He made a plan, one that did not involved Lily Evans and her sapphic, traitorous friendship and, just to be sure it would work, he delayed every detail to his mother who was listening attentively and who, just like Mary, also accused him of cowardice.
So back to the train he went and, would you look at that, he was in London, following the weirdest instructions Regulus and Pandora had given him when they left Oxford, in the hopes Remus would meet them in any of the places Dogstar was scheduled to perform.
Truth be told, it was a sad little tour. They got to play around England because apparently Pandora knew each owner of every underground pub that was kind to strange academics who decided to create a band out of boredom. Dogstar was quite good –excellent, even– but they were doing it for fun and not to make it out there, which made the whole experience even more special. Regulus was right; they had ten pounds, a van and a dream. Except the dream was to fulfill every little trip of theirs with laughter and beers and belonging.
Maybe it was this energy, maybe everyone else could see the brightest star known to man did not shine in Canis Major but right here on the ground, in front of them.
James, who so usually drew attention in any room he was in, blended mystically when on stage, becoming a sentient feeling more than anything else – and he understood why Regulus said what he said about James and his guitar.
Pandora and Marlene strangely worked as a unit on stage, as if their souls would immediately connect when they held their instruments and whispered on the mic – their extended hands touching, lips turned slightly mischievous as if they were living a second secretive and magical life only they could see from up there.
And then, Sirius.
God, Sirius, singing
the way the blue could pull me in
if they only could
at least i would lose this sense of sensing
Remus was sure he had seen that shade of blue a few times in life – in the space between the gleaming stars contrasting with the darkness of everything else; in the distant ocean he woke up to every morning when home. From above the stage, if he squinted enough up there, he was sure Sirius was as divine as any constellation could ever wish to be; deeper than all the water in this vast, vast planet. In between his voice,
You make me feel like I'm home again
You make me feel like I'm fun again
he saw everything. There are these moments and it can only happen once in a lifetime, twice if you are lucky enough, where you see someone and you just know. This certainty throbbing inside your chest, engraving words in your ribs and making sure you're not made of blood and muscle and flesh anymore but of this aching feeling of want.
Remus John Lupin was outside of Moonage trying to light a cigarette. In the name of honesty, he saw a star shining so brightly that –again– he was about to run – and as the audience already know – like a coward. Fuck the plan, we run like men seemed about right for him. A group of friends stopped him, almost as a human barrier interrupting his escape. Two of the girls were talking loudly about wanting an autograph before they got too big and went world-touring and forgot about their origins or something. The minute Remus turned to, as established, run, Sirius and the rest of the band stumbled outside holding their instruments. The concert had ended and they were ready to throw everything inside the van, drink a couple of beers and sleep for thirteen hours – that's what Lily said to Remus when she caught him trying to leave. Meet us at the parking lot? (...) Yes, sure, Remus said, not lying at all.
Sirius, who was loud and bright and so much bigger than life itself –yes, Remus was ready to admit he was quite pathetic about him– exchanged greetings with the few people waiting outside and went on to autograph the napkin the two girls were holding while their other friends complimented Pandora's unique style which, you know, you are so ahead of your time, they were saying.
Remus patted his jeans, looking for his train ticket and before the god's could abandon him again to his own cowardice, extended the piece of paper towards Sirius. They were not very distant and he could see the gleam of burning blue on his face.
An autograph? For the boy who looks like the moon, he said and smiled and.
Fuck that. Can I get a kiss instead?
All the air left Remus' lung. He was drawing in nothingness as if being in space, sucking air and just being met with...
Sirius' smile grew bigger, bolder. Sure.
In the background, someone said Lupin is so bad at this. Not smooth at all.
Shut up Reg.
If I knew we could ask for a kiss I would hav…
and then.
Everything.
A pec.
A tectonic plate moving underneath the Earth.
Stars, billions of light-years from our blue spot, dying. Its light radiating towards us, infinitely.
Sirius Black was warm and his lips tasted like strawberry, vodka and holiness. His hands were on Remus neck, on his hair –fuck, his hair, that was not fair at all– and the peck was The Peck, capital letters, etc. In the awards of pecs, Remus was sure this one was the Holy Grail.
Remus melted, his hands resting on Sirius' shoulders or waist or arms or… whatever. Everywhere. When he stepped away – because he had to, Sirius seemed pretty contempt in not and Remus was not sure he could spend another second in that pec without making a fool out of himself by whimpering or moaning or just going into his knees and pleading – everyone was looking at him like Oh my god, did you just did that?
So in December 1990, Remus Lupin kissed a star. Or, you know, as close as you can touch one and not die. He is sure he did, at least a little bit but he survived to tell the story. He hoped he would kiss him again, that they would tour England and go back to Oxford to kiss on the library shelters and at Remus' crappy dorm room and at all the pubs where beer was sheep and music was played to make the blood in your veins sing. He hoped to survive Sirius, and life, and grad school so he could ask Pandora for a baby and raise it with Sirius on a sea-side house in Scotland where they would build something resembling a home.
He hoped, and hoped, and hoped that he could build inside of Sirius all the cathedrals where he would be worshiped and remembered. Turn into something transient and beautiful and be gouged by love.
★
Hey, Regulus Arcturus Black, I never got to ask you.
Hm?
What did James say when you asked him to marry you?
(...)
Oh. Oh, he just said yes.