They were up at the Astronomy Tower again. They came every second Saturday evening when the rest of the castle was asleep. It was nearing 3 am. They had been talking for hours. No matter how the conversation started it always ended like this. Spilling their guts, usually stress about upcoming exams, about something no one else knew, something that they needed to get off their chests. It was a Saturday evening just like this one at the beginning of 5th year when Remus had told James he had fallen in love with Sirius. James, already knowing that Sirius felt the same and had since the end of 3rd year, told Remus that he should go for it. Remus did and they had been dating ever since.
They had been discussing the approaching end of school, talking about life after Hogwarts when the conversation had veered onto their lives in the far future. It had gotten dark quickly. Discussions of the war, and the people they had already lost. How Remus felt as though this war would break them. James had tried to be optimistic. But he knew he was right. This war would be the end of them, one way or another.
“I can’t talk about this stuff with anyone. Sirius has his fucked up family and he’s so dead-set on joining the order, Peter doesn’t get it, he never really formed his own opinions on it, just went along with what was expected.” Remus squeezed his eyes shut in exasperation, keeping them closed as he took a steadying breath. “I’m just tired of it. I’m so exhausted. I feel like there’s nothing left to give anymore. I nod along when Sirius goes on one of his rants because I know if I don’t he’ll get pissy. I feel like such a coward but I don’t want to fight. I feel as if my life’s just been one blow after the other. The other two don’t understand. Sometimes I think you’re the only one who does.” Remus turned to face James, tears welling in his eyes.
“What do you mean?” James didn’t get it. Why was Remus comparing the two? Remus probably had the most challenging life out of all four of them. James’ pain was insignificant compared to his.
“I know you suffer James.” Remus closed his eyes, his tears collecting on his lashes.
No. James was fine, he had to be. His feelings didn’t matter, didn’t compare.
“I know you think you shouldn’t feel the way you do. I know because I’ve felt it before. I’ve seen the signs. I know you’re in pain. I know you’re so desperately sad that it’s become normal. I know you’re angry and you wish you weren’t. I see you smile, but it doesn’t quite reach your eyes like it used to. I see your suffering.” Remus paused and opened his eyes to stare straight at him. “I see you, James.”
James couldn’t breathe, suddenly Remus’ stare was too much. James looked down at the castle grounds. This wasn’t right. James was fine. He was fine. He had to be. He had to look after the others. He was happy to look after the others. Why was Remus saying this? How did he know?
“I shouldn’t feel that way.” Remus looked at him with something akin to desperation.
“Why shouldn’t you?” He didn’t know. Not really. He told himself that it didn’t matter how he felt, he was supposed to be the happy one, and he was fine with that. He was. Really, truly okay with being the one people told their problems to, the one they went to when they needed comfort. He was okay with that, but he was tired of pretending that he was okay. He wanted to let his guard down and Remus was giving him an out. James took it.
“It’s wrong.” James saw him open his mouth to interrupt, but before he could, James continued. “It’s wrong to feel this way because there’s nothing wrong with me.” He took in a shuddering breath and faced Remus, who was watching him, looking at him, really looking and waiting for him to continue. Giving him space to whisper his sins to the stars.
“I have a perfect life. I have great friends, an amazing girlfriend, and perfect grades. I’m a wizard for Merlin's sake. I have it all. I have everything I could ever want.”
“So?” As if everything he had just told Remus didn’t matter. James couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He looked back at him. Staring incredulously.
“So? That’s all you have to say? So?” Remus didn’t answer. Just continued to look at him. “So, I shouldn’t feel this way. I get why you lot do. You have all had shit things happen to you.” James paused, collecting his thoughts.
“Peter gets picked on, and I try to help, but I can’t hex people anymore now that I’m Head Boy and no one else really cares that he’s being bullied. Sirius’ family is utter scum and I still see the way it hurts to look at his brother, someone he still loves despite how much he denies it, turning into exactly what his parents wanted both of them to be. He’s living with me now and it’s great because he’s so much happier but I know nothing I ever do will truly help him.”
“You don’t have to help him. It’s not your job to take care of us.”
“But it is! That’s what I do. I help people!” Remus didn’t understand it. For a second James thought he did but he never would. This was James’ duty.
“You don’t get it, Remus. I hate seeing my friends fall apart. You most of all. Fuck. Everything that’s ever happened to you is unfair. It’s like there’s an evil spirit out to get you. Were you a serial killer in your past life?” Remus looked down, smiling without mirth.
“You’ve had to go through something so awful, so beyond your control every month since you were 4 and you will for the rest of your life and it’ll never get better. You’re in constant pain every day and I want to take it all away. If I could take your pain, if I could transfer your suffering to me I would do it in a heartbeat. I want to help you and we’ve tried, but I don’t know what else there is to do. Fuck, even your life expectancy is low,” James laughed, he didn’t know why, he wasn’t in a laughing mood. Nothing he said was funny. Perhaps it was the irony of the situation. Remus, so full of love, so full of life and so deserving of it, would live a short one. A life in constant pain until the devil stalking the sheep would claim him in death. “It’s all so shit.” James was crying now. Remus was as well. But he was still quiet, still watching James struggle through his thoughts.
“All 3 of you have legitimate reasons to feel shitty. I don’t. It’s wrong.” James laughed again, hysteria caressing his mind like the loving hand of misery. Remus touched his cheek and guided his face to look at him.
“You don’t have to be wrong to feel wrong.” James sobbed. Tears falling in quick streams down his flushed face. Remus just wiped his tears away.
“James, you are the kindest person I have ever met. You’re caring, you’re loving, you’re strong,” James couldn’t stop crying. “But being strong doesn’t mean you can’t feel weak. You love with every fibre of your being. You’re so wonderful and I count myself so lucky to know you. To call you my friend.” Remus smiled once more. “You feel sad and angry, and you feel as though you shouldn’t, but feeling that way doesn’t make you any less. I’ve come to realise that the happiest people, the ones that try to make you laugh and smile are so often the loneliest. But you’re not alone James.”
James didn’t know how he was still crying. He felt empty. Lost. Seen.
As if reading his thoughts, Remus continued. “It’s okay to feel lost. To feel helpless.”
“Then why does it hurt so much?” Remus pulled him into a hug, gripping him so tightly that James felt that just for a second, everything else didn’t matter. Just for a moment, he thought of all the times he’s hugged someone, but he couldn’t recall ever being given one himself, at least from someone who wasn’t his mother. He had always told people that nothing heals quite like a hug from someone you love, someone who loves you. He had never really believed it himself until now. James thought that if he ever was hugged by someone, it didn’t compare to being wrapped in Remus’s arms, circling around him, holding him still. Holding him up as his limbs relaxed and his body sagged. Righting the spin of the earth, keeping him steady, keeping him safe. And though he still ached, and suffered, and sobbed, he found that the world stopped mattering when he was in his embrace. All that mattered was that Remus had looked at him, looked past his bravado and his charm and saw what lay beneath. Saw how unhappy he truly was and decided to do something about it.
“This conversation can stay between us. If you want. But you should know. Peter, Lily, Sirius. They won’t look at you any differently. I don’t either. You can show them this side of you and they won’t turn away. You have to know that James. We would never do something to hurt you. We all love you so much. We care so much. Your pain is worth something. Your suffering isn’t for nothing. You can lose yourself. Break down. Fall apart. And we’ll be there to catch you.” James could do nothing but completely relax into Remus’ jumper and shift his head against his shoulder in acceptance.
Remus got it. He knew. He knew.
Remus just hugged him tighter, as if his love alone could mend the broken pieces inside him. James thought that maybe it could.