Long handwritten note, deep in your pocket
Words, how little they mean, when you're a little too late
I stood right by the tracks, your face in a locket
Regulus watched the children of Hogwarts hop on and off the Hogwarts express. He was about to enter his sixth year. As the last black heir, Sirius, left, Walburga wouldn’t stop fussing over him. He was stood awkwardly beside his mother, with flat, gelled hair and freshly ironed clothes. As his mother was talking, he kept an eye out for Sirius. His eyes wandered around the train station without moving his head. He secretly hoped his brother was doing alright. As soon as he heard the final sound of the train, signalling its departure, Regulus managed to sneak away from his mother, just in time to hop on to a carriage. He looked out the window for a split second, his mother was deep in conversation and hadn’t realise he'd left.
He picked up his trunk and was about to wander down the aisle looking for a compartment or maybe even his friends. He spotted Sirius out of the corner of his eye. Sirius had let his hair grow out and it now reached his shoulders, he was wearing strange muggle clothes, which included a leather jacket and doc martens boots. Regulus almost didn’t recognise him. He went from being the heir to the most Noble and Ancient House of Black to... this.
But before Regulus could come back to his senses, Sirius was already gone, he was about to enter a compartment with three other boys and a girl Regulus didn’t recognise. He decided it was best to wait a moment before barging in and excusing Sirius. That’s if he even listened to him. Regulus knew the chances of he and Sirius actually having a conversation was at an all time low.
A moment passed and Regulus couldn’t wait any longer. He took a shallow breath and made sure he still had the paper in his pocket. He stood outside the steamy compartment, the door was locked shut and he could barely see through it. He clenched his shaky fists and knocked twice. Everyone in the carriage who was deep in conversation, looked his way. Sirius scowled. Regulus saw James whisper something to him, then get up and unlock the door.
The smell of tobacco hit him in an instant and he resisted the urge to cough. “Sirius.” Regulus peered over James’s arm, ignoring him completely. “Sirius, I need to speak to you.” Regulus said again, after being ignored the first time.
“Tell mother, or Bellatrix, or whoever it is that I'm done with their shit. Leave, Regulus.” Sirius replied, still not looking his way. Regulus felt his heart skip a beat. His words stung, they shouldn't've. But they did, they really did.
“Please, Sirius. It's not anything to do with them.” Regulus found himself pleading, he hardened his voice slightly. “I need to speak to you. I’m not leaving until you speak to me.” This earned a scowl from Sirius and a sympathetic look from James. Sirius stood, his eyebrows knotted into a frown.
“Whatever you want to say , you can say it in front of everyone.” He gestured to everyone in the compartment with his arms, but everyone had tried to occupy themselves, not looking at the scene the black brothers were causing. Regulus chose to ignore Sirius and stand in the doorframe, giving Sirius a glare that meant, not here.
Sirius finally took the hint, he ducked under James’s arm and joined Regulus in the narrow aisle. James slowly shut the compartment door with a concerned look on his face.
“So, spit it out then,” Sirius scowled again.
“Look Sirius,” Regulus was becoming annoyed by his brother’s foul mood. He hadn’t even done anything yet. “I’m not here to argue with you, I wanted to give you this.” Regulus dug inside his trouser pocked and pulled out his handwritten note and awkwardly handed it to Sirius. Sirius just looked at it cautiously before taking it out of his hand slowly. “Promise me you’ll read it?”
“This isn’t a prank right,” Sirius looked up to meet his brother’s eyes, frowning. “No.” Regulus sighed. “I wrote it myself. For you.” Regulus cringed at his own choice of words. He always found It was easier to write than talk. He hadn’t been in contact with Sirius since he had left, and he hoped this was good enough to make up for it. Sirius smiled at him, ever so slightly.
“Cheers, Regulus.” Sirius shoved the long note in his pocket before opening the compartment door again. Regulus watched him enter, then walked away quickly. Sirius had always called him ‘Reggie’ or ‘Reg’ he never called him by his full name. ‘This is how he sees me now, a stranger, an enemy’ Regulus thought to himself. The only person allowed to call him 'Reg' was Sirius, and hearing his full name come out of his mouth made Regulus's heart tighten.
He found one of the bathrooms on the train and locked himself inside. He casted a permanent sticking charm to the door and a silencing spell to the whole room. The room began to heat up quickly as he sobbed silently. He didn’t even need to put up the silencing spell, but he thought it was best to play it safe. He never wanted to be seen like this. He poured all his feelings into that letter, he gave it to, his brother, who was now apparently a stranger. Regulus cried harder as he thought about what Sirius might have done with his letter. He could’ve read it out to all of his friends in the compartment, and laugh at his pathetic attempt to translate his feelings onto parchment. The Sirius he knew, or used to know, would never do that.
Regulus, his chest rising and falling quickly, realised the locket on his chest. It was a replica of Slytherins locket; all apart of his plan to defeat the dark lord. No one knew about it, not even Kreature. He ripped the chain from behind his neck and held the golden locket in his fingers. It was heavy with memory. Inside was a photo he managed to save of him and Sirius when they were little. His parents were burning all the pictures they had of Sirius, which wasn’t many, and Regulus managed to save one. One the perfect size for his locket.
The more he looked at he and his brothers innocent faces, the heavier his chest felt. His chest felt like it was on fire, his reddening face had a similar feeling.
*
Sirius,
I know I am probably the last person you want to talk to, but I'm sorry. I’m sorry for everything you did for me back at that house and I wanted you to know I am so grateful for that. You are the best brother I could’ve ever asked for and I hope you’re doing well. This is really difficult for me to write so this will come out really weird but I just really wanted you to know that I don’t hate you. Mother and Father are burning all the photos of you and I. Like how they burned you off the family tree. But I managed to save one. I don’t think you want to have it but I thought I should give it to you as I have my copy. Reggie.
In dreams, I meet you in warm conversation
We both wake in lonely beds, different cities
And time is taking its sweet time erasing you
Regulus ached everywhere, especially around his chest. He went straight to bed as soon as he arrived at Hogwarts, skipping dinner, which he now regretted. He couldn’t move any part of his body. He was still thinking about Sirius and the letter. God he really fucked up with the letter. Anyone could read it and know exactly how he felt. Regulus feared that. He hated opening up to people, he knew despite their protests, they all judged him, his way of thinking and especially his family. And as the only Black heir, everyone was relying on him to do the things Sirius didn’t and couldn’t. Expectations were at an all time high, Regulus was glad to be at Hogwarts, but for he first time he was dreading the year ahead. He was dreading having to pass Sirius in the halls when he held all of Regulus’s deep thoughts. The last thing he could remember before he dozed off was Sirius saying his full name in his cold voice that stung him, ‘Regulus’.
He dreamt, much to his despair, about he and Sirius. But they had made up, Regulus still felt how happy he was in the dream, when he woke up hours later at 3am. He remembered Sirius telling him he could get him out of Grimmauld place and into a safe home. He remembered Sirius hugging him for the first time in years. He remembered he and Sirius having matching lockets with both their pictures inside, the one Regulus saved, in there. He knew it could never be true. That was what made Regulus cry for the tenth time that night, silently of course. He knew his sixth year at Hogwarts was going to be the worst yet.