Sirius rushed into the room and threw a bag at Regulus. He caught it then froze when he realised what it meant.
“Reggie, pack your bags, we’re getting out of here.” His older brother said, usually perfectly styled hair messed up and a bruise beginning to blossom across his face.
Regulus didn’t move.
“Reggie?” Sirius asked, confused. He paused his frantic packing and looked at his younger brother.
“Sirius, I’m not leaving.” Regulus stated. Meeting Sirius’s shocked gaze with a mask of coldness. Internally, he was panicking, but no one could know that. Sirius couldn’t know that.
He wished that Sirius would stop tempting him with the thoughts of leaving when he knew that one of them had to stay. Orion and Walburga would never let them both escape from the hell that was the house. Regulus wished that Sirius would realise this and just leave. Now he has to play the bad guy. He wishes he wouldn’t have to, but it’s the only way to make sure that Sirius won’t come back and try to ‘save’ him.
Everything needs a sacrifice. In potions it’s the items used. In moving, in breathing, in living, it’s energy used by the body. In this- for Sirius to leave; for Sirius to be happy, Regulus is willing to be that sacrifice.
He will be the heir of The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. He will stay. He will learn how to play the part. He will lie about his intentions. He will deceive every other member of society into believing that he is the perfect son. He will make his brother hate him so that Sirius can be happy. Only one of them can escape and Regulus will make sure that it’s Sirius.
They’d never had a proper childhood; Orion and Walburga had never let them grow up like normal children. They had had to learn the harshness of life from birth without being sheltered by cruel truths by their parents. Hogwarts had softened Sirius. Regulus could tell. So, Sirius could not keep up the calm facade that Regulus could.
“W-What do you mean?” Sirius’s mask cracked instantly and revealed his panic through the rage. “I’m not leaving you! You’re my little brother! Reggie, this is madness! We can leave together, we can be happy together! You know what they’ll do! Please, come with me. Please. I know you want to leave as much as me. We’ve talked about this. There’s no way in hell that you’ve changed your mind that easily. What’s wrong?” Sirius asked.
He knew Regulus better than anyone, of course he saw through it. This was going to be difficult and it was going to hurt. Regulus mentally braced himself and tucked the ‘good’ in him, the parts of him that Sirius praised him for, away in the back of his mind so that they wouldn’t interfere with this. There was a saying going back to Ancient Greek times that there are ‘necessary evils’ that have to be done. For Regulus, this is one of them.
So, he became everything that the Black family wanted from him and everything that he and Sirius despised. Regulus only wished that he would be able to come back again as he prepared to break Sirius’s heart in all the ways that only he could. Regulus knew all of his brother’s secrets. All his insecurities, and he was prepared to exploit them all to keep Sirius safe. Even if it meant his brother hating him too. Regulus became a monster to save the only person who had ever shown him love even though it meant losing that love.
Regulus laughed. It was a sinister laugh, in that moment, he could see how he and Bellatrix were related. Then he looked Sirius up and down with an incredulous gaze before scoffing and shaking his head. “Go with you? Is that even a question? Why would I want anything to do with you? You’re a disgrace, Sirius. You don’t deserve to be called a Black. You don’t deserve to be related to me. I have no ulterior motives, I only speak the truth, but it’s up to you if you want to accept it or not. You probably won’t though? Will you? You’re trying so, so desperately to deny my words, to find a reason why I’m not coming with you. But really, it’s obvious. Why would I throw away my title, my family name, everything! For a fuck up like you? Why would I ruin my life for a coward who runs away from all his problems? Run away, brother, run away.” Regulus laughed again. Even though inside, his heart was breaking. From one look at Sirius, he was feeling the same way.
Sirius looked horrified. “Reggie, what have they done to you?” He whispered, “Why are you saying these things? Please, I don’t know what they told you, but you’ll be safe with me. I’ll protect you.” Sirius promised, looking determined.
Fuck. Regulus hoped that Sirius would give up after that, but he was going to have to cut deeper. He raised an eyebrow at Sirius, “No one has done anything to me. I’m just finally being myself. Now that you’re leaving, I don’t have to lie to you anymore. I agree with everything that Mother and Father say, everything they have ever said has been true. Every punishment has been for your own good. Do you ever wonder why you’re the only one who makes our parents angry? It’s because you’re the problem. Not them. It’s you. When are you going to realise that? Your damaged goods, Sirius. It’s for the best that you realise, really. Why do you think that mother and father are letting you go? It’s because you’re worthless.” Regulus turned away, unable to stomach keeping on looking at the expression on Sirius’s face. His brother had started crying! He had made his brother cry! Regulus hated himself and hoped that Sirius would just leave soon so that he could stop leaking these poisonous words, let his walls down and cry.
He continued, turning around again, and faked surprise, “Why are you still here?” Regulus waved his hand towards the door, rings sparkling in the candlelight which reflected Sirius’s pain to him in waves.
“Re-Regulus please. That- that isn’t true!” Sirius choked out through tears. “Don’t do this! Don’t make me leave you. This isn’t you! Please. Please come with me. Please. You’re my brother, I can’t lose you! I love you and I know that you love me too! So please, snap put of this and let’s go”
Regulus looked positively disgusted when inside his head was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. He couldn’t hold on much longer. Sirius had to leave. So he pulled his final card from his sleeve and gave up on his hopes of Sirius ever forgiving him or ever looking at him in the same way again.
“Love you?” Regulus scoffed, “Whatever did I do to make you think I loved you? I hate you, Sirius. I. Hate. You. You’re trying to RUIN my fucking life. Can’t you realise that? Or are you too self centred to see? I don’t love you. I’ve never loved you. I’m sorry if you ever thought that I did.” Sirius looked at Regulus in pure horror at the words Regulus was spitting out with the only intent to harm Sirius.
Regulus laughed again. Then looked at Sirius coldly, “You can leave now, but I want you to know one thing and I want you to remember this.” Regulus walked forwards until he was eye to eye with his brother and then smiled before saying clearly, “I want you to know that no one will ever love, care about, or miss you when you run away from them. I wish you were never born so that I would never have to deal with your bullshit and I want you to know that whoever you run away to will never truly care about you. It’s time for you to learn a lesson Sirius, no one cares about you unless there’s something to gain from it, and you, you have nothing.” Regulus stared at Sirius for a second longer before turning away so that Sirius couldn’t see the tears beginning to trail down his face.
“Leave.” Regulus demanded sharply. That seemed to snap Sirius out of whatever stupor he had been in because Regulus heard the door open, close, and then Sirius’s footsteps quickly fade away.
That was when Regulus let himself break. He crumpled to the ground in a heap. The polar opposite of the monster that had just possessed his body. Regulus cried ugly tears and his heart fractured again and again into a shattered mess in his chest. He knew that he had to do it, but that didn’t make it any better. Regulus hated himself for saying those things. He didn’t mean a single one. He cried and he cried and he cried. He cried until he had no tears left to cry. He cried until Kreacher came to warn him that Orion and Walburga were going to be coming soon.
As Regulus fixed his appearance to hide the tears and put his mental and emotional mask of indifference on, he felt the knife in his heart which he had placed and prayed to every god that he knew of, even though he believed in none of them, for just one chance to make this right. In the future. For now, he was the heir to The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, and he had to act like it. So, as he glared at the monster he saw in the mirror, he promised himself that he would do anything he could to try to make things right with his brother. The brother he had to protect. The brother he drove away.
A knock came from his door and Regulus Arcturus Black answered it with a blank mask hiding his heartbreak and a promise to keep.
*****
Sirius felt both nothing and everything. Every happy memory with Regulus; were they really all a lie? Regulus hated him. Regulus didn’t love him. Sirius was dying on the inside and he needed someone to help him put together the pieces.
*****
When James had opened the door in the middle of the night in pouring rain, he had not expected to see Sirius curled up in a ball on the Potter’s doorstep. He picked up Sirius, called for his mother and focused on getting Sirius warm whilst his mother healed Sirius’s bruised face. Tears were leaking from his eyes but Sirius had yet to move or speak. Vision fixed on the middle distance and not responding to touch or anything that James said. He was worried. He had never seen Sirius like this anymore and it scared James more than anything had ever scared him before. Not being able to help the people he cared about most was one of James’s greatest fears.
The next day and the day after that, Sirius was in the same, catatonic state and James hoped that he would get better, or that he could just do something. Anything! But his mother said that Sirius needed time.
It took a day more before Sirius moved, and it was only to eat and drink a little before falling back again. It took a week more before Sirius was active more than in the still state that scared James to death. It took a week after that for Sirius to speak. It took a months before Sirius acted at all similarly to how he had before the incident. It took a year for Sirius to confide in James what had happened and over a year later, James could tell that Sirius hadn’t fully recovered yet, even though he pretended that he had.
Recovery was slow, but James could tell that Sirius was healing. In every laugh, in every kind word, and in every reassurance that the Marauders would always be there for each other.
There were still certain dates where the four of them: Sirius, Remus, James and Peter would curl up together on a bed comforting Sirius as he cried his eyes out, but why were always there for each other. They could get better. Together.
*****
As the bony hands of the inferi pulled him down to the depths of the cursed lake and blurry, dark spots danced across his eyes, Regulus smiled. His sacrifice would not been in vain. Sirius had a new, better family who he trusted and who cared about. He relaxed in the knowledge that he could rest easy. His vision was almost covered in the black and his lungs burned. Everything hurt. The inferi clawed and tire at his skin, finding purchase. To this day, Regulus didn’t know why he hadn’t given up already; why he kept holding on to life. He was dragged down, down, down, there was a flicker of black in the corner of his eye. But it was a different type of black. What-
Then there were strong hands ripping him out of the inferi’s clawing grasps and pulling him up to the surface. His limp body was dragged by the collar of his shirt up the shore of the island before the hands disappeared. As he spewed up water and tears filled his eyes, Regulus looked up to see an avenging angel twirl a flaming sword before facing off the inferi. Matching their ferocity and numbers with grace and a practiced ease in the fighting. The angel sidestepped attacks before swinging the sword cleanly through them like a hot knife through butter.
When his lungs were cleared, Regulus collapsed to the ground from the pain and then after what seemed like a second, he was being carefully lifted up into a bridal carry. As his consciousness began to fade, Regulus looked up and saw his brother for the first time in years. Wet hair obscuring part of his face, but it was undeniably Sirius. Why was he here? Why did he come back? Regulus didn’t know but he had to say it.
“I- I love you.” Regulus croaked out, his throat was still wracked with pain from the poison, but he had to say the words he’d been longing to say to his brother after so many years.
As his vision faded away once again, Regulus felt safe for the first time in almost a decade in his older brother’s arms. “I love you too, Regulus.” Were the last words he heard before the black void of sleep claimed him. Taking him away from the burning of the poison in his veins and the torn flesh from the inferi’s clawed hands. Regulus would have his chance. Regulus would explain himself and then together, the two brothers could finally recover from the pain they had suffered apart.