The moon was rising and only that evening would he have too face it. He felt hot and restless. Remus knew that he would be lethargic and queasy a few days after it. But at the moment he was antsy, pacing around their common room, his blood boiling under the surface. The wolf eager to stick out it’s ugly snout.
He climbed into bed, trying to read but to no avail. His skin felt hot and prickly so, as he was all alone,he took his shirt off. He felt itchy and he scratched the silver and rosey scars stretching across his chest and back.
There where a few scars he had on his back from different causes than his monthly transformations. Matron had always liked the whip, she used it when someone had been particularly disobedient. The cane would suffice for normal occasions. Those scars were straighter, more precise than his other scars. He couldn’t help but feel that the scars after his transformations were worse than the others since they were proof, proof of the monster he tried to ignore.
Still he had never told anyone about his scars, he felt it was too private. St Edmunds was a seperate part of him, another part he kept under lock and key, trying to ignore. It felt like he did that with most things.
He lay on his side after having closed the curtain. If any of the others were to walk in they wouldn’t be able to see the scars.
One of his favourite past times except for reading and plotting was using wandless, wordless magic. Magic felt different to him, he could sense it all around him, draw from it and from himself, letting it fill him up.
He focused on feeling the static in the air buzz around him. A feeling of tickling power rushed through him as the book he had been trying to read began to float in the air, sailing through the air at his leisure. It soothed his nerves doing this. Like the scars he had not told anyone about it, he didn’t wan’t to brag. Sirius knew though, he had caught him once and had then wanted to see more. And really what was the point in denying Sirius that? It made him happy to see Sirius’s face light up in amazement.
He focused, going deeper into his power as he also lifted the empty cup of tea, a burnt out fag and an empty chocolate frog package. They twirled around in the air for a bit before the fags stubbed end caught on fire, slowly disintegrating it into a fine ash.
He was so immersed that he did not hear the footsteps behind him nor the additional heartbeat. Just as the curtains rattled open he caught that scent.
Remus could smell all people and follow their trail like a drug-dog (kinda funny as he is a dog that takes drugs, in Sirius’s opinion anyway when he found out he could smell people).
It was too late to do anything though he tried to hide his back, even after he heard the horrified gasp of shock behind him. He was sitting upright, pulling the duvet firmly around himself.
“Moony” Sirius began his voice trembling slightly.
Remus felt disgusting like a foul rotten part of him had been revealed. The werewolf scars were worse but he was still deeply ashamed of the ones by matron’s hand.
“What? Why?!” Sirius asked, beseeching him.
Remus forced his face into a carefully neutral mask. It helped calm him down, diverted his attention.
“Who. Did. This. To. You.?” Sirius growled, dangerously.
Despite himself a small part of him felt touched by Sirius’s protectiveness. No one had ever tried to protect him before. Maybe the other marauders but they didn’t seem vengeful for the blood of the people who had hurt him. Sirius looked like he wanted to personally make them pay and he would enjoy it.
“Matron” Remus tried to shrug to match his indifferent expression.
Sirius anger seemed to turn on him as he shouted “Why didn’t you tell me?!”
Remus did not know what to tell him. Had he been trying to spare his feelings? Yes, partly but mostly he was embarrassed. Every time he had opened up to anyone it had felt like a physical weight holding him back, making his heart thump wildly in his chest. The promised relief of sharing your feelings, of opening up, never came. So he always dreaded sharing personal information and some things, he thought, should not be shared.
He could handle it and wasn’t in danger exactly. Not from matron anyway. It would only cause harm to alert his friends. Then he was kicked out, free of her and something to be left behind him. He didn’t wan’t to think about her so he tried to suff her into one of those boxes of things he forced himself not to think about. In it was his fathers dead eyes, his mother walking away, Greyback biting into his stomach, his first transformation, every transformation, the Snape incident, werewolf stuff, St Edmunds or the clawing rage that clutched his soul.
“I don’t-“ Remus began not even sure what he was going to say.
“I showed you mine” Sirius roared.
He performed muffliato to muffle the sound of Sirius fit of rage.
“Oi you have seen mine too” Remus protested.
It was true he had been consciously making sure Sirius never saw his back. He was a top and there was no reason for him to see his back.
“You know what i mean” Sirius yelled back.
And Remus did know.
“It dosen’t even matter!” Remus shouted, feeling his carefully constructed mask slip.
Sirius beautiful dark blue eyes flecked with sharp icy silver gleamed with outrage. His black curly hair falling backwards as he raised his head in indignation. High cheekbones cutting like knives against his week defences.
***
Sirius POV
He could feel rage boil in the pit of his stomach. He felt it both at Remus for not telling him and for anyone, anyone who hurt his moony.
But why didn’t he tell him? Sirius showed him his. He thought most of Remus struggles to trust him was behind them. They had talked about his parents, not much but Sirius knew to some extent how he felt about it other than the usual “fine” he always answered everyone else. Everyone but him. He was supposed to be the one Remus trusted, broke down his walls to be with.
Sirius knew that crumbling the walls down entirely was probably not possible, whatever people said he was no fool. Though he had thought, wished really, that they were coming down, brick by brick, leaving only a low passable barrier between them. Knowing Remus still hid things from him hurt, a lot. Remus had his secrets but they were unfurling, letting him add pieces to the never ending puzzle that was his Moony.
Every night before he fell asleep, little spoon, in his arms he would would whisper “tell me a secret, something you never told me”. And Remus would answer, in the past he would have raised his shackles, turned to stone and turned him down.
He would whisper about things that had previously seemed odd and then made perfect sense.
Remus advised Peters sister to run off to america, Remus helped him get out of the engagement, Remus started dealing stolen drugs at 12 to buy them christmas and birthday gifts.
They had been doing it every night for months yet there was still always more to uncover.
In the beginning Remus would make some remark about sleeping in his own bed as to not be found out but the idea of sleeping alone made his stomach churn. He had slept in James bed many times and it was reassuring not to be alone.
But once he started sleeping cuddled up in Remus arms he knew he would never wan’t to sleep another way. If James presence was reassuring, Remus’s was warmth itself, settling into his very core. He would stroke Sirius’s hair and kiss his cheek, temple, neck and finally lips before settling his chin over his head. His arms felt safe against his body. Though Remus was thin and gangly he was remarkably strong. He was a lot stronger than even James.
In Remus arms he felt small but not in a bad way. Remus was tall and would make anyone except Hagrid seem small in comparison. When they were in bed Remus seemed so protective of him, it made his heart ache. Like he was something precious that needed to be guarded above all else. He liked it, Remus pressed close against him, protecting him from the world with his body, as if he could stand in the way of any harm that could come their way. And Sirius pretended with him.
Every night Remus would whisper “good night my brightest star”.
His heart twisted as he thought about their nights where he lay cradled in Moonys arms.
But here he was again, shackles raised. He didn’t look to angry, mostly defensive and embarrassed.
“It does matter!” Sirius argued back, remembering to answer back.
“It’s not a big deal, i can take care of stuff like that” Remus started to sound more closed off.
He did that when he felt something too strongly, his solution seemed to be to try and shut it all off entirely. Sirius hated it.
He pulled out the big guns, the highest card he had.
“So mine doesn’t matter, none if it matters to you, for any of us?” Sirius knew he had struck gold when Remus met his gaze. He was already livid.
It didn’t take that much to make him angry, as if the wolf was always lurking out of sight. In their first year he was so unstable that anyone who said a nasty word to him had ended up in the hospital wing. He didn’t seem to get hurt by the insults as if he had heard them all to many times but was getting pissed at them for daring to approach him.
In later years he had controlled his anger issues. He had always been good at hiding his emotions except maybe his rage. But then he hadn’t tried to hide it, he wanted to scare them. He became more open with them, you could never call him an open person but he was less of a brick wall. He usally no longer bothered to punch someone for using petty taunts.
Only when you said or did something that truly made him see red, his poised mask cracked into pieces. His jaw tensing and his brow furrowing over his eyes.
His eyes always signalled danger when he was angry. It made Sirius heart thud in spite of himself, it was only his instincts, but he knew Remus could hear it and that he hated it a little too, deep down. Because he didn’t want to scare Sirius.
It wasn’t his most wolflike, powerful, deadly glare. When you saw that look you knew the end was coming. He had once had that look directed at him, right after he found out about Snape, before he started ignoring him.
“It’s not the same and you know it” Remus glared at him. His heart still raced and he saw something in Remus eyes shatter, break away, something fragile and vulnerable, wounded.
“It is the same. It’s exactly the same. Why the fuck wouldn’t it be?!” Sirius asked though he knew what surely must be going through the other boys head.
“Because your not a bloody fucking monster” Remus voice echoed in their little sound proof bubble. He gulped and tightened his jaw as if to hide it. The meaning of what he had sean finally really sunk into him. They had hurt his moony. That was what mattered, not that he’d hid it but that it had happened.
But then he felt angry with Remus again for ever, ever thinking he could be a monster. His sweet Moony that wore grandpa sweaters and chains, smoked fags and drank tea, read books and listened to David Bowie. His moony would- no could never be a monster.
“Don’t you dare say that” Sirius demanded, slamming him into the wall. He could easily have broke away but instead he did nothing only avoided Sirius burning gaze. “I said it because it’s true” Remus consisted and then pushed Sirius away. “How, how did they do… do it” Sirius pushed but his voice trembled slightly at the end, both with temper and with pain. Remus mumbled something indistinguishable. “What?” Sirius persisted. “Whip” Remus met his gaze.
An icy cold ran up his spine. His father had a whip and it was when any of them were in the mood for that instead of lacero. Apparently it gave more pleasure to see the weapon of your choice perform your bidding. It was just like lacero.
“But that is just like lacero!” Sirius exclaimed. Remus eyes turned dangerous. His heart began to thud in his ears again.
He strode swiftly up to him and pulled him against the wall. This was surprisingly gentle, quick but careful not to hurt him. The stone wall was cold against his increasingly warm back.
“You are not a fucking monster, your natural instinct around me is to run. I know how hard your heart is beating” Remus hissed. His gaze was boring into him. They weren’t just angry but something else to, something precious Sirius couldn’t quite place.
“I am not scared of you!” Sirius protested. He wasn’t really, he had only been really scared of him when he had looked at him that way after Snape. Other than that time it had just been his traitorous body.
“Don’t lie” Remus commanded. “It’s nothing, it’s over, i can take it” Remus voice was low, dangerous.
Sirius had to admit to himself that it was not only fear and adrenaline that made his heart beat, there was something inexplicably hot about him when he was mad, his jaw tense, the burning embers in his eyes, how his eyebrows pulled over his eyes.
“You don’t deserve pain” Sirius pushed him back with his hands, small on Remus chest. He had to focus, he had to make Remus understand and he couldn’t do that if his thoughts ran in different tracks.
Remus looked oddly bewildered as if the thought had never crossed him. Oh Moony, he thought sadly. Did his soft, sweet Moony really think he deserved to suffer, for something he had no control over?
Then anger returned. How could he think that? How could anyone tell him he deserved pain?
“You bloody martyr” he yelled which seemed to snap Remus back to his senses.
“I am not a martyr. There was nothing that could be done about it so no point in whinging. I’ve been through worse than that! She realised that pretty quickly” Remus fumed.
That only made him think about Greyback attacking little five year old Remus, which made him still more livid.
“You still should have told me! I told you” Sirius knew he sounded childish but he didn’t care.
“I didn’t wan’t to think about it!” Remus snapped. It looked like he was forcing some dark secret out. Like it was really hard for him to say.
“You can’t just hide away what you don’t wan’t to think about!” Sirius protested and he shoved him. Remus seemed to react instinctively and pushed him into the wall.
“Sure i can” Remus murmured, his eyes blown wide. His scarred fingers was on his shoulders holding him against the wall. They were as hot as fire. The scars crossing his face shon silver in the moonlight from outside the window.
“No, not from me you can’t!” He shoved Remus again but this time his hands went into his hair as he pulled their faces together.
Remus tasted of fiery passion and desperation. His breath was warm against his face. Remus hair twisted in his hands. A moan was torn from the back of his throat as Remus tongue twisted with his. A warm feeling spread through him. Remus’s teeth bit down gently on his bottom lip.
He pushed him against the closest bed which luckily enough was Remus’s. Sirius collapsed backwards onto the mattress and Remus climbed on top of him. There was a hungry wolfish look in his eyes that Sirius knew was the sign of something wonderful about to happen. His pupils big and and his eyes dark. Sirius hastily threw off his shirt. He just wanted to feel Remus everywhere. No he needed to feel him, it was much more acute than wan’t.
His fingers worked to pull off Remus shirt. Under was a scarred landscape, Sirius wanted to run his finger along every one of them but it wasn’t the time yet. Remus long scarred fingers worked the buttons of his pants, he had gotten very quick of late. Sirius begun working on Remus pants, tugging them off as Sirius’s own pants was ripped away by Moony’s insistent hands.
He tugged at Moonys underwear, wanting no more barriers between them. Remus begun kissing him, sucking and biting down on his neck, dragging moans out off him. Remus tongue went from his collarbone and earlobe making Sirius shiver, he could feel Remus smile. Sirius pulled of their underwear, wanting Remus closer, as close as possible.
Remus eyes were bright with emotion as his fingers rode down his belly, pressing down on the very parts of him straining with desire. A moan escaped him.
Remus rolled his hips above him, teasing. “Moony, please” Sirius moaned. That did it, it always did.
He came into him and Sirius gasped. Remus was always very gentle in the beginning. Sirius could feel Remus inside him, filling him up. A tingling spreading through him. He relaxed into it as his mouth met Remus’s. Sirius ran his hands over Remus scarred skin.
Remus pace soon quickened and Sirius was lost in the feeling. Feeling vulnerable but euphoric. He gasped with every thrust and tightened his grip on Remus shoulder and his hair in the other. Remus warm breath filling his mouth, kissing him passionately.
“Yes Moony, oh Moony” he murmured into the nape of his neck, into his mouth. Remus fingers moved all over him, igniting the skin with every touch. He always seemed to enjoy exploring him, mapping out his body. Sirius enjoyed it too, knowing Remus body as well as his own and knowing that he knew his.
Remus occasionally talked back. “Your bloody gorgeous” he whispered breathily in his ear, shivers of contentment spreading through him.
He kissed the thin skin of Remus’s neck, pressing down hard and sucking on it drawing a strangled moan from him. He always loved hearing his moans as he could feel Remus enjoying his.
He could feel the tension building but in a good way, as Remus went deeper in him, their skin pressed as close as possible.
The euphoric waves swallowed him whole. His eyes rolled back as he saw a flash of white. He could feel his toes curl as his body jerked uncontrollably. His voice nor body was no longer in his control as he succumbed to the feeling. It was so intense, almost like pain. The most amazing feeling. It felt like his body was exploding, the pleasure engulfing him. Stars dancing in his vision. Tingling warmth was spreading up his back and in his lower stomach, down and down. Spasms moving in his body, fizzing in his veins.
His sensitive member begun tickling, feeling hot. He knew it was the point of no return. A feeing of inevitability filling him. He let go and felt it pulsate as a stream of cum shot out of him.
The tickling warmth spread in his legs, to his thighs, making them almost numb. He knew that if he was standing he would have fallen, his knees to weak to carry him.
His breathing was heavy and then he started feeling Remus pulsating in him. Remus arched his back as a moan was torn from him. Sirius loved knowing that Remus was enjoying himself, in him. He pressed as close to him as he could.
Remus pressed his palm flat against his chest. New feelings surged through him. He could feel such tender care, affection, he could feel the euphoria overtaking him. Warmth filling him up as a shiver ran along his back. Pulsating heat in the pit of his groin and down. Deep intense joy running through him. A vulnerability but a nice one, close to a person he cared very much for, more than anyone else, more than any person he had ever known.
All started again as he could feel what he assumed was Remus emotions. Though it was very hard to think in his almost drunken state.
The bliss spreading through him, filling his very core. Remus emotions were still present as he tugged at his hair, bringing his lips down to his. The other boy was breathing hard, his warm breath entering his mouth in quick successions. He arched upwards, even closer to him. Remus fingers tracing patterns on his skin as he shattered. Everything going bright.
New waves of calm settled in him, making him happy and feeling slightly boneless. His eyelids grew heavier.
They clung to each other, breathless. Sirius could feel Remus heartbeat against his chest. The rapid pounding of his own was going down.
Remus pulled a strand of Sirius hair behind his ear, gazing into his eyes. His eyes were so deep, secrets hidden in them. As deep as the forests they wandered at night.
He pulled out gently and propped himself up, sweat shining on his pale, scarred skin. He rolled off, laying beside him instead.
“Was that you i felt earlier?” Sirius asked though he was convinced he was right.
“Which bit?” Remus asked dryly, a wicked smirk playing across his face, even as he looked down, avoiding his gaze.
That smile always made him fight a smile of his own.
“Was that your emotions?” Sirius clarified, rolling his eyes even as he suppressed a grin.
Remus cheeks went as red as a strawberry. He glanced up, meeting Sirius gaze. The smirk fell leaving only a small timid smile. “Eh yeah sorry” Remus mumbled sheepishly.
Sirius couldn’t understand what he was sorry about, it was marvelous.
“Don’t be sorry, it was amazing. Only, how did you do it?” Sirius asked, his curiosity growing.
“I just sorta transferred it to you, it was kind of an accident really… you know my magic becomes a bit er less controllable during the moon so it was eh harder to resist than usual” Remus explained, stuttering a bit.
He always got uncomfortable when they talked about wolf stuff but he did talk a bit about it so Sirius considered it a victory.
“Resist?” Sirius pushed.
“Yeah when i feel a lot it just sorta spills out me if i am not careful” Remus explained, his cheeks still crimson.
“I really don’t mind, it was bloody brilliant!” Sirius kissed his cheek. “Don’t hold it back on my part” he winked, feeling the heat of Remus skin under his lips.
He wrapped his arms around him, hands smoothing his back, the scars beneath his fingers. As his fingers pressed down on a point in his neck a hiss of pain escaped Remus. His muscles always seemed stiff before the moon. Most of it seemed to have gone away but a muscle was still ticking.
“Turn over” Sirius commanded. Remus eyes widened momentarily as he gulped.
“It’s fine” Remus reassured, though his moments before red cheeks were paling.
Sirius thought about the scars they had argued about. Shame crept up his spine. He shouldn’t have shouted at Remus for them, it wasn’t his fault and hadn’t he thought it immensely difficult sharing his?
“I shouldn’t have shouted at you” Sirius offered, diplomatically.
“I maybe should have told you” Remus conceded. He sighed and rolled over, revealing his back.
Sirius realized he had never seen Remus back and he wondered if he had been hiding it.
There were the usual mess of silver and light pink scars some redder than others from their previous moon. There many scars that looked different. The others looked more natural whilst these looked straight, sharp and cruel.
He took a sharp intake of breath before he could stop himself. Remus flinched and Sirius cursed himself, kneading away at Remus neck.
“You anxious, about tonight?” Sirius asked carefully.
“No more than usual” Remus replied like every time.
The thing was that he didn’t know what his usual worry levels were.
Sirius stifled a yawn.
“Blimey i’m tired” Sirius yawned again.
“You can stay and sleep if you like. You don’t have to come every month” Remus told him earnestly.
“No i’ll come” Sirius answered immediately.
He would never leave Remus to face it alone now that there was another way. No matter how horrible it was to watch, he would never abandon Remus for something as trivial as sleep.
It didn’t matter if he was having a bad day, Remus couldn’t escape it so nor could Sirius. He wouldn’t leave his side for the world.
That soft, sweet smile curved his lips. The smile he saved only for him, it wasn’t cheeky or alluring or even witty it was kind and gentle. A part of himself he rarely showed anyone else. It made him feel chosen of a sort.
***
They went down to the hospital wing together with Pete and James. Knowing that though they could do nothing to remove or diminish his pain, they were at least with him. The wolf still scratched and bit Remus both during the transformation back and as soon as Padfoot, Prongs and Wormtail didn’t distract him he started up again.
But Remus seemed happier, waking up and seeing their faces. The wolf seemed happier too, running full pelt through the forrest neck in neck with Padfoot. Their human worry’s and woes far away as they hunted down rabbits.
The screams and the sounds of bones breaking and twisting sent daggers in his heart every time. The stench of fear filling his nose and the iron smell of blood dripping onto the dusty hardwood floor from the bones breaking apart his skin.
It was agony watching him suffer, wanting more than anything to stop it but being utterly helpless, standing by and watching it happen.
The transformations usually lasted about 20 minutes though none of them timed it.
He wished no one had ever hurt his Moony, not his parents, not the matron, not Greyback, not Snape and not him. It was his deepest regret, having hurt Remus so thoroughly and he worked everyday to earn the tender affection he showed him. To deserve him.
The sun watches what i do but the moon knows all my secrets.