Vi Reads a Book
Present
“I’m sorry.” Caitlyn pleads, eyes watery. Vi’s stares at Caitlyn from across the room, eyes narrowing.
“Fuck you.” Vi spat, Caitlyn flinching at the tone. “You don’t get to say sorry and magically fix everything. Not again.” Caitlyn’s expression hardens, tears threatening to spill as she matches Vi’s fury.
“I already told you I’m sorry, what else do you want from me?” She says, making big motions with her hands. “I can’t do anything if you don’t talk to me! Talk to me Vi, we can get through this!” Caitlyn says, bracing herself when Vi turns back to her.
“I already told you last time- you don’t get to keep fucking me over! Not again- never again!” Vi seethes, anger finally bubbling up to the surface after a month and a half of drowning it with alcohol and misdirected vitriol.
“You know damn well I wouldn’t have gone through with it if I’d known beforehand!”
“You didn’t listen to me.”
“I didn’t think Ambessa would-“ Cait says, but Vi cuts her off.
“I guess that’s your problem then. You don’t think.”
“Violet.” Caitlyn says, and her phone dings, a calendar alert chime.
“I warned you from the start, Caitlyn. Jayce warned you. Mel left because of her, and you didn’t question it once?!”
“Violet. I have to go now if you want a shot at a fair trial.”
“Then go.” Vi says.
“This isn’t over. We’re not done. See you in a few hours- and stay put.”
"It’s not like I have anywhere to go!” Vi yelled, crossing her arms and glaring as Caitlyn grabbed her briefcase and left Vi alone in her bedroom.
Vi closed her eyes and stood there for a while, white knuckling her grip on the edge of the nightstand to keep balance while her world continued to spin.
Once she opened her eyes, she was hit with a wave of longing. Nothing had changed.
Caitlyn’s room was large- a testament to her mother’s importance. The room was also empty- a testament to Caitlyn’s hesitation to rest comfortably inside the walls of her mother’s high society.
She had hours to kill. Push ups and prison cell workouts could only sustain her for so long in the space too big for Vi to fill. A space silent until she made it less so made her antsy; Stillwater was always filled with noise. Solitary confinement was nothing more than a wisp of a memory, a thing that haunted night terrors instead of a tangible thing she could recall from start to finish.
So it shouldn’t have been a surprise when Vi started digging. Hamsters became escape artists unless given wheels upon which to entertain themselves. Gods unable to leave the heavens they created cursed unlucky humans to stave boredom. Vi, no longer caged, now had an entire room.
Caitlyn’s room.
Vi first ran her fingers over the fabrics in Caitlyn’s closet, foreign names on neck tags that were unreadable to those who knew nothing of Noxian or Ionian language, shirts softer than the fluff of a baby duckling, pants and suits and more clothes in one closet than her entire family wore growing up. The wooden pole holding the swathes of fabric up bowed under the weight of it all. Clothes that seemed more practical hung in the front- uniforms and sleepwear, the dozens of shoes at the bottom of the closet collecting dust with the single exception of a beat up pair of steel-toed boots.
Next Vi moved to the bathroom. The upper cabinets were relatively bare, holding a few bottles Vi recognized as Caitlyn’s shampoo and lotion. Tampons. A few washcloths. A toothbrush and floss. The lower cabinets had products Vi opened and smelled, honey and fruits wafting in the air, ripe enough to eat if you’re a child and don’t know any better. Many of the bottles were full- the few ones that had been used at all smelled like Caitlyn.
The desk gave Vi pause.
There were so many books, pages, things everywhere that had no discernible beginning or ending point. A haphazard attempt at organizing what appeared to be an overwhelming amount of information made the desk drawers much easier to peek into. A top drawer, full of pencils and pens and important information, certificates, a few pennies in the corner. A middle drawer, full of file folders containing case information. Parking tickets, petty theft cases, faces of people arrested or detained.
A bottom drawer containing thirteen copies of the exact same book in varying colors. Vi pulled the top journal out, a piece of white tape labelling the front with a year- the one she was currently living in. The spine and back were empty of all identifying details, and she flipped open the book to a random page.
-
10/17
Dear diary,
Today was the same as usual. I watched my political philosophy professor finish his coffee in the first fifteen minutes and pace for the rest of class. My classmate reminds me of Jayce, although he’s much more serious than Jayce is. I spent my time in the library with Vi today.
Sometime in the middle, her leg brushed against mine and I felt a shiver go down my spine (really!). I kept it there and she didn’t move it away- I haven’t the slightest idea what it means for me. Maybe I really am going stir crazy. She knows finals get under my skin.
Whatever.
I bought both of us coffee today, and the barista wrote a little heart next to my name. I think she got Vi and I confused though- I wanted the black coffee and Vi wanted a million pumps of syrup and she handed us the wrong cups. I get it, Vi’s a hot masc lesbian with tattoos, but GOD could you get up off the floor (and in line, behind me)? And also stop wrongly assuming that I’m the one with the sweet tooth?
Anyways, I’m never going back there again. Vi said she didn’t like hers anyways.
I’m normal I promise future Caitlyn. Besides, if I’m allowed to thirst over anyone, my girlfriend should be at the top of the list.
Yours truly,
CK
-
10/17
Vi is standing next to Caitlyn, staring at the menu. There are about a thousand different options to choose from.
“I’ll buy it this time. Do you want your usual?” Caitlyn asked quietly, leaning over to speak just over Vi’s shoulder.
“I can get a big caramel drink here?” Vi asked, turning, brain melting out of her ears at Caitlyn’s proximity.
“Something along those lines.” Caitlyn smiles subtly, stepping forward to order. She ordered both drinks, and handed over some bills to pay.
As they waited, Caitlyn stared out the window. Vi stared at Caitlyn, the slope of her nose, the curve of her jaw, the incredible shade of blue in her eyes until their orders were called. The barista handed them their drinks and Caitlyn took a sip before immediately holding it out to Vi. Vi took a sip and wrinkled her nose, black coffee bitter on her tongue. She swapped drinks with Caitlyn.
-
Present
The notebook dropped out of Vi’s hand, open into the drawer. Mind reeling, she took a step back. Vi thought for a few long seconds before putting the book back into position with shaking fingers, the exact way she’d seen it before and closed the drawer.
Vi slumped over at the end of Caitlyn’s bed, leaning back until she was flat, staring up at the ceiling. Occasionally she glanced at the desk, eyes lingering on the drawer full of diaries.
Vi stared at the ceiling, literally twiddling her thumbs while she waited for Caitlyn to get back. Another minute passed. The shadows moved minutely on the walls, the room still horribly silent. Each second slipped by slowly.
So slowly. Vi’s heart was still racing, blood still boiling.
Vi stands, taking hefty, burdened steps back to the drawer, closed, taunting her to open it again.
She pulls the drawer open to look at the stacks of bound paper, still mocking her to open them, silently sneering that she couldn’t be that terrible of an ex-girlfriend to invade Caitlyn’s privacy so gravely. Vi picks at the skin of her nails and leaves the drawer open, and begins pacing around the room again.
Another minute passes, slower than the first. Vi keeps glancing back at the open drawer, the temptation between pages.
She moves back to the desk, and picks up the notebook. Vi opens a random page, finding one within the past few months.
-
11/02
Dear diary,
I miss Vi. I know I must sound like a broken record but I feel like I’ve been run over by a bus. I’m not angry anymore. I haven’t cried at all today but I just feel… numb. Reading last week’s entries was not pleasant. I think I just needed to get the poison out. Even reading them back I feel sick, which might be an upgrade at this point from feeling absolutely nothing at all.
She’s still not in class. I’ve been trying to talk to her after her Tuesday Kinesiology class, but I think she’s skipping. Or she’s jumping out the window to avoid me. Either way, I still don’t know where she is. I tried to talk to Ekko just to see if she was ok.
Ekko almost refused to see me. When he saw it was me outside his door, he nearly slammed it in my face. I had to shove my foot in just to get a word in. I just want to see her again, but Ekko wouldn’t give me anything to go on except that Vi’s “lost her shit”. Because of me.
Feelings aside, this whole thing doesn’t sit right with me. I think I need to talk with Ambessa about this. She’ll know what to do.
Excuse the handwriting if it’s a little sloppy, my hands are jittery from all of the coffee I’ve had.
In other news, my mock trial professor noticed the extra work I’ve been putting in. Doing case work makes it easier to fall asleep. As long as I don’t think about Vi, I can sleep. Sleeping badly is better than no sleep, I guess.
I’m allowing myself to think about Vi to write this, but after I’m going to research my team's case more. I don’t know when I’ll fall asleep.
Yours Truly,
CK
-
11/02
Vi wakes up under the bed of a sorority girl in a house she’s only been to for parties. It sounds like the room’s occupants are still asleep, soft snoring above her. The under-bed curtain is drawn, hiding her figure from everyone else in the room and her head feels like someone shoved an ice pick through her eyes.
Begrudgingly, Vi rolls over to see a soft panda plushie staring at her from the wall. She nearly upchucks whatever’s left in her stomach from last night as she sits upright, leaving the safety of the room to go piss. Her phone is at eleven percent, and it’s a little past four am.
She does her business, chugs a sealed bottle of water she finds on the counter in the hallway, powers her phone completely off, and slides back under the bed by herself to sleep.
-
Present
Vi wipes at her eyes like they itch, blinking back a glassy sheen of what could be tears if she thinks about Caitlyn too much.
There’s not much she can do, stuck in Caitlyn’s room. The room which felt open, like an exploration, slowly constricts until she feels caged again.
Vi drops this journal. Just a reminder of the bender she’s been on over the past month is enough to make her fingers shake, give her unsteady hands, rattle her mind. Maybe she should read something lighter.
Vi pulls out the first journal Caitlyn wrote- when she was just eleven years old and still had yet to shed her cheek fat and get her wisdom teeth removed, a half year before her planet collided with Vi’s in a galaxy altering supernova. Caitlyn ruined her life.
Vi wishes she hadn’t done the same. She opens the first journal Caitlyn kept anyways.
-
4/12
Dear Diary,
I’m going to have to get used to writing that every day. Mom says it’s a good idea to keep a journal. She showed me hers, in the locked section of the home library. She said she writes down everything that happens to her and what she thinks about it in her journals.
I think it’s stupid, but mom gave me a journal and said that I should use it in her mom voice. Dad agreed with her though, saying that I can read them next year and see what I was thinking. That’d be good if I kept a diary last year, since I have no clue what I was doing. Dad laughed when I said this, and told me I’ll be “singing the same tune next year”.
Whatever. Mom said she’ll let me hang out with Jayce while he’s doing research tomorrow, and said he keeps a ‘scientific journal’ (sure Jayce, totally not a diary!)
I don’t know how to sign off on a diary entry,
Caitlyn
-
Present
Vi flips a little further along, skimming to find the day she met Caitlyn.
-
5/05
Dear Diary,
Mom yelled at me lots today. Dad said she was just scared when I went missing and Nanny Amara couldn’t find me after we took a trip to the new school mom’s building. Mom said I was supposed to listen to her talk about my new school but I saw a really pretty girl walking past me in the hallway and she dropped some of her things. Mom says you’re supposed to be helpful and nice to everyone, so I helped her carry things to her room.
She was really pretty and had really long hair. She asked me to help organize her books on the shelf by alphabet and another girl came in. She was in the hall without a pass and had to stay with the lady until detention. The teacher made her organize books with me.
I couldn’t tell if she was making fun of me or not. Everything she said was a little mean, even to the teacher! I can’t imagine being mean to Nanny Amara, even if she is old.
Then she turned to me, and asked if I wanted to get out of here. She said her name was Vi, and she grabbed my hand and ran me out of the room. She made me laugh the entire time down the hallway and we ran outside to play in the grass. Vi’s really good at hide and seek. She kept finding me and I was seeker a lot.
Mom came out later and yelled for me, and I had to leave Vi out in the woods. I wish I had a phone that could call her. Please let me see her again. Mom was quiet in the car but I knew she was mad because when I got inside my house she yelled at me. I didn’t tell her about Vi because she would just get mad at me for running away and being stupid. She ran into the study to talk to Nanny Amara and dad ate with me at the table.
I like remembering playing with her. I hope I see her again.
Yours truly,
CK
-
5/05
Vi’s dragged into a room by one of the hall monitors. She was walking to get her gym clothes from her locker when she was stopped. Unable to produce a hall pass, she was dragged to Janarem’s room and tossed into detention early.
Mrs. Janarem didn’t look surprised to see her again, and smiled.
“Skipping again?”
“None of your business.” Vi said, and crossed her arms.
“Well, I suppose since you’re here anyways, I might as well give you something to do. You can help Miss Caitlyn put those books on the shelf over there.” Janarem said, and Vi grumbled, about to protest until she saw who Miss Caitlyn was.
She was staring at Vi, and upon making eye contact, Caitlyn ducked her head shyly and went back to sorting books. Vi calmly walked over, Caitlyn’s impractical prep school shoes squeaking on the floor as she opened another box.
“You’re Caitlyn huh?”
“Yes. Can you help me organize the V’s?” Caitlyn said, handing her a small stack of books. Vi wrinkled her nose and set the books down on the shelf, unsorted. She attempted to sort books for all of two seconds before turning to Caitlyn again.
“You actually like doing this?”
“It’s better than listening to my babysitter talk about the history of the school and the new integration.” Caitlyn said, mocking some kind of upturned nose, snooty accent.
Vi laughed, and Caitlyn ducked her head at the raucous noise. Caitlyn looked at her again, and asked Vi what her name was.
“Vi. Wanna go do something more fun than sorting books?” She asked, and before Caitlyn could nod, Vi grabbed her arm when Janarem’s back was turned to escape out the classroom door.
She ran all the way out to the field, Caitlyn out of breath behind her as she kept pace. She let go when they were finally behind a tree, Vi bent over with her hands on her knees, also out of breath and laughing.
“What… was that… for?” Caitlyn says, gulping down air as she stared at Vi.
“I thought we could play hide and seek.”
“Hide and seek?” Caitlyn says and nods.
“You can hide first.” Vi says, and Cait lights up.
“Ok. Count to 30!” She says, sprinting to the treeline to find a place to hide. Vi continues counting until she reaches thirty, and then begins searching in the direction Caitlyn ran off in first, finding her struggling to conceal her gangly limbs behind a bush. As Vi peers over the side of it, she sees Caitlyn giggling, hand slapped over her grin to keep quiet.
Caitlyn’s knees and shins are dirty as she stands up, socks green and grey from her position on the grass just a few seconds ago. Vi’s smiling too, her grin just as wide and full as Caitlyn’s, despite missing a canine in the bottom row of her jaw.
They play like this until the sun is high in the sky, as warm and bright as the joy of the two children playing below it, until-
“CAITlyn KIRAmann!” screams a voice wrought with panic. Vi watches Caitlyn shimmy down one of the smaller trees, face awash with an emotion other than happiness for the first time in hours.
“I have to go.” She says quietly, and Vi struck with an emotion she can’t identify, stomach clenching and chest tightening. “That’s my mom, she’ll be really mad if I don’t come.”
“Ok.” Vi says. “Bye then.”
“Goodbye Vi.” Caitlyn says, running towards her mother’s voice, and Vi watches heartbroken as this girl she met less than six hours ago vanishes, and her life goes back to what it was before she met her.
-
Present
Vi notices the small spots on the page and slightly smudged ink where they got smeared, bleeding pigment dried after years of sitting in a desk. Vi imagines Caitlyn, still so small at this age despite hitting her first growth spurt, hunched over the desk and crying as she writes down everything she remembers that day, but not that she’s crying over it.
Even after all of these years, it seems that Caitlyn hasn’t perfected the art of getting everything down on paper.
Vi flips through pages, skimming paragraph after paragraph until she stops, setting the book down on the desk and sitting in Caitlyn’s chair to read.
-
7/31
Dear diary,
I went to a school today (a real one). Dad sat with me in the car as the driver took me to school. When I got there, he went up to the front to find my classroom with me, and then I was alone. I knew some of the kids, like Amara’s grandson. He’s so annoying and bragged about the new clothes his mom bought him from her work trip. As if I care about clothes that pinch me and make me look like I belong in a history museum. Buzz off, Camille!
My teacher was the same lady who asked me to help organize her books. She recognized me from that day. I found out her name was Mrs. Janarem <3 and she asked me to sit at the front. It was the first day, so she made us do a word search and sit in a circle while she read a book.
I was really hungry while she was reading, and started eating my lunch in her room when all of the other kids ran out for lunch recess. A few kids came into her room to eat, and I sat with them. Seraphine traded her sandwich with me, but she’s in class with Mr. Graves, so I can only see her at lunch. She’s not good at writing so I helped her with her homework until she left.
I don’t know why I have to go to class. It’s boring and all the homework the teacher gives us is stuff Nanny Amara made me learn already.
Ok that’s all the boring parts. Time for exciting stuff.
Dear diary, I saw Vi again today. I took a long time packing up and then she showed up and sat down next to me! I was so excited to see her, but Mrs. Janarem <3 kept shushing me and Vi when we talked too loud. Mrs. Janarem <3 gave her a math worksheet to do, and Vi drew me in the corner. She’s not a very good artist, but she put little sparkles around me. She ripped the corner off and gave it to me.
Dad came to get me from the classroom, and he said hi to Vi. I still don’t like class, but at least I get to see Vi because we go to the same school.
God, you’re clearly listening because I told you I wanted to see Vi again and I thought about it really hard so you let me see her. Please let her be in my class. In case you don’t read this, I’ll think about it really hard so you know I want to be in class with her.
Yours Truly,
Caitlyn K
-
7/31
Vi had begrudgingly shown up to school at Vander’s request. He’d sat her down and gave her the same speech on the other kids following her lead. If she wanted Powder to go to school, she had to take her. So Vi strapped on her big girl pants while Vander met with Benzo, and she walked Powder to class.
The first day of school wasn’t so bad- Claggor was in her class and Mylo was in the class next door. Her teacher sat her next to a girl named Seraphine, who spent all class humming to herself. Vi might be slightly more bothered if Seraphine struggled to carry a tune (she didn’t), so Vi let Seraphine read to her instead of thinking about the assignment.
It wasn’t until lunch that something did change, when Seraphine took her seat next to her again and explained to her that a girl named Caitlyn had swapped sandwiches with her during lunch in Mrs. Janarem’s room.
Caitlyn, Caitlyn, Caitlyn.
“What kind of hair did she have?” Vi asked, trying not to get her hopes up.
“It was kind of like mine but blue. Why, you know a Caitlyn?” She asked and Vi shrugged.
“Maybe.” Vi said and Seraphine gasped.
“You have a crush-!” Seraphine said, far too loud for Vi’s comfort, and Vi slammed a palm over Seraphine’s mouth, glancing over to where Claggor sat, unaware of what was going on two rows behind him.
“Shut up! I do not.” Vi protested, and Seraphine giggled, voice like a squeaky bell.
“If you say so, Vi. She’s in Mrs. Janarem’s class.” Seraphine said.
Caitlyn’s in Mrs. Janarem’s class.
Mrs. Janarem supervises the after school detentions.
So Vi grabs a pencil, and when the teacher’s about to turn back towards her, she launches it at Claggor’s shoulder without a second thought. He barely flinches when it hits, turning back to look at Vi who smiles at him.
The teacher sees this, and sighs. “Vi, detention. For those of you who can play nice and don’t know Mrs. Janarem, she does after school detention.” The teacher says, already put out by Vi’s behavior her entire class. It’s the first day, and she’s already branded as a troublemaker, a student who only responds to impatience.
Vi smiles and stares out the window until class is over.
-
Present
There’s a small scrap of paper stuffed between those pages, a wonky square about the size of Vi’s palm with a little graphite Caitlyn drawn in all her ten year old glory- tooth gap and all. Vi holds it in between shaking fingers, callused hands holding the decade and a half old sheet of paper as if it’ll crumble to ash if she holds it any harder. The pencil is smudged, little drawn sparkles fuzzy, and her heart aches that Caitlyn kept this for so long.
Vi scrubs the wetness from her eyes with the back of her hand, smearing it.
She stands there for a while, the ten year old girl inside of Vi staring down at it with a soaring heart full of a blissful joy only a child knows. The twenty five year old woman holding it leaves the torn corner between the pages she found it and closes the book.