Lily
It was horrible. What once was beautiful and amazing, now shattered to a million pieces. Glass cutting the wood on the floor. Tears and blood. Fear and apologies.
Nothing will be as it once was. Lily had never seen anyone so upset, so broken. She knows that something died in all of them that day. Though he wouldn’t tell her what happened, Lily knew that long gone were the days of trust and love. Remus was stranded, and no one was able to help him.
She knew only three things of what had happened, 1) Remus was far more broken than he once was, 2) Lily would do everything in her power to make him feel as safe as she could, and 3) anything Lily did wouldn’t help because Remus had been shattered, and Sirius was to blame.
The night it happened, it was a clear beautiful night. Stars aligned the sky in the most lovely fashion, Lily stupidly thought that something good might happen. How could she not? The moon was full and bright, the stars were twinkling and almost brighter than the moon. Lily was sure that it would be an easy sleep. But when she laid down on her mattress that was more comfortable than usual, she couldn’t sleep.
There was something wrong. Something bad was happening.
Lily did something that she never did, she left her dorm after hours. Marlene and Mary were asleep, unknowing to the horrors of the night. Lily herself was and is still unknowing.
The silence of it all was sickening. Lily could feel her heart hammering in her chest, though she didn’t know why. She was moving before she knew it, her braid falling off her shoulder to her back.
She wasn’t sure where she was going, what she was doing, or even why. Then there was the sound of a door slamming, opening again, voices, loud voices. The door slammed once more before James came rushing down.
Lily, who had seen only a happy version of James, saw in absolute terror as his face didn’t contort from anger. She had thought she had seen anger before, her father certainly had a temper, as did her sister and as did she. But there was no anger in the world that could have prepared her for James. He looked as if he was shaking, from terror or anger, Lily would never be able to tell. His hair was wild, more so than usual, as if he had been pulling at it all evening. His fists were clenched, he was breathing heavily, he was scanning the room. Then his eyes found Lily, she almost took off running. There was no glimmer of a smile or any playfulness like usual, he was having a battle within himself. Fire was catching in his eyes, and it looked like he was ready for anyone to burn with him. Lily had said once that she had hated him, her hatred looked childish compared to the hatred in his eyes.
He was unrecognizable.
Lily took a step back, she wanted to say something. Do something, ask him what was going on. But she was rendered speechless.
James kept looking at her, it felt like years but was probably only a few seconds. Then the portrait hole was opening and Peter was stepping in. He looked as if he was running.
“What are you doing here?!” James barked, Lily jumped slightly, “You were supposed to be with Remus!”
“I had a thing to do, you know this,” Peter looked confused, and slightly scared. “I thought Sirius was with him?”
Lily didn’t think James could snap. Lily never thought that pure rage could be something to be seen on James’s face.
Lily was wrong.
One moment James was standing across from Lily, the next he was pinning Peter against the wall.
“You left him alone?!” James roared.
Then Lily realized who’s voice she had been hearing before. She, for a moment, had thought it was Sirius, or even Remus. She never had thought it was James.
“What is going on?” Lily crooned, two heads turned to Lily.
She had never felt more terrified.
For a moment, Lily thought that this was the moment. The moment that James had enough of Lily, one too many rejections. One too many hate filled comments, one too many no’s. This was the end. He would take her, she would be bruised and beaten. She would be raped and terrorized, he would kill her mentally. Just as she did him. But worse.
And then, James was running. Lily was sure he was faster than a broom. Peter was on the floor, his eyes scared. His hands were shaking.
Before Lily knew what was happening, Peter was bolting upstairs. Not even sparing a glance to Lily. The door slammed, one last time.
And Lily was alone. She was alone, and she knew that something changed.
James Potter became angry and prepared to hurt. Peter Pettigrew became that scared little boy again, all confidence he once had vanished in the palm of James Potter’s hand. Remus Lupin had cut his friends out and was more distrusting than ever before. And Sirius Black, he became hated by every single one of his friends.
The Marauders were breaking like glass. Shattered and torn apart. They would never be the same again.
~~~
Lily couldn’t sleep all night, she sat on the couch where they had all once laid, waiting for James to come back. Waiting for someone to come and tell her what had happened.
It was late, Lily couldn’t find it in herself to look at a clock. Dawn would be breaking soon, everything was quiet. That was when the portrait opened up again.
“James?” Lily said timidly. She turned herself to the opening portrait, her eyes peering over the couch.
It wasn’t James.
Professor McGonagall and Headmaster Dumbledore walked in where James’s unruly hair and unfocused eyesight should have been. They rushed past Lily, it seemed as though Lily being up past curfew was the least of their problems. Then the door was opened, and was not slammed shut. Clearly they cared more for the other student’s sleep than James had.
Headmaster Dumbledore and professor McGonagall came back down with Peter and Sirius.
Nothing had changed with Peter’s appearance, other than the horror of being escorted to the headmaster’s office. Sirius on the other hand looked as if he was prepared to die, his eyes were bloodshot, his hair was a mess, he wasn’t in his pyjamas, there was a sizeable bruise on his eye. But what was more concerning was the look in his eyes. There was no light, no mischief, nothing that would showcase any sort of normality to Sirius. He was lost.
Lily wasn’t sure if she wanted to punch him in the face or give him the largest hug known to man.
Then they were gone, Lily was sure that the school year was going to be difficult.
~~~
The weeks following the event had Lily more stressed and uncomfortable than usual.
Remus wasn’t speaking to anyone but Lily. Whenever James tried to talk to him, he wouldn’t answer or say something cruel. He got more detentions than when he did in first year.
The most heartbreaking part was a few nights after the incident. Lily had just had a rather nasty brawl with Marlene because she was speaking to Sirius and ignoring the fact that he had clearly done something wrong. In her eyes, he was innocent and Remus was being dramatic. Lily had never yelled so much in her life.
As she was walking around the castle, after hours because that’s what she did, apparently she would leave her room after curfew, Lily noticed one of the tapestries was looking crooked and out of place. When she went over to it to try and fix it, she saw movement.
She quickly peeled back the tapestry and found Remus, wand at the ready, blankets, pillows and clothes around him. He was living here.
“Oh” Lily choked out, her surprise evident on her face.
“Look I’m not going to be here long I just-” Remus sighs, “I just can’t go back to that room, he keeps apologizing and I can’t-”
He cuts off and looks down, his voice sounding choked and weak.
Lily rushes over and hugs him. He practically falls apart in her arms, it takes Lily a moment to realize that he’s crying.
She hugs him tighter and begins running her fingers through his hair.
“I won’t tell anyone, I promise” She whispers into his hair.
He cries harder.
“You’re okay, Everything is going to be okay, you’re okay” she chants and hopes it’s true.
~~~
Remus
“Everything is going to be okay” Lily tells Remus for the millionth time.
She promised him.
Remus hates promises. He hates what happened. He hates that he’s a werewolf. He hates everything. But especially Sirius.
How could he? How dare he?
Why would he do this? Why would he make Remus trust him? And then just take it all away. Take it all away. Why does Remus have to love someone he hates? What sort of sick joke is that?
Nothing is fair.
The days following Remus’s rather embarrassing scene with Lily, he was angry. The professors forced him out of his makeshift room. They told him he needed to go to class.
How could he learn or do anything when he could feel Sirius’s eyes on him at all times. The only words Remus heard from Sirius was ‘sorry’. They were empty, meaningless, nothing but a spell used to try and trap Remus to Sirius.
He hated Sirius for what he did, he hated who he told, he hated everyone. He hated the pity from Mary, and the “friendship” from James and Peter. Remus knows they must be laughing at him. Everything is a joke to them. They must have known about how Remus felt about Sirius and decided to play a little prank on him.
Stupid little queer boy, falling for the refined Black.
Remus was sick of it. Sick of them. Sick of himself. Sick of Marlene who stood up for Sirius.
Sirius must have used the same spell on Marlene that he did on Remus. It’s only a matter of time before another prank is held and Marlene is left to the sidelines.
The worst part isn’t even when he woke up and was alone. It wasn’t when Madame Pomfrey looked at him with pity and shied away from telling him. It wasn’t when he was told what happened, what he almost did. It wasn’t when he was told to go back to his dorm and he saw all of them again. It wasn’t the first ‘I’m sorry’, or even all of them that followed. It wasn’t the fact that people keep asking him why he isn’t hanging out with the marauders. It wasn’t even when he saw Snape in the hallways laughing.
No, the worst part is the fact that through all the pain and all the nightmares of killing someone. Remus is still in love with Sirius. He still dreams of him. He still hopes that one day maybe after Remus has shouted and punched, Sirius might whisper his ‘I’m sorry’s’ into his skin. Cursing him as he kisses his lips, his neck, and everywhere Remus hopes he would.
Remus has never hated himself more for it.
~~~
James
It was like a battlefield. James could hear the shots Sirius had taken, breaking and tearing their friendship apart. He had never felt so angry in his life. Everything he had thought Sirius was, everything he had tried to make him. It was all a lie.
Taken from someone who would never understand or try to fix it.
All those nights when Sirius had cried, told James what his family had done, and then he turned out to be just like them.
James can still hear Remus’s screams, though he had heard them before they felt more hurt. Raw. Like the wolf knew he had been betrayed as well. James can still feel the rage he had felt, he can still feel Peter shaking under his grasp. He can still see the terror in Lily’s face when she saw him.
He can still watch as the world he had built comes burning down.
The flames of his anger still present in his eyes as he looks at Sirius, the fire he spits at Evan and Barty when they ask what’s happened. Or when they try to uncover more.
He can feel the ashes of his friendship with Peter begin to drift away. They are all truly alone in all of this. James needs to fix them, make the marauders rise from the ashes like a phoenix. But he can’t.
There isn’t anything left to be saved and they all know it.
Their fire died and the war started.
~~~
For the next few days after what James is referring to as “the war of ashes”, Severus Snape was seen outside of the Gryffindor common room. People said he would be out there for hours, waiting for someone.
Most students thought it was Lily due to their recent falling out, but James knows that it’s probably one of the marauders. He hopes Snape isn’t here for Remus.
James knows that Remus hasn’t been coming back to the dorm, he knows that he’s in some sort of secret room behind a tapestry. When James looked at the map, he saw Remus there. Sirius had tried multiple times to try and talk to him. James and Peter had stopped him each time. They both know that the last thing Remus would want is Sirius.
James tries to avoid Snape as much as he can, but it’s hard when his new favorite extracurricular activity is to wait outside the portrait hole. The day after “the war”, James saw him stand out there for most of the day.
James can’t take it anymore, he’s started to bring the invisibility cloak with him everywhere he goes. He hasn’t felt more stressed, the added reminder of what happened doesn't help James either.
It’s gotten so bad in the last few days that Mary has been asking him why Snape is out there, and if there’s anything she can do to help. James told her that everything is fine and that he’s probably looking for Lily.
They both knew that was a lie but she didn’t press any further.
James can't sleep. None of them can.
The last time James tried to fall asleep without added help, he was woken up by Sirius having a nightmare. In such a hazy headspace, James got up to help Sirius as usual. He came to a halt when he heard what Sirius was saying. Over and over, was Remus’s name. Sirius must have been screaming it in his dream because he was loud and breathing heavily.
Peter ended up waking him up, Pete looks the most tired these days. Even if he was probably getting the most sleep, he just looked drained of all sense of humanity and happiness. Remus and Pete were really close. James and Peter may have grown up together, Remus was definitely one of Peter’s closest friends.
Peter told James that he and Remus hadn’t spoken in a while. Longer than usual.
Though none of them truly wanted to accept it, they had lost a friend. They had lost each other.
~~~
One day, as James is mustering up the energy to come into any sort of contact with Snape, he decides to walk with Mary. She can always tell when something has happened and someone needs a little help. Maybe even simply someone to lean on.
They were chatting and James was starting to forget about who he was about to see, Mary had her wand in her hand reaching up to put into the bun at the top of her head. Then Snape came into James’s line of sight. The same greasy hair and crooked nose, only now knowing a very personal piece of information.
James couldn't deal with any of it today. Nothing was right and he was just yelled at by Remus himself.
“Potter” Severus calls out, “you’ve been rather dodgy lately. Haven’t said a single insult to me all week.”
You would think that since Snape was standing there because of James, he might have payed in the respect or common decency to not say anything to any of them for at least a month. You would think.
James can still see so clearly the pure terror in Snape’s face as he watched Remus transform. He can still recall dragging both of them away from a very painful death. And not because of physical pain.
Yet here he is, greasy and smirking.
“Could we not do this today? Or any day until next year for that matter.” James sighs.
“You brought this on yourself Potter! You and that group of bloody idiots you call friends.” He spat. His words felt like venom to James’s tired mind.
James didn’t have the right mind to take out his wand and hex the moron. He didn’t have the right mind to even try to fight back.
But Mary did.
Without missing a beat, she shoots a rather nasty hex right at Snape. The spew of nasty insults ends abruptly as Snape stares at Mary with wide eyes. He attempts to say something to Mary but is stopped by his very own tongue.
“What’s the matter, Snivellus? Cat got your tongue?” Mary smiles, a smile that could cause a toothache. “Better go get that checked out.”
Snape takes off running without sparing a glance.
“The Langlock hex I presume?” James asks, shocked.
“You would be surprised how useful that one can be, especially when you’re someone like me,” She explains “c’mon, you deserve a good listener and a nap.”
James has never felt so happy that Mary is in his life. He takes a lovely nap for the first time in days without needing added help.
~~~
Marlene
It was the worst week of Marlene’s life, she had never thought things could go wrong so fast. None of her friends were speaking to her. She had been isolated for defending someone.
When whatever happened to make Remus and James mad at Sirius, they all stopped speaking to him. He sat at the back of every class, he never ate any meals with them, he was simply not their friend anymore. Marlene once saw him try to talk to James, but it didn't go over well.
Remus was even snapping at James, clearly something had happened and it wasn’t going to be fixed any time soon.
Marlene would have asked more on the topic but she saw how James treated Barty and Evan, she was smarter to not ask after seeing that.
It was when Remus returned to meals and Sirius happened to be finishing up just as he was coming in, that Marlene really had enough. The death glares and spew of insults that were thrown at Sirius that neatly made Marlene cry. She wasn’t sure all this hate was rightfully directed at Sirius.
So one day during lessons, Marlene stood up for him. And she has regretted it ever since.
Lily was blabbering about some book when Remus finally strolled in. He was quite late and looked like shit. Marlene saw him look around the class before opting to sit next to Mary. Far away from all his friends.
Marlene saw Sirius sink in his seat. She felt like it was misdirected.
“Why didn’t he just go sit with Sirius? Aren’t they mates?” Marlene whispered to Lily.
Lily looked over at her, a strange look crossed her face. “They’re not speaking to one another, they had a falling out.”
Marlene scoffs, “Yeah, all of them picking on Sirius for no good reason. What a ‘falling out’.”
Lily stops what she had been doing and turns her body to Marlene.
“What are you implying?” She questions, Marlene can see the anger in her eyes.
“I’m just saying that maybe Remus is being a bit dramatic and that they just need to make up or something. This has been dragged out long enough” Marlene says simply.
“You don’t even know what you’re talking about” Lily snaps.
“And you do?” Marlene counters.
“Yes, as a matter of fact I do.” She hissed.
“Well if you’re so all knowing, tell me why Sirius is in the wrong.” Marlene retorted.
Lily stares at Marlene, her mouth opening and closing comically.
“Right.” Marlene says before beginning to pack up her stuff.
“Where are you going? Lessons aren’t over yet.” Lily asked.
“To sit with someone who needs a friend.” Then she stands up and walks over to Sirius. She sits down in the empty spot.
“What are you doing here?” Sirius asks, his eyes sweeping briefly over the class.
“Sitting,” Marlene explains.
“With me?” Sirius cautions.
“Yes, I can’t take everyone being mean to you” Marlene huffs “it’s not fair, you haven’t done anything wrong.”
A strange look takes over Sirius’s face before he looks back down at his paper.
When Marlene is finally seated and her things are all laid out, she sees Remus out of the corner of her eye. He’s glaring at her.
She should have known then that this was a bad idea.
~~~
The fight happens late in the evening. Awful words are said. Marlene never knew Lily could be so cruel.
Mary has decided to side with James and Peter, she said it had been weighing on them. She said that whatever happened, it was clearly between Remus and Sirius but that they were caught in the crossfire.
Marlene thought that if that was the case, there was no reason for the words they had said to Sirius.
Lily was upset that they weren’t supporting Remus when it was obvious that he was having the hardest time and Sirius had clearly done something bad.
Marlene thought all of that was bullshit.
Lily didn’t hold back with insults after that. Even Mary, who can usually be a mediator or know when words can hurt someone, didn’t say anything against Lily.
Marlene didn’t want to share a room with them after that.
She didn’t have anywhere to go and the professors would just tell her to go back to bed. She had run out of options. None of her friends really had the space for Marlene and they would have sided with Lily anyways.
That night, she found herself at Dorcas’s room. Someone she would have said hated her.
“I didn’t know where else to go” Marlene sniffs, tears streaming down her face.
Dorcas looked shocked momentarily before she took Marlene’s hand and pulled her inside.
Marlene spent hours explaining what happened and crying profusely. Her friends hated her for what she said.
They didn’t speak to her for the next few weeks, she sat with Sirius in the beginning. She cried to Dorcas at night, she had moved into the Slytherin girl’s dorm and there didn’t seem to be any changing that.
Soon all of the glares and hateful words behind backs were too much for Marlene and she stopped sitting with Sirius. He didn’t question her as to why. It seemed as though he had accepted his fate.
She tried to stay friendly with him, it was hard sometimes. Sirius seemed more and more sad those days. Marlene started sitting with the Slytherins more and more.
“So, what exactly happened to make you sit with the likes of us?” Barty asked one morning.
“I stood up for Sirius and now all of my friends hate me because of it.” Marlene shrugs.
“Right right,” Barty sniffed, “but what did Sirius do to make everyone hate him and as a result you?”
“Don’t know,” Marlene answered “all I know is that he might have done something to Remus and now Remus hates everyone except Lily, and James and Peter hate Sirius. Oh and they also all hate me too.”
“I heard Severus was involved” Evan yawns.
“Really?” Regulus peeks up from his food.
“Mhm” Evan hums.
“Pandora, could you go ask Sirius if that’s true. Please?” Regulus pleads.
“Sure” Pandora sighs and gets up.
“Could you release me slightly, my hand is hurting” Dorcas whispers in Marlene’s ear.
Marlene hadn’t even realized that she was doing that. She flushed and let go.
“Sorry,” Marlene mumbles.
“Don’t be,” Dorcas whispers, and Marlene holds back a shiver “I like holding your hand”.
Then Dorcas lightly laces their fingers. Marlene is sure she looks like a tomato.
~~~
Sirius
It’s strange to know that you’ve turned out just like your worst fear. The one person that caused you more pain than anyone could imagine, and to end up exactly like them really makes life hard. Sirius knows that he’s truly fulfilled the Black name now. Hurting people you love is one thing the Blacks can do right.
Sometimes you can’t run from what you’ve known to be who you are, and what Sirius is; a Black.
A part of a horrible family destined to do horrible things.
Sirius has given up on trying to justify this to be something his parents did to him that caused him to be like this. He is simply a horrible, awful person. Who hurts the people he loves.
And oh, how Sirius loves him.
He used to try and deny it. “It’s just a friendship kind of love”, he would say. Knowing that every night he would dream of a life with Remus.
Dream of Remus in the best way possible. Nightmares stopped when he started to love Remus.
Now the nightmares are back but Remus is the one being hurt, not Sirius.
It’s not much better during the day.
Remus naturally won’t speak to him, other than the occasional insult. James barely even looks at him, he hates him more than Remus does. And Peter treats him as if he’s some sort of pet that misbehaved and bit his owner.
Mary, who once cared so deeply for Sirius, now doesn’t even look at him and only cares for James and Pete. Lily is the worst. She only glares at him when she sees him, the only words she says to him are insults, she cuts out anyone who even speaks to Sirius.
The worst part is, she’s completely right to do so. Sirius is horrible and deserves the treatment he’s receiving.
Marlene tried to be kind and take his side, clearly unaware of what he had done, and now no one besides the Slytherins will speak to her.
His brother got word of what he did and told him his thoughts. They were not kind ones.
“Sirius!” Regulus shouted.
Sirius turns to see his brother running across the courtyard to him.
“I heard you’ve been isolated from your mates, what’s that all about?” Regulus asked, his brow furrowed.
“None of your business. Why do you even care?” Sirius scoffed.
“Well you’ve been rather secretive about it and you told Pandora to piss off when she asked you.” He explains “And I also heard it had something to do with Severus. Bad things happen when he’s involved.”
“Tell Pandora I’m sorry and as for the other bit, that’s not your business.” Sirius begins to walk away but Regulus stops him.
“I don’t want what he said about what happened to be true.” Regulus denounced.
Sirius turns and looks around, “And what did Snivellus say?”
Regulus sighs and runs a hand through his hair, before coming closer.
“He said that Lupin is a werewolf and that-” he cuts himself off, “and that you sent Snape to Lupin knowing that there was a full moon. That you tried to kill Snape using Lupin- using your friend.”
And for everything, Sirius wishes he could blame it on someone else. He wishes that Snape had already known and forced it out of him just for kicks. He wishes that there had been some sort of curse placed on him. Anything but this. Seeing his baby brother look at him with nothing but disappointment.
“I don’t want it to be true either.” Sirius whispered.
“You’re not who I thought you were Sirius,” Regulus murmured “Mother was right. You belong in Slytherin.”
And then he walked off and left Sirius to his tears.
They didn’t speak for the next few weeks, Regulus continued to send Pandora to speak to Sirius. But she eventually got fed up with the back and forth and stopped sending messages.
There were days when Sirius wouldn’t speak to anyone at all. It was as if the fire buried deep within Sirius had finally spread and killed everything he loved.
He couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t blame it on anyone. He couldn’t speak to anyone about it.
Sirius had never felt so alone in his entire existence. There were some nights where he would turn into Padfoot just to not feel it as much. He had never felt so guilty for something, he would feel guilty for a long time. It would come back in waves, he felt most alone those days. He didn’t even want someone to comfort him. He didn’t deserve comfort.
He didn’t deserve anything but to feel guilt.
Sirius would stare at the students walking past, laughing and not having a care in the world. Just being content with their friends. And it would hit Sirius, he is completely alone. Even as Padfoot.
He’s alone, and it is entirely his own fault.