Even the brightest star thin they deserve to fade
Sirius was back in his dorm and all of his friends were asleep in their beds except for Remus of course. It was half past midnight and they had agreed to stay up as long as they could just to spend some more time together without the risk of the others interrupting them. They had agreed on the dorm because that way they wouldn’t get caught by any of the teachers.
Remus sat next to him, talking about one of his favourite muggle books and the author. This was the first time that Remus had been this excited around him in ages and Sirius wondered why Reus still loved him even after everything.
He wondered if what he was taught about fate was true. Surely it was if Remus was willing to forgive him because of love. Remus shouldn’t love him. He had betrayed him and had spilled his secret as a ‘joke’. He didn’t deserve this. He couldn’t be trusted let alone loved by the person he had let down. He had been taught that lesson multiple times.
First his Mother.
Then his brother.
Now Remus.
He had let them all down but for some reason the last two times he had been forgiven for some reason. Surely if even the person who was supposed to look after him called him a mistake and a failure, why should he be loved by those who weren’t supposed to? It didn’t make sense. Regulus had been raised by the same people and seemed to lay along with their little game so why did he forgive Sirius?
He had betrayed Remus’s love and spilled his deepest secret all because of an outburst directed at Snape yet Remus still loved him. Sure, he had hated him for a month but he had said that he couldn’t bear to hurt the only person that he loved. Sirius couldn’t understand why both of them did that. He didn’t deserve to be loved so why did people do it anyway? They must be doing this because of sympathy for no other reason. It could also be the same thing as parents giving their child anything because they couldn’t stand them crying but didn’t care. It must have been that. They didn’t want to forgive him but they had to because they couldn’t be bothered to deal with his guilt any longer.
They didn’t care. They were doing this to make him stop.
Why couldn’t accept the fact that he could be loved? He had to come to terms with that but he still didn’t know if he was meant to even exist.
To himself he was an ex-Heir that ran away and left the title to his younger brother, who came back with twice as many scars, bruises and marks as before. He was the person that hurt everyone no matter how hard he tried. He always did something wrong. If only he knew how to keep his mouth shut. People would be so much happier if he just shut up for once. He was only good for his barely passing grades. He also used to be the punching bag of his parents before he left on a whim. Now Regulus had to deal with twice as many punishments. It hurt to see him in his carriage, barely speaking and hollow.
This was all Sirius’s fault. All of this. He had caused all of this.
Mother was right. He was useless.
Useless.
Useless.
He had no purpose. Not anymore. He had hurt the only people he trusted but he had been let off. Why was he like this? He was a mistake that only caused issues. He knew that he was worthless to his own blood family. He had no meaning on that tree. He had been burned off for a reason.
He didn’t have a reason to be loved. Not anymore. Everything he came up with seemed to be just for attention at this point. He couldn’t decipher what was a fake reason or what was real. He was lying to himself. He knew that but he was too tired to care. He had accepted that years ago. Back when he was doubting his parent’s views and ‘love’. Back when he was starting to act out. Back when his brother looked up to him and saw him as a hero. Back when they lived under the same roof.
“Sirius?” Remus whispered, obviously not trying to surprise him but just loud enough to wake him up slightly, “Are you ok?”
Sirius hadn’t realised that he had been crying until he felt a small tear rolling down his now damp cheek. Fuck. “Why do you still love me?”
“Like you said the stars can’t ever be seen without their moon, Siri.”
“Still I hurt you and you ignored me for a month before suddenly being there for me and then asking me out.” Sirius whispered between small sobs, “Why?”
“How could I hate the person that I will always love with all my heart?” Remus wrapped his arms around him, allowing Sirius to bury himself in his jumper. “I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I didn’t forgive you.”
“But-”
“Sirius.” Remus stopped him, “I love you. I always have and always will. Sure, you made a terrible mistake but I still loved you.”
“I don’t deserve you.” Sirius muttered into the fabric of Remus’s jumper. “I don’t deserve you.”
“Yes you do. You deserve the world and I would gladly give it to you.” Remus whispered into Sirius’s ear, holding him closer.
“I love you.” Sirius moved his arms so that they hung around Remus’s neck loosely. “I love you far too much.”
“You can never love somebody too much.” Remus laughed quietly, looking into Sirius’s eyes, “I love you too.”
Sirius stared silently, losing any doubt in the warm eyes in front of him. The only thought running through his head was the fact that he loved the boy holding him close. He forgot all worries and let himself detach from the world around. He forgot about the doubt. He forgot about the voices telling him that this was fake. He forgot about everything and only focused on Remus. He focused on his moon. He buried himself back into the shoulder, losing himself in the fabric and the sound of Remus’s heartbeat.
Remus smelled of dark chocolate, an old library and the fresh pages of a new book. It was so comforting and he had missed that scent so much. He hadn’t realised how much relief he found in it. He never knew how attached he was to it. He had become so used to it that he instantly knew when he wasn’t surrounded by it.
“You will always be my moon.”