Whispers in the dead of night
Remus couldn't sleep. His head was clouded with thoughts from the day he found out his mum died and when James and Peter told him what Sirius told Snape. He forced to relive every memory on repeat. It was getting painful for him and he couldn't focus in anything else. Words spun into accusing thoughts. They all pointed their finger at him.
It was his fault. He was the reason everything in his life went to shit. He knew it wasn't true but once Sirius's name was mentioned in the tangle of noise he wasn't sure. It was as if that name could change his view a million times over and he would agree every time. He wasn't sure if he was at fault anymore. He had trusted Sirius with one of his deepest secrets, knowing full well that Sirius couldn't control anything that he said when he was angry. He was at fault there but everything else? It wasn't his fault. At least he hoped so. He would never let himself forget that he was the cause of her death. That it was his fault for getting bitten when he was younger. He was 4 after all.
It wasn't his fault. Not his fault. Not his fault.
He sighed as he sat up from his bed. He rubbed his hands over his face before getting up to wash his face. He woke up instantly at the feeling of the cold water splashing against his skin. He looked at himself in the dim mirror. He could barely make out the scars tracing over his face and hands. The only one that wasn't caused by him was the one that went from the side of jaw and over the bridge of his nose. He had tried to cover it up when he was younger but it was getting tiring to remember to do it. He headed back to the the dorm and put on some clothes that would be suitable for walking outside.
He had no real plan on where he was going and how long he would be gone for. He would just walk until his head was quiet. So maybe the rest of the night. surely it wouldn't take that long. He took the map, partly to check if any teachers were coming his way and partly to keep the others from finding his location. He left the dorm, trying to be careful around the bed. He made his way into the corridors and found the quickest way out that wouldn't get him caught.
The sky looked wonderful tonight as it always did. He wished he could appreciate it on full moons like he used to when he was younger but that wasn't possible anymore. He still felt attached to it, curse or not, and would always stay up to see it every night. Sirius had taught him about the stars and Remus had taught him about the moon. He loved how it shone in the dark sky but he knew it wouldn't be able to do that without the Sun lighting it up from afar.
Once he had finally stepped out of the castle he was left in the field. The breeze picked up and made the trees sway gently. It was calm a night compared to others this week. It was a clear night and you could the stars shining in the dark blue sky. He traced out the familiar stars avoiding only one. He tried to ignore the sleeping Thestrals by their stables. He hated the fact that he could see them. He loved them, really, but he didn't like being reminded of why he could see them.
He paused by their stable and watched them, admiring how they could fold themselves to fit in such a small space. He continued his stroll after a few minutes, slowly approaching the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest. He was thinking about a taking one of the safe routes through it when a small figure perched on a rock caught his eye. He could make barely make out what it was in the dim lighting but it looked vaguely like a black cat and it looked like it had caught sight of him too.
He approached it slowly and held out it's hand which it placed it's head into. It was the first time that a cat had acted friendly towards him. The more he thought about why the cat would act this way around him, he remembered the story of a black cat that would listen to all your troubles and then a letter would be sent to you to visit the youngest Black brother. It was a relatively new story so he didn't believe it until Sirius got a letter himself. It seemed almost too perfect that it would be waiting outside when he was having troubles this night. Too perfect that the letters knew exactly where to go. Too perfect that Regulus would be willing to listen to strangers' problems. it wasn't exactly in his perceived nature but it wasn't his place to judge him. It was helpful after all.
He sat on the floor, facing the cat and he let himself relive the same memories he had earlier that night. Each emotion hit harder than they had previously. It was supposed to be that he wouldn't be as reactive to them but they seemed to hurt more than ever.
"I don't even know if you would be able to understand why this hurts. I mean I bet you have a great life but then again I can't make assumptions. I mean my Mother died when I was really young, a few months after I got bit by a werewolf. She was the only Hope that I had had all of my childhood and then she was gone. I constantly blame myself and so does my Father. He never cared for me and it became more evident once she passed but I didn't understand why so I just blamed the only other person I knew. Me. " He paused, trying to get himself and his emotions under control. "It was a dumb decision but I can't really fix it now. It is too late. That night when I got bit was when everything started to go downhill for me. I was 4 I didn't need all of that. I practically raised myself for 7 years of my life. It didn't help that I also needed to figure out how to deal with the full moons. Our house burned down once we both made it out alive but I had to be rescued since my Father had just left me in there. I didn't know why he didn't rescue me but he refused to answer any questions. He just didn't care about me. Never did, never will."
He stopped and to catch his breath. He had completely forgotten to breathe when ranting. Why was he doing this in the first place? "I thought everything would be fine once I got to Hogwarts but I couldn't be more wrong. I was living in constant fear of being found out. I only told James, Peter and Sirius in 4th year and even then I couldn't bare to talk to them for a while. They accepted it of course and even became Animagi for e as well but I felt guilty and that I had inconvenienced them somehow. I was so stupid then" He laughed slightly, "I trusted Sirius with my whole life until a few months ago. It was a fucking mistake like everything else. He fucking told Severus about the shack. How could he be so fucking dense? I trusted him."
Remus went silent as the cat jumped on him lay on his lap. It was a small attempt of comforting him and he knew that. It actually worked, surprisingly. "You know Sirius, don't you? I'm not surprised, everyone does. " a smile appeared and he continued, "I saw that Sirius got a letter from you a few days back. I guess he came to you too. I presume it was about his family issues." The cat seemed to nod a bit, it seemed to recognise the name and story. "I knew it, I saw him leave the dorms those nights but didn't think much of it."
They sat in silence for a while. Remus tried to process what was happening. "I trusted Sirius. I loved him. He even loved me back but he ruined it. You know the feeling don't you. The person you trust with your whole life suddenly leaves you in the dust then expects forgiveness." The cat looked up straight into his eyes as if to say that he had but Remus could have been delusional. "It was my fault wasn't it? I should never have told him. I shouldn't have gotten attached."
Remus picked up a small purple flower from the edge of the rock and began picking at it's petals and stem. He had to focus on something else but it was too late. He had opened the flood gates and now he had to figure out how to shut them away again. He gently picked up the cat and placed it back on the rock which it had been perched on earlier. He whispered his goodbyes and made his way back to the castle.
He was exhausted and he was sure that he would be able to sleep peacefully now.
He hoped.