Lily was crying. This wasn’t something she did often, but when she let it happen, it was full on sobs that tore at her throat until it was raw. It was pure, unfiltered sadness, which meant that she was completely exhausted afterwards. This always worried her friends, because when Lily cried, it meant that something was seriously wrong, so when Mary and Pandora walked into the girls’ dorm to find her hastily wiping her furiously red eyes, they immediately became worried.
“Lils?” Mary asked, tentative as Lily had just rushed to close the curtains around her bed before they could see anymore of her.
“Yeah?” She replied, her voice cracking. Pandora and Mary shared a concerned look.
“Can we come in?” Pandora asked. She heard a positive hum so they opened her curtains to see dried tear streaks on Lily’s face. “Oh love, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” she shook her head. “Did you need something?”
“Everyone’s hanging in the common room, we wanted to see if you wanted to come down with us. I think they’re about to start a game, but I’m not sure of what.”
“Yeah, I’ll be down in a minute,” Lily nodded, moving to get up.
“You don’t have to,” Mary rushed to say. Lily shook her head.
“I want to,” she said. “I just want to change first.” Mary and Pandora looked at each other but ultimately shrugged and left Lily to get changed. Lily went into the bathroom to wash her face in hopes of hiding her previous tears. She then changed into Gryffindor sweatpants and one of Regulus’ Slytherin sweaters. She didn’t care how weird it was, both pieces of clothing were comfortable.
As she made her way down the stairs she overheard all of her friends laughing– including the slytherins, which made her face turn pink. Regulus didn’t know she stole one of his sweaters, and they’ve never really seen her in sweats. She was about to go up and change into something different, but unfortunately for her, someone saw her.
“Is that my sweater?” Regulus asked, his eyes narrowed on her. Lily blushed.
“It’s comfortable,” she defended.
“Yes, I know. How did you even get it?” He asked, laughing a bit.
“Pandora left it in my dorm once so I just took it,” she shrugged as she made her way towards the group of people who had yet to notice her presence. She looked around the room to see who was there, and her stomach twisted when she realized that it was literally all of her friends. It was strange to have them all in one place, but she didn’t exactly hate it.
“I’m never getting it back, am I?” He muttered to her as she sat next to him on the couch.
“Well, maybe when I graduate,” she teased. He rolled his eyes, but he was smiling.
“Lily!” Marlene said, smiling when she noticed her. “You joined us!”
“Well apparently you all decided to just all be here so I couldn’t miss it,” she replied, smiling. Marlene nodded. “I heard you were going to play a game? Am I allowed to know what it is or..?”
“I don’t think it was ever decided,” James piped up from where he was leaning on Regulus on the other side of the couch. “Good of you to join us, Evans.”
“Always, Potter.”
“Who wants to play truth or drink?” Barty asked as the whole group eventually quieted down a bit.
“Who’s alcohol are we using?” Remus asked, raising an eyebrow.
“You better not assume we’re using ours,” Sirius finished for him, an almost identical look on his face.
“We’ll pay you back,” Evan said, rolling his eyes.
“We can use mine,” Pete rolled his eyes. “You’re paying me back every penny though.”
“Obviously,” Barty scoffed. Pete then disappeared up the stairs to the boys’ dorm. Lily’s stomach rolled again.
“I don’t want to drink,” she mumbled, mostly to herself. She wasn’t the biggest fan of alcohol to begin with, but even less so when she was expected to drink it.
“I’ll charm it to be water for us,” Regulus mumbled back. “I’m not drinking either. Fucks with my head too much.”
“Thank you,” she whispered to him, to which he nodded slightly.
“Alright, everyone starts with one,” Pete said, passing around shot glasses and a big bottle of muggle vodka.
“Where the fuck did you even get this?” Lily muttered, her hand shaking as she poured it. She really hated alcohol, especially this specific kind.
“Bought it from Benjy,” he replied, smirking. Mary scoffed, grabbing the bottle from James.
“This is shit vodka Pete, how much did you pay for it?”
“Not much,” he shrugged. “All I know is it does the job and burns on the way down. That’s the best kind for games.”
“Alright, who’s going first?” Dorcas asked, as she settled into Marlene’s side.
“I vote Barty, since it was his idea,” James said, as Regulus whispered the charm onto his and Lily’s cups to turn it into water, even as it was poured.
“Thanks,” she mumbled to him.
“Of course.”
“Alright,” Barty replied. “Hit me.”
“Truth or drink?” Mary asked, raising an eyebrow.
“I’m not a coward, truth.”
“When’d you lose your virginity?” Dorcas asked, a knowing glint in her eye. “And to who?”
“Hey, that’s two,” he protested, making them all laugh.
“We didn’t make any rules,” Lily added, shrugging. “I guess you have to answer.”
“I was in fourth year and I lost it to Mulciber,” he mumbled the last part so only Mary and Evan, who were each sitting on a side of him could hear. Mary started hysterically laughing.
“What did he say?” Lily whispered to Regulus, who was just chuckling.
“He and Mulciber fucked in his fourth year,” he snorted, making everyone just gape at him.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” he grumbled. “Who’s next?”
“James,” Sirius said, smirking. “Truth or drink?”
“Drink,” he replied. “I’m not taking chances unless I’m a little tipsy. Reg, truth or drink?” James took the shot really quickly before waiting for an answer from Regulus.
“Truth, why the hell not?” He replied, raising his eyebrows at his boyfriend.
“Who made you realize you were gay?” He asked.
“You already know that!” Reg argued.
“We don’t though,” Marlene piped up. “Share with the class, Reg.”
“For fuck’s sake,” he said, shaking his head. “Sirius, don't murder me please.” Lily snorted.
“Why would I murder you?”
“While I’m flattered Reg, I’m with your brother. Imagine the scandal, I don’t think either of our statuses would uphold after that,” Remus said, a false wistful look on his face.
“What statuses?” Dorcas, snorted.
“What the fuck,” Sirius whispered. “You had a crush on Remus?”
“Not so much a crush, per say,” he started. “It’s just, as you obviously know, he’s very attractive.”
“He’s not wrong,” Evan said.
“He’s the reason we all know we’re gay,” James nodded.
“Can we please move on?” Sirius interrupted, glaring at his brother. “Who’s turn is it?”
Lily really hoped they would skip her. She wasn’t in the mood to play this game, but she wasn’t going to be the only one not playing. She didn’t want to ruin it for the rest of them.
“I think Lily,” Pete said. “Lily, truth or drink?”
See, the problem with this was that everyone in that room knew that she hated drinking, so she couldn’t even pretend to take the shot because it would be so wildly out of character for her.
“Truth,” she sighed, leaning into the back of the couch.
“Hmm,” he replied, thinking. Lily was praying to a god she didn’t even believe in that Pete would come up with a tame one.
“Who was the first person you slept with?” Barty asked, making Lily wince and turn pink.
Here’s the thing, Lily’s never had sex with anyone before. Not because no one has wanted to, no people have asked her to hook up, it’s just that she doesn’t want to. She’s never really been into that sort of thing, and most of the people in the room knew this, so a few of them glared at Barty on her behalf, including, surprisingly, Regulus.
“Ask a different question, dipshit,” he said, narrowing his eyes.
“Why doesn’t she have to answer?” Pete asked, seeming to be genuinely confused.
“I’m a virgin,” she replied, shrugging as if it didn’t embarrass her beyond belief to admit to a group of people, despite the fact that most of them already knew this.
“Aren’t you like, 17?” Evan asked, squinting his eyes as if he were solving a particularly difficult arithmancy problem.
“Congrats, you can do math,” Lily deadpanned. “Yes, I’m 17, what about it?”
“Nothing,” he said, shrugging and leaning back into Barty’s side. “It’s just most people have fucked someone by 17.” Lily’s face turned red.
“Evan, stop,” Pandora said quietly.
“I don’t know if this has occurred to you,” Lily started, slowing her words like she was talking to someone stupid. “But maybe, just maybe, I don’t want to have sex with someone. Ever think of that?”
“But like, why wouldn’t you?” Barty piped up.
“Why do you want to have sex?” She countered, raising an eyebrow at him.
“I just want to,” he shrugged. “Feels good.”
“Ew,” Marlene muttered, scrunching her nose up.
“Don’t act like you don’t agree, McKinnon,” he snapped back. “I know you aren’t a prude like Evans here is.” She knew he meant it as a joke, but it sure as hell felt really mean. There was no reason for him to be this rude about it. Based on the sharp breath she heard from Regulus next to her, he too, knew that what Barty said was the wrong thing to say.
“I just don’t want to,” she replied, rolling her eyes. This had gotten really annoying really quickly. “I’m sure it feels good for you, but it wouldn’t for me, so I just don’t fucking have sex. Simple as that. Now, are we all good with that or are we going to put my sexuality under a microscope?” They all muttered their agreement with moving on. “Good. I’m going back to my room now. And you Barty, can go fuck yourself since you seem to love that so much” And she got up and left, ignoring the concerned looks James, Regulus, Sirius, Remus, Mary, and Pandora were shooting at her. She did, however, hear Regulus snort a laugh after she finished talking.
Why did Barty and Evan think they had the right to judge her for what she has or hasn’t done? Most of them had known that she was a virgin, and few of them knew exactly why, but it wasn’t any of their fucking business. So what, she doesn’t want to fuck someone. What’s wrong with that?
She flopped onto her bed, already feeling the tears resurface. She knew she ruined the night for everyone. That much was apparent when she left, but she really didn’t have in her to care all that much. There was nothing she could do about it now. Really, it was Barty’s fault. He was the one to make fun of her for being a virgin, which is totally normal for a 17 year old by the way, especially a lesbian in an environment where the only other girls into other girls were her friends. And even if that wasn’t the case, she still wouldn’t want to have sex, and why the fuck is it Barty’s business why.
After about five minutes of tears silently streaming down her face and into her pillow, there was a knock at the door. She moved herself into a sitting position and wiped her face, trying to make it seem like the tears were never there.
“Who is it?” She asked, dreading the answer.
“Me and Reg,” a voice Lily recognized as Pandora’s called back to her. “May we come in?”
“Sure,” she said, forcing calmness into her voice. The door opened to reveal a smiling Pandora and a hesitant looking Regulus.
“Sorry Barty’s a dick,” he offered, making Lily chuckle a bit. “Remus, Dorcas, James, and Sirius are all taking turns tearing into him, if that makes you feel any better.”
“Well with Dorcas and Sirius teaming up he’s bound to cry at least a little bit, so it does actually, thank you,” she laughed. He smiled at her and nodded.
“I wanted to talk to you,” Pandora said, moving to sit on her bed. Lily immediately moved over to make room for the two of them, even though Reg was standing awkwardly by the door, waiting for permission.
“Reg, sit on the damn bed,” Lily said.
“Fine,” he huffed, but it was clearly teasing.
“What did you want to talk about?” She asked, a bit confused. If she just wanted to talk about how big of a dick Barty was being, she wouldn’t have brought Regulus along, so there was another reason.
“What Barty said was fucking rude,” Reg started, seemingly very passionate about this subject. “I don’t care if he meant it as a joke, you guys are nowhere near good enough friends to warrant him being able to call you a prude. You aren’t even one, just because you haven’t had sex with someone doesn’t mean anything. Virginity is a concept created by society to shame people, particularly women, into feeling bad about–”
“Reg,” Pandora cut him off, smiling softly. He blushed and looked a bit embarrassed. “He gets very passionate about stuff like this.”
“I was enjoying your little rant,” Lily said, smiling. Yes, he was sort of mansplaining virginity but he didn’t realize it because he felt so strongly about it. She supposed she could deal with that. “Why do you feel so strongly about it?”
“I’ve never had sex either,” he shrugged. Lily’s eyes widened a fraction, but not enough for him to realize. She had just assumed since he and James had been dating for almost a year that they had done something. But, she supposed she shouldn’t assume shit like that.
“Oh.”
“And I don’t ever want to have it,” he said, looking at her, willing for her to understand what he was getting at. “And there’s a word for it.”
Lily felt like she was being laid on a table, bare, for everyone to look at her. She didn’t know how Regulus knew exactly how she felt, and she hated that he knew that there was a word for it but she didn’t. How did he know this when she doesn’t? She was supposed to be the one to know stuff like this.
“It’s called being asexual,” he continued, his voice softening. “It means that you have little to no sexual attraction to anyone. And I’m not saying that that’s what you are, you very well may not just want to have sex yet. And obviously it’s like, this whole spectrum but–”
“No, that sounds like what I am,” Lily cut him off, a tight smile on her face. She wasn’t upset that they had brought this up, really she was grateful. Because there was a word for it, that meant that it wasn’t just her who felt like this, and that made her feel a shit ton better. And, it made her feel even better that there was someone that she knew, that she was friends with, who felt the same way she did about this stuff. It was comforting in a way.
“Okay then,” Regulus nodded. “I just wanted you to know that, just in case you, you know, didn’t. It helped me when I learned other people were like that too.” Lily nodded. She desperately wanted to ask him a question but didn’t want to be too invasive. Regulus seemed to recognize this, so he just said, “You can ask me whatever it is you’re thinking right now. I recognize that face.” Lily chuckled.
“I don’t want to be too nosy or anything but, is James just okay with that? Obviously I’m not assuming anything but–”
“He’s fine with it,” he cut her off, nodding. “The right people will be alright with it. And if someone isn’t okay with you not wanting to have sex with them, then they aren’t right for you, yeah?”
“Yeah,” she said, nodding faintly. Regulus smiled at her. “I’m sorry for ruining the night–”
“Barty did that with his stupid arsed comments, not you,” Pandora scoffed, shaking her head. “Seriously, who the fuck calls someone a prude anymore?”
“Barty Crouch Jr apparently,” Lily sighed. “Are all of you guys leaving then or–”
“What, are you kicking us out?” Regulus asked, his voice teasing, making Lily laugh and shove him.
“I was actually just going to say that if you weren’t, I think I’ll join you all again. I could use an excuse to practice some hexes, and I feel like Barty isn’t done being a little shit yet.” Pandora and Regulus both looked at each other and laughed.
“Are you sure you don’t belong in Slytherin?” Regulus asked, smirking a bit.
“It was a toss up between the two,” she shrugged, making their jaws drop. “The hat told me I had a bit too much courage to not be in Gryffindor but Slytherin was a close second. Nobody knows that though, so shut up about it.”
“Oh how I wish I could tell James he had a crush on someone who was close to being a Slytherin, before he had a crush on me. I’d pay to see that.”
“On second thought, maybe you can tell him.”