You hadn’t expected it to reach this point, truly, when you’d received the first threat months ago you thought it’d be over soon enough. You were only beginning to realize how utterly wrong you had been.
It started simple ‘don’t get too attached to that new necklace, lest I have your ‘Padfoots’ head for it.’
You had shrugged it off, just assuming it was another one of those weird girls that wouldn't leave Sisius alone, even after being politely shot down multiple times. That and combined with the fact that this wouldn’t be the first time something like this occurred, you elected to ignore it, foolishly continuing to wear the necklace without a thought.
You only began to rethink that decision a few days later, when Sirius had walked in with a cut down the side of his head, causing you and the other marauders to promptly freak the fuck out and demand to know how that had happened and who they needed to sort out.
But Sirius hadn’t been able to tell you.
He hadn’t seen the person, hadn’t heard them.
Which was especially impressive given Sirius’s guard, he’d been trained against feeling at ease in his surroundings the very second he could breathe. It was harder than one might have thought to catch him in a bind. That meant either the person was aware of his checkered past and was trying to mess with him or…or that letter you’d received wasn’t the bullshit you’d initially thought it was.
Either way you took the necklace off that night after making sure Sirius and the others were alright, each one of them clearly shaken at the thought of someone targeting one of their own just as you were.
The necklace was gone by morning.
You didn’t take any following letters lightly, they’d never exceeded taking your personal belongings, or specific things gifted to you by Sirius or Remus, sometimes they’d order you to hand over things given to you by James as well, each time with a thinly veiled threat on one of them.
Each time you’d set it in the same spot in your dorm as you had with the necklace. You didn’t like how close it was to you or the other girls in your dorm but you also weren’t willing to risk them not knowing where the item was and hurting one of your people because of it.
It continued like this for months. A letter sent, a letter received, a threat made, a deterrent deployed.
The guys were starting to notice something was going on though, no matter how hard you attempted to conceal it from them. You knew you couldn’t tell them of the threats, couldn’t show them the letters because they’d be in danger because of it and you still had yet to even pinpoint a direct person for it.
You’d narrowed it down to someone from the Slytherin house though, that little tidbit coming in the form of a dark mark stamped at the bottom of each letter. You had a hard time believing a death eater would breach the school without already being in it, and seeing as how the majority of the known death eaters came from predominant Slytherin families, you had your suspicions.
The guys had noticed your odd behavior, the way your eyes shifted around every room at least twice, clocking everyone in it, trying to see if any of them were giving you spare glances or odd looks. Trying to gauge if anyone in the room could be the person sending those letters.
It was starting to wear you down, all your energy going into trying to figure out who it was while also making sure it remained a secret from those you cared about. The constant paranoia that another letter would come at any second, that the requests would get harder, that you’d slip up and one of them would get hurt and it’d be all your fault for not protecting them enough.
In all the time you’d known them they had taken it upon themselves to bring you into their little family, it helped you find your place at Hogwarts among your peers, it’d given you life long friends and family and maybe even something more if you, Remus, and Sirius would ever sit down and talk but now you felt you wouldn’t get the chance. You felt like time was slipping from you slowly but surely as your brain spiraled farther and farther down the well of self-destruction.
As it happened, you were thinking about all of this as you sat in the common room, surrounded by Prongs, Moony, and Padfoot. Each of them chatting about their newest prank, they’d been asking for your thoughts the entire time, trying to get you involved in the conversation. You could see the concern crease their brows each time you didn’t provide a very ‘you’ answer.
You noticed their shifting glances as you zoned in and out of your head, as you felt tethered and detached from the room you sat in. Until finally it seemed a decision was reached and you felt Remus’ hand land gently on your shoulder, turning you to face the group.
“Puff, what’s going on?”
You blinked, slowly attempting to reacclimate yourself to the room, your thoughts had taken a detour to the letters, as they had so often lately. Merlin, you were tired. You just wished it would stop for Godrics sake, why couldn’t it just stop?
You fought back the tears of frustration ready to fall from your eyes, forcing yourself to swallow as you worked a smile into place.
“What do you mean, Moony?”
“Don’t do that.”
Your eyes shifted to Sirius as he spoke, his jaw clenched tight and his eyes shining with worry, James sat beside him, expression grim, a contrast to his usual sunny demeanor, and a hand going through his hair every few seconds, a sign of stress you were sure.
Though you knew exactly what Sirius meant you still looked at him in mock confusion.
“Do what?”
“That, that right there, stop lying to us. Stop pretending everything is just dandy, I’m sick of it, and so are they. We’ve tried to give you your space, let you work through it on your own but enough is enough. You’re declining, you look exhausted, Puff.”
His voice tapered off, he looked as if he was in physical pain, as if the thought of you aching like this made him ache ten times worse.
“Let us help,” came James’ calm voice, the low tone of it filling the room, “let us help you, Puff, whatever it is we’ll figure it out. You just gotta tell us.”
And oh, how you almost caved right then and there. So close to breaking into sobs as they pleaded with you to tell them what was wrong. You wanted to fall into Moony, let him wrap you in safety and tell you they’d handle it, that it was off your shoulders and no longer something you needed to worry about.
But you couldn’t do that.
They couldn’t know because then they’d get hurt. You weren’t taking any chances after what happened to Sirius the first time, you’d take this to your grave, whether that came sooner or later.
You’d die with this, maybe then it’d stop, maybe then you’d be able to say you’d done your job until you couldn’t anymore, that you’d literally fought till you dropped to keep them safe. You were at your wits end, this was ending soon, whether by your hand or the sender you didn’t care, not as long as it stopped.
So instead you took a breath, squared your shoulders and gave them all a hollow smile, blocking out the way their eyes dropped. Like they couldn’t bare to watch as you lied to them again.
“Everything’s fine, no need to worry. I’ll be good. Thank you for checking in.” You told them sincerely, standing to your feet and forcing your legs not to shake as your head swam.
The exhaustion and nausea from anxiety made it hard to breathe sometimes. You wished you could stop.
“Puff, please.” Remus whispered.
You pretended not to hear as you left the common room, walking towards your dorm with stilted and pained steps.
They didn’t follow.
You saw it as soon as you walked in, the dread in your stomach having made and appearance as you saw the familiar tan enveloped, your name written in sprawling cursive on the front in red ink.
You checked for Lily, Marlene, and Mary, not wanting them to watch as you opened it. They hadn’t questioned the letters as if yet, you weren’t even sure if they could see them or not, it was unclear if there was any kind of cloaking spell on it.
You took the letter in shaking hands, ripping open the top and pulling out the folded paper.
You had never been one to rot in the anticipation of things, instead you unfolded it starting down at the words as they flew up to greet you. Fear and panic searing through your soul as you read the first words:
‘Almost slipped up there huh? Can’t have the clever marauders finding out now can we?’
Your breath was coming in short spurts, your chest throbbing as you fought to take in air, you were working yourself into a panic attack.
“Muffliato” You muttered through sobs as you dropped to the ground.
Small screams slipped out of your throat as you forced yourself to blink the tears from your eyes and continue reading the paper, the sooner your task for the day was done, the better.
‘It seems your mouth staying shut is not something to be trusted. And I can’t have that happening. So this will be your final task. I’m sure you’re delighted.’
You were, you were so delighted in fact that you didn’t much care for the reason why the letters finally seemed to be over.
‘You see, I tire of this little back and forth. It was amusing to watch as you wilted, folding into yourself with each passing day. But it was even more exciting to watch each little Marauder wilt alongside you, their worry was the most delicious reward I could have asked for.’
Your smile was slowly falling. Your chest aching with new anxiety as you continued to read. They hadn’t wilted had they? Had you driven them so far with worry? Had you made them so miserable?
You were just trying to keep them safe but in doing so…Had you become the monster you were running from?
Was it you poisoning them and not these letters threatening them?
‘However now I think it's time for the grand finale. These letters have run their course, their pain and suffering has only just begun and you, my dear, will be the sole instrument in their final symphony. Do try not to forget the consequences if your task is not completed.’
Final symphony?
‘I’d recommend a quill and some parchment, dove, you have quite a few letters of your own to write.’
You didn’t continue the letter until after you’d grab parchment and ink, a quill sitting beside it all as your prepared yourself for what these might be for.
‘You will be writing three letters. Only three. If you attempt to exceed that limit the actions will be taken accordingly for such disobedience. They will each address one of the three ‘Marauders’, they will be heartfelt and something you feel they must see, as they will no longer be hearing from you.’
You didn’t even flinch as you read that sentence, you had a feeling that's where this was headed and for the first time in months, you were grateful for these letters, for the end to the pain.
‘Be sure to be honest now dear, these will be the final things they have of you. I want to see the pain when they read them, consider it your final promise of their safety.’
You nodded briefly to yourself, that made sense enough, you were already mapping out how each letter would be written and formatted.
‘You will leave the letters in the usual place, then you will carefully make your way to the astronomy tower, should anyone spot you before you make it…Well, I’ll allow you to imagine the repercussions.’
They wouldn’t catch you, no one would spot you, you’d get there undetected.
‘I’m sure you understand what you will do as soon as you reach the top but to ensure the instructions are clear: You will fall from the tower. Your remains will be beneath it by morning, my darling.
Happy writing.’
You picked up the quill and parchment, you started with James.
Dear Prongs,
I think we both know where this was going.
It got bad, then it got worse, and then I just couldn’t keep going anymore James. I can’t do it, I can’t deal with the stress of the war, with NEWTs, with starting a life. Everything with change, James.
Thank you for the life you’ve given me, for the friends you helped me find. I can’t begin to tell you how much you saved me in every way, how you sweeping me into your little family brought me back to life.
I’m sorry all I’ve caused you guys is pain. I’m sorry this is the way I’m repaying you but… its better this way. Trust me.
Now we can all be happy and free. You’ll be okay now, I won’t weigh you down and you have Moony and Pads to lean on as well. I know soon enough you’ll forget this whole thing so don’t let it drag you down.
You mean the world to me James, I doubt you’ll ever understand the light you bring to this world, the happiness you instill in everyone and everything you touch. I’m sorry I’ve dimmed that light for so long, but hopefully that will stop now.
I love you, James.
I’m gonna miss you but I’ll see you in a few decades when you survive this war and make your way to the vail.
Thank you for everything, I’m sorry,
Love, Puff
With tears silently streaming down your face, you sealed the letter and wrote his name on it, reaching for the second piece of parchment you started your letter to Sirius, hoping your feelings would show through the page. Even with how little you thought of yourself, you knew telling him you loved him that way and then leaving would be a kick in the teeth, instead you hoped he picked up on the threads between your words.
Dear Sirius,
Well I’d love to tell you that this isn’t that serious, but I feel you might disagree.
Not a good note to start on? Fair enough.
There's not much for me to say, so I’ll just go until I can’t.
I’m so tried, Pads. I’m so exhausted with trying to keep up and keep everyone out of harms way. I’m tired of trying to be strong for everyone around me while I break down on the inside, I can’t do it anymore. I can’t live anymore, Sirius.
That’s why you’re reading this, why I’m writing it.
If its any consolation, you were a big part of why I held on this long in the first place. Everything you’ve done, everything you are, it helped me keep a grip on a steadily slipping edge. But every edge runs out at some point and I really did mean to hold on a bit longer, I did. I was gonna wait until you all got sick of me I promise.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m hurting you, I’m sorry I don’t have more time with you, more time to love you, love Rem, more time to talk and drink Firewhiskey and talk about people we don’t like, that we don’t have time to sit and hold each other after a hard night or that I won’t be able to hug you after you win a match.
I’m sorry I got attached and hurt you because of it.
I love you Sirius, that won’t ever change, this isn’t your fault and if I see you making it your fault somehow I’ll be sure to come back and haunt your leather wearing arse.
Forever yours,
Puff
You folded his letter as you did with James, tears staining the parchment as you scrawled his name across it. You picked up the final piece of parchment, glancing at the clock in the room, making sure you’ have time to get out of the castle before anyone could spot you, you would make this one quick but you wouldn’t rush it, Remus didn’t deserve to have his closure rushed.
Dear Moony,
Hey, Rem.
I have a feeling you’re not gonna take this well but it’s alright. You’ll be okay, I just need you to know that before I continue. You have the others, lean on them, help each other. Everything will work out just fine I promise. This is for the best.
That being said, I want you to know how much I love you, how much I care about every little thing you do. How you always have at least two of the same book with you wherever you go, how you clench your jaw when you’re angry. I care about how your real laugh sounds, how it seems to light up a room and burst out of you uncontrolled, I love seeing you and Sirius mess with each other, love watching you and James bicker back and forth about nothing in particular.
I’m sorry for the pain this might cause, for the time I’ve wasted with you. For taking up space around you when you didn’t need me to begin with. I’m sorry I’ve been so distant recently, that I’ve been mean or rude in the recent months. I’ve had some reasons I guess you could say, but I’m still sorry. You didn’t deserve that, none of you did.
I’m sorry this is how you’re finding out, I couldn’t talk to you about it. Please understand that, I just couldn’t Moony, if I had the option I would have taken it I promise. I don’t really want to leave you, ya know?
I love you, with every piece of my being, I don't think I’ve ever loved three people so much. Not only that, but I don’t think I’ve ever had such different love for two out of the three, or had such confusion in my life.
I don’t know much but I do know one thing: My life was better because you were in it.
You’re not a monster, you’re not tainted or disgusting, you’re you. You’re one of my favorite people, in the top three I’d say. This isn’t your fault, it’s no one's fault but mine, and if I hear you getting down on yourself and calling yourself names because of this then I’m gonna have to haunt some sense into you, Moony.
Irrevocably Yours,
Puff
You sealed the final letter, in doing so sealing your fate.
You hastily wrote his name before shooting to your feet, taking the letters and setting them in the usual spot on your nightstand.
Then you were going into your drawer, pulling out the friendship bracelets the four of you had made in fifth year, you had made it to the end without the letter person making you hand those over. If you were going to die, you would die with them on your wrist, together to the very end, just as you’d all promised.
You were slipping through the portrait silently seconds later, the guys were all huddled together, speaking in hushed tones. You couldn’t stop, or you would’ve taken just a moment to look at them all again, one last time.
But you were almost out of said time, so instead you maneuvered form the common room and out of the castle, your head on a swivel to make sure no one was near or able to follow you.
When you were certain no one would be following after you, you shifted into your animagus form. A little black rabbit running across the field and courtyard towards the tower would be infinitely less conspicuous than a seventeen year old girl running at full speed towards a high structure.
You darted quickly, making your way to the tower in ten minutes, out of breath as you hit the first stair.
You shifted back, grateful that your clothes stayed intact, sometimes it was a fifty/fifty, seems the fates were in your favor tonight.
You bounded up the stairs, as quickly as you could. The sooner this got done the better, and when you finally reached the top, you were out of breath, sinking to your knees as your breath shuttered in and out of your lungs. Then you were glancing up, taking in the view of the sky at this level, it was still quite dark, the stars lighting up the sky and the crescent moon in the distance being the only source of light.
You shakily stood, your feet inching over to the edge of the tower.
It was a long drop.
One sure to kill you on impact.
You were…almost releived being this close to the end, this close to the sweet release of everything wiehging you down, the paranoia and anxiety that had become a constant. The fear and anger that had been settled like a stone in your stomach the last few months.
Fear that they would get hurt, anger that someone would hurt them, would hurt you, just for their own twisted amusement. You wanted to say it surprised you, that something liek this would happen at a supposedly ‘safe’ school but you weren’t. You had given up hope on that in second year when a boy spat at you and screamed the words ‘mudblood’, right before Sirius was knocking him to the ground, James joining in immediately after as Remus came to your side with a handkerchief.
That was when you knew you’d never be truly safe unless you were with them. It seemed fitting you’d die without them near in a way. You knew they’d have dragged you back if they knew.
But they didn’t, and that was good. They were safe.
So long as you did as you were told.
You looked over the edge once more, taking a deep breath and forcing yourself to stare at the ground so far away from you, at where you’d land. You felt bad for the person who’d have to clean that up.
The thought almost sent a hysterical laugh bursting from your lips but you held it in. This wasn’t a time you were going to be happy with. Not when it meant leaving them.
You dangled one foot off the edge, almost tempting fate and waiting for a harsh breeze to knock you off balance and send you careening towards the earth.
The breeze never got the chance.
Not as you were ripped back from the edge and slammed to your back, the breath knocking from your lungs, there was more movement around you, warm hands circling your waist and yanking you backwards, hands in front of you creating a sort of cage as you felt a presence over you as well, effectively held on all sides.
“Puff, darling, what in the sodding fuck. What the fuck was that? Why were you there?”
Remus. Oh Godric, Remus was here.
And if he was here…
“Gave me a bloody heart attack, Puff. Not a funny prank of yours, not even a little. We’ll have to work on your material there, love.”
Sirius was the one behind you, his arms anchoring you to him as he buried himself in your neck, his chin resting on your shoulder, you sucked in a breath as you felt tears hit your arm. You were sure you were crying too but to hear him doing it was a blade through the heart.
“Never again, you hear me? Never, Puff, anything but that. Please, anything, Puff, anything.”
James had fallen to his knees beside you three, his arms and hands resting against the three of you.
They were here.
Here where you were supposed to die.
Here where you were about to jump because…because if you didn’t, they would be hurt instead.
Then you were fighting, pulling against them as they made startled sounds before attempting to hold you there, latching onto you like their lives depended on it.
They needed to let go.
“Please let go, Pads.” You sobbed, your breaths hitching as you fought your way of his grip.
“Let me go, please, I can’t let me go, let me die, let me die, Rem tell him, let me die, it’s better that way, let me die.”
You fell to your stomach trying to claw your way towards the edge.
Maybe if you could…
“Don’t let her shift”
James spoke through gritted teeth as he held you by your waist, and then your wrists and legs were being spell-binded, you understood why they’d done it but you couldn’t help but thrash harder. Why couldn’t they see they were in danger.
“Darling, please, you’re going to hurt yourself.”
It was Sirius that came to your side, his hand sliding beneath your head so it’d stop banging off the metal of the tower and his other coming to hold your tearstained cheek.
“Gonna hurt you, they’re gonna hurt you.. I’m- you-” You paused, trying to think through the fog in your mind “They’re gonna hurt you and it’s my fault, couldn’t get off the tower.”
Sirius shook his head, tears streaming form his eyes as he pressed a tender kiss to your forehead, Remus came and helped move you to the center of the tower once more.
“No one's gonna hurt us, lovely” Remus came to the other side of your head.
You shook your head side to side, “No… I didn’t finish it, they’re gonna. Please let me die, Rem.”
He looked away, something like a sob ripping from his chest as James came to sit beside you both, James’ hand rubbing Remus’ back as another sob fell from his mouth.
“She won’t stop asking, Prongs, I don’t-” another sob.
“I’m sorr-”
“Nope, no sorries. Not from you or anyone else.” James spoke, an air of authority to his voice, his hand squeezing Remus’ shoulder.
“We won’t get hurt, Puff, Minnie and Dumbledore were made aware of the letters and they’re taking the one responsible for them out of the school as we speak. We went up to your dorm to,” James coughed, as if trying to hide a building cry even as tears still actively poured down his cheeks. “To talk to you again and found…all the letters.”
Sirius pulled you closer, tucking you into his arms as he muttered a weightless spell, picking you up with ease.
“Off we pop, mates. We’re going back to the common room and we’re talking this out. We’re all safe, Puff, you’re safe now. They can’t hurt you anymore, we won’t let em.”
You saw the others nodding their agreement as Sirius carefully carried you down the winding staircase until you finally all reached the bottom, your tears having slowed a bit.
It took a little longer than when you were running here but soon enough you were all stepping through that same portrait hole it felt like you’d left through life times ago.
He’s gone?
Letter man is gone?
“He’s gone, darling.” Remus spoke, his voice just a hushed murmur. So you’d thought it out loud, that was clear even through the haze of your mind.
Then you were being lowered form Sirius’ arms, your mind swimming in panic as you tried to grip his shoulders tight.
“Just setting ya down, Puff. Not going anywhere.”
It only barely calmed the anxiety currently swirling in your stomach but you forced your grip to loosen as you fell back into the soft cushions of the common room couch. The guys were gathering around you not a second later, Sirius coming to your left while Remus sat to your right, James fell to his knees in front of you.
“We’re sorry, Puff, so incredibly sorry.”
Your brows furrowed in confusion, your eyes glancing to your left and right before settling back on James’ hunched figure, his eyes looking at you with such grief it almost felt hard to breathe under its intensity.
“Why?”
Sirius scoffed, Remus leaned further into, his head coming to rest on your shoulder as James just shook his head.
“We didn’t know. We didn’t figure it out and it almost…You almost died because of it.”
But you were already shaking your head in denial. This wasn’t their fault, they couldn’t have known, you wouldn’t have let them. This wasn’t something they could just bat away when they felt like it, even if they made it all seem so simple. And in hindsight, maybe it had been, but in your fear ridden mind, the only way through was silence.
“I didn’t tell you on purpose. That’s not your fault.”
“But w-”
“No. It’s not your fault, any of you and I won’t sit here and let you think it is. Pull your brain together and think it through, it’s not your fault I made a dumb decision, Prongs.”
“You were scared, that’s not ‘dumb’”
“Well it wasn’t exactly logical. And I just-”
Then a wave of exhaustion was hitting you, tearing down your defenses as you stifled a yawn, swaying into Remus.
He caught you just as he always would, breathing out a sigh into your hair.
“Let’s leave it for tonight, lads. We can talk in the morning. Let everyone have a minute to breathe.”
His voice was still quiet, his tone sounding distant, as if he was retreating further and further into his mind as the seconds ticked by. You had a feeling you’d need to pull him out in the morning, make sure he was alright. But that was a task for morning you, so you simply nodded and the others let it drop, each of them setting themselves up for a night spent in the common room.
You almost wanted to tell them to go to their dorm, make them se that they needed rest too but you knew they would do no such thing. They wouldn’t leave you right now, they were too bloody stubborn for that. And though sometimes it annoyed you how bullheaded they could be, right now you couldn’t be more grateful for.
So instead you settled down into Moony’s side, letting your eyes fall shut without hindrance for the first time in months. Safe. You were all finally safe. You didn’t need to worry about shielding them, if just for tonight, tonight you could just rest.
Remus’ arm tightened around you, and with the weight of him and Sirius, and James resting beside the couch, you finally felt at ease enough to drift off, glad you’d never see another damned letter again.