A Good Day
“Regulus?”
This was it. This was the moment when his heart would be crushed into a million pieces and thrown away never to be found again. He wasn’t ready for it, not now. Not ever.
How had he found out? Regulus hadn’t told anyone. How did he know?
“Regulus, can I talk to you?”
Regulus felt his heart race and decided to do the rational thing and protect himself from whatever hurt was chasing him. He turned around, and walked away. Ignoring James’ presence.
Regulus fled to his dorm and stayed there the rest of the day, ignoring his stomach's loud complaints of hunger and going to bed with thoughts screaming warnings.
Despite not wanting to leave bed the next day Regulus got up, went to the bathroom, brushed his teeth and followed his friends to the great hall, forcing himself to eat. He went to class and listened to his teachers, took notes and ate lunch. He listened to Barty complain about Evan, and Evan complain about Barty. He watched Dorcas watch Marlene, and followed Pandora, hand in hand, to the flower in the lake she’d found.
It wasn’t until after dinner James approached him. Regulus was in the library with his friends, studying and writing essays, fighting and gossiping. Dorcas’ ramble about how Barty would look terrible in blond hair was interrupted by the tall Gryffindor.
“Regulus?”
He looked up when his name was said and immediately looked down again, ignoring the boy staring at him.
“Regulus, can I talk to you?”
He didn’t want to ignore him. He sounded scared, and hurt, and Regulus’ heart ached.
“Sure,” he answered, looking up only to see James fiddling with his fingers and looking anywhere but him, “What is it?”
James cleared his throat, “Uhm, in private?”
This was it. This was it. This was it.
Regulus frowned lightly, “Why?”
This was the moment. He would never recover from this.
“I-I just- I need to tell you something,” James said quietly.
Regulus sighed, looking down at the table, thinking about what to do. Should he follow James and get his heart smashed? Or, should he ignore him and postpone the inevitable?
He stood up.
Without saying a word Regulus left the table, his friends, his things, and went deeper and deeper into the library. He knew James was following him, he could feel it. But also, he could hear his steps behind him.
Eventually, he realised that he was walking so that he wouldn’t have to hear what James had to say. So he stopped, looked down to the floor and prepared himself. He put up a shield, as Sirius used to call it when they were kids. “Put up a shield, so that no words can hurt you. When you do that, mother and father won’t be able to make you sad.”
Regulus looked left and then right, deciding that a window was a good spot to die. He looked back and saw James staring at him and then walked to the right. To the window where the sun shined through, like a spotlight. It was pretty. The way the light made the books glow, how the dust circled around in the air, looking almost like snow.
It hadn’t snowed in weeks, Regulus missed it.
With a straight face and arms crossed, Regulus turned around. Looking at James with absolutely no feelings. He raised an eyebrow and asked, “What did you want to tell me?”
He knew he sounded irritated, rude, mean. It was part of it.
But despite the shield, his heart still felt a pang when he saw the fear in James’ eyes.
James sighed and brushed a hand through his hair, his beautiful, wonderful hair. It was probably soft, the way the-
“I- I told Sirius something,” he began and snapped Regulus out of his thoughts, “And he told me that I had to tell you. Because, you deserve to know.”
Regulus understood what was happening, he wasn’t dumb. James had told Sirius that he knew that Regulus had feelings for him, and because his brother is a stupid, dumb, loyal, righteous, fucking idiot, he told James that he had to tell Regulus. Because I deserve to know that the man I love doesn’t love me.
Regulus huffed a soft laugh and uncrossed his arms, letting them fall to his sides in defeat.
James looked him straight in the eye, took a breath and continued, “It- I don’t really have a plan. I don’t know how to do this, it- it’s really, uhm, new to me. I, uh, I’ve had this feeling for quite some time. But- uhm, I didn’t realise until- until this Saturday when you were getting that book from our dorm.”
Ah, that’s when he’d realised it. Regulus had been too obvious, he’d held James’ hand and James had realised.
“What-” Regulus cleared his throat, “What did you realise?”
James took a step forward, but- he probably understood how that could be perceived and stepped back again. He sighed and looked out the window. Regulus followed his vision and saw the sky darken, white clouds had started to replace the blue.
“I- Regulus,” James' voice made Regulus look at him, but he was still staring at the sky. The sun was still shining and he looked beautiful like this. James’ eyes closed and Regulus continued staring, “I realised that I’m- I’m in love with you, Regulus.”
He didn’t register at first, his eyes were stuck staring at the tiny hairs on James’ top lip. His glasses had fallen down slightly, and he could see small red marks on the top of his nose. His skin was glowing, shining, it looked golden in the sun. Regulus wanted to l-
“Wait, what?”
The other boy opened his eyes and whispered, “I’m in love with you.”
Regulus was sure he heard wrong, or that James had said it wrong. He’d messed up the words. “Huh?”
Their eyes met and a swarm of butterflies filled his stomach. James couldn’t be in love with him. That’s- that’s not-
“I’m in love with you, Regulus. I realised it when you smiled at me, you- you had walked out the door and right before it closed you looked at me and smiled. And I panicked because I… I realised that what I felt wasn’t just- that I didn’t just like you.”
Regulus wasn’t sure what to do, what to say. Was this real? “Did Sirius put you up to this?” he asked.
James frowned, “As what? A prank you mean?”
“Yeah, did Sirius tell you to- to tell me that to prank me?”
“No!” James denied, looking appalled, “No. I- When I panicked I told Sirius that I was in love with you and we were yelling at each other, but then he told me that I had to tell you because- I- I don’t know why he wanted that but he said that it was a good thing.”
All Regulus felt was confused, and scared, and happy and sad and anxious and angry and- and everything. “Sirius said that it was good?”
James nodded, “Yeah.”
Regulus shook his head, “Nuh uh, that’s a lie. He would not say that.”
“He did! I don’t get it either, I thought he would punch me but…”
“You’re really in love with me?” the Slytherin whispered.
James’ shoulders fell, “Yeah. I-I- I just, I’ve liked you for some time but I didn’t want to tell you because I… I didn’t want to get rejected. But then for some reason, I told Sirius and he started saying that I had to tell you. And he made a pretty convincing argument. So I told him that if you reject me and break my heart he’ll have to take care of me. But he said that wouldn’t happen and I guess I’m holding on to that tiny bit of hope.”
“You’re in love with me?”
“Yeah.”
Regulus felt like he was going to cry, he wasn’t sure why, “Really? Love? You love me?”
James took a step forward, and this time he didn’t back away, “Yes. I love you, Regulus.”
It felt like something had frozen, Regulus felt cold and stiff. Had he really died?
“Huh.”
“What?”
Regulus laughed, “I- I thought you’d found out that I was in love with you and that you wanted to talk to me to reject me.”
James smiled unsurely, “Really?”
“Yeah, I was fully prepared for you to break my heart,” he continued laughing. Stepping forward and grabbing James' hands, interlocking their fingers.
The other boy smiled, “That’s sad.”
“That’s what I was expecting,” he shrugged.
“Soo, you’re not rejecting me?” James whispered.
Regulus snorted, “I think I would be insane to do that. I love you too, James.”
While soft smiles were shared between the two boys, James’ hands gently placed themselves on Regulus' cheeks, framing his face. Slowly but surely their faces came closer, and their lips met in a gentle kiss.
When the two broke apart they were met with each other's bright smiles. James chuckled and Regulus rested his head on his shoulder, looking out the window, feeling happier than ever.
“It’s snowing.”
Regulus is going to have to thank his brother the next time he sees him.
This was a good day.