Chapter 5
Remus, Sirius and James joined the group "Morning Dickheads!" Lily choked on her pumkin Juice at Marlene's comment "Y'all missed a hell of a show"
James raised an eyebrow. Lily started to explain while Remus tried to blend out all the noise and brightness of the great hall.
Tonight it was time again. He just hoped it would be over fast. Those nights will forever haunt him. Wherever he goes, he'll take the grey monster with him. He can't escape it, no matter how hard he wants it.
Sirius looked concerned. He hated to see Remus in so much pain.If he could, he'd take all of Remus pain and take it himself. And If he'd die for it. As long a Remus was okay, nothing else mattered.
The day went on painfully slow. It was getting harder and harder for Remus to concentrate. Lily had faked to feel sick, so she could leave class "Professor?Could I take Remus with me? I don't feel so good on my own" Professor Slughorn nodded "Get well Miss. Evans"
"Thank you Professor" She'd taken his arm and led him outside "You didn't have to, lily" His voice sounded heavy "I did. You couldn't have taken another moment in there. Should we go back to the dorms or where do you wanna go?"
His mind went to Sirius, which couldn't happen, because he and James were currently in a different class.
"Dorms" Lily nodded and went into the boys dorms with him. He curled up on his bed and pushed his face into his cushion. His migrane was getting more painful every second.
"What do you want me to do, Remus?" She kept her voice low and calm "Padfoot"
It was all he managed to get out. She sighed "I'll be right back"
Lily almost sprinted towards the classroom. In her luck,class just ended and she spotted James and Sirius.She made her way over to them "Sirius!"
The black haired boy looked at her "Lily?Where's Remus?" She paused for a moment "In your dorm. His migranes are getting worse and he asked for you-"
That was all Sirius needed to run off. Lily wasn't even able to finish her sentence. She looked at James "Just us then" She nodded "Let's go to the common room. I got no more classes"he said.
"Me neither. We should let them be alone for a bit. Remus really looked awful"
Sirius had been in the dorm in under 2 minutes. He accidently pushed a 2nd year on the way. He quickly helped her up, apologised and kept his fast pace up.
He opened the door quietly "Moons?It's just me" He also kept his voice low. Remus body was shaking. Was he crying?
Sirius sat on the bed and Remus instantly crawled onto his lap. His hands were clinging onto Sirius pants "It hurts so bad" Remus was definitly crying "I know" Sirius hands went to Remus hair.
Remus quietly sobbed into Sirius lap "Fix it"
"Fix what?"
"Me"
Sirius hesitated "You don't need fixing. You're perfect"
"I'm a monster"
"Then what am I?"
"You're not one"
Sirius chuckled "With my genes?"
"You're not like them" Sirius sighed "I hope one day you will see yourself how I see you, and then finally realise, that you're so beautiful and perfect.Not even the moon or stars together can beat the love I have for you. Not even James can"
The last sentence was whispered even quieter. Remus breathed out "You don't mean that. James stand above everything, you said that yourself"
"Platonic love isn't always as strong as..."
"I hope we stay friends forever"
Remus lifted himself up to look at Sirius. He had raised an eyebrow "I hope not."
Silence filled the room.
"If I keep pretending you're just my friend, I might loose it, Lupin.Everytime I see you, I want to die because you're so fucking gorgeous. You make me lose every sanity that I had left. I want to give you anything you ask for. Fuck but I cant. I want everything of you, but I cant have that"
"Why not"
"I'd break you."
"I'm already broken"
Sirius shook his head "You're hurt and traumatised. Not broken" Remus eyes filled with tears again.
James legs were hanging from the couch and Lily was reading "So how is it going?"
She looked up from her book "With what?" He shrugged "Life?"
"Great." He nodded "And yours"
"Good." She nodded too "Cool"
The common room door opened, and the rest of the girls and Peter came in "Hey? Where are the other two?"
Marlene plopped down onto Dorcas lap, who was sitting next to James head "Remus wasn't feeling all to well and we sent Sirius to take care of him. Because they're the closest, you know?" Marlene nodded at lily's statement, missing the way James tensed up.
His head went back into the clouds. Lily noticed it, but left it uncommented. She made a silent note to ask about it later tho.
"So how long are we gonna be here?" Peter asked "As long as they need, Wormtail" James stared at the ceiling. Peter nodded "Then forever" Lily chuckled quietly at his remark.
Back in the dorm, Sirius and Remus were just staring at each other. A tear rolled down Remus cheeks "No, Moony" Sirius reached out to wipe away the now rolling tears. Remus leaned into his touch "I want it to be over"
"I know you do" Remus let out a chocked up sob. Sirius heart broke into million pieces "Come here. Let it out" Sirius opened his arms, which Remus crawled in.
It wasn't the first time they were in this position. Sirius had held Remus many full moons. Either before or after. He just knew when Remus needed it, and even tho they were just friends, in those moments it felt like much more.
Sirius closed his eyes. He never felt this way before. It felt like dying but flying at the same time. Like the universe had given him everything but nothing. Like all the pain was healed but also redone. As if time stopped but also went by like nothing.
The day he came out to James about his feelings for the lycanthrope, he had told James exactly how he felt. James hadn't said anything at first, and Sirius was getting nervous. James suddenly smiled.
"I know you do."
"What?How?"James raised an eyebrow "You're pretty obvious to everyone but him. Or he just ignores it, I'm not sure."Sirius was stunned "And you never said anything?"
"Wanted you to come out at your own pace."Sirius nodded.
The movement of the boy in his arms brought him back into the present. Remus was still crying but not as hard as a few minutes ago "You'll be okay, moons" Remus only clung harder onto Sirius and closed his eyes.
"I'll be here.As long as you want me to"
Remus cling onto Sirius, as if his life depended on it, which it sometimes actually did.
-
Barty was walking into the slytherin common room.His eyes scanned the room and landed on two blondes "Hey Dora" He looked at the other girl "Flo"
"Hey Barty.What can we do for you?" Pandora laid her book in her lap, and flo set her quill down.
"Have you guys seen Reggie?"Pandora looked at Florence, who only shook her head "Me neither, sorry barty" The brunette sighed "Thanks lady's.But If you do see him, tell him I'm looking for him, yeah?"
The girls nodded and watched Barty walking off to the dormitory's.
"Isn't it weird?"Pandora said, her eyes fixed on the common entrance "What's weird?" Flo tilted her head "That Regulus just disappears and comes back as if nothing had happened.
Something is wrong, but I don't know what."
Florence nodded "That's what you mean.Yeah, he's been acting like that since he came back from the manor."
"Who knows what happened again..."Pandora said, slight panic settling into her bones. Flo continued writing her potion essay.
"I'll be right back, yeah?" Before Florence could respond, Pandora was out the door.
On her way she ran into Evan and Dorcas "Dora? Hey, you okay?" She nodded "Gotta go!Sorry Evan!" He looked after her and shrugged "What's up with her?" Dorcas asked, hooking her arm back into Evans "I don't know"
Please don't be here.Please. Please. Please don't.
Pandora opened the heavy dark wood door to the astronomy tower and ran up the cold stone stairs.
Now it was only another dark wood door, that separated her and the ugly truth.