Regulus felt numb. The sky was covered in thick gray clouds that dripped rain on the umbrellas of the funeral attendees. It felt so right that there would be no more sun without James. Just the sky, crying for James, mourning the sun. Regulus’s damp hair fell in his eyes, but he didn’t need to be able to see to know that the body in that coffin was James, with his tan skin, and messy black hair, and brown eyes that used to be so full of life. Now they were dead. He was dead.
Regulus watched in silence as people placed flowers on the casket, and as they walked by, mumbling insincere apologies for something they had no part in causing. There were people he knew, and people he didn’t. The funeral ended and he watched people get up and leave, ready to move on with their lives, but how could they? How could they when the sun, that brought life, and warmth, and light to everything it touched, was dead? How did they have the strength to continue, as if everything was fine? Nothing would ever be fine again. Not without James. Silent tears dripped down Regulus’s face. Of all the things in this universe, why did the sun have to die? Why did the universe have to take away the only thing that still loved him? It wasn’t fair. He hadn’t been happy before he met James, and now he couldn’t live without him. His happiness was intrinsically tied to James. So how was he to continue without him?
He hadn’t heard himself stand up. He hadn’t heard himself start walking. He hadn’t heard him open the door to the flat they used to share. He hadn’t heard that same door slam shut. He hadn’t heard as he stomped up the stairs. He hadn’t heard him go into his study and pull out a pen and paper. He hadn’t heard as he furiously wrote. He hadn’t heard as he pulled out a gun and pointed it to his own head. All he heard was the gunshot when he pulled the trigger.
The hospital room he woke up in should have signified that Regulus was still alive. But it didn’t. The bedside tables were covered in flowers of all different sizes and colors, and next to the left one was a man, leaning over and cupping Regulus’s cheek.
“Hi again, love,” James said with a sad smile and tears in his eyes. Regulus grabbed the man who would have been his husband, and pulled him into an embrace. “Why did you do that, love?” James whispered. Regulus sobbed into James’s shirt.
“I couldn’t go without you. I love you so much, James,” Regulus said through the tears.
“I love you too, Reg. That’s why I can’t let you stay.”
“No,” Reg whispered, pulling away to look at James. “Don’t leave me again. I can’t lose you again.” Tears streamed down Regulus’s face.
“You aren’t ever going to lose me, love. I’ll always be there for you. I promise,” James said, letting Regulus cling to him.
“No. Please, James.”
James smiled sadly and pulled Regulus into a hug. He kissed the top of his head. “I’ll see you soon, love. But for now, you have to wake up.”
And Regulus opened his eyes.
This time the hospital room was real. He was alive. He hadn’t wanted to be alive. James wanted him to be alive. Instead of James, Sirius was sitting in the chair next to the bed. There was a vase with hyacinths on the bedside table. There were get well soon cards and balloons. He had forgotten that there were still people who cared about him.
“Hi Sirius,” he said, staring at his brother.
“Reg…” Sirius leaned over and hugged his brother. Regulus hugged back. Sirius cried softly.
“I’m so sorry, Sirius. I’m so sorry.”
Sirius pulled away to look at him. “I’m the one who should be sorry. I should have gone with you after the funeral. I should have been there for you.” Regulus shook his head.
“You were grieving. I was grieving. I made it worse,” Regulus said. Sirius pulled away and sat back down. All was quiet for a minute.
“Can I tell you a secret, Sirius?” Regulus asked, not looking at his brother.
“Anything, Reg.”
Regulus took a deep breath. “I saw James. While I was unconscious. He was there. He told me to wake up. So I did.”
Sirius smiled sadly. “That’s just like him. Dead and still trying to make sure everyone else is okay.” Regulus nodded and looked out the window. The sun was coming up in its vibrant shades of orange.
“Sometimes I forget that people care about me,” Regulus said, still watching the sunrise. “I got so used to being alone, that when I’m not alone anymore, I block them out. James got through that barrier. He taught me to love myself and love others. I don’t really know how to do it without him.” He felt the tears fill his eyes again, but there was still a sad smile on his face.
“I’m here for you, Reg. I always will be. You’re my little brother,” Sirius said, placing his hand on Regulus’s arm.
“I know Sirius,” Regulus said, sure that it was the truth this time. “But he’s the reason that I know it’s true. He brought me to you, and without him that bond feels… missing.” Regulus struggled with his words. “It feels like there’s a… hollowness in my chest where James used to be. Like everything he brought to my life had disappeared from my world along with him.”
“I understand, Regulus,” Sirius said quietly. “He was my best friend. He gave me a home, and a family outside of that house. He’s… he was such a special person to everyone whose life he was in. He always tried to make people’s lives a bit sunnier.”
“He was just like the sun,” Regulus said, tears dripping down his face, the colors of the sunrise, blurring and glowing and shining in his vision.
“Yeah,” Sirius replied.
They were quiet for a minute, watching the sun’s orange hues rise through the sky. James would have thought it was beautiful.
“Reg?” Sirius said.
“Yes, Sirius?”
“I’m here for you.” Regulus turned away from the sunrise, a sad smile and tears on his face.
“Thank you, Sirius,” Regulus said. Sirius leaned in and hugged his brother. Regulus shook with silent sobs. He knew this hole in his chest would never quite be filled, but this moment, his brother here for him, may have helped to fill it up a little bit.
A few hours later, Regulus was released from the hospital. In the lobby he was met by the friends he forgot that he had. A woman with blonde hair and dreamcatcher earrings ran at him.
“Regulus!” Pandora cried, wrapping her arms around her friend.
“Hi Pandora,” Regulus replied softly. He could never get upset at Pandora, even though his shoulder ached. He had been told that he had shot himself in the shoulder instead of the head.
Pandora looked up at him, her eyes red as if she had been crying. She probably had.
“We were so worried about you, but only family was allowed in,” Pandora said, sounding so worried. Regulus felt awful. She had been mourning James too. They all had. He had gone too far.
“Give him some space, Dora,” Dorcas said, placing a jewelry-covered hand on her friend’s shoulder.
Pandora sniffled. “Right. Sorry, Reggie.” she gave him another hug and a sad smile, and walked over to the rest of their friends.
Dorcas’s dark eyes were bloodshot. She’d cried because of him too. Dorcas rarely ever cried.
“We were worried about you,” she said, fiddling with one of her braids.
“I know. I’m sorry,” Regulus said back. Dorcas looked exhausted, like she hadn’t been sleeping. She hadn’t looked like this the last time they had talked.
“Talk to us, Regulus. We’re all here for you,” She said firmly, as if this was an undeniable fact. Perhaps it was.
“I know. I’m sorry I forgot.” Then Dorcas did something she had only ever done once. She hugged Regulus tightly, burying her face in Regulus’s non-hurt shoulder. After a minute she pulled away.
“You’ve got more people waiting to hear from you. You should go talk to them,” Dorcas said, wiping tears from her eyes. Regulus nodded.
Dorcas stepped back as Barty and Evan stepped forward, shouting out a jumbled mess of words.
“Calm down! He just got released. Regulus doesn’t need you idiots yelling at him,” Sirius said, putting his arm around Regulus. He’d never much liked Evan and Barty, and Sirius certainly disapproved of their friendship with Regulus. Regulus pushed Sirius’s arm off his shoulder.
“It’s ok, Sirius,” Regulus said, smiling slightly. Barty and Evan looked at him with wide eyes. Sirius walked away and Evan and Barty just kept staring.
“Let me get this straight,” Evan said. “You shot yourself in the shoulder, and woke up with a nice relationship with your brother?”
“I mean, not exactly, but… kind of?” Regulus replied.
“Wow. Weird,” Barty said.
“Well then…” Evan said. “Are you okay now?” he asked quietly.
“Yeah. I think so,” Regulus said.
“Cool then!” Barty said. “Sorry you can’t go out drinking with us until that wound of yours is healed.”
“Yeah,” Regulus said. “I could use a drink.”
“Call us if you need one,” Evan said, patting Regulus’s good shoulder. Regulus nodded.
He was smiling. He was actually smiling. That hole in his chest, the one that hurt so much, was feeling a little less empty. There was love and wholeness in his friends, in the care from Pandora and Dorcas and Barty and Evan, and in Sirius. He had forgotten that they cared for him, with or without James. It felt good to know he was cared for
For the first few weeks after he was released, he stayed with Sirius and Remus. He wanted to go back to living in the flat, but it had still smelled like James, and Regulus just wasn’t ready.
“It’s okay, Reg,” Sirius had said. “You can stay with me and Remus. Just take it day by day.” And so he did. He stayed in their guest room for a couple days. Sirius would come in every once in a while with food and water, or just a hug. Dorcas and Barty and Pandora and Evan came by to check on him on a daily basis. After about two months, he started moving back into the old flat. His friends asked him over and over again ‘Are you sure you’re ready?’ but he was sure.
When he arrived at the flat, it was dark and cold. He didn’t remember it being like that. It faintly smelled like oranges, and James’s shampoo. There were dishes in the sink last time he was there. There weren’t any more. One of his friends probably came and cleaned them. He wandered into the bedroom. The bed was unmade. James’s clothes were still in the closet. Regulus slipped on a bright red sweatshirt. It was James’s favorite sweatshirt. It still smelled like James. He slipped into the bed, feeling warm, wrapped in something that felt like the sun.
It wasn’t very bright when Regulus woke up. He smiled softly. It felt like James was with him, holding him, just like he used to. He got up and made the bed, before flopping back down onto the bed. He was overwhelmed by the familiarity and the routine. He would have to work his way back to normality.
Once he got back out of bed, he decided to go through the kitchen. Unfortunately all the food had expired during the two months he had been gone. The last time he remembered anything being cooked in this room, James was cooking dinner, and they were laughing and listening to music, and dancing when an ABBA song started playing from the playlist. But that was before he broke out coughing. That was before Regulus had frantically called for an ambulance while James was passed out on the floor. That was before the doctor in the hospital told him that James wouldn’t survive.
Regulus wouldn’t think about it more. He had just come home and he wasn’t going to leave again. He decided to go through storage and find the things that James had left behind. There were traces of him everywhere, in the messy drawers of his nightstand, and the collection of candy in his jacket pocket. In the nightstand, there was a small leather-covered box. Regulus wasn’t sure if he wanted to open it, if he was ready to see what James left for him in this little box that was hidden in the mess of the nightstand. James would have wanted him to have it, whatever it was. Regulus tried to imagine how James would have given it to him. Regulus could hear his voice, with his constant laugh in it. ‘Come on, Reg!’ he probably would have said. ‘Close your eyes! I’ve got a surprise for you!’ Regulus imagined James saying, laughing and smiling, his glasses falling down his face. He took a deep breath, in and out, and closed his eyes, just like James would have asked him to, as he opened the box. He slowly opened his eyes. He gasped, choking back a shocked sob, before melting into a sad smile as his eyes filled with tears for what felt like the thousandth time. Only this time, he felt almost… happy. Inside that little box was a ring. A gold one, with a beautiful, shining emerald, surrounded with intricate designs of suns, and stars, and a serpent encircling the gem, and this was just like James to get. They never had a formal proposal, they had just sort of agreed that they would get married, and that had been enough for Regulus. But James hadn’t been satisfied with the quiet agreement. Of course he hadn’t. Of course he had gone and bought this beautiful ring and of course inscribed on the inside were the words ‘together always’, not in any beautiful swirling letters, but in James’s own slightly messy, slanted handwriting. It was so unbelievably like him, that it was almost like he was there. That the weight of the box was James’s hand. But it wasn’t. It was just the reminder that James had loved him and had wanted to spend the rest of his life with him. The reminder that even though they were already engaged, he would take the time and spend the money to do a beautiful, romantic proposal, because that had to be what this ring was for.
Regulus took out the ring and slipped it onto his finger. The metal was cold against his skin. He ran his thumb along it, feeling the intricate designs. Tears slipped down his face as he smiled. James would forever be with him, in the beauty of the ring on his finger, and the smiles in the photos on his phone and on the nightstand. He will always be there.
On the second night back in the apartment, Regulus dreamed. It was the kitchen of their apartment, filled with warm light, and the scent of oranges, and of James, as he walked from the stove to the counter where Regulus sat on a stool. It was just like that horrible night, but also like every night before, where one of them would cook and they would play music and laugh. And now James was here and there was a familiar song playing though Regulus could barely hear it. James leaned against the counter, gazing lovingly at Regulus.
“You’re doing it, Reg,” James said, cupping Regulus’s cheek in his palm.
“Doing what?” Regulus asked.
“Living. You’re going on and living.” James slipped his hand down Regulus’s neck, and held up Regulus’s hand. He gazed down at the ring on his finger. “And you found this,” he said mournfully. “Do you like it?”
“It’s beautiful, James,” Regulus said, smiling lovingly.
“May I see it?” James asked. Regulus nodded. James slipped the ring off of Regulus’s finger. “Close your eyes, love.” Regulus did, knowing what would come next. “Open your eyes now,” James murmured, lovingly after a moment. Regulus did, to find James on one knee, the ring perched in the little velvet box he had found it in. James held it out, grinning.
“Regulus Arcturus Black, would you marry me?” James asked. Would you marry me? He hadn’t asked for Regulus to marry him. He asked if he would if they still could. And there was no way that Regulus could say no.
“Yes,” Regulus whispered. James’ grin spread across his face as he slid the ring back onto Regulus’s finger, slipping his fingers in between Regulus’s. James stood up and cupped Regulus’s cheek. He leaned forward and kissed Regulus. This moment was what Regulus had wanted. This familiar warmth that he used to have with James. It was beautiful, but it wasn’t real. Regulus pulled away.
“I loved you, James,” Regulus said sadly.
“I love you too, Reg,” James replied lovingly.
“I loved you… but I know I have to move on. As much as I don’t want to,” Regulus said, cupping James’s cheek.
James smiled softly. “I understand, love. But it was nice to know what would have happened, right?”
“Yeah,” Regulus smiled. “It was nice.”
“I just wish it was real.”
“I do too.” Regulus leaned in and embraced James. He kissed James on his cheek. “I’ll miss you.”
“Don’t forget me, okay?” James asked, his glasses slipping down his nose.
“I won’t.” Regulus said, smiling lovingly, as he pushed the glasses up. “I’ll never forget you, love.” James nodded. “Goodbye James.”
“Bye, love.”
James didn’t show up in Regulus’s dreams again. It was hard to live with at first, trying to move on without James. Seeing James in everything but never seeing his face. Hearing his voice in his head, but lacking that brightness and warmth that Regulus just never quite had. Sirius had been supportive and they had gotten closer. It was hard to grow apart when Sirius refused to leave him alone. Regulus didn’t blame him though. After what happened after the funeral, Sirius was scared that he would regress.
Regulus hadn’t gone back into the study since that day, hearing from Pandora that she had cleaned up the blood (eventually). He hadn’t asked, but then again, he hadn’t talked much while he was staying with Sirius and Remus. He was grateful that he didn’t have to smell the blood though.
Regulus felt awful for his selfishness. Sirius had been mourning too. Regulus had just gone and made it worse. He would never forget the night he had heard Sirius crying in his room, and when he asked Remus, he had replied “He’s been doing that every night. I’m surprised you haven’t heard it”. That was when he started listening. Sirius did cry every night. He seemed to have the same nightmares that kept Regulus up each night. Regulus just hadn’t heard through the demons in his head. He didn’t ask Sirius about it. He moved out soon after.
He had started family therapy with Sirius, at Remus’s request. The therapist was one of Remus’s old mentors, Poppy Pomfrey, a kind and understanding old woman, who had been a nurse when she was younger. She had been very kind about the more unfortunate parts of their lives, and while she had helped Regulus and Sirius get closer, Regulus always found himself emotionally drained and wanting to be alone afterwards.
He started going out with his friends again after five months or so. Going to odd little antique shops, or local bakeries and cafes with Pandora, grabbing coffee before trying on clothes with Dorcas, going out drinking with Barty and Evan who had apparently gotten engaged at some point before Regulus started hanging out with them again. He had unfortunately missed this important part of his friend’s lives. He started crying when Barty asked him to be best man. His friends were there for him the entire time.
Time seemed to pass without him. Six months went to a year, and suddenly he was at Barty and Evan’s wedding, standing at his friend’s side, wondering how this could have happened so soon, when it felt like Barty had asked for him to be the best man a couple days ago. But it wasn’t days. It had been almost a year since James died, and yet it felt like a couple of weeks since he woke up in the hospital room, with his brother by his side. Sometimes it felt like he was getting better. Sometimes it felt like he was only getting worse. On the worst nights he would call Sirius and cry, and he would come over and tell him everything would be okay, and Regulus would cry out for James, as if he was there, on the floor, just like that night. On those nights, he would only sleep once the sun had risen.
He would never forget the morning he found Sirius walking out of the study, the gun in his shaking hands, as he begged Regulus to go back to bed. Regulus did because Sirius sounded scared for him. As if seeing the gun would set him back. He would let Sirius be worried. He probably should be.
He had less and less incidents as time went on. For the most part, time started to feel normal again. Regulus didn’t know if it was because of Poppy Pomfrey’s help, or his newly strong bond with Sirius, or the support from his friends, but it didn’t matter. He got to experience happiness with his friends and he got to see them enjoy their lives. He attended their weddings as the years went by, watching them announce their undying love. It always made him feel closer to James.
After Regulus’s friends and Sirius had gotten married, Regulus was alone for a while. His friends didn’t have as much time with the business of married life, but they made time for group gatherings, and Sirius made time to visit Regulus, and Barty and Evan were always up for a drink. His friends were always there for him, and he couldn’t be more thankful.
He never did fall in love again. He just never found anyone to replace the sun. He would always miss James, and that hole would never be filled, but it hurt less as time went on. He never took off James’s ring, never forgetting James. It took a long time to be okay again, but he got there.
He was okay.
He would never be alone again.
Even though the world had gone dark, the sun rose again, and he was still there.