DAY FIVE - the end
The room was entirely too bright.
Remus was sat up in his bed, trying to figure out through squinted, stinging eyes what the commotion going on around him was. He could just about make out the blurred shapes of his roommates falling about the dorm.
He took in a breath.
Or rather, tried to.
The air was barely able to suck down his throat. He could feel flowers in his windpipe, growing and choking and climbing the passage as they took root.
“ Hey Moony, think fast !”
Remus hadn’t so much as registered the warning before his chest was whacked by the ammunition slung at him.
The force threw him backwards and he landed on weak, unsteady arms, digging his palms into the warm sheets behind him for support.
The weapon tumbled down slowly to his lap and he looked down at it.
It was a sock .
Remus blinked stars at the innocent item of clothing, feeling his head swim.
“Morning to you too,” he croaked, quickly realising the words were almost inaudible from his lack of breath.
“Glad to see you’re up, Moony,” James greeted, sifting through his wardrobe to find a clean fleece. “It’s about ten minutes to breakfast, so if you’re fit enough to join us, you better hurry.”
Upon Remus’s dazed, confused silence, James paused getting ready, foot halfway through his trouser leg, to assess him with a furrowed brow.
“ Are you well enough to join us? You’re not feeling any worse, are you? You’re looking a little– uh– faint , Moony.”
Unsurprisingly, Remus responded with a loud, hacking cough, hunching over the bed. His hands moved automatically to cover his mouth, and he couldn’t help but wonder if his body was strong enough to survive coughing up another Snapdragon stalk.
But to his surprise, no flowers emerged .
Not a stalk, not a floret, not even a petal.
He could feel them in his throat, constricting his breath and making him wheeze little puffs of air, but they wouldn’t budge.
He lowered his arms slowly, unsure of what to think. He was relieved, of course , that he didn’t have any flowers to hide–
But what did this mean for his health ?
He let out a small sigh anyway, easing back up into a sitting position.
“ Holy shit .”
Remus looked up at the exclamation to see the three pale faces of his friends staring back at him, eyes wide with horror .
“What?” He asked, and his stomach did a nauseating flip.
Peter wordlessly lifted his arm, still staring unblinkingly, and pointed to his own mouth, gesturing vaguely.
Remus mirrored him, eyebrows knitted together in confusion, and swiped his fingertips at the parting in his lips.
He felt a wetness on his fingers and his stomach lurched. He knew what it was before he even lowered his hands to see it.
There, staining his ashen fingers, was a splotch of glossy, crimson blood.
Suddenly, Remus felt dizzy. The world seemed to blur before his eyes and his thoughts halted. He moved mechanically, wiping his mouth once more against the back of his hand. A stammered streak of maroon smeared across his skin like ink from a drying marker, and it contrasted boldly against his sallow colour.
He lowered his hand again, staring at the sickening painting– but something caught his eye .
Slowly, he turned his wrists to face him fully.
Bright green veins stood out starkly against his waxen skin, roping around like vines and branching like roots.
Remus began to tremble as his eyes remained fixed on his arms.
“ Jesus Christ ,” he breathed, only then remembering his depletion of air as his words were almost too quiet for even his own ears to catch.
His face pulled back up to see his friends, none of whom had so much as twitched in movement.
His eyes found Sirius’s, and that seemed to free him from his immobility.
Sirius walked slowly to the bed, sitting on the very edge of the mattress. He didn’t speak as he reached forward, cautiously, as though the ill boy would instantly shatter from too sudden of a movement.
Remus wasn’t blind to the uncertainty in his hesitant hands and the fine tremor they held.
A pale hand cupped his jaw, impossibly gently as though he was made of glass.
Grey eyes met amber ones, before trailing down his face. He brushed his thumb against Remus’s lower lip and he pulled his hand back with a shudder.
“You missed a bit,” his voice crackled. His wide, unseeing eyes were staring at the drying smudge of deep red on his fingertip.
Slowly, he looked back up to Remus, face setting in resolution.
“You’re going to the hospital wing.” His eyes were welling up.
“Sirius, I’m fine, really,” Remus tried. It would all be– hopefully – resolved in a few hours. “I can just go to my lessons and–”
“ This –” Sirius cried in frustration, waving his bloodstained hand furiously, “ Is not fine !”
Remus’s mouth opened uselessly, but Sirius carried on.
“ Why do you always do this? You tell me you’re fine even when you’re on death’s fucking doorstep !”
“Sirius–”
“ No ! Remus, you’ve always done this! You lied to us about your fucking Lycanthropy , for fucks sake!”
“That’s different!” He retorted, voice thin from the exertion.
“–I wish you’d just tell me when you’re in pain!” Sirius shouted, face now wet from the hot tears streaming down his cheeks. “I want to be able to help you however, whenever I can because I love you –”
“ Oh .”
“–And you’re the greatest friend I could have ever had–”
“ Ah .”
“–But you’re so fucking stubborn !”
Sirius was crying now, full body sobs that drowned his words. His face was flushed in exasperation, and Remus had never despised himself as much as he did in that very moment.
“ Remus –” He choked out, “Just please –” but he couldn’t finish the sentence as he was overcome with another sob.
He couldn’t take it any more. Leaning forward, he grasped Sirius’s drawn face in his hands, making their eyes meet.
“ Don’t cry for me , please .”
Sirius sniffed, and he leant into his hands, shutting his tired eyes. Remus could feel his palm wet from salty tears, and he noticed the hot, fast streaks of his own.
“I can’t help it. You worry me .”
They rested like that for a moment, in a strange equilibrium. Remus smoothed his thumb in comforting circles over Sirius’s drying cheeks, which were pressed into his palms. His tangled black lashes fanned his cheek, and Remus desperately wanted to place a kiss on each of his delicate eyelids.
He let himself give in to the desperation, just this once.
Remus pressed forward, holding Sirius’s face gently in his hands, and dusted a feather light kiss on each of his eyelids.
Sirius gasped quietly, his eyes opening and staring widely– and imploringly – up at Remus’s flushed face. His lips parted slightly but no words were able to come out as he continued to stare unwaveringly.
Remus felt nauseating regret begin to swirl in his stomach. His eyes cast down, burning holes into his lap. He could feel Sirius’s stare still fixed on him.
“Okay,” James said gravely, breaking the painfully tense silence. “Remus, you definitely aren’t going to your classes today.”
Remus’s attention snapped to him, betrayed.
“ Wait , but–” he tried protesting but James was quick to cut him off.
“ However ,” he continued, looking over the rim of his glasses in his mother-like scorn. “We can’t make you go to the hospital wing if you don’t want to.”
It was Sirius’s turn to protest now, spinning around in his spot of the bed to gawk at James.
“But Prongs -”
“Pads, we can’t force him to go, and dragging him there might do more harm than good,” he sighed.
The two boys huffed but didn’t continue to argue.
“Now, I think Pads, Wormy, and I should continue getting dressed, and then I need a moment to chat with Moons.”
Sirius glowered, sighing in resignation as he stood up from Remus’s bed. He shot him one last pained look before mutely following James’s orders.
After pulling on the last of their clothes, Peter and Sirius were sent to wait outside the room, but not without Sirius pleading with James to “ talk some sense into Moony !” and that if he didn't, Sirius would drag Remus to the hospital wing himself.
James shut the door and cast a silencing charm due to the likelihood of eavesdropping.
He walked over to Remus’s bed, occupying the spot Sirius had just abandoned, and took one of the boy’s arms in his own.
He studied the green vines on his wrist, frowning.
“It’s getting really bad, Moons,” he muttered, glancing up at his lined face.
“I know,” Remus whispered, feeling incapable of speaking any louder.
James lowered his hand back onto the bed, and he breathed a deep, tired sigh.
“You have to tell him, Remus.”
“I know,” he replied again, but continued speaking upon seeing the exhaustion haunting the other’s features. “I plan to, today, but not right now, and probably not before dinner–”
“ Remus –”
“I know! I know, okay? It’s happening to me after all! I’m the one who’s most aware of how it’s literally killing me! But the guilt, the fucking guilt, of laying this all on Sirius possibly days, or even hours–” James sucked in a sharp breath, “–before I’m dead has me more terrified than death itself. And I know for a fact that if I died– whether it was because Sirius didn’t love me back or I told him too late– he would absolutelydrown himself in guilt.
“James, the last thing I want to happen is for the person I love more than anyone else to hate himself for something he didn’t fucking have a say in . I can’t have Sirius blame himself for my death because he couldn’t control who he loved– or rather, who he didn’t. I can’t have –” he broke off, realising only after a great sob had cut into his sentence that he had been crying.
James was quick to shuffle closer to him, wrapping an arm around his shaking shoulders and whispering words of comfort that Remus couldn’t hear.
It dawned on him that he hadn’t actually cried about this yet. He hadn’t confronted how he felt about having a life-threatening illness that could very well cause his doom in a much too short amount of time.
A dam had broken.
Remus couldn’t control the sobs that wracked his body with force strong enough to jolt him around. He barely even took notice of how James had moved to be able to fully wrap him in a hug, and he cried into the padded shoulder of his Quidditch fleece. The warm, mahogany scent of his friend only made him cry more.
He cried until no more tears could fall from his eyes, which didn’t take very long given that this was already reaching his second bout of vehement sobbing in the hour.
He pulled back from James’s shoulder, grimacing at the large wet spot he had left, no doubt a mix of tears, snot and sweat.
Crying took a lot of energy.
James waved his hand dismissively before Remus could even get the apology out.
“You need to go or you’ll be late,” he sniffled instead.
“There’s no rush,” James offered, patting his shoulder gently.
“No, no,” Remus shook his head. “You should get to class. And anyway, the longer you stay here, the more worried Pads and Wormy will be.”
“Okay,” he acquiesced, nodding. “But I’m going to have either Padfoot, Wormtail or I come up here to check on you throughout the day.”
Remus didn’t doubt it.
“I’m gonna sleep some more since I have the chance,” he said, already leaning back onto his pillow.
James smiled and stood up. “Glad to see you’re still you.”
The glint in his eyes turned softer as he continued.
“I love you, Rem, we all do.”
A sob threatened to choke out so Remus waved him off urgently.
“Leave before I cry again.”
James ruffled his hair before quickly leaving the room to make it for the last minutes of breakfast.
As much as he needed to, Remus didn’t go to sleep.
Instead, the moment the door swung shut, he braced his arms on the bed and pushed himself up, groaning.
His legs were barely awake enough to carry him to his desk, but he managed out of pure adrenaline.
He rummaged through his desk drawer and pulled out a clean scroll, quill, and ink pot.
He fell ungracefully into the chair, throwing down the equipment and cracking his already sore knuckles.
The quill scratched against the scroll as he began writing.
A confession.
“What to say, what to say …” Remus muttered, nibbling on the end of his quill in thought.
So, the craziest thing happened a few days ago.
He put a line through it.
I’m so in love with you, it’s killing me. Literally.
He crossed it out.
Sirius Orion Black I have Hanahaki and it’s because I am irrevocably, entirely in love with you and have been for seven whole years.
Another strike-through.
“Good god,” Remus muttered, head in hand.
His arms gave out beneath him with a puff of air and he lay uncomfortably on top of his desk, overcome with exhaustion.
He let his eyes slip shut. Maybe he’d be able to come up with something after he woke up.
* * * * * *
“ Moony ,” a voice singsonged brightly.
Remus’s head snapped up and his neck burned from the odd position it had been folded into.
Sirius was prancing through the door he had flung open, carrying a tray. He grinned.
“I bring food.”
There was a crinkle under Remus’s arms as he sat further up, and suddenly, he remembered the scroll.
Immediately, he grabbed the paper in a panic and shoved it into his drawer. In his haste, however, he knocked the ink pot onto its side, and his body ached from being hunched over.
“Woah, woah! Slow down, Moons!” Sirius chuckled in amusement.
“God, sorry,” Remus groaned, massaging his forehead.
Sirius laughed, placing the tray down onto the desk.
“Merlin, you’re a mess Moony-” he paused and gestured to his face. “Er– you’ve got– um– you’ve got–” he stepped forward and lifted his hand, wiping the side of Remus’s face.
Remus flushed, the touch setting his skin alight. He settled into the hold, feeling the tension in his joints begin to ease.
Sirius smiled softly at him and his fingers began gently kneading the skin below Remus’s jaw.
“You’ve got ink on your face,” he said with a soft laugh.
Using his free hand, Sirius picked up Remus’s wand and easily cast a cleaning spell at the staining on his skin.
Remus couldn’t help the warm feeling that bloomed inside him at the natural way Sirius used his wand. He felt flowers swirl excitedly in his chest and honestly, he didn’t blame them.
Sirius dropped the wand back on the table but he didn’t lower his hand. His thumb soothed over Remus’s cheekbone, while his other fingers edged their way into the hair at the base of his head, massaging softly. The touch brought even more blood to Remus’s cheeks.
His heart rose in his throat when Sirius’s eyes met his, and suddenly, he was entranced.
It was like a force more mighty than he could control was drawing him in to Sirius– who must have been feeling it, too, as he moved closer.
The flowers in his chest began to flutter upwards in a building swarm that rose higher and higher the closer he got to Sirius.
His eyes fell to the other’s lips, and oh , how he wanted to cry at the sight of them, red and plush and parted .
He looked back up, but didn’t meet grey eyes. They were cast further down his own face. He could feel their burning stare on his gasping mouth.
They were moving closer and closer, the flowers flitting higher and higher, and Remus was dizzy and dazed and oh , so desperate .
Sirius was leaning down now, stray locks of his hair falling and brushing against Remus’s face like silk.
They were close enough for Remus to be able to feel Sirius’s breath ghosting his skin.
He sat up further a fraction in his chair. They were so close–
And suddenly, he was coughing.
He coughed violently into his elbow, hunching over the armrest to be as far away from Sirius as possible. The spell was broken.
His coughs had only just begun to subside when he realised he again hadn’t actually coughed any flowers.
But his attention was quickly turned when he heard more coughing.
Sirius was leaning against the desk, rasping into his hand.
“Woah, Pads, are you okay?” Remus leant forward in concern, frowning.
“I think my cold has just gotten worse,” Sirius said nonchalantly, resting his fist against his chin after his final cough. As if to prove his point, he let out an overly dramatised cough with an expression that read “ See ?”. He chuckled, shrugging and continued speaking.
“I must have caught it from you.”
Wait a second -
“Oh shit,” Sirius said, oblivious to Remus’s sudden confusion. He lowered his hand and dug into his pocket, retrieving his wand a moment later. He pointed it at the forgotten, spilt ink pot and the mess was cleaned.
Remus blinked at it in a slight daze.
“Here,” Sirius was holding a glass of water in front of him. “Have some.”
Remus took it gratefully, realising how thirsty he was after his coughing fit. He emptied the glass in a matter of seconds, feeling some drops overflow and trail down his jaw and neck. The glass plunked down on the desk.
“Thirsty?” Sirius asked, chuckling.
“Fucking dehydrated.”
“Look,” Sirius nudged the tray of food closer to Remus with a proud, smug smile. “I put it together myself.”
“Wow, Pads,” Remus raised his eyes, surveying the array of choices. “Quite the selection.”
He picked through the options, eventually landing on a small paper bag. He looked up questioningly at Sirius.
“Honeydukes?”
Sirius nodded excitedly.
“I had the idea while in Transfiguration and sneaked out of my next class to get some for you!” He was grinning.
“Wow, thank you- wait,” he narrowed his eyes. “Sirius, did you skive ?”
The boy ducked, dodging the measly chocolate wrapper slung at him.
“Don’t skive , for god’s sake!” Remus chided. “How many times have we been over this!”
Despite his lecturing, he couldn’t help the fond smile that slipped onto his face.
“What can I say?” Sirius grinned. “I’m a rebel at heart.”
Remus rolled his eyes, smiling. He picked through the bag and grinned at the sight of his favourite chocolate pudding.
The foil covering was off in less than a second and he dug into the pudding with the spoon offered by Sirius.
He took a bite and moaned around the spoon.
“ Oh my God , you’re forgiven .”
Sirius choked suddenly, his face red as he chased his breath.
“Alright?” Remus asked, amused.
Sirius hummed in affirmation, occupying himself by perching on the desk. He swung his feet up and crossed them on the armrest of Remus’s chair. He plucked a candy out of the bag.
Remus sighed, leaning back into his chair in satisfaction, the empty pudding cup discarded onto the tray.
The bag crinkled as Sirius leaned across, arm outstretched.
He wiped the corner of Remus’s mouth unthinkingly, clearing away a smear of pudding. Without hesitation, he popped his thumb into his mouth, licking it away.
Remus faltered, mouth hung open. His face turned hot, reaching a shade of red he didn’t think possible. A prickle of heat shot through his body, and he shifted uncomfortably as his blood began to concentrate lower and lower .
And Sirius was oblivious to it all, contentedly chewing through a new piece of candy.
Remus needed to get him out of the room. He needed to tend to his growing problem.
“When’s break over?” He tried to conceal the urgency in his voice.
Sirius grinned, a mischievous glint in his eyes. It wasn’t helping his predicament.
“About ten minutes ago.”
“ What ?” Remus shouted, sitting up in his chair.
Sirius yelped, jumping off the desk to get his things together.
“Didn’t I just lecture you about skipping classes?!”
Possessions in hand, Sirius ran for the door, seeping with laughter.
“Sirius, for fuck’s sake !” Remus yelled, a giving smile on his face.
Sirius spun around one last time, hand of the doorknob.
He gave a quick salute with an entirely guilt-free grin, before dashing out the door.
Remus huffed in disbelief, shaking his head lightly as he slumped back in his chair.
And then he remembered his issue .
He glanced down under the desk to see the very much still present tenting in pyjama trousers.
Dying and still horny , his mind supplied.
“ Shut up ,” he retorted, and he stood up to disappear into the bathroom for a most-definitely very short amount of time.
* * * * * *
After his incredibly exhausting escapade in the bathroom, Remus crashed out on his bed. He would have slept into the next century if he wasn’t awoken all too soon.
Something was prodding his face.
He raised an arm as heavy as lead, batting fruitlessly at it.
“Just checking you’re still alive.”
He opened an eye– which frankly took much more effort than it should have, but he supposed this was what he got for spending energy he didn’t have– and saw Peter standing with his wand raised. He was charming a stick to poke incessantly at Remus’s face.
“Stop that,” Remus grumbled, and the stick fell in an instant.
“Don’t mind me, just grabbing my books.”
Remus came to his senses a little more. The lighting in the room had become brighter and he felt the warmth of the afternoon sun.
“What time is it?” He asked, attempting to sit up but failing and promptly dropping back to the bed. “I’ve lost all concept of time.”
“About one-ish,” Peter answered from deep underneath his bed. “A- ha !”
He shuffled back to his feet, books clutched in hand with a satisfied smile.
“See you later?” He asked, already wrenching the door open. He threw a quick wave and left before Remus could answer.
“Um– yep.” Remus blinked at the door.
With strength he didn’t know he had, he slowly sat up, feeling the muscles in his core burn from the strain. He sighed– though it was more of a pant– and rubbed a coarse hand over his face.
The boundless absence of energy in him was undeniably unnerving. His body was barely able to respond to his attempts at moving it.
“Polish your knob and you pay the fucking price,” he grumbled, rolling his eyes.
But Remus perked up slightly, remembering suddenly the waiting parchment crammed in his desk drawer. He knew for a fact there was no chance he’d be able to walk to his desk, so after reaching for his wand, he summoned the scroll, along with his quill and ink pot.
After a moment’s hesitation, he also summoned the forgotten breakfast tray on his desk and emptied its contents onto the bed around him. Flipping it upside down, he placed the scroll and ink onto it.
He allowed himself to briefly admire his setup, but quickly began writing.
The words seemed to come to him in a rush, unstoppable, and his hand tried its best to write at a speed that poured them out onto the tan page.
Sirius,
He began.
I know I’m not the best at being open. I find it difficult to put the right words together, especially when it comes to you.
Remus wondered if it was too late to back out and succumb to his disease.
For some reason when I’m with you, I lose my ability to conjure words, despite the fact that the mere thought of you evokes more phrases in my mind than even literature itself could hold.
And so this is me trying. Trying to be honest with you. Though I don’t quite know how to get my message across, and I can’t find it in me to be blunt, so you’ll have to sit through my rambling.
You see, there’s a thought– a realisation– I’ve been harbouring for probably longer than what would be healthy.
It’s why I’m sick. The true reason.
He sucked in a few breaths and bit down on his lip nervously. He rolled his wrist, out of procrastination more than anything, and continued to write.
The ink bled into the page with each letter, smearing here and there under his haste, but he paid it no mind. He couldn’t seem to stop the words that were flowing directly from his heart, clumping together messily and spilling out frenetically onto the paper.
By the time he’d reached the bottom of the parchment, his wrist was stiff and heavy, barely hovering over the page.
But he was finished. He was finished and the paper was blackened with nauseatingly heart-felt words.
Remus’s fingers itched. Having his confession sewn into the page left a strange sense of permanence, and his words seemed to glow more and more bold the longer he stared at them. They burned into his retinas, and he was convinced he’d see the paragraphs against his eyelids when he blinked.
Everything he needed to say, could possibly say, was glinting and glaring in the warm dorm light.
There’s no easy way to say I love you. Not when the love has branded, burned and singed my heart and soul for the seven years it’s been festering. But that is the truth. I am in love with you. I am entirely enamoured, captivated, and enchanted by you, and that has been the case for longer than I’d like to admit. For longer than I initially realised. I think I loved you before I even knew you.
But my confession hasn’t come up on its own command. As I mentioned– as you already knew– I am sick. And I am sick because I’m in love.
Sirius, I have Hanahaki.
I have Hanahaki and there really isn’t anything I can do about it.
I just—
I love you.
I love you and I wish I wasn’t having to tell you like this. I wish I had the privilege of time and choice, but as it stands, I do not. In fact, I do not have very much time left at all. I wish my confessing to you wasn’t stemming from the threat of looming death, but instead from my own courage and choice, and freedom.
If I’m being honest, more so than I’d like to, I’m scared. I’m scared of how you feel, I’m scared of how I feel, I’m scared of the future– whether I have one or not. But most of all, I’m scared of how you might feel if you don’t love me.
As much as I may have already made Lily and James swear to support you– if it doesn’t go well for me– I still worry for you. So much, Sirius.
If you can promise me one thing, let it be that you’ll accept the help you need, the support you’ll need.
Sirius, I know I’ve never been the best at showing my affection to you, or anyone, really, but believe me, it’s there. In fact, there is so much of it for you, that most of the time I don’t know what to do with myself. Most of my reservedness comes from fear. I fear that in telling you how I feel, I’ll lose you. And I couldn’t bear it if I lost you. I’d rather lose myself than lose you.
But James and Lily would personally take it upon themselves to resuscitate me just to kill me again if I didn’t confess to you.
So here I am.
Confessing my love for you, to you, as the last chance of curing myself.
Sirius, I love you. So deeply, so entirely, so irrevocably, that it is killing me.
And I hope you feel the same.
Yours,
RJL
And there it was.
The words that had occupied his being since the moment he could put them together. The words that had swarmed his mind, tortured his heart, and now presented as his only hope of living.
And he was fucking exhausted.
Remus glanced at the small clock perched on his desk. It was already 4:27 pm and he couldn’t help but wonder where his friends had disappeared to for the past several hours–
But he stopped that line of thought before it could progress.
“Just because you’re sick ,” he muttered to himself, “it doesn’t mean everyone else’s lives have to stop.”
And anyway, he preferred it this way.
Remus took the letter, folding it neatly. He held it in his clenched fist before tucking it under his pillow.
He groaned, stretching out his limbs across his bed. The softness of the duvet was only slightly able to ease the ache in his muscles.
Remus looked around the dorm. The walls he had been stuck staring at for much too long were beginning to feel irritating, and he shut his eyes harshly.
As if to rub salt on the wound, he coughed sharply, feeling– somewhat surprisingly– a petal tumble out.
He caught it in his palm, feeling the waxy, delicate petal as a light weight. The feeling of it in his hand brought a strange reminiscence to Remus. His illness had progressed so far that the symptoms seemed to be reversing.
Logically, he knew this was actually because the flowers were taking root in his lungs, and so only loose petals and florets could be coughed up now, but he still couldn’t help the flicker of empty hope.
Remus was hit with a wave of motivation. He stood up– slowly– with the idea to head down to the library. It would do him good.
After locating his messenger bag on the floor, he went to pick it up with a smile.
He held the fraying strap in his weak fist and tried to heave it up– but he couldn’t. The bag wouldn’t budge.
The exertion left him winded and gasping, and he pressed a hand to the wall, head hung as the blood rushed in his ears.
“For God’s sake !” Remus yelled, though it wasn’t nearly as loud as he was aiming for. His breathlessness and general lack of energy resulted in the words being wheezed.
Anger shot through him, hot and sharp, and he gripped his hair in frustration.
His ears were humming and his vision was speckled. No matter how hard he tried, he wasn’t getting out of this room on his own.
The cough had faded to a dull but incessant tickle at the back of his throat.
Remus dropped the bag strap and pushed off the wall gently. He walked in a bitter resignation to the windowsill he had sat on only the day before, and heaved himself up onto it.
The school grounds were soaked in the rare, warm sunlight. Remus could see groups of students dispersed in the grass, sitting and walking, and enjoying the sunshine.
He scooted further onto the ledge, tucking his knees up to his chest. The window was cracked open and a breeze was seeping through the gap.
Suddenly, Remus was feeling incredibly sentimental. His throat felt thick with tears- and flowers- as he watched the peaceful setting below him.
But to his luck, before he could give in to a mental breakdown, he heard the door creak open.
“Pads- shhh - he might be asleep,” a muffled voice whispered.
Remus smiled, swinging around on the windowsill so his legs were dangling off, facing the door.
“I’m not, but I appreciate the sentiment,” his voice was thin as he spoke to the three boys tiptoeing in.
They jumped, startled by him and he laughed, throwing his head back.
“Bloody hell , Moony!” James panted, gripping the door frame.
“Sorry,” Remus smiled. His grin widened when he met Sirius’s eyes.
James moved further into the room with a glint in his eyes that made Remus raise a brow.
“We thought it might cheer you up if we informed you about how we have successfully set up dungbombs along the entire length of the Slytherin and teacher’s tables and benches.”
Remus let out a surprised, deep, belly laugh.
“I’m not even gonna ask how you managed to pull that off.”
“You probably shouldn’t,” Sirius grinned.
Peter threw himself onto his bed with a deep sigh.
“Moons, why are you up there?” He asked, voice muffled by his pillow.
Remus sighed, leaning back against the window and swinging his feet gently.
“I think I just have a nasty case of cabin fever,” he said, the corners of his mouth tugging down slightly. “But I’m too weak to actually go anywhere.”
The room turned quiet and Remus glanced at the other boys. James had a deep frown and Sirius–
Sirius . The worry that laced his expression made Remus feel sick.
“Why don’t we try guiding you down to the common room?” James asked, and Remus found he didn’t actually mind the idea. “We can all chill in there. It’s a nice day outside, anyway, so we’d be pretty much the only ones down there.”
“We could put on a record and lose to you in some rounds of Exploding Snap?” Sirius suggested. Remus felt his smile return, though small. He warmed up at the soft look on Sirius’s face.
“I’d like that,” he said contentedly. “Though, be warned, I apparently cannot go more than two steps without needing a break or support.”
James waved his hand dismissively.
“No worries, we’ve got you.”
“And maybe instead of coming back up afterwards, why don’t we try taking you to dinner as well?” Sirius asked hopefully. “It could do you well to leave the Gryffindor tower, as amazing as it is.”
James gasped dramatically, clutching at his chest in horror.
“I can’t believe the most patriotic Gryffindor has betrayed his own house!”
Sirius laughed brightly, rolling his eyes.
“Well it’s for Moony, no?” He smiled softly, eyes meeting Remus’s with a warm intensity. “And I think we’d all sell our souls if just to see him smile.”
Remus felt his eyes widen and his face burn a bright red, but Sirius just kept staring at him with that knee-buckling intensity.
From his peripheral, Remus could see James and Peter look at each other, but his attention was stuck firmly on the silvery eyes in front of him.
* * * * * *
Remus was trying his hardest to focus on not falling down the stairs, and not the wonderfully warm arms encircling his waist.
He was held up on both sides by James and Sirius, and the latter happened to have his arms looped around his torso, and it made his head spin.
Or maybe that was all the movement.
But who’s to say?
“I feel kind of useless,” Peter said meekly, a step or two behind.
“Don’t worry, Pete, just flash me that-” Remus paused, panting as his knees gave slightly, “ dazzling smile and I’ll be fine.”
The four boys emerged from the staircase into the brightly lit common room. True to James’s word, it was empty.
Remus leant most of his weight on Sirius, whose arms tightened around him, palms pressed flat to his chest.
“I’ve got you, I’ve got you,” Sirius muttered, lowering Remus onto a sofa with a groan.
Remus panted shallow breaths, scooting up the couch to sit up more straight. His shirt had ridden up but he didn’t care enough to try to fix it.
Sirius let out an abrupt cough, his face an endearing ruby as he choked into his hand.
“You okay?” Remus asked, attempting to lift his head but promptly failing.
“Mhm,” his voice cracked. The tips of his ears had warmed up, too. “Just choked. On— spit?”
“Is that a question?”
“No?”
Remus laughed- albeit breathlessly- and rested his back against the arm rest.
Peter had fallen into the adjacent armchair and James was suddenly walking to the portrait hole.
“Say, Moony, how about a Pepperup?” He asked, wrenching open the portrait. “I think I could convince Poppy to give us a few.”
Remus sighed a breath of relief, sinking further into the sofa.
“That’d be great, yeah. Cheers.”
Sirius moved closer, dropping onto the free space of the couch. He lay down, kicking his feet up onto the free armrest and rested his head in Remus’s lap, their usual position.
Remus’s fingers automatically found their way into Sirius’s hair, combing through the silk easily and massaging his scalp. His heart skipped a beat when Sirius put a hand over his ankle, smoothing over it comfortingly.
A few minutes of a peaceful silence went by before the portrait door was singing back open.
James stepped through, carrying several vials of the potion in his arms. He walked over to the sofa and handed one to Remus, who sat up further to accept it.
The boys held their breath as Remus swallowed it down.
A wave seemed to pass through Remus. His joints began to loosen up and he felt himself perk up quickly. By the looks on the other boys’ faces, they had noticed it, too.
“How d’you feel?” Sirius asked. He had sat up, turned to watch Remus with a careful expression.
Remus smiled and rolled his head around, feeling the tension bleed away.
“Good,” he said, smiling wider at the honesty behind it. “I mean, I can still tell I’m not well– it’s like a lingering reminder– but I feel better.”
“Brilliant!” James beamed, but his face dimmed slightly, turning serious. “But Madame Pomfrey has told me to give you some warnings. Given your… illness ,” he emphasised the word with a knowing look to Remus, “the potion won’t be as effective nor last as long, and , most importantly, the effects will be worn off quicker by too much physical exertion, leaving you to feel worse than you did before.”
Remus swallowed at the warning, feeling his stomach churn with nerves. A hand quickly held onto his own, and he smiled gratefully at Sirius.
“So it’s very important, Rem,” James continued, “That you don’t push yourself too much while under the potion.”
With that, James pat him on the head and walked to a nearby chair.
Remus exhaled, falling back against the armrest. Despite his nerves, he still felt relieved by the potion’s effects, and it certainly helped that Sirius hadn’t stopped holding his hand.
They fell back into their usual position, Remus’s fingers winding back into Sirius’s hair, and Peter and James scooting their chairs closer so they could play rounds of Exploding Snap.
Remus lost track of the number of rounds they played, of the amount of time that passed. The only thing he could focus on was Sirius’s head in his lap, Sirius’s hand on his leg, and his fingers in Sirius’s hair. Nothing else really mattered.
The sun had lowered decently in the sky, warming the common room to a comforting golden hue.
Remus’s fingers were slotted in his book, his other hand hadn’t left Sirius’s hair once. His hands tensed, though, when he felt the scratch of a coming cough in his throat.
He jolted up, book falling to the floor, just in time to heave coughs into the fabric of his shirt.
The petals– and alarmingly, flowers– he coughed up tumbled down his blouse, tickling his skin as they brushed against his torso.
His head felt distressingly light, and he vaguely registered the weight in his lap lifting away, instead pressing against his back.
When his coughing subsided, the first thing he registered was the nearly visible mound of petals and flowers in his shirt. He crossed his arms around his stomach, squashing it down. And then he felt the hand pressed to his back, and he sunk back into it.
His throat was raw, burning, and he could taste the distinct, metallic tang of blood on his tongue.
“ Christ ,” he rasped, squeezing his eyes shut tightly as his head swam. Slowly, he came back to his senses, seeing three worried faces staring at him in the dying sunlight.
“Has the vial worn off?” James asked cautiously. Remus couldn’t stand the deep concern in his face.
He nodded, but instantly regretted it as the blood throbbed in his head.
Remus let out one more cough, for good measure, and pressed the mountain down against his skin, feeling the damp petals squash. He prayed Sirius couldn’t smell the floral scent.
“But it definitely did help,” he said. His words were thin and crackling. He took a moment to breathe. “I think if I maybe down two, I can come to dinner with you guys.”
At that, his friends smiled, eased slightly from their worries.
“Yeah, it was getting a little worrying having to come up with more and more reasons as to why you weren’t showing up at meals,” Peter sighed, grinning slightly.
Remus replied with one of his own. The hand on his back dropped to his waist and his breath caught in his throat again. He glanced at the clock.
“It’s just past half past six, people are gonna start coming back soon for dinner,” Remus noted, sitting up slowly. “So with your guys’ help, I wanna head back upstairs so I can get ready.”
With a considerable effort, the four boys made their way up the stairs to their dorm. Once in the room, James handed Remus his first vial, which he downed with a grimace.
His grimace was gone quickly, however, as he felt the potion take effect.
Remus went to grab a fresh set of clothes– remembering to go carefully.
The bathroom tile was cold under his feet. It sent a shock of anticipation through him as he began to get ready, casting several heavy cleaning spells over himself, and a fragrance freshener for good measure.
As Remus slipped on his trousers, the realisation of the coming evening hit him, and a sudden twist of nausea pulled at his stomach.
He had promised that he would tell Sirius the truth after dinner.
It took all his might not to throw up on the spot.
He pulled on his shirt with trembling fingers, having to lean against the counter to find his bearings.
Remus tried taming his hair, running his hands through the curls in vain, patting down the stray locks but they were adamant. In the end, he sighed, dropping his hands as he gave up.
He took a deep breath, before pushing open the bathroom door.
The other boys lifted their heads at his reentry, hopeful expressions on their faces, and Remus felt one spread to his own.
Sirius’s eyes were glued to him like molten silver, charring his skin and flushing him red. He sent a quick, bashful smile to him and watched as his cheeks tinted a rosy colour and a bright gleam appeared behind his eyes.
With an impressive amount of strength, Remus turned his gaze away to face James.
“I think I’m gonna take the other potion now.”
James handed the vial to him, glass cool in his hand, and he uncorked it.
His friends sent him an encouraging smile, and without another hesitation, he drank it.
The effect was instantaneous. His palms warmed, tingling with a gentle hum. The liquid coated his throat, soothing the rawness, and Remus could taste the peppery taste on his tongue and feel it in his nose.
He shook his head lightly, getting used to the electric feeling it gave his body.
He was about to head to the door, ready to face dinner, when suddenly, he remembered the letter.
Shit .
“Um, I’m just gonna… air my bed.”
“Air your bed? Moony, it’ll make itself,” James said, confused.
Remus didn’t respond, instead walking to his bed. He shook the duvet out lightly before moving to his pillow.
He reached under it, fingers snaking around to find the square of parchment.
The corner poked his nail and he exhaled in relief, pulling it up with the pillow.
He fluffed the pillow halfheartedly, before dropping it back down.
The letter crinkled in defiance as he shoved it in his pocket, pointedly ignoring the baffled faces of his friends.
With a pleasantly energised smile, he glanced at the clock.
6:51
“ Let’s go to dinner .”
* * * * * *
The heavy oak door was a welcomed weight on Remus’s arms. Light and sound flooded through the opening, warming him instantly. He hadn’t realised how much he had missed the buzz of chatter.
The four parted, Remus and Sirius walking down one end of the long table, James and Peter mirrored.
Remus sank into his usual spot on the bench, feeling the flutter of nerves settle slightly. Sirius’s thigh was pressed against his own, a comforting yet positively sickening pressure. It didn’t help that his leg was framing the pocket that held the letter, branding Remus’s skin.
As he surveyed the ever-extensive options of food, he was disappointed to find he had no appetite– at all .
He picked a few small options, trying not to feel nauseated as he took his first bite.
But Sirius was no less attentive than usual, and he placed a reassuring hand on Remus’s upper thigh. It was at least enough to offer a new reason for his nausea.
Remus sent him a small, thankful smile. His cheeks tinged a warm red– which he was certain was especially visible on his now sickly-pale skin.
“ Rem !”
His head snapped up from where it had been staring at his food, following the sound down a few seats. He smiled at Lily.
“Hey, Lils.”
“You’re looking better,” she said, narrowing her eyes. “ Have you ?”
Remus shook his head stiffly, feeling awkward.
“Not yet, after this.”
“Wait–” James interjected, looking between the two friends. “You told Lily ?”
“Yes,” he sighed, feeling all the more uncomfortable at the public addressing of his situation .
“Told her what?” Sirius and Peter asked at the same time, Peter looking confused and Sirius– unreadable.
Remus shut his eyes, huffing in frustration.
“You guys will find out after this .”
Peter raised a questioning brow. Remus was scared to look at Sirius.
He risked it, anyway.
And he instantly felt a pit in his stomach. He could identify the signs on the other’s face, all indicating hurt.
His expression in itself looked merely uninterested to the unknowing eye.
But Remus had studied his face for seven years, and he knew all the giveaways.
The tiny, almost unnoticeable crease between his drawn in brows, the way his lips pulled down in the corners infinitesimally, and the way his stirring, slate eyes wouldn’t meet Remus’s.
But he hadn’t moved his hand. The pressure had lessened, sure, but it was still there .
And Remus decided to be bold. After all, in less than an hour, he was going to make the boldest move in his life.
He lowered his hand, placing it over Sirius’s in a sure movement, and combed his finger’s between the other’s.
Sirius looked up sharply, silver finally meeting gold, and Remus just squeezed his hand. He wasn’t taking back the movement.
Sirius’s fingers were still splayed over Remus’s thigh, and he increased his pressure in his own sure gesture.
It made heat spread across Remus’s face, down his spine, across his skin. He turned back to his food with a timid smile.
“ Anyway ,” James said with a smug smirk, suggesting he had witnessed the entire interaction.
Remus took a bite of his food just for something to do. He laughed quietly around the fork.
Dinner went on mostly incident-less. He had coughed– embarrassingly – a few times, catching the quickly multiplying flowers in his shirt. But he was ever grateful for James and Lily, as the pair were quick at redirecting questions about his health to other matters.
He had barely touched his plate. Food was occupying the space in what had been an over-ambitious display of hunger.
And as the meal-time was drawing on, further and further, Remus was becoming increasingly aware, anxious , of what was awaiting at the end of it.
He felt a nervous flutter in his chest, which he took to be his body’s unique way of reacting to the anticipation.
He downed his glass of water in hopes of quelling it.
But then he felt another.
And suddenly, he knew.
Those weren’t nerves— they were flowers .
And something felt different . It made his stomach clench.
He looked up to James with a jolt when he felt a higher flutter.
Somehow, Remus just knew . He knew that this approaching bout of coughing was going to be different.
Worse .
His hand automatically tightened around Sirius’s in a vice-like grip.
“ James ,” he whispered urgently. His heart was in his throat, his jaw clenching shakily.
James looked up, instantly picking up on the panic in his face and voice. He stood suddenly.
At the heads that followed his movement, his eyes widened.
“Er– book– Remus– library–?”
Remus stood up too, then, swaying unsteadily. His eyes were unfocused and his hand caught the table.
“ Shit - Pads -” James bit out, panicked as he retracted from where he had been attempting to reach over the table. “ Help him ,” he mouthed.
Sirius was up in an instant.
And Lily was, too.
She pulled out her wand, whispering a disillusionment charm at the two boys. She then redirected it, facing the opposite end of the hall. With a practised flourish, she flicked her wand and cast a difficult, graceful charm. It caused an enchanting display of bright, dancing, twinkling lights to shoot out of the end and swirl around overhead. It caught the attention of all the students, and Remus felt his stomach release slightly in relief.
If he survived whatever the hell was happening , he’d be sure to thank her.
Sirius wrapped a strong arm around his waist and began walking them both quickly to the door that James had already almost reached.
They made their way across the hall, Remus’s knees barely supporting him.
James was stood helplessly at the door, trying to spot Sirius and Remus under the charm. He opened the door readily.
Sirius tapped his shoulder when they reached him, whispering a curt, breathless “ go ” to him.
The three– along with Peter who had scurried to catch up– slipped out the door.
As soon as the door swung shut, the charm was broken, but the boys paid it no mind as they raced to the nearest classroom, James and Sirius holding Remus on either side.
The hallway was, thankfully, deserted as everyone else was enjoying the feast, and to their luck, the classroom was unlocked.
It seemed that as soon as Remus’s body passed the threshold, it gave up.
He felt the air rush past him as he folded to the floor–
But he was caught before he could hit the hard, cold stone.
Arms he could recognise even in his delirium were tense around his torso, holding him centimetres above the ground.
Remus sank into them, and they slowly lowered his collapsed body to the ground so that he was sat on his knees.
He felt Sirius move, dropping to the ground behind him, and pulling him backwards to rest against his chest.
And that seemed to break the dam.
Flowers pummelled out of his chest as he heaved, gasped , for air.
And he couldn’t find it in him to bother hiding them.
Sirius was going to find out later, anyway.
Remus’s body was knocked with every punching cough. The flowers, stems, and stalks ripped through his throat, and it was a matter of seconds before he could taste the blood.
He fell forward, into the rigid arms holding him up, and dropped his own onto the floor in hopes of extra support.
But his elbows just buckled, and his palms landed on the nauseatingly turgid flowers. He could feel his own blood stick to his skin from the petals.
Each heave left him more, and more breathless and lightheaded. His vision was spotty– what little of it he could see through his squinted eyelids.
His coughs were echoing maddeningly in the lonely room, and for the first time, Remus found himself praying that he would make it through this bout.
The reality of his illness had crashed down on him, the reality of his mortality had crashed down on him.
Sirius’s arms around him, supporting him, were as unrelenting as the coughs that wracked his body. They were the only comfort he could seek.
Remus could feel the building pile of flowers and petals around him, noting the bunches , too.
And finally- mercifully - his coughing ceased.
The silence of the room felt louder than his own coughs had been. He didn’t dare open his eyes to see the result.
Despite the eternity he had spent coughing, the floor was still cold beneath his shins, biting deep into his bones. He curled in on himself slightly.
Remus let out a shuddered breath, giving in completely to the arms holding him up.
They pulled him backwards, so that he was resting against a firm, warm chest.
He didn’t even have the energy to be embarrassed.
And finally, with the courage he didn’t have to spend on confessing , he opened his eyes.
The scene in front of him was almost repugnant enough to make him purge the little food he had consumed earlier.
Around his legs, and over his lap, were piles and piles of white– speckled with red– flowers, bunches and petals. The green of their stems and stalks poked out strikingly, and if Remus hadn’t just coughed them up , he would have almost found the floral disaster of a scene beautiful.
He sucked in a shallow breath– realising he almost couldn’t – and sunk back even further into the chest behind him.
There was a dragging, horrible silence.
And Sirius broke it.
“Remus…” he whispered, voice shaking thinly.
And Remus didn’t respond, because what on Earth could he say in this situation?
Sirius spoke again, after another painful silence.
“ Snapdragons ?” And it was even more shaky than before.
Behind him, Remus felt Sirius’s chest cave in, and it brought Remus close enough to feel every shallow rise and fall of his thorax.
Remus opened his eyes, but only to glare in pure hatred at the flowers taunting him from all around.
“ Snapdragons , yes,” James said in reply. Remus shifted his gaze up to look at him. His voice was low, rattled, but his face had an air of triumph laced in his expression. And he was pressing back a smile . “Scientifically named Antirrhinum , but are also commonly known as ‘dragon flowers’ or–” James sucked in a breath. He wasn’t even bothering to hide his smile anymore. “ Dog flower .”
Remus felt the air still. This was it .
Sirius had stopped moving, abruptly, stiff in realisation. He wasn’t breathing .
He sucked in a sudden, sharp breath.
“ Really ?” His voice was barely a whisper, more of a breath.
James nodded, wordlessly.
“Holy shit –” Remus vaguely registered Peter saying. He had caught on.
But instead of confirming or denying– mostly because he didn’t think he had it in him– he stared hard at the floor.
“Can we please get back to the dorm? I’ll explain everything there, I just need–” he panted, “–to fucking lie down .”
That brought the other boys back into motion, as they were quick to overstep their shock in favour of helping Remus stand.
As Sirius and James held him up, the latter pulled out his wand and vanished the mountain of flowers. Remus pat his side gently in thanks, attention focused at not falling down again.
Their journey back to the dorm was quick and– mostly– painless. Remus had rotated between walking, hopping, staggering, and being virtually carried by his two friends. The most painful part of the walk was Sirius’s unflinching arms circling him, yet again . He almost couldn’t stand the warmth of his embrace, wanting to melt into the floor, genuinely thankful that if it didn’t go well– if it was unrequited– he’d probably not survive longer than a few hours afterwards anyway.
Remus was guided to his bed by a still silent Sirius, whose face he wouldn’t dare look at, and he was gently placed down onto the soft quilt.
He let out a few more tiring coughs, partly grateful for not having to hide the flowers anymore, and started talking before anyone else could.
“ Sirius, I’m so sorry –” the tears were in his eyes and voice before the apology was even fully out. He couldn’t look him in the eye. “–I wish it wasn’t like this– I wish I was different– but I’m not , and no matter how hard I try, I can’t stop –”
He registered movement around him but was undeterred.
“ Please don’t hate me – I just can’t –” his voice broke in his rambling, and it was thin from the flowers in his throat. The words were pouring out of him faster than he could even register. His face felt wet with tears, his skin hot. “–But this is why, this is why I’m sick– Oh God , I’m so sorry, I couldn’t– I can’t –”
He heard Sirius cough, clearing his throat, and he positively drowned in regret.
Remus’s thoughts were racing faster than his words, spiralling rapidly down a grim path, and he was only somewhat, vaguely, aware of James moving towards him.
James’s hand landed on his shoulder, and his words stopped only to let out a sudden, gasping sob.
The boy took Remus’s clenched hand, unfurling the fingers gently, and placing something in his trembling palm.
Through his tears, he could only see a glimpse of indigo, feeling its soft, velvety texture on his skin.
But it was James’s next move that broke Remus’s sobbing, silencing him in a hazy disorientation.
He had picked up one of Remus’s coughed up florets and stood, walking over to where Sirius was frozen in place, only a few steps ahead.
Slowly, Remus’s vision cleared, and he looked down at the weight in his palm.
A deep periwinkle flower was sat in his palm.
Its petals were soft, delicately thin, and warped in pretty waves. On the end was a narrow, fragile, green stem.
His mind was running, slowly clocking what was going on. He stared at the flower in shock, eyes wide.
His words were lost in his throat.
Finally, he looked up. Past where James was stood proudly, past where Peter was still working out what was going on. He looked directly at Sirius, feeling like he was seeing him for the first time.
“ Is that –”
“ Wolfsbane ,” James finished for him, excitement barely lidded in his voice.
Remus couldn’t speak.
There was so much he wanted to say– so much he wanted to ask – but his words failed him. No sound came out of his gaping mouth.
And Sirius.
Sirius stood, unmoved.
His eyes, his glorious , mother-of-pearl eyes, were boring into Remus’s. Unblinking.
Instantly, Remus felt he didn’t need to say anything. He understood.
And Sirius understood.
A slow, disbelieving smile crept across his face.
“ Fuck .”
And suddenly, Sirius was laughing, and it was a loud, incredulous, and purely ethereal sound.
And suddenly, Remus was too.
In no time, the two boys were collapsing down, crying with laughter.
It seemed to barrel out of Remus by its own force, unstoppable.
He felt tears streak down his face and his stomach ached , but he was too delirious to care.
“ Holy – shit –” he wheezed between his laughs. He felt relief wash over him in a tidal wave, only fueling his positively insane laughter.
Sirius was no better, rolling on the floor and clutching his stomach as he sobbed out laughs.
Eventually, their laughter subsided, and Sirius slowly stood back up, shaking his head in disbelief.
“We’re so fucking stupid ,” he exclaimed, a hint of laughter in his voice.
Remus couldn’t even reply, still processing everything that had just happened.
“ That you are ,” James said and he had the largest grin on his face. He walked over to Sirius and ushered him forward, punching lightly on his shoulder until he was stumbling onto the bed beside Remus, who had only just begun to sit back up.
After all but throwing Sirius onto the bed, he spun around quickly, grabbing Peter by the arm– who’s shocked face showed his rather late realisation– and dragged him to the door.
The door groaned at the speed it was wrenched open with, and the pair of boys quickly flew through it.
“ Talk ,” James said sternly, before slamming the door shut.
Remus’s mind was still whirring when Sirius turned to face him.
The boy opened his mouth to speak, taking a minute to decide on what exactly he was going to say first.
Eventually, he decided.
“How long?” He questioned, and Remus automatically knew what he was asking, not needing any further explanation.
“Five days,” he supplied, surprised at the steadiness of his voice.
Sirius’s jaw dropped in surprise, but quickly confusion flooded his face and his eyebrows knit together.
“Me too, but– how – you’re so much worse than I am!”
Remus deflated slightly, scowling at the duvet as though it were the cause.
“Lycanthropy.”
A moment.
“ Oh .”
There was a heavy silence in the air, but it quickly turned static when Sirius placed his hand on Remus’s.
That gave Remus the courage to ask what had begun plaguing his mind only minutes ago.
“How long?”
Sirius frowned, confused.
“I just told you– me too–”
“No,” Remus cut in, a smile growing on his face. “ How long have you loved me ?”
Sirius’s mouth dropped open with a quiet “Oh”, and his cheeks flushed an achinglywonderful scarlet.
He was quiet for a moment, thinking.
“I think I’ve been in love with you for longer than I realised. I think it’s been around six years.”
Remus gaped.
“Shit.”
Sirius snorted, and even the crude noise sounded lovely .
“Yeah.”
But it was Remus’s turn to grin.
“I’ll do you one better,” he said, causing a brow to raise. “I think I fell in love with you the moment I met you.”
Sirius’s eyebrows shot to his hairline, and his mouth dropped open into a large ‘ O ’. But he regained his footing quickly.
“I don’t think that’s better, Moony,” he quipped, and Remus felt warmth wash over him at the nickname. “It means you’ve had to deal with this for a whole extra year than I have.”
Remus nodded grimly, but the smile didn’t leave his face.
“ Seven years, wow ,” Sirius muttered to himself in amazement. He grinned suddenly, and it was blinding.
Remus felt his heart rate pick up at the sly expression.
“We have a lot of catching up to do.”
And, God , that simple, simple sentence.
It hit Remus like a shock wave, hurling him off his footing and he took a second to regain balance. This was clearly comedic to Sirius, as he grinned at the flustered expression on Remus.
He rubbed the back of his neck, mostly for something to do with his hands, as he bloomed a hot pink.
God , Sirius had no idea what that sentence did to him.
But before he could find out, a cough suddenly tumbled out of Remus, reminding them starkly of their situation.
“How do we fix this?” Sirius asked through a frown. His hand tightened in Remus’s.
Remus paused, wracking his brain for the cure. He came up short.
“Maybe…” And then he lit up. “Sirius, grab me my bag, please,” he said, pointing to the item on the floor.
Sirius retrieved it, handing it to Remus who promptly stuck his hand in, digging through the clutter.
With a groan, he pulled out what he was looking for.
Miscellaneous Magical Maladies, A-Z sat heavy in his hands. He barely had to exhale for the old spine to fall open onto the bookmarked page.
“So you weren’t just reading up on your Lycanthropy?” Sirius questioned, a smile in his voice.
Remus snorted at that.
“It’s not even a chapter in here.”
Sirius laughed brightly, dropping onto the bed and crossing his legs, mirroring Remus’s position.
Remus scanned over the page, re-reading the text for the hundredth time. His eyes landed on the section titled: Cure.
“Here we are,” he muttered, and began reading aloud.
“ There is currently only one known cure for Hanahaki. The ritual-like treatment involves the ill person/s to kiss the one they love– keeping in mind, this cure only has effect if the love is requited– and the flowerets in their lungs will be pulled out by a strong force of magic. They will then cough until all flowers are purged from their body. Once this has taken place, the person will be healed from Hanahaki. The victim may feel woozy afterwards, though this is usually just due to the long-term effect the disease has had on their health .”
By the end of the paragraph, Remus’s face had turned a deep shade of red. Sirius’s wasn’t any better.
Remus looked up at Sirius, taking a moment to appreciate his wide, grey eyes, and the pretty way his mouth had dropped open.
“This isn’t exactly how I planned our first kiss to go,” Remus said through an expression he was sure matched the other’s. “But I’ll take what I can get.”
Sirius laughed gently, his eyes not breaking from Remus’s.
“I’m just stuck on the fact I get to kiss you,” he commented, before a smirk broke across his face. “And don’t worry, you’ll be getting a lot more in no time.”
Remus choked.
But after regaining his breath, he let out a dazed laugh.
“I guess we better– er– you know ,” Sirius stammered, gesturing vaguely.
“Kiss?” Remus smirked, brow quirking up.
Sirius flushed a deeper, lovely red, nodding with a slight laugh.
“Yeah, that.”
And with a quick breath for courage, Remus scooted a fraction across the bed.
Sirius’s head hung back as he let out a loud laugh, causing Remus’s face to burn a bright, bright scarlet.
“Oh, god ,” he groaned, hiding his face in his hands. “I swear I’m not usually this bad– I just– I stop being able to function properly when I’m with you.”
Sirius softened at that, a small smile sat on his lips.
“ Tell me about it,” he smiled.
It was Sirius’s turn to scoot closer, which he did with significantly more bravery than Remus had, bringing their knees to touch.
Remus’s breath caught in his throat at the contact but quickly, he regained his composure. He placed a sure– though violently shaking – hand in the crook of Sirius’s waist.
He felt the boy’s breath stutter.
Sirius, in response, placed a hand on–
“My knee ?” Remus asked, biting back the laughter in his throat.
Sirius had seemed to lose a bit of his sureness as his face flamed red. He hung his head, bashfully.
“ Oh — I don’t know! You make me nervous ! I don’t want to—” He sucked in a breath, and suddenly, his eyes met Remus’s. His look was so sincere it made Remus’s heart flip. “ I don’t want to mess this up .”
And, God , did Remus understand. He shuffled closer, and with a surge of pure courage, he gently unfolded Sirius’s legs from where they had been crossed and draped them loosely over his own folded legs. It brought them all the more closer as Sirius sat in a near straddle over his hips.
His hand tightened on Sirius’s waist, running his thumb in soothing circles under the hem of his shirt.
The boy’s face was so deeply shocked that Remus thought he’d overstepped.
But then he smiled, his cheeks practically luminescent with how red they were, and he tucked himself closer in.
“Sirius, you could trip over your own untied laces and I’d find it endearing.”
“ Yes , but–"
“You could roll around in dirt and grime and I’d still find you beautiful.”
“ Okay , but what if–”
“Sirius, you could shave your head and I’d still love you!”
That silenced him. The pure, unfiltered horror on his face.
“Now I know what they mean by ‘ unconditional love ’,” he muttered, face stricken, but a smile was quickly blossoming.
And just like that, it was as though Remus was being pulled in by a force– magic .
Sirius seemed to feel it too, sitting up and shuffling forward into a full straddle. He hooked his legs behind Remus’s back, linking them at the ankles.
Remus’s lips parted softly as he took in the boy in front of him. His black, satin hair that sat in gentle, loose curls just past his shoulders, and Remus felt a pang of pain from the need to run his fingers through it– and he realised with a jolt he could .
His free hand– the one that wasn’t glued to Sirius’s waist– reached up, pushing gently into the hair at the nape of his neck. The strands were cool and unfairly soft against his skin.
Sirius’s breath stuttered again– God , Remus couldn’t get enough of that– and his head ducked down in the slightest, bringing their faces close enough for Remus to be able to feel the heat radiating off his skin.
His chest stirred, suddenly, with a violent flutter.
A gasp slipped from Sirius’s lips.
Remus cleared his throat as he felt another.
“Are you feeling the–”
“Flowers?” Sirius finished for him. “ Yeah .”
They resumed moving in closer, and Remus felt the buds in his chest excite further and further.
Sirius pressed their foreheads together, their noses brushing at the closeness. He lowered his hand again, reaching for stability, and landed on–
“What–” Remus glanced down. He cracked up. “ Sirius – Sirius, my foot ?”
Sirius groaned, ducking his head in embarrassment and his forehead brushed against Remus’s lips. It stayed there.
“Oh, Re , I’ve been dreaming about this for years but now that I’m finally here, I think I’ve forgotten how to do anything .”
Remus flushed lightly at that.
“Me too,” he consoled, and tightened his grip on Sirius’s waist in a reassuring pressure. “Let’s just… go for it?”
Sirius snorted.
“Good advice,” he jabbed, earning an eye roll.
But the two got back to task without any lingering hesitation.
Sirius tilted his head back up, slowly, and in doing so, their lips brushed in the softest, most barely-there touches.
It drew shaky gasps from the two boys, and harsh flutters from their chests.
Remus moved his hand, dragging it slowly away from Sirius’s hair, and he instead cupped his jaw. His thumb traced soft, awe-filled circles on the boy’s cheekbone.
“How many times have we almost done this?” He asked in a breathless, almost inaudible whisper.
Sirius laughed, “ Too many times ,” though it was more a shuddering exhale. He lifted his hand from Remus’s foot, wrapping it around the base of his neck instead.
Remus smiled, satisfied and encouraging.
“My face,” he commended, eyes darting rapidly between the other’s and his smiling lips. “That’s good.”
“Thanks for the assessment,” Sirius replied, though he had lost interest in the conversation long ago. His eyes were glued to Remus’s lips.
And Remus couldn’t blame him as he felt his own do the same.
And, God , Sirius’s lips.
They were the definition of perfection .
They were parted slightly, plump and plush and pink .
And they looked so , so soft, that Remus struggled to believe they were real .
He began to feel self-conscious of his own chapped lips, worried they would be unpleasant to kiss–
But then Sirius was placing a torturously gentle thumb on top of his lower lip, and all his panicked thoughts were quelled.
Actually, all his thoughts were quelled, because suddenly– they were kissing .
Remus hadn’t even been aware of who moved in to close the final gap, all he registered was that it happened, and now Sirius’s lips were slotted between his own–
And they were softer than he had even imagined .
Remus’s blood was surging through and around his body, hot and electric and humming .
Their lips paused against each other, just feeling , before suddenly moving as though they had been starving for it.
Remus was pretty sure he had been.
Their mouths broke apart, only for a second, to register the kiss. And then they were diving back in with a renewed fervour.
Sirius’s teeth caught Remus’s lower lip, tugging desperately on it. It drew a shattered gasp from the boy, and all of a sudden, he was overcome with need .
Remus scooped a hand under Sirius, and with some unprecedented amount of strength, he lifted him.
And Sirius whimpered .
He whimpered .
A shock of pure desire collided into Remus, broken only by the sudden, overwhelming buzzing that alighted in his chest.
Sirius seemed to ignore it, choosing instead to grind down on Remus’s quickly becoming uncomfortably tight lap.
He gasped a stuttered exhale, breaking their kiss, long enough only for Sirius to reconnect it.
And at their re-connection, the very moment their lips met again, the flowers in their chests were set off.
Suddenly, the buds were shooting up, as though being drawn out by magic– which they were .
Their kiss had to break as the boys became wracked with coughs.
Flowers, upon flowers , upon petals , upon bunches pummelled out of their heaving bodies.
And they didn’t stop .
There seemed to be an infinite number of flowers as more and more were coughed up, drowning the bed and suffocating the floor.
Remus reached for Sirius’s hand and found it immediately. He held on tight and felt it reflected back.
His chest was sparking. He felt the magic hum in his skin and lungs, propelling the flowers out.
Over his coughing, Remus heard Sirius’s end, and there was quickly a warm arm enveloping his shoulders.
When Remus’s coughs finally began to subside, the last few heaves tearing through him in harsh, painful punches, he leant back into Sirius’s welcoming arms.
He inhaled, shakily.
And he realised that he actually could .
He could actually breathe again.
Remus took in another breath, deeply this time, feeling the air flow easily into his lungs, filling them up.
“Better?” Sirius asked from behind him. He still hadn’t dropped his arms.
Remus couldn’t help the shaky laugh that fell out of him.
“ Yeah ,” he replied, breathing in deeply again just because he could .
Remus turned his head, feeling a renewed sense of energy, and pressed a kiss onto the corner of Sirius’s mouth. His lips tingled from the touch.
Sirius’s eyes fluttered shut, his breath hitching.
“I could get used to this,” he whispered, chasing Remus’s mouth when it pulled away.
“ You better ,” Remus retorted quickly, before his mouth was enveloped once again.
Sirius giggled– actually giggled – into the kiss, the action vibrating against Remus’s lips.
“ God ,” Remus sighed, the elated word muffled by Sirius’s mouth. He smiled deeply into the kiss.
Suddenly, Sirius was pulling away from the kiss.
He looked sternly at Remus, turning the boy around to face him properly. Remus could see the hidden smile in his expression.
“Remus, I hope you understand that you’re not getting rid of me now, right?”
“It’s absurd you think I’d ever want to.”
“But really, Re,” Sirius continued, sincerely. “I want to– be with you. Like properly .”
“Sirius, love,” the name slipped onto his tongue and he smiled at the ease of it, and at the way Sirius’s cheeks warmed. “I would love nothing more. Be mine, please ?”
In answer, Sirius wrapped his arms around his torso and brought him into a heartwarmingly intimate hug. He nestled his face into the juncture of Remus’s shoulder. He pressed a kiss to the exposed skin and Remus just knew .
He knew that Sirius meant it.
His hand hooked under Sirius’s jaw, tilting his head up for a kiss that he didn’t think he’d ever get enough of, but before their lips could meet, the dormitory door was pushed open.
James and Peter stood in the doorway, faces shielded with apprehension at whichever of the two possibilities they were about to witness, neither of which was very appealing.
But relief flooded their expressions as they took in the hugging pair.
“Oh, thank god– Merlin’s fat arse !” James exclaimed suddenly as he registered the piles of flowers, a beautiful mix of violet and white.
Remus laughed, unphased at this point by the floral scene.
“Erm–” James said, eyes still glued to the flowers as he tried to continue his sentence. “We heard all the coughing and wanted to make sure you two were still alive.”
“ Holy shit ,” Peter whispered at the sight.
Sirius broke from the hug to look around the two of them.
“Oh, yeah, wow,” he commented nonchalantly.
“How do you guys feel?” James asked suddenly, urgency dripping from his voice. He moved as though to walk towards them, but quickly changed his mind, eyeing the flowers littering the floor, and instead walked over to his own bed.
“I think…” Remus trailed off, taking a moment to actually think and assess himself. He smiled. “I think we’re healed.”
Sirius nodded from beside me, taking his hand and squeezing it tightly.
James and Peter beamed, smiles splitting their faces, and Remus realised how stressful this had to have been for them too.
“I mean,” Remus continued, feeling the truth pour out of him. Honesty felt nice . “I still feel like absolute shit but I can’t feel any flowers in me.”
“Yeah, same for me,” Sirius added on, a relieved smile on his face.
A loud, startling sneeze shook the room, and the three boys jumped to turn to Peter.
He was sniffling, rubbing his nose on his sneeze.
“ Hay Fever ,” he muttered, and the other three laughed, feeling light with relief.
“Sorry Pete,” James said, patting his shoulder pitifully. “We should probably deal with those,” he pointed at the flowers.
Remus moved, reaching for his wand when James stopped him.
“ Nope , you two are going straight to the hospital wing,” he scolded, ushering them to stand. “You may be cured but we’ve still got to heal the aftereffects.”
Sirius and Remus shared a humorous glance. The former shrugged, standing slowly and pulling the other up with him.
“You think you can make it there alright?” He asked.
Remus nodded, and it was true.
“Yeah, I can.”
The pair walked to the door, and upon reaching it, James called after them.
“See you two once we’re finished in here!”
They walked in a comfortable silence, enjoying each other’s company, until Remus felt a crinkle in his pocket.
He took a second to register what it was before letting out a barking laugh.
It caught Sirius by surprise, causing him to stop in the hallway.
“What?” He asked, smiling in amusement.
Remus reached into his pocket and pulled out the square of folded parchment.
“I– Er– wrote this earlier,” he confessed, handing over the now unfolded letter. “It was how I originally planned on telling you. I was going to give it to you at some point after dinner but… I was a tad interrupted.”
Sirius took the letter and began reading through it.
Remus watched his face as he read, seeing the raise of brows, furrow of brows, lip pull up between his teeth, and cheeks dust pink as he reached further down.
When he reached the bottom, he– to Remus’s utter , pleasant surprise– kissed on top of the scrawled initials and closing. He then picked up Remus’s hand.
“Well,” he said, gaze warm as their eyes met. “You already know how I feel, but in case you had any lingering worries…”
He pulled Remus in, pressing the softest graze of a kiss onto his lips before breaking away.
“ I love you ,” he whispered, and the words pierced right into the core of Remus’s soul. “And I’m yours .”
And Remus couldn’t even feel embarrassed for the quiet, breathy whine he let out before crashing their lips together.
He walked Sirius backwards, pressing him against the wall of the hallway, and kissed him, and kissed him, and kissed him some more .
But a sound from further down the corridor broke their kiss before it could get too heated, and the two panted into each other’s mouths.
Sirius smiled softly, taking Remus’s hand and pulling him forward in the direction of the hospital wing.
“Come on, let’s get ourselves healed.”
And who was Remus to say no?
He simply smiled in return, allowing himself to be guided through the castle.
They reached the large, wooden doors of the hospital wing not too long later, having only stopped for three of four kiss breaks.
Which was quite the restraint for Remus, as he wanted to do nothing more than take Sirius then and there in the hallway .
And Sirius seemed to be battling with the same restraint, as he several times begged Remus to do exactly that .
But they survived the long, torturous journey.
“Ready?” Sirius asked him, and Remus knew he wasn’t just asking about going through the doors.
This was a new chapter of their lives that would begin the second they stepped over the threshold.
But a new chapter beginning meant an old one closing.
And Sirius was asking Remus if he was ready for that .
Remus couldn’t fucking wait .
“With you, I’ll never not be ready,” he said, and a determined smile set on their faces.
Together, they pushed the doors open.
Poppy looked up at their entry, and clocked them in an instant, taking in their smiling, red faces.
“I see my hunch was correct,” she commented, a rare, satisfied smirk on her lips.
Sirius turned to Remus, smiling.
He interlocked their fingers and it felt like a promise.
And he never did drop his hand.