The first death that had caused the first crack in his mind was Regulus's death, his dear star, the one who he sees as his son and who he had thought would be the older brother to his and his darling Dora's kids.
but he couldn't, wouldn't, he won't even have those kids.
because Dora had followed after her brother soon, after only a week, she had locked herself in her room didn't eat or wash just laid in her bed till she died, a week later at the same time Reggie died.
(When he opened the door to his fiancés parents on the doorstep with tears in their eyes he knew before they said it)
he can't help but smile even now because today is ‘Sun day’ as Dora called it, she would skip classes for the day and drag both him and Reggie, along to the edge of the forest where these little animals he can never remember the name of, but they were always cuddly and they would have a picnic
(That memory of the first time they pulled him along fueled his smiles for a entire month)
a mental health day she called it.
he misses them, can't think of anything to do with them gone, all his plans were with them, he has no other friends. he still talks and he wants nothing to do with the Potter boy who broke Reggie's heart, or Sirius who keeps trying to push his way into the house.
'Grieving together' is what he said, as if he had the right to grieve when he so willingly gave up on Regulus, as if he hadn't pushed him away when he realized he could get away, as if he wasn't smart enough to know the reason Reggie wouldn't leave that retched house.
As if he had the right to grieve when Regulus stayed so he could leave.
like he didn't know that the Black family would have an Heir whether they liked it or not, and it was either Sirius or Regulus, and Regulus ever the bleeding heart so desperate to protect those he loves stayed, gave up his soul so Sirius could keep his.
As if that Dog had any right to come into the house as if the house (he and Pandora had bought with four bedrooms, the house the three of them painted and laughed and cried and smiled in, the house they were supposed to be a family in,) was something he could just walk into.
as if Reggie hadn't spent weeks carving runes into floors, wood and stone around every inch of the house to make them safe.
as if Pandora hadn't gone out the day they got the house, to buy paint and came back with food, a cat, a lost child, carving tools for Reggie, potion ingredients and new clothes for him, and without the paint.
(Reggie had looked at the child then at Dora with a raised brow making her smile brightly as I sighed waving the small child to sit down while Dora and reggie go look for their parents)
as if they hadn't made cuddle plies on the floor in front of the bay window, because Regulus had a bad day and Dora couldn't let that stand without comfort.
as if they hadn't spent an entire day sitting on the floor in the living room, trying to build a cat house Reggie had gone out and bought and somehow lost the instructions.
as if he had any right to come into the house Regulus loved with his heart and soul, and considered his safe spot from any bad in the world.
but
it's okay
(It’s not)
it's fine
(Nothing will every be fine again)
so he smiles
because its sun day, and its Dora's favorite day of the year except for their birthdays.
It's okay, because he can see the knife Reggie carved for him when he first threatened him for Pandora, said he would need it if he ever hurt his older sister cause he was trained in knife fighting since he was 6.
so he takes another sip of the alcohol from his glass, the alcohol they drank together, and spent all night giggling together.
he puts it down on the table, takes a deep breath.
(Let’s it out while staring at a phot of the three of them Dora’s bright smile Reggie’s Small fond one and his laughing grin)
he takes his hair down, (Dora loved his hair down) he pushes himself out of the chair, (Reggie hated because it never matched the rest of the house yet he never made it mysteriously disappear like the things he truly hates)
he picks up the knife and walks in front of the bay window, sits on the floor in front of it, (Reggie hated it when anything got on the cushions of it) looks at the garden his Star and Moon took care of without magic and loved every second of it.
he turns around and leans against the half wall, and he looks at the knife, and he can't help but feel it makes sense to die on the same day Pandora always loved.
he takes a deep breath feels the pain
(The sharp pain as the knife slides over his wrists feels the drip of blood on his thigh, feels his eyelids fight to stay up)
and lets himself slip into the darkness one last time
Another star joins the sky.