Remus blew out a relieved sigh, when he finally spotted the figure in the distance. He hadn’t seen Sirius since he had stormed off after their DADA lesson that morning, and it hadn’t been until Mary had told him that she had seen him march up the narrow road that led into the mountains beyond the school, that he had even thought of looking up here.
He had been searching for him for the better half of the afternoon and it was already beginning to get dark; the slowly setting sun dousing the thick blanket of moss and grass into soft shades of pink and gold.
Sirius was slouched on a big boulder; his leather jacket wrapped tightly around his torso to shield him from the harsh highland breeze, the silky strands of black hair billowing around his face in a manner that vaguely reminded Remus of a majestic raven flapping its wings just before takeoff.
Remus’ stomach flipped as he watched the boy shake his head slightly, seemingly distracted by the dancing strands of hair tickling his cheeks, before raising a hand to tuck them neatly behind his ear and finally revealing his face.
Beautiful.
That was all Remus could think, as he approached the young wizard.
Sirius was all soft skin and graceful features; the piercing grey of his eyes twinkling from below the dark lashes in a way that always caused Remus’ heart to stutter.
The boy didn’t look up when Remus let himself sink onto the large rock beside him; a big sigh falling from his lips as his shoulders slumped forward and he turned to hide his face.
“Want to tell me what’s wrong?” Remus offered, trying for a comforting tone. “You know I won’t judge.”
Sirius instantly stiffened and shook his head.
“I don’t want to talk about it, Moony.”
Remus felt a twinge of annoyance, mixed with a dull feeling of jealousy. He knew that, had he been James, the young wizard would have confided in him without thinking twice. Sirius told James everything. …But not him.
“Okay.” He huffed, unwilling to give up so quickly. “But I want to talk about it. Something is going on, and I want to know what it is.”
He crossed his arms in front of his chest and cast Sirius a challenging look, waiting for the other wizard to say something.
When Sirius didn’t reply he tried again.
“Come on, Pads!” he pressed on. “First you refuse to cast a Patronus charm, telling Professor Maythorn that you don’t know how to do one, and then you disappear without telling anyone where you’re going?” He gave his friend a stern look. “We both know that was a lie. You mastered the Patronus charm years ago.”
Sirius let out a scoff, his mouth setting into a bitter line.
“Just because I used to be able to conjure a Patronus, doesn’t mean I still can, okay?” His tone was cold and defensive and he glared at Remus as if he wanted nothing better than to shove him out of the way and run off again.
Anger rumbled in Remus’ chest and he had to take several deep breaths to calm his temper. The full moon was close, which always made him irritable, and he was done with Sirius’ secretive behaviour. He hated that he was trying to hide things from him, especially when Remus himself was already holding back so much. All he really wanted was to pull the infuriating wizard into his arms and snog him senseless.
“Look, mate…” he began, running a frustrated hand through his hair. “I know things have been difficult lately…” It was true. More and more muggle-borns were being attacked and they had reason to believe that even Sirius’ own little brother had joined the Death Eaters. “but you never let that get you down before. You honestly want to tell me that six years of being a key member of the Marauders, playing pranks with us and getting up to no good, has not given you one happy memory that’s strong enough to conjure a Patronus?” He shook his head. “I’m sorry, Pads, but I don’t believe it. There’s something else going on.”
He tried to ignore the way his stomach flipped when Sirius finally looked up at him, the normally so piercing, azure-grey eyes now dark and stormy, and for a moment he thought it was lucky that he was sitting upwind from him. – not being able to smell him was making it easier to keep his urges in check.
Sirius hesitated for another moment, his teeth gnawing nervously on his bottom lip, before he finally caved.
“It’s not that I can’t do a Patronus.” He admitted. “It’s just…”
“Just what?” Remus prodded.
He watched as Sirius sucked in a deep breath, clearly steeling himself to say something; the smooth skin between his eyebrows creasing slightly as a worried expression settled on his ethereal features.
“I didn't want you to find out, okay?” he suddenly blurted. “Or.. well.. at least not like that. Not in front of everyone.”
“Find out what?” Remus’ mouth felt really dry all of a sudden and he could feel a dull ache settle in his chest as his heart rate moved into a thunderous gallop.
So he really was hiding something.
But what?
What could possibly be so bad, that he couldn’t share it with one of his best friends?
Because that’s what they were, right? - Friends.
Despite his ever growing feelings for him, Remus had tried so hard to remain Sirius’ friend. He knew that he could live with the pain of not having him in the way he wanted, just as long as he had him in some way or another.
Chewing his lip anxiously, Sirius cast Remus an uneasy look, the smell of fear mixing with the crisp scent of the highland air around them, as he pulled his wand out of his pocket and held it up in front of them like he was brandishing a sword.
“Expecto Patronum.” He muttered.
He looked positively terrified, diligently avoiding Remus’ gaze, as a giant silver wolf broke from the tip of his wand.
Remus gasped as the majestic creature circled around and began to approach him, the luminous gold of its eyes never leaving his, as it carefully sniffed the air around them. He held his breath, too nervous to move under the scrutiny of the enormous beast, when all of a sudden, the wolf seemed to decide that Remus posed no threat and turned to face Sirius instead.
A million questions erupted in Remus' head.
How was this possible?
He had seen Sirius’ Patronus before.
It had always been a black dog. Not a wolf. Not…him?
“Sirius,…” He began, his breath coming out in short, erratic puffs as he watched the wolf decline its head towards the black-haired boy, who mirrored the gesture, before flicking his wand casually and making the giant animal disappear. “Why did your Patronus change?”
Sirius let out an indignant huff.
“Have a guess…” He murmured, a mixture of sadness and longing in his eyes.
“But...” Remus began, feeling utterly shocked and confused. “You never said.. I mean.. how did I not notice…?”
“I think you did notice.” Sirius admitted, and Remus could have sworn that he saw the faintest hint of pink sweep across his cheeks. “You… your eyes flash gold when you look at me sometimes.”
It was Remus’ turn to blush now. Merlin, had he really been so obvious?
“You…” He croaked, quickly clearing his throat. “You weren't supposed to notice that.”
Sirius snorted.
“Of course, I noticed.” He said, his eyes growing sad again. “I think it’s my fault you’re doing it. Your wolf can probably sense that…” he trailed off, a weary expression on his face, as if he was scared that he had said too much.
“That what?” Remus nudged gently, but Sirius only shook his head, deciding to change course.
“Sometimes…” he admitted, “Sometimes you look at me as if you want to eat me. As if, to you, I would taste better than even the most decadent piece of Honeydukes’ Best Chocolate.”
He cast him a sheepish look, and Remus’ stomach swooped, when, for a fraction of a second Sirius’ lips tilted into a serene little smile. “I like when you do that.”
Remus shook his head, feeling both mortified and confused. None of this was making any sense. Not only did Sirius know that Remus desperately wanted him, but… was he actually admitting to reciprocating those feelings?
The great Sirius Black, ferocious flirt and breaker of hearts, liking him… plain old Remus Lupin?
The confusion must have shown on his face, because when Sirius spoke again his voice was small and vulnerable.
“W-what are you thinking?” He asked, the steely grey of his irises so filled with fear and uncertainty, that it caused Remus pain to even look at him.
He hated seeing him like this. And more than that.. he hated being the cause of it.
Taking a deep breath, he stood up to face the handsome boy; the need to comfort him, so strong that he had a hard time controlling his powers. He took his hands, trying to force his mouth into an encouraging smile, and pulled him up, using much more force than intended.
Sirius swayed for a moment, a surprised gasp falling from his lips, as he quickly raised his hands to Remus’ chest in an attempt to steady himself.
“I’m thinking…” Remus began, practically shaking with nerves and pent up energy “That I would really like to kiss you right now.”
Sirius’ breath hitched; a fleeting second of confused puzzlement quickly giving way to desire as his eyes dropped to Remus’ mouth and he swallowed hard.
Remus watched carefully as the dark-haired wizard took a tentative step closer, determined to let him make the next move. He knew that if he pushed too much now, it could ruin everything.
Sirius looked both terrified and excited as he looked up at him, and piercing raincloud-grey met soft hazel-green. Seconds felt like hours as they looked at each other, the thunderous drum of Remus’ heart so loud in his ears, it was almost unbearable.
But then Sirius’ gaze dropped and all Remus could hear was a breathless “ok”, as the young wizard leaned in and brushed his lips against his.
Remus shuddered.
It was as if time had stopped and everything around them had disappeared; leaving only the feeling of Sirius’ lips pressed against his, accompanied by a hot, tingling sensation - like crackling electricity - that wandered down his spine and spread throughout his veins.
It was too much and not enough, all at the same time; - a dizzying feeling of elation that caused something to shift deep within his core, and all of a sudden the only thing Remus could think was ‘mine.’
‘Mine, mine, mine.’ The word kept echoing in his head, over and over again.
Sirius was his.
Sirius, who tasted so sinful and intoxicatingly sweet that it would be easy to become addicted. Who smelled of spontaneity and laughter, and the compelling scent of youthful bliss in dark and hopeless times.
And Sirius, who felt warm, and comforting, …and safe.
It took Remus every ounce of his self-control to pull back; the needy whine that tumbled from Sirius’ lips making it so much harder to let go of him and take a step back.
“I think we should go.” He croaked. “It’s getting dark.”
Sirius looked up at him, lips swollen and eyes still clouded with desire, as he nodded slowly.
“Ok.” He breathed, casting Remus a nervous look, before stretching out his arm and carefully sliding his hand into his.
Butterflies erupted in Remus’ chest at the affectionate gesture, and he could feel his lips pull into a complacent smile, as he interlaced their fingers and they both began the steep descent that led back to their school.
“Moony?” Sirius asked, after minutes of walking in silence.
“Hm?”
“What are we going to do about my Patronus?”
Remus let out a soft chuckle.
A small, selfish part of him would have loved to watch Sirius expose his feelings for him in front of all their fellow students, but he knew that it probably wasn’t wise.
“Don’t worry.” He said, a self-satisfied smirk tugging on his lips. “I don’t know what memory you’ve been using to conjure that beast, but I’m pretty sure I’ve read somewhere that your Patronus will change depending on the memory you use.”
He watched as Sirius’ eyebrows furrowed with confusion, before understanding bloomed on his beautiful features, and his ears turned the colour of strawberries in the summertime.
“Oh..” he breathed, looking thoroughly embarrassed.
Remus laughed; a warm, uplifting feeling of affection rumbling in his chest as he gave the other wizard’s hand a reassuring squeeze.
“It’ll be fine.” He soothed, his eyes twinkling with mirth as he stopped and pulled Sirius into a soft embrace. “We’ll just have to find you a different memory for now. Unless...” His lips curved into a devious smirk. “Unless you want to confess your undying love for me in front of the whole class, of course.”
~END~