Emerald Shadows

Harry woke, feeling warm and safe. His body, however, did not feel great. He had a pounding headache that was familiar to him now, and a stomach that was rolling with nausea. He burrowed in deeper to the warmth that surrounded him without opening his eyes.

      Unfortunately, he could not stop awareness from coming into his mind and he realized that the warmth was another person. He tensed for a moment before realizing that the person smelled like Blaise, and the bed felt like their bed back home. His eyes opened and he saw he was in his bedroom at home. Home.

      Harry sat up gently, Blaise was still asleep. Harry wracked his brains as to how he had gotten home. Disjointed memories swirled around his brain. He'd been... in Ibiza. There had been clubs. And then... Tyler. Harry shuddered in disgust. Then... Harry must have apparated back. He remembered feeling lower than ever and being surrounded by water. Blaise's face appeared in his memories... and then Remus and Rob. From there, he had snippets of the night before, but there was also a lot that he was sure wasn't real. Like the way he remembered the ceiling caving in on them. And the walls vibrating.

      "Good morning," Blaise murmured from beside him, eyes still closed. He reached out and pulled Harry back to him. Harry felt a wave of immense guilt. He didn't even know what to say. He wasn't sure how much time had passed or what he'd said to Blaise. All he knew was that he'd surrendered to his cravings and gone on a bender, ignoring all of Blaise's offers of help.

      "Morning," he croaked. Blaise cuddled up to him and laid his head on Harry's stomach, wrapping an arm around his waist. He was clearly still not very awake, but he looked peaceful. Harry carded his fingers through Blaise's hair, guilty relishing in the time that Blaise wasn't aware enough to remember what Harry had done.

      "Stop thinking so much," Blaise murmured, "I'm not mad."

      Or maybe he did remember. Instead of reassuring Harry, Blaise's comment made him more unsure of where he stood. Harry's behavior had been unacceptable. He knew it well.

      "Okay," Blaise sighed and shifted, and rolled over onto his back before he sat up and leaned against the headboard with Harry, "I can see you getting in your own head, so let's talk."

      "Okay," Harry whispered, looking down at his hands.

      "First of all, I'm going to need you to be completely honest with me," Blaise said. Harry nodded quickly. "Alright, is there anything you'd like to say first?"

      Harry gave a shaky breath, "Well, I just- I'm so sorry. For all of it. I know it was wrong. I'm sorry if I hurt you. I don't- I don't know what I can do to make it up to you. I just need you to know that I'm so sorry."

      "I know you are," Blaise said kindly, "And yes, I was upset, but I know you didn't do it to hurt me. Are you sorry about what you did to yourself?"

      Harry looked at him, confused.

      Blaise explained more, "If I wasn't involved, would you be sorry about what you did?"

      Harry picked at his fingers, "Yes? I'm upset that I threw everything down the drain, I guess."

      "Do you regret it? Thinking only of yourself," Blaise asked gently, "If you don't that's okay too, but I need to know."

      "I don't know. I should. I do sometimes," Harry said.

      "But?" Blaise prompted.

      Harry scratched his wrist, "But... I don't know, I still feel the same way as when I decided to get high. So then I can't truly regret it can I? If I still have feelings that I could do it again."

      "Do you want to do it again?" Blaise asked. Harry shook his head.

      "No, not really. But it's there, it's... it's strong Blaise," Harry's voice cracked, "And I d-don't want to give in, but I don't k-know how."

      He felt dumb and weak and pathetic for the way that he felt. The thoughts of going back to the clubs and drowning these tough feelings were already circling his mind. He felt like he couldn't control anything. This was so different than before, when he had been more than ready to quit.

      Blaise pulled him into a hug.

      "It's okay," he murmured, "We're going to figure this out. As long as you don't actually want to, we can figure this out. As long as you want to try."

      "I want to try," Harry said earnestly.

      "Okay, then we'll try, you're allowed to have struggles and temptations," Blaise said, and pulled back. "What we do need to talk about though, is all of the secrets that you've been keeping."

      Harry looked down in shame.

      "Why didn't you tell anyone that you were struggling?" Blaise asked. Harry could sense restrained frustration in his voice. It confused him, that Blaise would be angrier that Harry had kept his feelings to himself that at everything else.

      "I didn't know what was going on," Harry admitted, "I just got so stressed... but I didn't know why it was affecting me so much. And I didn't want to disappoint you. I thought... I thought I could handle it on my own, and that it wouldn't take long to pass."

      "Why would you need to handle it on your own?" Blaise prodded.

      "Because I always feel like I'm leaning on you too much. You helped me so much, I didn't want to become a burden," Harry explained, feeling like an absolute failure.

      "You are never a burden. I love you. I want to help. I want to know when you're feeling low," Blaise assured him, "When did you start thinking about relapsing?"

      "I mean I always have cravings. After a few weeks of the low feeling not going away, and everything was just getting worse and worse, I started thinking more seriously about it. And then after Molly... I was able to convince her, but I just felt so empty. The words were empty, it made me feel horrible," Harry said, "But I didn't plan on relapsing still. Then... I don't know, I just woke up one night and I couldn't take it anymore. There wasn't a lot of thinking involved with it."

      Blaise nodded thoughtfully, "Do you remember making the decision to leave after we talked?"

      Harry's cheeks burned in renewed guilt, "I was... upset when you left. I was trying to delude myself into thinking that everything would be fine because I didn't want to face what I had done. And so when you left, reality came crashing down and I just... I couldn't deal with it. I didn't want to. So I left to go find somewhere that I wouldn't have to. I didn't intend to go to another country though. I was going to come home the next morning."

      "And then?"

      "And then I just wasn't paying any attention to what was going on. I didn't care really," Harry said, "How many days was it?"

      "Five," Blaise answered, "It's Thursday."

      "Merlin," Harry breathed. He'd guessed maybe two days had passed. Not five.

      "You said you saw Tyler, is that what made you come home?" Blaise asked.

      "Yeah, he... he was saying some things about you and touching me, and I hated it. It broke me out of whatever trance I'd been in. All I knew is that I had messed up really badly and I needed to get home," Harry said, shifting uneasily at the memory.

      "You apparated, while you were high," Blaise said, "That was really dangerous. I found you in the lake. Do you remember why you were out there?"

      Harry fidgeted with his hands. He remembered. He remembered clearly what he had been about to do. That didn't mean he still felt that way though. He was embarrassed. He didn't want to end his life, but he still could follow where the train of thought had come from, and that scared him.

      "Yes," he whispered.

      Blaise gathered him in his arms again and made a sorrowful noise. He buried his face in Harry's hair.

      "You can't do that okay?" Blaise said, voice sounding thick, "I won't let you."

      Harry was trembling again as he held onto Blaise, "I won't. I don't want to anymore. I was confused, I didn't think I had anything left to live for."

      "You do, you have so much," Blaise assured him, "If you ever even think about it again, please tell me right away. I don't care where I am or what time it is."

      "Okay," Harry whispered. He didn't want to let go of Blaise, "What now?"

      "Now I'm going to hold on to you until I can convince myself that you're going to be okay," Blaise told him honestly. Harry nodded. He knew he had hurt Blaise a lot, even if he hadn't intended to. He wouldn't mind being held either. "And then we're going to go downstairs and get some food in you and then talk to Remus and Rob about next steps."

      After a few minutes of silence, Blaise asked, "How are you feeling physically?"

      "Um, like I have a severe hangover and... I'm craving a high," Harry said, "I'm sore and itchy."

      Blaise held him tighter, "And mentally?"

      "I'm... relieved. I really thought I had ruined everything. I'm embarrassed too, by everything that I've done, and by last night. I know I was not in my right mind," Harry said, "Unless the ceiling was actually trying to eat me."

      "Is that what you were seeing? I was wondering," Blaise mused, "Yeah you were pretty much... on another planet. But you don't need to be embarrassed."

      "Did you put these on?" Harry asked, noticing his bracelets.

      "Yes, I didn't want you to be able to leave if you got scared," Blaise told him. Harry nodded.

      "Good, I think... I'll take them off later, once I feel better, but then I'm going to put them back on. I don't really trust myself," Harry said.

      "Okay, how about you only put them on when you're starting to feel like you might do something, that way I know too, and you know, but we won't be overusing them?" Blaise suggested.

      Harry nodded, "Please don't let me leave. I don't want to, I swear."

      "Okay love," Blaise nodded, "But I trust you. Or I trust that you'll fight this."

      Harry nodded and snuggled even further into Blaise's hold. Everything felt okay like this. Everything felt right.

      After a long time of lying there, Blaise decided that Harry should probably eat something. He helped Harry out of bed and held him up when he swayed dangerously. Harry's face turned pale with a green twinge, so Blaise hurried him to the bathroom where he gagged. There was still nothing coming up, but apparently Harry's stomach did not know that.  

      When Harry was done, he rinsed his mouth and stood shakily on his legs. Blaise led him downstairs, moving slowly as he was aware of Harry's instability.

      They found Rob and Remus both at the kitchen table eating some toast and eggs.

      "Good morning Harry," Remus greeted, "Blaise."

      Harry simply nodded. Blaise knew he felt deeply embarrassed by what had happened and was struggling to look at the other two.

      "How are you feeling?" Remus asked kindly.

      "Like crap I would imagine," Rob said dryly, "Eat."

      He pushed a piece of toast to Harry, who looked at it apprehensively but sat down obediently.

      "So I assumed you two talked a bit," Rob said as Harry took a bite.

      "Yes, we've figured a few things out," Blaise answered. Harry nodded as he chewed slowly.       

      "That's great," Rob said, "But, Harry, you need to get into therapy."

      Harry nodded.

      "Where is your head at right now?" Remus asked. Harry glanced at Blaise and took a deep breath.

      "Well, I want to say I'm sorry for any stress that I caused you," he started, "I understand that my decisions were wrong, and I wish that I hadn't, but I did. If there's any way for me to make it up to you, please tell me. But otherwise... I'm just, I don't really feel much better than at the end of last week, but I feel much better than I did last night."

      "Would you use again if you could?" Remus asked.

      "I don't want to, but I can't confidently say that I won't," Harry admitted, "But I'm really trying."

      "That's all that we ask, one day at a time," Rob reassured him.

      Harry put down his toast after a few bites, swallowing like he was struggling to keep it down. Blaise got him a glass of water.

      "What's something that we can do to lower the stress levels that caused all of this?" Rob asked, "We can focus on the drugs, but it's better if we focus on what led up to it."

      Harry sighed and rested his chin on his palm. He shook his head slightly. Blaise could see him tensing up and stressing himself out all over again.

      "Maybe just tell us what is stressing you out, and then we can brainstorm," Blaise suggested. Harry nodded.

      "Well, the book thing, it's- it feels really invasive, and I just want him to leave me alone. And the Ministry. They just- it's making me feel like how I did when I made the decision to do this the first time. I feel like people want to use me as a weapon and for my name, and like I'm trapped," Harry said, "Like no matter what I do, they're always going to want more and then threaten me if I don't give it to them. And then I just feel horrible for not wanting to help. And I get in my head about whether I should or shouldn't."

      Blaise put a hand on his shoulder in support. He hadn't realized how deeply these issues had hit Harry. He should have seen this coming. This was more than just pressure from the Ministry. These were all problems that went all of the way down to Harry's previous trauma and self-worth issues.

      "I can get Minerva to get a ward to stop correspondence from the Ministry from going to you, we could redirect it to me," Remus offered, "And then I could read it, if you'd be comfortable with that, and tell them no until they get the message."

      "I don't want it to bother you-" Harry began to protest.

      "Nonsense," Remus interrupted, "In fact, we could do it with the author too. That way you can just focus on yourself and your job."

      "It would be good to eliminate those stressors," Rob said, "You could check in once a week so that you're not in the dark about it."

      Harry nodded, "If you're sure."

      "I am, I have the time." Remus nodded, "Besides, the Ministry won't want to mess with a werewolf."

      "Speaking of, don't you have to go?" Rob checked. Remus nodded and stood.

      "Yes, I just wanted to make sure you were okay Harry. I'll stop by in a few days," he said, and bent down to give Harry a hug before he left.

      "Thanks," Harry said softly. Remus went through their floo.

      "So Harry," Rob said, "I'm going to schedule you an appointment for tomorrow morning, do you think you'll be okay until then?"

      "I think so," Harry nodded.

      "Okay, I'm sure you're feeling itchy and sore already, so take a warm bath, go on a walk, watch a movie, but don't just sit there if it's not working, don't let the cravings get loud, these first few days are the worst," Rob advised, "If you need anything, you have my number."

      Rob stood and paused, his face softened, "I'm glad you're okay, and I'm proud of you for coming back."

      Without another word, Rob left.

      Harry sat and stared into the kitchen. Blaise felt a little unsettled. He'd taken off of work the rest of the week, but now he didn't exactly know what to do. What did Harry need? What should they do? Should they talk some more? Did he need to eat more?

      "Thank you," Harry said softly to him. Blaise blinked and looked at him. "Thank you for being patient and understanding. I know this is hard for you too."

      Blaise nodded, "It is, but only because I care so much about you."

      "I'm worried I'll let you down," Harry said after a few moments.

      "Don't think like that, just focus on today. And then tomorrow, focus on tomorrow," Blaise said, taking his hand, "Okay?"

      "Okay."

      "I love you."

      "I love you too."