If only

Prologue:

Hermione closed her eyes and breathed deeply. This was it. She had spent the last few hours on the train with Harry and Ron making small talk, and laughing. It was fun being with her two best friends, but sometimes Hermione needed a break. Harry and Ron were great friends, but sometimes she felt like the third wheel. Hermione often wished she had someone who understood her historical references, and challenged her intellect, all while making her laugh and feel beautiful. Hermione had excused herself an hour ago to change into her robes, and now found herself staring at her reflection in the girls bathroom mirror. She had red eyes with huge bags under them, from all her late night reading. Her hair was a huge mess of tangles, and even her robes looked frumpy and out-dated on her. She often wished she could have the confidence and courage of the other Gryffindors. While many knew about her academic skills, Hermione feared many were just seeing her as a walking textbook. Sighing, Hermione adjusted her robes and glanced once again at her reflection. She silently made a wish that what she was about to do would work, and that this year she would have her second boyfriend.
Today, Hermione planned on confessing her true feelings to Ron. She had been putting it off for about two years, and this year she was going to do it. “You can do this,” she told her reflection, “you are strong, confident, and Ron is going to love y-” Hermione cut off when Lavender Brown sashayed out of a bathroom stall in her newly tailored school uniform. Hermione noticed that Lavender had… developed over the summer. With Lavender next to her, Hermione found herself feeling second rate. After she built up her confidence, the last thing she needed was to have it torn down again. Hermione quickly left the bathroom, and swore she saw Lavender smirking as she adjusted her already perfect updo and expertly applied lip gloss.
Hermione briskly walked along the narrow walkway and attempted to muster up any shards of courage she had left. As she was walking however, she must have been more sidetracked than normal, as she bumped into a person in front of her; a very tall person. Hermione opened her mouth to apologize until she saw who it was. It was none other than Harry’s nemesis, Draco Malfoy.
Hermione had no great disrespect for Draco. In fact, she admired his stellar intellect and great determination. However, the fact remained that Draco was a jerk.
Hermione realized Draco had addressed her, and looked up into his steel gray eyes. Draco had grown over the summer, and Hermione saw he was upset as he rattled off a long speech about respecting one’s personal space, and how he was busy enough without crazy schoolgirls bumping into him for their own personal amusement. Somewhere in the chaos of speech, Hermione found herself glancing at Draco’s disheveled appearance. As much as Hermione would hate to admit it to her friends (and even more to herself) but Draco looked… well… not as arrogant as he had in the previous years.
He looked… extremely anxious.
Hermione soon realized that Draco had stopped talking.
Draco's lips twitched in what she assumed was a smile, and he excused himself. As Hermione turned to enter her compartment, she heard raucous laughter from the other end of the cabin. Hermione sighed. It was going to be a long year, she thought. As Hermione pulled open the compartment doors, she saw Ron was all by himself. Hermione briskly sat down across from him, ready to start a conversation. Today was the day.
Draco quickly wiped the smile off his face and made his signature Malfoy smirk. He had to be carefully guarded around his Slytherin friends. He didn’t want them thinking he was weakened by his task, or the fact that his father was arrested and it was all over newspapers everywhere. He hadn’t laughed like that for a while. He just couldn’t resist the stupified look on Hermione’s face. For once, he had stumped the great Hermione Granger. Even though Hermione was a Mudblood, he couldn’t help but be admired by her intelligence. It was no match for his, of course, but he still found himself wondering how she was able to hold so much information at once. When he ran into her, Hermione seemed worried. He wondered what could possibly scare her so much. As he talked with his “friends,” with Draco constantly acting bored and to good for everyone, he found his thoughts wandering. A lot had happened in the past few months, after all. Laughing at a remark one of his friends made about who knows what, Draco happened to look up and see a suitcase move. Potter, he thought. He only knew of one person in the entire school with an invisibility cloak. If he was Potter, he wouldn’t strut around with it like an idiot, he’d hide it and make sure no one saw it. He was pretty sure all the teachers knew about all of Potter’s exploits. Draco felt his irritation and rage bubbling to the surface. He hated Potter getting away with every little thing he did. He hated that his father was in prison. He hated that he could see pity underneath his friends’ masked faces. Draco’s fist clenched as the train stopped. While his friends went ahead of him, chatting about the prospects of a new year, Draco lagged behind. As Draco was advancing toward the shelf, the compartment doors magically closed, and the windows shut. I have enough to deal with as it is, thought Draco. I’ll teach Potter a lesson once and for all. After that, Draco let his rage consume him. It was rare that Draco let his feelings control him, but he couldn’t take it anymore.
So he let go.

Chapter One:
Hermione:
Her conversation with Ron hadn’t gone as planned. In fact, it hadn’t gone at all. Her and Ron had just sat in the compartment in a silence, that grew thicker by the minute until Hermione could feel it in the air. Without Harry, it seemed as though they didn’t really have anything to talk about. She excused herself to go to the restroom and boost her confidence yet again. However, when she returned, who did she find snuggled up to Ron but Lavender Brown herself. Lavender then shot her a pitying look that was anything but pity, and proceeded to ask Ron how his holiday was, all while shoving her assets in his face. Ron seemed to be enjoying himself quite a bit from all the attention he was receiving. All Ron managed to do when he saw Hermione was shoot her a somewhat sheepish look as he recounted all his “summer adventures.” As Ron told a spellbound Lavender about a time when his broomstick was hurtling toward the ground at top speeds, and he had pulled out of the dive just in time to accomplish a triple flip in the air. Lavender seemed widely impressed with his story, as she gave him a huge hug and proclaimed him pulling out of the dive to be a miracle. Hermione could have sworn she even saw Lavender crying.
Funnily enough, Hermione had a very different interpretation of the story. As she recalled it, Ron had hit the ground from his dive with such a massive force and acceleration, that he was knocked out for 3 hours.
After the crying episode, Ron proceeded to motion to Hermione to leave, and Hermione saw Lavender smirk from underneath Ron’s arms.
She doubted Ron would notice.
Hermione felt the train jolt to a stop, and slowly proceeded to an exit, wishing she had a book to bury her nose in.
Oh well. She couldn't control Lavender, but she could control how she reacted. She resolved then to ask Ron that day how he felt about her. She didn't care that Lavender was apparently all over Ron, but she had a leg up on her. Hermione was Ron's best friend. (One of them anyway) and she knew all about Ron. She knew he hated firewhisky after it had came out of his nose when Harry made a joke about Professor Trelawney. She knew he ate more for two people than for one. She knew... that he seemed jealous whenever she was with Victor Krum... As she made her way out onto the train platform, she let herself dream. Of Ron's arms around her, and how it would feel when they... Hermione shook her head and let herself be lost in the majesty that was Hogwarts. She loved the turrets in the tower, and her dorm room which she shared (regrettably) with two other girls. They were the Patil sisters, and while they were kind to Hermione, they always seemed to leave her out.
Which suited her just fine. She didn't need anyone else besides Ron and Harry.
She took a deep breath and trudged up the path to the school. She craned her neck, looking for Ron when she noticed him running a hand through his hair (which he did when he was nervous) and walking the same direction. She quickened her pace, hoping to catch up with him when she felt someone pulling her back and looked back to see it was Ginny with Luna. She smiled widely and hugged both of them. Both bombarded her with questions about her holiday and she tried her best to answer them as she made her way to the front of the school. The girls followed her into the Great Hall and Ginny and Luna separated and Hermione found Harry and invited a blushing Ginny to join her.
Ron soon made his way over and excitedly whispered to Dean about Quidditch tactics when Hermione and Ginny made their way over.
"Hey Ron" Hermione whispered.
Ron nodded and smiled at her.
"Where's Harry?" asked Hermione, looking around. Ginny joined her and then shrugged. Ron laughed. "Probably off somewhere getting into trouble eh Dean?"
Then they both laughed. Hermione chuckled a little, but knew something was wrong. Harry was almost never late...
"Hey Mione! Think I could talk to you for a minute? I could use another perspective about something."
Hermione turned beet red and mumbled a soft yes. All thoughts of Harry drifted from her head.
Ron blinded her with his smile and they made their way to the hallway. A more private setting. Hermione tried to remember how to breathe.
Ron paced in front of her and seemed nervous. He ran his hand through his hair and gave her the once over. "Have you changed Mione?"
Hermione's mouth fell open as she shook her head no. Could this... Could Ron be asking her out?
Ron cleared his throat as Hermione snapped her jaw shut. She would be calm, she would be cool...
"What do you think of Lavender?"
Hermione's mind shattered.
"What?" she mumbled.
"Well," Ron stated sheepishly, "I was thinking about asking her out, but... I don't know. I was wondering what you thought I should do."
Hermione blinked back tears and said with a squeak, "Well, if you like her... I'd ask her out."
Ron grinned at Hermione and pulled her into his arms. Ron said "I knew you'd think so! Man, this is going to be great! All four of us... I've gotta go tell Harry! See you around Mione!"
Ron rushed into the Great Hall looking like he was on Cloud 9.
Hermione had had bad days. But this one took the cake.
She sank to her knees and had a good cry. She doubted anyone would come out for another few hours. After all, the day before classes was always the most social. Usually Hermione loved it, but now...
She finally sniffled and decided to go to the dorms. She could collect herself easier there.
As she was walking, she heard someone mumbling to themselves. She decided to investigate. As she turned the corner to see what was happening, she stopped dead in her tracks.
It was Malfoy.
And he was... crying.
Hermione wasn't supposed to be here. She quickly turned around and hurried the opposite direction. Her mind wandered as she opened the door to the Gryffindor common room. What had Malfoy been crying about? And should she tell Harry? She shook her head and laid down. She'd think about that later. Right now, all she needed was a pumpkin pasty and butterbeer.
Realizing she had neither, Hermione cried again. Over her ignorance with Ron, herself for not thinking to take food and most of all... Herself for believing someone would actually like her for who she was.
These thoughts haunted her as she fell into an uneasy sleep.

Draco:
Note: This chapter briefly mentions abuse. If you or a loved one is being abused, don’t hesitate to reach out! Crisis help line: 800-799-7233 (abuse)
Draco hurried out of the compartment just as the doors were closing. Potter would be back to London by now. Draco hurried to the platform and ran along the path to the school.
Even now, Hogwarts still took his breath away. Even now that everything has changed… For better or worse he wasn’t sure. All he knew was that he would never be the same boy he was. Now that he was tasked with this mission… This mission could change everything. Finally he could please his father and Lord Voldemort. He wouldn’t be a failure. Now only one thing stood in his way: The Golden Trio. He knew they didn’t seem like much, but he had learned a long time ago to never underestimate them. Especially Granger. While she may be an insufferable know-it-all, he could handle her. He had done enough kissing up to strangers during his father’s lunch ins to know how to be aristocratic. A somewhat peacemaker, especially in his parents' marriage. There was only so much they could bribe the Prophet to keep his mother’s bruised face out of headlines.
Draco ran a hand through his mused hair and looked for a distraction. His eyes snagged on a familiar head of bushy brown hair and he sighed.
He didn’t particularly like Hermione, but he was sure only the Gryffindors did because she helped their house with the highest test scores (only followed by Slytherin). He wasn’t really sure if anyone liked her. Maybe the Weasel, and Potter, but only because she balanced them out. After all, if it was only Potter and Weasley, he doubted anything would get done. Potter was always known for snooping around though… He’d have to be wary of him. After all… this year wouldn’t be easy.
“Move ya git!” Draco turned to see a young girl (Gryffindor) make her way around him and complain loudly to her friends about sidewalk sharing. Draco bit back a snarl. However, he was soon able to compose himself. He wasn’t his father’s son for nothing. He scanned the faces around him and realized he was almost 2 heads taller than everyone. Well, at least his family genes were good for something.
Draco picked up the pace and made good time heading up the hill to the school. He scurried into the Great Hall, scanning for any signs of his “friends”. Thankfully, only Blaise and Pansy seemed to be there. He talked big around them, but there was no one he could be himself with. Just as he was mentally preparing for the exhausting social small talk, he noticed Granger and the Weasel heading out from the Great Hall. Likely to snog no doubt. About time too. He rolled his eyes. He’d had enough of this for one day. He grabbed some pumpkin pasties (his favorite) and hurried from the Great Hall, munching on one as he went. He avoided the main hallway, going down a back way until he found a quiet corridor to think. That was what he had to do. Think. Think of a way to start a war and kill someone. He was no fool. He knew his mother and father and even Voldemort thought he couldn’t do this. But to do fair, all his bravado and arrogance only got him to a certain point. Now he just…
He didn’t know. He didn’t know anything. All he knew was that he had to be quick. And maybe make use of some old objects…
Suddenly, Draco felt a wet substance on his cheeks. He also realized he had been sniffling.
Great. Just what he needed. Stress and emotions.
He dropped to his knees and put his head between his legs and tried to remember the soothing words of his mother: “It’ll be over soon my dragon.” He tried to smile, but he felt nothing. Sometimes that was best anyway.
Draco was no stranger to pain. It had been his father’s preferred method of teaching. Draco shuddered and placed his head against the cold marble wall. He didn’t need this today. Today was supposed to be happy, fun, and a reunion before everything blew up. And yet… he couldn’t keep his mind off of what was going to happen. Draco looked down at his hands clenched around his knees and willed himself to stand up. But his legs weren’t functioning. Frustrated, he realized that his cheeks were getting wetter by the minute. There was nothing to do, so he sniffled and cried as quietly as possible.
That is, until he heard someone else coming.
He stopped and tried to be quiet, but he heard someone approaching and crying as well. He heard hoarse gasps and muffled sobs.
Seems he wasn’t the only one having a bad day.
He turned his head and tried to stop his sobs. He didn’t want to be seen as weak.
Suddenly, the footsteps became quieter and disappeared. He figured they must have turned around. Good.
If it was one of his friends, he’d tell them to piss off. He didn’t need this. He didn’t need this mission, this stress, this… everything.
He didn’t know what he’d do, but he knew one thing for a fact: If he failed… nightmares would seem like dreams compared to what Voldemort and his father had done so far.
He made his way past the cheers and shouts from the Great Hall and sulked to the dungeons. Draco was getting very good at sulking, and nonverbal communication. He knew his mom was worried, but he didn't know how to feel about his father being locked up. On the one hand, he was relieved his father couldn't hurt his mother, but he was... still his father. The man who had guided him through his life. While his methods may have seemed questionable, Draco was who he was today because of his father.
Draco ran a hand through his hair, and whispered the password to the door. It swung open and he stepped into the green and silver room. He had always loved the common room, but right now without his "friends" it felt empty. Draco only acted the part of big shot. And this year he was going to up his game. He was going to have to try harder. In his classes, with his "friends" and try harder with Potter. Draco scowled. He couldn't believe Potter was already snooping around.
It was going to be a long year. Draco collapsed onto his bed (his dad had sprung a private room for Draco, and he'd be damned if he had to share with some idiot.) and stared at his ceiling. How to do this? Of course, he could do something but... It would take a while... It would be better if he had someone on the inside, someone he could trust.
Draco grunted and rolled over onto his side. A real friend? If there was a God, then he clearly had it out for Draco. He had never met anyone who listened to him, actually cared or... anything. Not even Crabbe and Goyle could even count. They were pawns, not friends. Most of hid friends were pawns to be honest. They got him status and connections.
Yep. One helluva year awaited him.
And he didn't know how he would do this.

Chapter 2
Hermione sniffled and looked at the clock. 3 am. Perfect. She got up, pulled on her robe and trudged to the common room. Maybe some relaxation would calm her.
After crying almost all night, she was ready to forget yesterday ever happened. Lavender and Ron… Ron and Lavender… Well, as long as Ron was happy, she supposed she could be miserable and wait for him. Hermione sat on the chase and tried to relax… she groaned inwardly. She had forgotten her book and now she couldn’t study. Suddenly, the common room felt stifling. She needed to get out. Now. She hurried up her room, grabbed her wand and hurried down the steps to the portrait hole.
While she was opposed to all kinds of rule-breaking, Harry and Ron had taught her it was okay to break the rules every once in a while. Besides, as long as she avoided Filch and Mrs. Norris, she should be fine. She shuffled to the door and opened it. Thankfully, it didn’t creak.
She stepped out into the hallway and shivered. She clamped her mouth together to avoid her teeth from chattering and headed into the main hallway. Hermione didn’t know where she was going, but anywhere was better than being in that dormitory.
She carefully made her way down the hall, and suddenly she was at the library. She supposed she could do some late night reading…
Quietly, she picked a book from the regular section and used her wand to read. She was surprised to find she had picked up a book on potions, which she supposed would be useful tomorrow. Quietly, she sat in a chair near the back corner and began to read.
She didn’t even hear the door open. It was only when she heard a chair creak that she realized someone was in the room with her. She grabbed her wand and carefully crept among the shelves until… she found the last person she expected to be here. Malfoy. Reading, surprisingly. But the one thing that surprised Hermione more was that he had his head in his hands and his shoulders were shaking. She supposed it was time to leave. Hermione tried to turn around but she was surprised when Malfoy turned toward her.
“Sneaking around this late can result in demerits, you know.”
Hermione swallowed and replied, “Then why are you here?”
Malfoy raised one eyebrow. “I could ask you the same thing.”
“I needed some air,” Hermione said.
“Ah, so being the brains is exhausting huh?”
“I… huh?”
Hermione was surprised that Draco was acting… civil. He wasn’t calling her mudblood, for one thing. She supposed she could play along.
“So… uhmm…” Hermione stammered. She didn’t know what to say to Draco… She had never talked to him this long, and he… seemed like he was tired.
“What’s the matter Granger? Cat got your tongue?” Then he chuckled and turned around. She supposed the conversation was over. But Hermione was desperate for human interaction, even if it was with Harry’s sworn enemy.
“What book are you reading?”
Draco turned around, and his face was guarded.
“Why do you ask?”
“Well, you were being civil, and I figured I could play along.”
Draco smirked and said “Don’t get too comfortable. I’m just extremely tired and feeling nice. I can’t promise it’ll last.”
“Well, for the time being, I suppose we can be civil.”
Draco stared at her, and replied “I suppose so…”
Then he lifted the book and showed her.
Hermione gasped. “Hogwarts A History?”
“You surprised?”
“It’s just… no one I know has ever read that before…”
Draco again looked at her and said “Let’s be honest, you only know 2 people.”
Hermione opened her mouth to argue, but was taken aback. She supposed he was right, but she would never admit to him that. She instead glared at Draco, and he smirked. “I rest my case.”
He then turned around again and began reading.
“Umm…” Hermione said
Draco sighed loudly and turned around.
“Yes?”
“Do you… I mean… Do you think… I’m pretty?”
Draco stared at her. Hermione then grasped what she had asked.
“Wait, I didn't mean… it’s just…”
Draco held up a hand. “Let me guess. Weasley turned you down.”
Hermione gasped. Maybe he had seen her and Ron… or worse, overheard everything…
“How did you know?”
“Hmm… puffy eyes, you being here, checking out only one book, and…” He scrutinized her. Hermione blushed under the weight of his stare. “You look like crap.”
He then nodded, pleased with his analysis.
“You can’t just… I mean…”
Draco looked at her, waiting for her to finish.
“Is it that obvious?”
“To me, yes. But I’m naturally observant. And selfish. But if you splash cold water on your face, and maybe brush your hair in the morning… I doubt anyone will notice. Maybe some concealer if you have it... A little blush couldn't hurt either.”
“Okay…”
Hermione still wasn’t sure what to make of this whole exchange. Draco being civil? Not attacking her? What did he want…
“What do you want from me?” she demanded.
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“I said what I said. I want nothing.”
“Then why did you talk to me?”
Draco opened and closed his mouth.
“I suppose for the same reason you talked to me.”
“Which is?”
He looked at her with steely eyes. “I needed companionship. For now. Now I’m tired and going to bed.”
He stood up and looked her up and down. “Until tomorrow?”
She nodded and was taken aback.
He nodded and left the book. He slowly meandered his way to the door and quietly left.
Hermione stood near the table, speechless.
What had just happened?

Draco:

He had just gone to look up ways to get into Hogwarts. He didn’t expect… Granger. He supposed he shouldn’t have been surprised, as she always went to the library when things went wrong… But… why tonight? He hadn’t been able to do much over the summer, as it had been filled with court proceedings and avoiding the media… He shook his head. Now was not the time to mope. Now was the time to work.
He hurried to the dungeons and briefly glanced at the clock. 4 am. He had about 4 hours before class started. At least he had started to sleep until he jolted awake from his nightmare… What the Dark Lord would do if… If… He sighed. If he failed.
He wouldn’t dwell on that, however. Tomorrow was a new day, and a chance to regain some semblance of respect. He understood why his friends were slowly distancing themselves. He was… an outcast now. He supposed he needed human contact tonight, and Granger had been there. Suddenly, he stopped in his tracks. Granger? What had he been thinking!? Now she would go off and tell Potter he was snooping around in the library and then… And then he’d have to deal with him and big nose getting in the way of his business. He sighed. What he needed now was sleep. At least his reading had been somewhat helpful… The Room of Requirement… The old cabinet that was at Borgin and Burkes and… hopefully the cabinet was in there. No one ever threw things out here. Now he just had to find out where it was, hope Granger never suspected anything and then…
And then…
He didn’t know what to do with Granger. Even if she didn’t tell Potter, there was a chance she might show up tomorrow. Because Draco was desperate.
Desperate for a friend, a real friend, even if that friend was best friends with his sworn enemy. He quickly mumbled the password and hurried into the cold. With any luck, he could do more late night reading, (his sleep schedule was messed up as is) and if Granger showed up…
Everything had been taken from him.
What was one more thing to take?
Draco hurried into his room and shut the door. It was only then, lying in his bed, that Draco realized how very desperate he was.
He then fell into a restless sleep.