Chapter 5
After all these years of wonder, of patience, of grief and misery as I was forced to be his enemy, the time for it all to reach an end has finally came.
He looked at me. Truly looked at me. Not with a glance done in a rush, not with hatred in his eyes, not with tears of fear hiding in his stare. But with a smile on his face, with hesitatingly tenderness as he bit his lip while I was exposing my passion to him, he not once looked away, taking in each one of my features up from my wet hair down to my pale skin and fragile slim body. It was only a look, he was sitting down and my vision was a bit of a blur from the steam of a hot water I cleaned myself with. It felt intimate, every conversation now with him feels more and more intimate as each day spent only with him passes by
He knows I am in love with him, he made it clear, yet he acts as if I am not. As if what he read were just some misspelled words, at the same time he acts as if what he needs is only a bit of courage to admit something he is keeping hidden from me. A truth that I can not know at the moment. Or maybe that’s just what I want to believe
It’s weird, spending my first Christmas after the war with the boy I was always in love with, pretending we’ve always been friends and ignoring this tension that lights up every time we talk. Every time we confess something. Every time we accidentally get caught up in a brief eye contact
I feel like a fool believing all of this could lead to anything more. It’s already more than I could have ever dreamt of in the past. I will happily settle to be his friend
*****
Draco hates sleeping. Or he doesn’t necessarily hate sleeping, he just despises the fact that getting some time to rest comes along with dreaming, and it would be beautiful if dreaming wouldn’t mean nightmares
He wakes up with tears streaming on his face, the burning that’s coming from his Dark Mark killing
him from the inside out and he can not help but scream bloody murder while holding onto his wrist, falling onto both knees on the floor
They all come like a flash. Memories. From the war. From the night he saw Dumbledore fall. From when his own father kept Draco still as Voldemort himself printed the tattoo on his soft skin that wasn’t once cursed. From when he had so many times wished for it all to end. From when he tried to kill himself, tired of the pain in his heart
Draco can’t stop it, there is a voice far back onto the back of his head. Sounds like him, when he used to be an innocent child. And that voice it’s begging him to stop crying, yelling, Snap Out Of It. Realise there is no danger anymore
But he can’t. He simply can not stop
“Draco?!”
The desperate call of his name almost covers up his cries of help. Almost. And the door swings open in an instant, before Draco can even realise what’s happening someone is there, in front of him down on knees. Holding Draco’s arms with both hands
“Draco calm down!”
It takes him a moment to recognise the voice, trying to figure out who the person is helps him concentrate and stop crying in pain, tears are still streaming down his face and he is looking down at his Dark Mark, desperately feelings the need to scratch it off
“I can-can’t-I have to-I need-off”
He stutters, pulling with his nails at the Mark like a hungry wolf destroying it’s prey. Wanting it to disappear along with all that happened in the past, each bad memory to be gone
“Draco stop! Please stop!”
It’s Harry, he would recognise the voice in an instant. Even if it were muffled, the boy is yelling at Draco to snap out of the fear trance and come back to the real world. Where everything is normal and the evil is gone, but Draco has a hard time breathing. Harry reaches out and cups Draco's right hand in one palm, stopping the blond from injuring himself further without wanting to, while with the other he grabs Draco's cheek in order to make the boy look at him hesitantly, his body still shaking
“Draco look at me”
He does, through thick tears yet he does
“Voldemort is gone, you’re safe. Your Dark Mark is now nothing but a simple tattoo, it has no meaning it can’t hurt you. Not it, not your dad, not the Dark Lord. Nobody-please Draco calm down”
Draco shakes his head in disbelief, having a hard time understanding what’s happening. The fact that he is actually awake and Harry Potter is helping him cope with the effects of a horrible nightmare. His tears stopped streaming but he can still not breathe properly
This is a nightmare itself
“Copy my breaths” Harry whispers, he takes a deep breath in then exhales through his mouth, repeating the move at least three times before Draco can actually copy him
He doesn't take his eyes off Harry as he tries to breathe easily and regain his composure, feel like a normal human again and not one traumatized by memories. And when he finally manages to realize what's happening Draco frowns, he looks at the brunette boy confused
“Harry?” He rasps out shakily, his mouth afraid to wonder more “What are you doing here wha-“
“I couldn’t sleep so I wanted to go grab something to eat when I heard you screaming from the common room” The boy explains, followed by a sigh “I thought you were in danger”
“It was just a nightmare” Draco can’t help but shudder remembering what he was dreaming of
“I figured” Harry murmurs “Do you have them often?”
Draco looks up with hesitation, he knows that he has nothing to hide from Harry anymore at this point, but it's embarrassing. The position they are in now it’s not only that, it’s also intimidating. Lying on the cold floor while the blond boy is still shivering and the scarheaded here is half asleep with his curious eyes which are now not hidden behind a pair of glasses as usually
They’re both half naked, all that Draco is wearing is a pair of gray pants leaving his chest exposed, as well as Harry who is only wearing some long and baggy black pants. But compared to Harry, Draco is thin and pale, his abdomen is covered in scars and he certainly does not have sculpted abs compared to Potter who looks admirably healthy. Only a few cuts here and there which, although they seem to be small, probably hurt like hell
Nonetheless he looks beautiful and Draco can’t bring himself to think that about his own person, he doesn’t want Harry to see him like this. This vulnerable. He feels exposed both physically and mentally, it’s draining him even worse
“Draco?”
“What?” He doesn’t mean to come off as rude, he just forgot what Harry asked him
“I was just asking if you have nightmares often. You don’t need to answer if you don’t want to it’s alright”
“No no I was just-thinking about something” He shrugs covering his stomach with both hands “I do have them pretty often but they’re not always this bad. Most of the tome I just wake up crying or sweating, not like this. It rarely happens to fall out of bed or act…you know like I did earlier”
“I see” Harry mumbles with a nod “I have them too you know? I am not judging”
“You do?” Draco frowns, even tho it seems pretty normal after all that Harry has been through to dream like this as well
He sits down fully in front of the Slytherin boy, the moonlight gleams throughout the window falling right above his skin and face. Makes each one of his features, from his green eyes down to his fidgeting fingers, stand out. And Draco inhales sharply trying not to stare, or blush like a teenage girl seeing her crush face to face
“I’ve been having them since our fifth year. When Voldemort first got into my head in the words true meaning. Then six year was just as bad, and next one. It’s just lately that I’ve been getting better but I do still have them…Sometimes I dream that he is still alive”
“Who?”
“Voldemort”
“Oh” Draco doesn’t know what to say, so he says the first thing that comes to mind “Me too”
“Really?”
“Yes. I usually dream that he is still alive and tortures me because I betrayed him. Or he tortures my mom and makes me watch it. Watch it until he kills her and I can’t do anything. It feels so real at times that I can not close an eye for days after”
“But you do know that he is dead right?” Harry questions “Hell your wand killed him Malfoy, he is dead. He can’t hurt you or your mom or anybody else. He is gone and this time it’s for good”
Draco shudders at the hear of that
“It sounds really nice when you say it like that ,your wand killed him Malfoy” He intimates Harry’s poor accent then laughs briefly along with Harry who rolls his eyes
“Well it’s true it did. But I was the one who killed him” Harry points out with a smug shake of his head “I am the saviour of it all” He tries to do a rough voice making them both chuckle
“So why couldn’t you sleep Potter?” Draco asks shivering a little from sitting on the floor
“I usually always stay up before Christmas morning”
“Why?”
“Well either to wrap people’s presents because I am too lazy to do it in the days before, or because I want to be the one who wakes up everyone. Things like this, it became a habit in the last years while I stayed with the Weasleys”
“But you’re not there now” Draco whispers, more for himself “You regret staying here?”
It’s a stupid question, one that Draco would have never asked, but feeling that Harry regrets staying here hits him harder than a thousand bricks falling on him all at once. He is aware that he is not as good as a friend for Harry as Ron or Hermione but he’s been acting decent, he’s been nothing but nice and kind. It actually makes him a little angry, to think that scar head boy believes he is not a good enough person being around
“No no I don’t regret it Jeez” Harry shakes his head “Being there would have been weird with all that has happened, not to mention awkward because of the whole Ginny situation, plus you’re not as bad of a person to be around as I thought” He smirk when he finishes talking
“Well what can I say? Not so bad yourself Potter” Draco laughs a bit after saying that
“Come on let’s go” Harry jumps up to his feet
“What go where? It’s like five in the morning or something it must be bloody freezing outside where do you think you’re going?”
Draco’s concerned and suddenly high tone makes Harry smile
“None of us is gonna get any sleep anymore let’s be honest, we may as well do something. And I am going to get some hot chocolate and eat cookies, can join me anytime Malfoy. If you want to”
As if Draco would say no. Especially when Harry leaves the room with that glorious smirk on his face that makes the Slytherin boy tremble a little on the inside
They walk silently towards the kitchen, there is no other soul in between the walls of Hogwarts at the moment. Although that is pretty clear when remembering that it’s Christmas and almost everyone is home, not to mention the fact that it’s still dark outside, probably five or six in the morning and no one would have any reason to be up
Except two boys who can’t sleep
When they reach the kitchen, Harry mumbles a few little spells under his breath and two mugs fly right onto his hands
“Wandless magic?” Draco asks “When did you learn that?”
“I have been practicing it since sixth year” Harry replies, he yawns while grabbing the milk and mixing it with chocolate “I only got better at it this summer but it’s still quite difficult, although it’s really useful in times when I am to lazy to reach for my wand-or you know..lift my hands”
“That’s funny” Draco grins “The one and only Harry Potter, the chosen one, the youngest most powerful wizard, the teenager who defeated the one and only Dark Lord…”
“Where are you going with this Malfoy?”
“..learning wandless magic because he is a lazy ass”
“Shut up and eat a cookie you blondie”
Draco’s heart flutters at the nickname, he ignores Harry and reaches out for the plate of cookies that the Gryffindor boy magically made appear on the table and eats it slowly
He can see with the corner of his eye that Harry is looking at him intensely, mostly at Draco’s chest and hands, easily allowing his stare to travel down to Draco’s slim legs, but it doesn’t linger there for long because it quickly snaps back to the boy’s chest. Harry the bites his bottom lip as if restraining himself from saying something stupid
“Spit it out Potter”
Harry’s eyes find Draco’s grey ones right after, he clears his throat then gets up from his chair, walks slowly towards Draco who is still sitting down curiously waiting for the question. He looks up at the brunette boy who is suddenly close. Way too close. Draco is taken aback
“The scars…” Harry points out at the shapes on Draco’s chest “Your scars. Do they hurt?”
Well that is definitely what Draco wasn’t expecting. He doesn’t know what actually he was expecting for that matter
“Sometimes” He looks down at them “I mean they healed, the wound is not open, Snape pretty much took care of that. But they do still hurt, especially when I have nightmares of…” He hesitates to say it, Harry nods understandably
“Of the day it happened. That’s when they hurt the most, it’s more like a mentally pain tho. Like they hurt but when I stop thinking about it or forget they’re there the pain..”
“The pain disappears” Harry completes the sentence for him
He looks up from his chest to see that Harry took a step ahead, their bodies now closer than before. He lifts up his hand as if he wants to reach out and touch the blonde’s boy skin, instead he inhales sharply and backs off immediately
“You can touch them if you want to” Draco murmurs, he regrets the words the exact moment they come out of his mouth but it’s too late to take them back
“What?”
“You want to touch them Potter. You can, you are the artist after all” He says it with a smile, Harry on the other hand is anything but smiling so. There’s sorrow in his eyes, a quiver on his mouth
“I-are you sure?”
“Scared Potter?”
Draco spits out, meaning to come out as mean but the words are just eager and daring. They cast a fire in Harry’s eyes, not even thinking anymore he lifts up his fingers caressing the scars gently, with carefulness almost like he is trying to not break them
Like Draco’s skin is made of glass, and Harry’s fingers are the diamond meant to tore it into pieces
The slytherin boy gasps taken back by the coldness and he sighs deeply relaxing onto the touch of it, looking up at Harry through his lashes finding the boy carefully analysing each one of his movements. Trying not to make any mistake that would hurt Draco, he bites his bottom lip once again and Draco is not able to look away
They are so close, their faces only a few inches apart. Skin on skin. Tension flying in the air
“They’re…” Harry whispers, he glances at Draco’s eyes for a brief second then dropping it back down he gulps. Completely forgetting what he was about to say
“They’re ugly Potter I know, but you asked to touch them so it-“
“Shut up” Harry rasps out pressing on a certain cut with force, Draco looks up surprised by the sudden rough voice spoken to him
“They’re beautiful it’s what I wanted to say”
Potter starts breathing heavily, his green eyes never leave Draco’s grey ones. That widen in surprise
“Oh..” He exhales, suddenly every touch becomes ten times more intense “That’s-they’re not don’t lie to me Potter. I see myself in the mirror everyday, they’re red and hideous, you don’t need to say they’re beautiful to make me feel better about it. I don’t need your pity, you out of all people should know how is to have scars that you desperately want at times to completely disappear”
Harry’s touch feels like magic that lights up stars on Draco’s body, a brush that's painting colors onto a blank paper that's corrupted by life, a lighting that starts a fire that can't be stopped by anyone or anything. It builds up an obsession for it that's spreading all over as if his world is about to end soon and these touches are the only one to pull Draco from a tragic end
His bottom lip trembles a little, all he can do is shiver as the sensation of Harry’s finger becomes a lot to handle, he feels like his breath has been sucked out of him leaving him sigh and close his eyes for a moment
“Yes. Me, out of all people I know how that feels like that’s why I am telling you that they are beautiful, and I am not lying. They are part of you, they prove how strong you are, how you managed to survive a deadly curse, how someone was there to save you breaking in pieces the wish of the one who wanted to hurt you. Our scars cary the same history. That’s why me out of all people have the right to say they are. And mean it”
Draco stares at Harry not knowing what to say, his throat is dry, heart pounding rapidly confused yet somehow absorbed by a new tingly sensation, he is sweating crazily, eliminating a certain sweet smell in the air beyond the thousands of sparks flying in between them
“You’re blushing” Harry smirks, snapping Draco from his trance “You are a full body blusher Malfoy, even your chest is red”
“Wha-“ He looks down at his chest only to see how red it actually is
And boy does Draco look like he’s been bathing in bloody paint
“Shut it Potter” He scoffs “You’re the one who was just praising me, go back to that. Liked you more when you were being nice”
“Malfoy likes to be praised” Harry winks “Noted”
“What-?” Draco blinks twice confuse, feeling himself blush further “That’s not what I meant scarhead”
“That doesn’t make it not true blondie”
Draco frowns rolling his eyes, pretending to hate that nickname. However the smile on his lips probably betrays him
Harry looks behind him, at the windows, his eyes widen for second so Draco looks back as well not knowing what is it that shocked Harry. But it’s just the fact that it’s starting to light outside. Not quite yet tho, the darkness is still dominating
One of Draco’s strands of hair falls on his face the moment he turns around, Harry is quick to put it back behind his ear. Causing Draco to bite the inside of his cheek
“It’s christmas morning” Harry states, as if it were an unknown fact, not something obvious “I got you a present Malfoy”
Draco does not know how to reply to that, it's like his head empties suddenly, he is left staring at Harry in shock
“You what?”
Harry smirks, he reaches out to Draco’s sweatpants pocket and steals the boy’s wand
“Hey that’s mine!”
“It’s not the first time it answers to me” The brunette boy winks, Draco can not bring himself to understand where this sudden confidence came from but he is not sure he minds it either
“Accio present?” He swirls the wand twice in the air, after which a box comes flying in the air right onto Harry’s hand
It’s not small nor big either, only a little larger than a ring box and wrapped in a velvety black fabric with a sliver pattern drawn on top of it. It seems to be soft at touch and light weighted but at the same time it looks like it carries a really precious object
Draco stares at it, refusing to reach out and take it from Harry who hands it to him
“I can’t-“ He whispers “I didn’t get you anything. I didn’t know-you should have told me you’re getting me something Potter”
“Well I didn’t actually take it” Harry scratches the back of his head “I made it. Last night. Magic is a lot more helpful and fun than some may think”
“What?” Draco gasps “That’s why you weren’t sleeping? Cause you were making me a present?”
“Oh don’t flatter yourself Malfoy. I told you the reasons because of which I couldn’t sleep earlier, your present was just a way to keep myself entertained. So now just take it and shut up”
Draco shakes his head a little, he looks up and down from the box to Harry’s gentle yet demanding stare and with slight hesitation he grabs the box onto his hands
He admires the beautiful drawing of a crystal on top of it for a few seconds while caressing the soft material with his fingers before he decides to open it
A frown appears on his face, inside there’s a necklace with a black chain that has in the middle a black metal formed in the shape of a snake which looks specifically done extravagant enough to take your breath away, it’s little yet it catches the attention of the eyes immediately because it shines bright. Like a diamond. The snake’s eyes are made of stones, or glass, it’s not diamond or crystal but it can easily appear as it if you’re not an expert in precious stones like Draco Malfoy. Nonetheless it’s so elegant, pure, delicate.
He reaches out to touch it with the bottom of his fingers, afraid he might break it. He drops it back in an instant when it’s eyes turn into a bright shade of red that blinds Draco
“They change colour” Harry chuckles “Depending on the emotion you’re feeling, the eyes of the snake change colour. Under the tiny pillow the necklace rests on you have a paper where it’s written what colour represents what feelings”
Draco stares at Harry breathlessly, his hearts beating at such a fast peace he can feel it in each one of his veins, can hear it in his ears, pumping in his blood, he’s overwhelmed by the feeling
It’s the most beautiful and thoughtful present someone has ever gifted to him
He lifts up the pillow and grabs the paper with ease, placing the box on his thigh carefully. And he begins to read
Green-Happiness, Joy, Amusement
Blue- Sorrow, Sadness, Heartache
White-Fear, Anxiety, Worry
Purple-Satisfaction, Delight, Pleasure
Gold- Anger, Fury, Rage
Silver- Lust, Desire, Craving
Red-Love, Affection, Passion
Draco’s eyes start to feel swollen, threatened by happy dangerous tears. He puts the paper away replacing it again with the necklace, admires it wholly
“I got the idea two days ago when you showed me your jewellery collection. Do you like it?” Harry asks, he sounds unsure and Draco is afraid to speak, to answer
Because he knows for sure his voice is only gonna come out as a tremble, so instead he just nods unable to part his lips
“Here-let me” Harry mumbles, he takes the necklace from Draco’s shaky hands and with attentive movements.
He leans in brining their faces closer, not even an inch between them. Their chests touching. And he does not break eye contact as he wraps the boy’s neck with the delicate black metal “There you go”
Then Draco does something he never thought himself capable of doing. He gives in to the urge and leans in to kiss the lips he’s been dying to feel against his. For far too long has he been longing this feeling to stop himself now.
Harry’s lips are luscious, tender and sensual just like Draco imagined, invaded by a sweet taste that leads the blonde boy to feel dizzy, his mind is blank, eyes are closed, his body is shaking,all he can focus on is the pleasure that's engulfing his senses
"Draco..." Harry moves away to say, his eyes are widened by something that seems to be either hatred or passion
“Fuck-“ Draco realises what he just did “Fuck I am sorry I-..”
“Draco shut up and kiss me again”
Before he has any time to think of a response, or even breathe, Harry lifts both his hands to cup Draco’s fragile face in between them and pushes the blonde boy along with his chair against the kitchen table with force. Guiding their lips into a mess of eagerness and passion. Dancing roughly
Harry’s lips move needy and desperate as well his hands search for more,hands travel down to touch Draco all over his neck, chest, waist. He shudders at the feeling of Harry’s skin on his under the circumstances of such an intimate moment. They moan into the kiss,moan so loud the floor trembles and both men's skin sparkles up with goosebumps
Their tongues are battling, lips quivering, necks vibrating.It's hot. It’s hard to believe this is real
Draco finds himself wondering if this is all just a dream. A very beautiful dream
“It’s no dream-“ Harry pulls from the kiss breathlessly “Trust me Draco if this is how my dreams actually looked like I would bless myself with a sleeping curse and never wake up”
“You-“ Draco is taken aback by that, he is still feeling dizzy from the kiss, his brain is in a fog “Did you just read my mind?”
“Really?” Harry laughs out loud clearly amused “After what just happened that’s the first thing you’re going to ask me?If I read your mind?”
“That’s..” Draco mumbles, he smiles like a child right after “Yes alright that’s fair enough”
“You know for someone who writes poems in a notebook as if they’ve been reading romance novels for living you have quite a simple vocabulary in real life. Come on Malfoy I expect something more from you”
“Oh you silly Gryffindor don’t even dare to make fun of me-“ Draco bites his bottom lip “After the way you just kissed me I believe you have your own notebook where you’re secretly describing your undying love for me”
Harry’s blush is the only thing Draco needs to laugh loudly, the sound echoing in the whole room
“You’re evil blondie”
Draco’s heart starts to beat again, he can feel the blush making it's way back to his face the moment he hears Harry call him that nickname, the third time today
“I am a Slytherin. It’s my job to be evil”
“Your job is to kiss me”
He smiles widely as his breath hitches in his throat, Draco can't feel anything now other than how overwhelmed he is with affection at this moment
And with Harry’s lips on his he wonders if this is the beginning of something he’s always wanted. If this will last as long as he wants it to. However, knowing he never wants it to end,that seems highly unbelievable