Fight or Flight
The only thing that made Regulus feel understood were books. He could read every page of the five muggle books he had and every and each one made him feel emotions that no human could. He felt such understanding that he could die and still be happy. He was reading “The picture of Dorian Gray” and it was raining outside. He liked rain. It also made made him feel understood, of course not the way the pages with words did but it still counted. He liked to watch the rain drops race down his circle window and bet on which one will be the ultimate winner. He also liked to count the seconds between the lightning and the roaring sound of thunder. There was always this thought in the back of his had that it would be nice if five seconds became milliseconds and the lightning was right there beside him. It would also be nice if it burned the house. But he would ask nicely for himself to be left there in his chair reading. Wouldn’t mind rain still falling for the ambiance effect. But it was nice. This moment where he was understood and at the same time understanding. It still didn’t fill the void Sirius left but right now he was the closest he has been to being okay.
The scars from yesterday had started to heal. He put some random cream that he found in the medicine drawer on them and cleaned them up. He hopes he will be able to wear his white shirt to the family dinner next week because he really isn’t sure if the material is too thin so the scars will show if they don’t leave in time. Yesterday the first letter came. He got into Gryffindor. Of course he did, there is no one more brave and courageous than Sirius Orion Black. At least he thought so. Mother and father were mad. Actually they were furious. He doesn’t remember the last time he saw that gray fire in his mother’s eyes and the quiver of his father’s eyebrow. Actually he does but that is not really important right now. His letter was burned. The news of his house sorting came first and very soon after their owl came with one for him. He had to watch it burn and become dust. He couldn’t have taken it anymore and just an hour later he finished up in his bedroom on the floor with a sharp knife. Know he was feeling a bit better. Regulus did that sometimes. For him it meant less thoughts, less really really bad thoughts. The one that say it was his fault, that he could have stopped them, the one that say he could have for once stood up for himself. But even the cutting remind him he is just a little boy so it’s not his fault really. But the letter, it was his. Sirius wrote to him after just a few days. Well they kind of felt like weeks but still. He wrote and he needed those words of love, probably the only he got in this house. Now they were gone and Sirius didn’t even know and know he had to wait again. Sirius also got a Howler. A really bad one. He hopes there will be someone to help him cope. I mean Cissa was there. But there is a possibility that Bellatrix won’t let her to him because now the whole family sees Sirius as a disappointment and disgrace to the “Noble House of Black”. He is actually proud of him. I think everybody knew deep down. That Sirius would never ever be a Slytherin. He was just too pure for it, not mean enough, not evil enough. Not that Narcissa was evil. Of course she isn’t. She is there because she is ambitious and she is there because she chose to survive. Narcissa Black just chose to survive and to keep on going and he will always be proud of her for it.
He wrote to Sirius. Because he was worried. There was not a word from him after the last letter. Well the letter Regulus never really read but still. He told him he was so sorry he couldn’t read it because he missed his brother so much and he was so so alone. He also told him about how now he has to survive this family gathering all alone which is really funny because it’s true. Also that he thinks that if he sends him a letter again mother won’t burn it because when she did the last one it was just out of anger so he hopes he will hear from him soon. He also wrote to Narcissa because he wanted to make sure she was also doing okay. Narcissa Black is so extraordinary he could just watch her for hours doing anything and just be in awe. It doesn’t matter if it’s her painting a family portrait or playing quidditch. She is actually an excellent chaser. He wishes to play like her one day. Well probably not in the position of a chaser, maybe seeker, but still. When he saw her in the sky on the broom every ounce of him wanted to be up there with her. He hopes she will teach him one day.
The scars did heal in time. There were still white lines he could trace in the sunlight, but he could wear the shirt he wanted to dinner which was nice. He honestly didn’t know who was going to be there. I mean of course his parents and his uncle Cygnus and aunt Druella. He really didn’t know how from those two cruel people came out Andromeda and Narcissa, well Bellatrix kind of made sense but still. Well also Sirius and him were there so maybe kids didn’t really need good parents to turn out well. But he still isn’t sure if he did tho.
The whole house was in black and green. Well actually that is not so unusual because there is really not to many other colors. But now there was just more snake like decorations. Not relating to the decorations, because those were so out of style, Regulus really liked snakes. Yes, they were the symbol of their family and the Slytherin house which kind of made him not that excited, but still they were so interesting. You never really knew what would they do and what would happen with them. They also changed skin which people would call their clothes. He did get it. They at some point started feeling uncomfortable and different in their own skin and they just wanted to get it off. Regulus sometimes wished he could get out of his skin.
The door bell rang and as soon as he heard the voice coming from the door he ran down the stairs like he never has. At the door besides his parents, a tall, long limbed man was standing and talking with them. He had this cold stone expression that matched the one his father also wore most of the time. Also there were those green eyes that sometimes depending on the light could become kind of bluish. And just because they ran in the family he could recognize them anywhere pretty easily. Well that was Bartemius Crouch, one very old, mean and annoying man that was no different than his whole family. And just behind him was standing the reason why he got all excited. The boy was a bit taller than Regulus himself and like his father he looked like if just a bit of wind blew he would fall apart. He had that dusty brown hair that even when he tried to put in place still looked like you just messed it up. He also had these very sharp features, but not like Regulus’ or Sirius’. While the one’s the Black family had looked like they were cut with a knife, the boy’s looked like they started looking like that just to compliment him. Of course, just like his father, he had the eyes that if they wanted could cut trough you just with one look. But on the other side his also had this little spark in them, a very similar one he saw is Sirius’ when he was getting ready for trouble. But the worst thing about the boy was that damn grin. He always had it on him no matter what. It never looked like it meant any good but it always made Regulus feel fine. Like just if the boy kept smiling and the dimples he had because of it kept being there, there was a chance Regulus and the boy would survive. At the door was standing Bartemius Crouch Jr. himself. Well for Regulus it was just Barty. Barty, Barty, Barty. That was the bestest friend Regulus ever had. Well also Barty is the only boy that wasn’t made into playing with Regulus just because of his family’s status, which also made Barty Regulus’ only true friend. Those two have known each other for years, really just because of these family dinners, but they really didn’t start getting along then. When Sirius and Regulus met Barty , Sirius thought the boy was trouble and meant no good. Well he wasn’t really wrong on that part but Regulus as a kid never stopped thinking about what was happening behind that grin and those eyes. Because Sirius didn’t really like him, Regulus chose he wouldn’t really get close to him so he wouldn’t disappoint his brother. And at moment he didn’t really think he would need anybody else when he has Sirius. But also one thing about Barty that should be known, when he sets a task for himself he will never give up until he finishes it. And the one he had set was to befriend Regulus. At the start it wasn’t really much. Their parents would often make them spend time together which because the brothers didn’t really want to, they would spend in silence. But there was not one of those times Barty didn’t make an attempt to make Regulus laugh. It would go from silly faces to stupid jokes and then crazy stories. And as much the boy tried to keep his serious expression, there was no chance he would keep it for that whole time. And every time he broke Barty took it as a win, and Sirius would also be a bit disappointed. Regulus would then get mad at Barty because he hated when Sirius was mad at him. But with time he broke more and more and at one point he stopped trying to resist the giggles. That was around last year. At that point Sirius just started going to his room so the two boys spent time nonstop talking and playing. There was not one topic they haven’t gone over and discussed. But also then Regulus found out what was hiding behind the eyes and the grin. If Sirius and him were pained trough out their childhood, he didn’t even know how Barty survived. He always goes back to the nights Barty would tap on his window and come into his room so Regulus would help him with his scars. That is one thing all three boys had in common, scars. Barty’s and Sirius’ were similar and Regulus also sometimes got those when he misbehaved. Regulus also got some others but only Barty knew of them. He really didn’t want to worry Sirius with it because he was already worried enough. So between Barty and him was always there this big amount of trust. But it was earned and that was what was so beautiful about it.
Barty hugged him tight, so much that Regulus had to laugh so he would make his lungs a bit less filled with air so his friend wouldn’t practically break his ribs. Or maybe it was just an excuse to laugh because of the relief of seeing his friend. Or maybe it was both.
‘Well Black, you haven’t changed a bit since I saw you.’ Barty said still having that stupid grin on.
‘Crouch, I think that staying the same in the last three weeks is really not that hard’
‘Wait, it has been that long?’
‘Well considering three weeks a long time is a bit childish of you Bartemius, don’t you think?’ Said Regulus sarcastically. Both of them were already chuckling to the point where Regulus had to restrain himself for a moment so he wouldn’t choke. That was the thing between those two. Regulus brought out the chaos out of Barty, and Barty brought out the laughter. And the best part was that it was so simple.
The dinner was boring as always. Besides the Crouches, only a few more wealthy pureblood families came, just without their kids. Which in some cases made the two boys lucky. There were of course the Malfoys because how could they ever skip a dinner with their future in laws. He even hated thinking about that. Then also there were the Mulcibers. Ugh, those annoying people. Thank god they didn’t bring their idiot son because he was at Hogwarts. He was Sirius’ business now.
The adults talked about politics as alway and of course his father led the conversation. To Regulus it was all bullshit so he and Barty sneaked up to his room.
‘They are so fucking boring!’ Barty said while basically ruining the whole bed Regulus made that took him twenty minutes. If it wasn’t Barty he would have killed the person in there in seconds.
‘I know they are but at least we can be here.’ Regulus responded while trying to sit besides Barty who would not bloody let him.
‘Barty.’
‘Sorry Mister Regulus Arcturus Black, I didn’t mean to be mean.’ He laughed while actually making some space besides him so Regulus could sit.
‘So how is your annoying brother?’
‘First of all he is not annoying. And second of all, I honestly don’t know.’ Regulus said while a weird knot was forming in his stomach. No you know Sirius is okay, he has to be, said Regulus to himself.
‘Well couldn’t have not heard he is a boring Gryffindor, which of course means trouble and loss of reputation to your family so the possibility of him basically not having friends, well at least good ones, is very possible.’ Barty pointed out.
‘Well fuck you Barty, because I know for a fact Sirius will be one of the best there, and also how do you think you are helping, because when you are in trouble, in crisis, I would break every bloody rule just so I could help you. But you, you selfish moron, cannot even see I’m not well!’ Regulus was so angry he could cry. That doesn’t really make sense but it was true. But the problem was he then felt his lower lip trembling, and he started trying to make his vision a bit less blurry. But it was too late. The tears were falling and he could not stop them even if he tried. He hated being like this in front of Barty but he kinda needed it. But then he was held by his best friend. Barty usually gives him these tight and strong hugs in which Regulus can’t breathe. But this was different. Know Barty held him like he was made out of glass that would shatter if you let him go but also if you squeezed him too hard. And they just stayed there. Regulus’ breathing started going back to normal, his heart beat going steady. He already felt his face being puffy tomorrow but he didn’t really mind. Barty whispered to him nice words like that Sirius is going to be okay. That also helped especially coming from him.
‘Bartemius, it’s time to go!’ Both of the boys heard the deep voice Regulus recognized at the door.
‘Do you really?’
‘I do.’ Barty replied who was also visibly annoyed.
‘Promise you’ll come soon.’
‘I promise.’ And as he said that Barty said his goodbyes and climbed out of the bed. And just like that Regulus had to watch his only hope go. And it was so pathetic and sad. It’s funny because it’s true.