my train could take you home
The train to Hogwarts didn’t feel the same this year. Normally, Mary sat with Marlene and Lily, gossiping about their summers as if they hadn’t sent letters every other day. But this year, it was just Mary and Lily. Mary had never had an issue with Marlene spending time with Dorcas before, in fact she had pushed them together a lot last year, knowing that neither of them would admit to their feelings without some encouragement.
This year, however, she wished Marlene was with her and Lily. Mary was happy for Marlene. Really, she was. It’s just that… Well, she felt like she needed all the support she could get after her recent breakup, and Marlene choosing her girlfriend over her just felt like salt in the wound.
Even still, Mary was eternally grateful for the support of Lily, both over the phone right after it happened and now in their train carriage. Tucked up under Lily’s arm, Mary was struggling to find the right words. She didn’t know how to tell Lily the true reason she had broken up with Matt, especially because she had worked so hard to seem confident and sure of herself. The truth was that it was all a mask, but she wasn’t ready to admit that, even to Lily.
“Mary, you know you can tell me anything. I promise I’m not going to judge you,” Lily prompted, rubbing a soothing hand up and down Mary’s arm.
Lily’s company was always an immense comfort to Mary. She had a way of, somehow, just knowing things. She always knew exactly what Mary needed to hear, exactly how to approach a conversation, she just knew. Her words were the logical side of Mary’s brain sometimes, explaining to her what she herself was too afraid to admit.
“I know, I just don’t know how to say it.” Mary started, taking a deep breath and preparing to say the words she had been holding in for so long. “I guess.. I mean.. I just didn’t feel like I was good enough for him?”
“How so?” Lily questioned, cocking her head to the side slightly. Mary couldn’t help but find her reminiscent of a cat at that moment.
Mary sighed as she attempted to articulate her thoughts.
“Like, I don’t know what I did to deserve him. It’s hard to explain, but I felt like I wasn’t good enough for someone as good as him. He was, and is, wonderful, Lily.” Mary stumbled over her words as she attempted to explain.
“So are you, Mary. You are one of the most wonderful people I know, that I have ever known. You deserve every kindness, including the kindness from him.” Lily responded softly.
Mary pulled away to turn and face her, finally meeting her eyes. Somehow, the eye contact made everything feel more real. The reality of it all is exactly what Mary feared.
“You’re just saying that because it’s what you think I need to hear. There’s so much wrong in my brain. I don’t even feel like I deserve to have you all as my friends sometimes.”
“Mary I..”
“Lily I know what you’re going to say, and I appreciate it, but I just can’t stop the thoughts that keep coming and coming telling me that I’m not worthy of love. Of anyone’s love.”
Admitting it stung a little more than Mary thought it would. Those ideas had been reserved for her alone up until that moment, for her thoughts late at night as near oceans pricked at her eyes. Saying it out loud, once again, made things more real. She feared thoughts rather often. She feared what her brain could conjure, what it could convince her to believe. It made her feel weak. At that moment, she feared Lily’s thoughts.
“We can’t always control our thoughts, if anything, I know that better than anyone. What we can do is listen to those around us. You are so full of love, Mary. We’ve all witnessed it firsthand. You deserve the love that you give out, everyone does. You are no different, and I’ll remind you of that whenever you need me to.” Lily’s voice was warm, it always was. Mary felt the words hit her chest and that is where they remained, spreading the warmth of Lily Evans and her kindness throughout her.
“Thank you, Lils, I love you.” Mary snuggled back into Lily’s embrace, and they stayed like that, just sitting in silence.
The silence shared between them was the furthest thing from awkward. It was the most comfortable Mary had felt for weeks. Lily’s arm around her shoulder, rubbing her hands along it was incredibly soothing. She could smell the lavender perfume that Lily wore nearly every day, could feel the ends of Lily’s hair tickling her cheek lightly. Being around her reminded Mary of why she considered Hogwarts her true home, the one place she could seek comfort and find it instantly.
Eventually, however, Lily had to leave for a prefect meeting and the front of the train. Instead of sitting there by herself for the rest of the journey, wallowing in self-pity, Mary forced herself to get up and find the rest of her friends.
As she made her way towards the back of the train where the boys usually sat, Mary passed the carriage Marlene had gone to. She couldn’t see their faces, but it looked like Dorcas had fallen asleep in Marlene’s lap, whose fingers were buried deep in her hair.
Mary felt a mixture of feelings. On the one hand, she was really happy for both Marlene and Dorcas, but her own recent heartbreak stained those happy feelings with jealousy and pain. Her feelings became even more confusing when the girl sitting across from them noticed Mary and smiled at her. Confused, Mary didn’t return the sentiment, walking away so she didn’t have to see the happy couple or their happy friend.
The frizzy white hair seemed familiar, and Mary realised that the girl who had smiled must have been Pandora, Dorcas’ dorm mate and a close friend of Regulus’. She had just come to this conclusion when she heard the oh-so-familiar laughter of James Potter.
Following the sound, Mary found the carriage containing James, Sirius, Peter and Regulus. She sent a silent thanks to Merlin that Regulus was not one for PDA and slid onto the seat next to Sirius, who bumped her shoulder with his by way of a greeting. She flashed him a small smile, hoping it didn’t look as forced as it felt, before turning to observe the rest of the carriage.
Opposite her sat James and Regulus, Regulus with his back against the window, his legs pulled to his chest with James on the other side of the seat. On the floor, Peter sat cross-legged, his focus on James’ words, and he appeared to be entirely enraptured.
She tried to follow their conversation, catching some of what seemed like a very long list of ways to utilise Remus’ new position as a prefect in their many planned pranks this year.
Noticing her glazed-over expression, Regulus kicked his boyfriend to interrupt his ranting. As if noticing her for the first time, James looked at Mary in confusion.
“Mary? You ok?” He asked, looking concerned. “You’re being very quiet.”
James’ statement seemed to catch the attention of the remaining two, and suddenly Mary felt like a small animal who had been noticed by a number of predators.
“What’s wrong with me being quiet?” Mary responded, James’ words reminding her of the conversation she had with Matt, not quite ready to share her recent revelations with everyone just yet.
“You’re joking right?” Sirius retorted, turning to look at her incredulously, his eyes wide.
“Yeah, Mary, you’re never quiet.” Peter added, his voice a mix of teasing and concern.
“Maybe you’ve just never shut up long enough to notice,” Mary retorted, cocking her head to the side and giving Peter a sly smile, showing him that she didn’t mean that maliciously.
Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Regulus trying – and failing – to hide a snort of laughter behind his hand as the rest of the boys in the compartment burst into laughter.
Peter was laughing, too, as he held his hands up in a mock surrender. “Okay, okay. Point taken, Macdonald.”
Mary laughed with the rest of them, none of the boys noticing the dim light in her eyes and the forced lines on her face, framing her smile. They continued on in this way until the train pulled to a stop at the station, Mary gradually feeling some of the tension in her shoulders relax as she settled into the familiar routine of being with her friends.