come as you are

2

James doesn’t have a favourite part about Hogwarts.

He loves all it.

He loves the buzzing Great Hall during meals, and he loves the bizarreness of transfiguration.

He loves the chaos him and Sirius are able to cause in potions class.

He loves the feeling of being alive when he’s flying in a Quidditch game, or simply chasing the wind on his broom during practice. 

He loves waking up in the morning in the Gryffindor dorm room with his three best friends in the beds around him, and later spending the evenings with all of them laying limb to limb chatting about upcoming prank ideas or things that happened in classes and at parties. He loves listening to Sirius sing in the shower, taking more time than humanly acceptable to get ready everyday, or watch Peter painfully drag himself out of bed every morning and needing Remus have to repeatedly wake him up when he dozes back to sleep every five minutes.

He loves listening to Marlene and Peter bicker over breakfast, or watch Sirius practically melt into Remus’ side while they eat their first meal of the day, sometimes out of the same bowl when Sirius decides he wants Remus’ food instead of his own. He loves listening to Lily and Remus discuss the things in class they learnt the day before while Sirius either stares at Remus while he talks like the stars are shining out of Moony’s eyes or pulling faces and mouthing 'nerds' to James across the table at their two friends.

This morning is the same as always. James has always been a morning person, unless he stayed up all night planning pranks with Sirius. James likes to rise with the sun to get the maximum possible hours of the day. James' early-bird attitude is something that Sirius took a while getting used to, both in the dorm together since they were 11 and then after when he moved in last summer.

James admires how far Sirius has come since last year. He'll will never forget the fear he felt when the floo roared that Friday summer evening and moments later, a beaten, bloody and battered Sirius flopped onto his lounge floor. James thought that horrific memories are meant to be a blur, but he remembers that evening clearly.

He remembers screaming for his mum and dad as he collapsed on the carpet beside his friend. He remembers Sirius not responding to him, being as limp as a rag doll as James shook him desperately and frantically. He remembers crying, his chest being so impossibly tight it was like it was permanently crushed. He remembers crying out and shouting that there was so much blood, that Sirius’ face was unrecognisable beneath the swelling and the smear of red pouring from a gash at his hairline. He remembers his mother and father crashing into the room, instantly rolling Sirius over, wands out and vanishing the increasingly darkening robes from Sirius' body. His father had to practically drag James back to the sofa, telling him to stay back while he ran to grab his mothers healing supplies. He was crying so hard, so confused and so scared because Sirius looked dead on the floor, because he wasn't moving and he was bleeding everywhere James looked. He remembers his mother cupping his face, her huge eyes watery but steady as she told him that Sirius was going to be fine, that she was going to fix him up and everything was going to be okay.

James remembers holding Sirius’ cold, limp-curled hand the whole time his mother practically stitched back the skin on Sirius’ chest and limbs, his father tilting Sirius’ head and coaxing potions gently down his throat.

He remembers after, when they’d moved Sirius into the bedroom upstairs, pale and ghostly, wrapped in white bandages. His mother sat in the room with him, stroking his hair calmly while James waited and waited for Sirius to wake up.

When Sirius did, James had gone from hysterical, to shocked, to angry throughout the night. When Sirius admitted it was from his mother, that she’d finally snapped and caused all the damage, James was ready to march into the House of Black and kill her himself.

Then, Sirius asked where Regulus was, and James had the crushing realisation that he’d forgotten his best friends younger brother.

Sirius looked even more broken when his mother admitted that no one followed him through the floo.

That day was the first time James heard of the man called Alphard Black.

Two days later, when Sirius was still in bed waiting for the lashes on his chest and legs to be healed, Alphard arrived. James was relieved to hear that Sirius was going to be staying with them as long as the Potter’s and Sirius wanted so, and that Regulus was now safe at his own house, and most importantly: Walburga and Orion couldn’t touch them again.

The hardest part after the whole incident, was watching Sirius pretend like nothing happened. The moment he was well enough to be out of bed, he was fine. He was more than fine, actually. He was loud, brash, excitable. He was like a puppy let off his lead for the first time. James was worried during that time, as the surprise and happiness that Sirius was okay quickly wore off to anticipation as Sirius was too okay.

Sirius’ breakdown was inevitable. It was horrible, and shattering, and having to watch his best friend crash and burn and fall apart was just was hard as watching him fall through the floo bloody and bruised that night. It was essential for healing, as his mother assured them when she kindly comforted them both through it, but it was still hard. James was just grateful it happened before they went back to Hogwarts, because he needed his parents to assure them both that it was all going to be okay, that it wasn’t too good to be true and that it was time for Sirius to properly heal from the horrific stuff his parents put him through.

It was touch and go for a while back at Hogwarts, and Sirius still has moments where he seems to be balancing on the edge of a complete drop and crash. He has bad days still, where all he wants and can manage is to curl up in bed and sleep off the emotions battering relentlessly inside his head. James, Peter and Remus help though, and Sirius promised them that just laying with him, grounding him by just touching his shoulder, or letting him bury his face in their chest helps more than any distraction could.

James normally takes the cuddling duty, then Remus follows it with reading one of his books to make sure the room isn’t too silent, and Peter finishes it off when Sirius feels more human with a shot of fire whiskey for them all and a bullet-point plan for their next prank.

They get through it, like they always do.

That’s why James loves his friends.

That’s also why James is determined to make their last year at Hogwarts the best year yet.

They’re the Marauders, after all.

It’s only right that they go out with a bang.

Right?

James has plenty of plans, plenty of ideas how to leave their final mark on the Hogwarts legendary list, but he appreciates it’s only the fourth day of term, so he’s decided to not bombard his friends over breakfast just yet.

First things first, as always, is the beginning of the year Gryffindor party to get supplied and ready for Saturday.

James is broken out of his thoughts when a sharp smack jolts him. The back of his head blooms will dull pain, and he jerks upright.

"Are you coming to class, dreamer boy?" Marlene asks.

Shaking off the surprise, James grins at her.

"Come on, Prongs," Sirius winks, standing up. "Transfiguration first. Need to keep Minnie entertained for an hour and a half."

"You know she will give you a detention if you keep calling her that," Lily says adds, and James rolls his eyes playfully. 

Sirius shrugs, "Only because she wants to spend more time with us. We’re her favourites, you can’t deny it."

"More like the bane of her existence," Mary scoffs. "Poor woman can’t wait until you four graduate."

"Hey!" Remus says as he puts his bag over his shoulder, his other hand motioning between him and Peter, then pointing that James and Sirius. "Don’t drag me and Peter into this. It’s these two that she can’t stand."

"Moony!" James gasps, clutching his chest. "How could you?"

"Try and deny it, Potter," Remus smirks. "Come on. Get your ass up."

As they make their way out of the hall, James trails a few steps in front with Peter while Sirius and Marlene get in a loud discussion behind them about what colour they're going to paint their nails for the weekend so they're matching - a tradition the two of them started back when they were 'dating' during third year and have carried on since. 

"Prongs," Sirius says suddenly, and Jamss looks over his shoulder, "can you do me a favour and tell Moony a stupid story or something?"

James frowns. "Uh, why?"

"I just want to see him roll his eyes at someone else for a change," Sirius pouts.

Ironically, Remus rolls his eyes instantly, but a moment later he’s smiling fondly. Sirius jumps to the side suddenly, yelping and wide eyes snapping up to Remus.

"You pinched my arse!" He cries.

"Because you sound like a brat," Remus replies.

"Moony!"

"Will you two stop?" Mary groans. "It’s too early for this lovey-dovey shit!"

"Try sleeping in the same room as them," Peter grumbles. James grins at Sirius’ squark and Remus’ glare, throwing his arm around the shortest marauder.

"Don’t worry, Pete," James laughs, "We’ve been suffering with it for years. We can handle one more."

"I don’t know what was worse," Peter whines. "The sexual tension before they both realised they were gay and loved each other, or the gooey shit they do now they actually are together?"

"Definitely the sexual tension," James confirmes with a nod.

"I agree!" Lily adds. "I had to spend two years listening to Remus whine about how Sirius wouldn’t get the hint that Remus was putting down. It’s definitely less painful now they’ve both realised."

"Are you all done?" Remus asks tiredly.

"We’ll stop when you two stop eye-fucking 24 hours of the day," Marlene grumbles.

"We can get ear plugs to drown them out then," Sirius grins.

"I think it’s us who needs the ear plugs," Peter mumbles.

Entering the classroom, James is convinced Sirius is about to go explode to his and Remus’ defence when he stops short, so sudden that Remus has to rapidly side step him as to not barrel into his back.

"Reg?" Sirius asks.

James slows to a stop in surprise, as does everyone else it seems. Regulus almost falls in his clear haste to get off the table that he’s half sitting on, eyes wide and staring at the people who have just entered.

"Sirius," the Ravenclaw nods after a moment, eyes shifting from each of them so fast James almost misses it.

"You okay?" Sirius asks, frowning, also clearly confused as to why Regulus is in here before class talking to the professor.

"Yes," Regulus nods, his cheeks suddenly glowing red. It’s a stark contrast against his almost unhealthily pale skin. "Just talking to Professor McGonagall."

Regulus seems frozen, as if someone has stunned him and he’s locked in place. He looks like a bunny caught in headlights, wide eyed in a way that reminds James of what he’s sure he looked like when he was a child and got caught in the act of misbehaving.

Regulus’ eyes meet James’, and it strikes the Gryffindor suddenly how large and pale they are. James never noticed before, and realises that on someone else, they could be considered too large. They seem to suit Regulus’ face, or maybe it’s the dark eyebrows above them and the sharp curve of his cheekbones below them, or the sweeping slope of his nose—

Sirius’ jaw twitches, as if about to speak again, when Regulus suddenly jolts into action.

"Excuse me," Regulus says, practically scurrying out the door and disappearing into the corridor in a manner that reminds James of Peter scurrying away in his rat form.

James’ eyes seem frozen on the door he disappeared out of, unfocused and accidentally staring at the rest of the students coming in.

"Is everything alright?" Sirius is asking McGonagall.

"Yes, Mr Black," she replies. "Please have a seat."

"What was that about?" Sirius asks as he’s sitting down.

"That is none of your concern, Mr Black. If Regulus wishes to share it, he can do so himself," she replies, and then seems to soften, "Though I can assure you it is nothing to worry about. It was about his class work. Nothing to distract you over from your own class work."

"You sitting down, mate?" Peter asks as he walks past James, gently nudging his side as he goes.

"Oh," James stammers. "Yes. Yeah."

James zones out as Peter starts to ramble on about the party this weekend. He misses when class starts and McGonagall naturally commences them into a focused silence.

There are moments, that James is ashamed to admit, that he has forgotten about Regulus Black. The boy who is so quiet, who came to Hogwarts practically a celebrity because of his surname but managed to subtly hide himself enough to become a mystery to any and all. The boy, who at the tiny age of 11, silenced the whole Great Hall when he was sorted into Ravenclaw instead of Slytherin.

Sirius has always said that Regulus was shy, but James didn’t quite realise it until the younger boy started Hogwarts a year after them. Regulus seemed to disappear amongst the students, never standing out or making his mark. James doesn't understand how someone managed to fall so drastically through the net, to become such a fleeting face. Regulus has practically become a ghost among the student body, but Sirius has never given any indication that he's worried.

Sirius cares about Regulus, so James knows Sirius' nonchalance is nothing to do with his lack of worry for his brother. James remembers how ecstatic Sirius was when Regulus was sorted into Ravenclaw. That night after Regulus' sorting, Sirius had gone and found him and was gone for hours. When he came back, his eyes are bloodshot but he was smiling, saying he'd managed to convince his little brother that his sorting was for the best, not a death sentence.

James doesn't like the prospect that Regulus is alone. James doesn't think he's seen Regulus ever hang out with people at his house table at meal times, or heard stories about Ravenclaw shenanigans that Regulus was involved with. He hasn't seen the younger boy go to Hogsmeade with anyone, or seen him walking the halls with anyone but an occasional blonde girl.

James worries that Regulus is lonely, despite Sirius saying he's fine. Sirius would know, and James shouldn't argue that. Sirius has done well at making sure him and Regulus kept contact, kept a good relationship despite their different houses and clear different interests.

James has always wondered why Regulus has never interacted with the rest of the Marauders.

Did he not like them?

Did he hate them all?

Did he not feel welcome enough?

Sirius' assurance that Regulus was just a little unsociable bookworm has kept James' mind at bay for years, but thinking now, and after seeing everything Sirius had to go through at home, and more importantly, how much he needed his friends to help him get through it, James wonders who was there for Regulus?

Who held Regulus' hand when he had a nightmare?

Who hugged him when he cried about his shit parents?

Who told him he deserved better than he was given?

Who helped him?

* 

James is tispy.

He wishes he could say that he's drunk, but he had to lay off the drinks in the last half hour to look after Mary and Peter. Remus is babysitting Sirius, making sure their friend doesn't fall off the table he's planted himself to dance on, so James has accidentally designated himself to keep an eye on Peter and Mary.

James is having fun, he can't deny that. The party has been a success so far, if the glitter he’s covered in and the pink heart-shaped sunglasses on his face from Mary are anything to go by. Him and Peter did well stocking up with fire whiskey, and Lily and Remus brought their bottles of vodka from their muggle homes back from summer, so pretty much everyone in the room is seeing double at the moment.

James is currently lounged on the sofa, long limbs stretched out and feet hanging over the arm of the furniture, watching Peter and Mary try and fail to play a game of twister. He’s on designated spinner duty, and is rather enjoying watching the two of them become a mess of tangled limbs.

"Mary, left hand on green," he says.

Mary makes an indignant squark sound. "James, really? How am I meant to do that?"

"Stop whining about it and get on with it," Peter whines. "If I stay like this much longer my arms are going to break."

"Calm down, Peter, you’re literally only doing the plank," Mary grumbles, stretching her left arm below her body and smacking it down on the green. She looks like a twisted pretzel now, half folded underneath Peter.

"I am a big boy, McDonald!" Peter shouts. "The plank is hard, I have lots of weight to hold up!"

"You better keep holding it up, Pettigrew, because if you go down then you’re landing on top of me!"

James chuckles. "Wormtail, right foot on red."

"Prongs!" Peter whines pitifully, voice strained from having to hold himself horizontal for so long. With a grunt, he shunts his right foot from yellow across to red.

James barely manages to stifle a laugh at his two friends.

"James. . ." Mary says, lifting her head and blowing the hair out of her eyes. She glares at him, "Are you doing this on purpose?"

James throws his head back and laughs loudly. He’s managed to get them practically laying on top of each other.

"I stopped spinning like eight rounds ago," he admits between wheezes. "I can’t believe you didn’t notice!"

"Potter!" Mary screams, straightening up and accidently smacking the back of her head onto Peters chin. Peter grunts in surprise, left arm slipping and suddenly both of them are falling face first into the mat. "Peter! Get off!"

"Wait— Mary, stop!" Peter cries as Mary starts shoving at him. "You’re elbow is in my ribs— ah! M-Mary—!"

James laughs so hard he has a pain in his ribs and tears in his eyes.

"I’m going to kill you, Potter!" Mary hisses as she climbs off the mat, Peter left laying and panting from the excursion of the game and also Mary practically fighting him off.

James barely manages to roll off the sofa in time to miss Mary jumping on him, but she does manage to snag his hair in her fingers and give it a decent tug before he can get away.

"Ow! Mary! Stop it!" He cries in between laughs and winces. She tugs as if she’s trying to properly de-scalp him.

"McDonald! Get off my Prongs!"

Mary doesn’t even have a chance to properly let go before Sirius comes over and practically tackles them both to the floor, all three of them landing on Peter.

"Who won?" Sirius asks as he lays on top of the pile.

"Neither of them," James grins up at him, blowing Sirius’ hair out of his face.

"James cheated," Peter wheezes below them all.

"The spinner can’t cheat!" James defends.

"You weren’t spinning!" Mary argues. "You purposely chose places to make it look like we were in a sex position!"

Sirius laughs above him. "Nice one, Prongs."

"Thanks, mate."

"I need another drink," Mary grumbles, and instantly, they all roll off. Mary swipes the bottle off the coffee table that's been pushed to the side and takes a greedy gulp of neat firewhiskey. They pass it around, Remus settling on the sofa where James laid before and Sirius barely giving him a moment to get comfy before he practically sprawls on top of him. James settles back, sharing the bottle between himself and Peter.

James suddenly spots Marlene, Lily and Dorcas in the corner, sitting by the window as Marlene and Dorcas are smoking. James is surprised for a moment by Marlene smoking, but then he spots someone else sitting between Lily and Dorcas.

He recognises her, and quickly realises it’s the blonde girl he’s seen hanging around with Regulus sometimes.

He nudges Peter, who rolls his head to look at him.

"Who’s that with Lily and Marls?" He asks.

Peter looks. "Dorcas? You know Dorcas, the Slytherin who’s basically become a honorary Gryffindor because Marlene wants to—"

"No, not Dorcas," James interrupts. "The other blonde girl."

"Oh!" Peter nods. "Yeah, that’s Pandora. She’s a Rosier, but she’s well nice. I smoked weed with her a couple of times last year, 'cause she’s Hufflepuff and them lot always manage to get the good stuff. Don’t worry about her though, she can’t be any further and more different from her twat of a brother."

James hums. He knows plenty about Evan Rosier: a nasty seventh year Slytherin piece of work that seems to only find joy in hurting kids in younger years. James has hated him since they started school. He always hangs around with Crouches son, Snape and other primarily violent Slytherins.

The name Pandora Rosier starts to ring a bell. James remembers now that he’s seen her at prefect meetings, and Lily has spoken highly of her a number of times. She seems to be the kind of person no one has a bad thing to say about.

And she’s the only person James has ever seen hang out with Regulus.

Regulus has been on James’ mind since seeing him in McGonagall’s classroom. If Sirius found out what that was about, he didn’t share it with the group. Not that Sirius ever does, as his best friend has kept almost all of Regulus’ business unless it was life and death their parents between the Black brothers.

James wonders if Pandora will be willing to talk. She clearly knows Regulus very well, and she’ll know if he’s truly okay.

Maybe she was the person who took care of him when he was dealing with Walburga and Orion.

James gets up, managing to slip away unnoticed from the sofas and crosses the room.

Lily is the first to spot him as he approaches.

"James!" She smiles.

"Not coming over here to scold us for smoking, are you, Potter?" Marlene smirks.

"Not unless you don’t give me one," James replies, sitting down next to Lily.

"You smoke?" Dorcas asks, a bushy, dark eyebrow raised, but hands over the pack none the less.

"I’m best friends with Remus and Sirius," James replies. "They’ve both been smoking like chimneys since fourth year. Are you really that surprised?"

Marlene laughs. "Looks like it’s just Pettigrew to corrupt."

"Don’t do that," Lily chides disapprovingly. "Leave Peter alone. The poor boy is the only sensible one left in the group."

"Brave of you to assume anyone in that group of four is sensible," Marlene mutters into her cup.

James smirks at the eye rolls, and smiles brightly when spots Pandora looking at him.

"Hi, I’m James Potter," he grins, holding out the hand that isn’t cradling his cigarette.

"Pandora," she smiles, shaking his hand. "No need for introductions, as I don’t think there is a person in this school that doesn’t know who you are."

"Why thank you," James smirks, taking a drag of his cigarette. Its true what he said: he has smoked numerous times before. Sirius and Remus have smoked when they drink for years, and James was drunk enough in fifth year to try it.

"It’s not a compliment, Potter," Dorcas says, but James’ grin doesn’t falter.

After a while, Dorcas and Marlene end up disappearing up to the girls dorms. Soon after that, Lily announces she’s going to make sure Mary is alright and get them all some more drinks. When she goes, James notices that Pandora doesn’t follow. She doesn’t seem even the slightest bit uncomfortable left by the window without the girls, instead just continues to smoke and drink the rest of her cup.

"So," James starts. "Do you enjoy Quidditch?"

"It’s not one of my interests, I’m afraid," she smiles. "I don’t mind watching it, but I can’t really keep up with the rules. The whole game seems ridiculous to me."

"Oh. Just supporting your house at the games then?"

"That and a friend of mine enjoys watching the games," she replies. "I normally sit with him so he can explain what’s happening as it’s going on."

"Friend?" James asks.

Pandora raises an eyebrow. "Surprised I have friends, Mr Potter?"

James eyes widen in shock.

"No! I mean— yes, wait— no! No as no it’s not a surprise. I— of course you have friends. I didn’t mean—"

Pandora’s soft laugh cuts him off. "I’m playing with you. I knew what you meant. What friend of mine is it that has you so intrigued?"

James’ throat seems to go dry at that. Suddenly, he’s unsure if he should ask. Regulus is so private, so secretive. If he wasn’t a Black, James is sure no one would even recognise the name Regulus.

James just can’t remember the last time someone said the name out loud.

James wants to know why.

"Regulus."

Pandora’s eyes widen slightly. "Regulus? Black?"

"Do you know another Regulus?"

The slightly startled expression drops from her face, her eyes go from wide to slightly narrowed. She looks suspicious, watching James as if she’s calculating something. "Why do you want to know about Regulus?"

"Well, I—" he stammers, shrugging stiffly. He’s not enjoying the sudden feeling of interrogation. "I just want to make sure he’s okay."

Pandora stares at him. Her eyes fleet across his face, darting in micro movements. James feels like he’s being analysed, and refrains from the urge to squirm under her hard, stoney gaze.

Was that really the wrong thing to ask?

"Regulus is fine," she replies eventually, voice friendly but also even. She relaxes back, and only then does James notice the subtle tension in her shoulders that bleeds out as subtly as it came. "I’m sure he’d be flattered to hear you wanted to know."

James blinks. "Really?"

"Merlin no!" She laughs, shaking her head. "I won’t be telling Regulus. I’m pretty sure it would give him a heart attack."

James frowns at that.

"Why?"

"Regulus just likes to keep to himself," Pandora shrugs, stubbing out her dead cigarette. "It’s very sweet that you asked though. I think you might be the first person who has approached me simply to ask about him."

"What—" James shakes his head. He doesn’t want her to think that the only reason why he came over was to talk to her about him. It’s true, but he doesn’t want her to know that. "No, I—"

"You’re easier to read than first year textbooks, James," she smiles, not seeming at all repulsed by knowing James’ intentions. "It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s kind of lovely, actually. There’s not many people in the world who are as open as you."

"I don’t think that’s a good thing," James admits. He can feel his cheeks burning.

Merlin, this is going horribly.

"It’s a special value," she reasons. "It’s probably why people are so comfortable around you. There’s no feign, there’s no motives. You’re kind to people because you want to be, and people can see that just by the expression you wear."

"Oh. Thank you?"

"You’re welcome," she nods. Then, she starts to get up, straightening out her dress. "If you’ll excuse me, I should be heading back. It was lovely to speak to you."

"Right. Yeah," he replies, flashing her a smile as she walks off. "You too!"

Slumping against the wall, James can’t tell if that was a success or a failure. It confirmed that Pandora knows Regulus, but James pretty much already knew that. She assured him that Regulus is okay, but that’s not everything James wants to know.

He wants to know Regulus.

He wants to know the dark haired boy with fair skin and cheekbones sharp enough to cut glass.

He wants to know what the mysterious Regulus Black does in his free time.

He wants to know how someone can come to Hogwarts with people know his name without meeting him, and managing to disappear amongst the students without a trace.

James wants to know Regulus more than just as the shy, little brother of Sirius.

He wants to know who Regulus really is.

— tbc.