Belle
The wind feels like knives against my exposed hands, so I blow hot air on them and fold them under my arms while we walk briskly through an exposed hallway. I thought about grabbing a cloak before I left the dorm this morning but my lingering nightmares had caused my usually cautious mind to become lazy. I hadn’t expected to be ambushed by Remus’s kind doppelganger and spend the entire day in a secret room joking and laughing and… being distracted. We’re heading toward the hill that hides a small area between a stream and the Forbidden Forest; the place where I will meet my mother for the second time.
The panic is rising in my chest, like it did last time. Except this time, I feel like throwing up. I realize that none of my friends ever knew my parents, minus James but how much does he remember anyways? No one important to me now ever got to know my father’s laughter or passion for music; likewise, my mother’s gentle hands that braided ribbons in my hair and soft supportive smiles were lost to tragedy. I had long ago accepted that I would never get to introduce friends or partners to either of my parents. This is the first time my past and future are colliding, whether or not it's my own choice. I would never tell him but I’m pretty grateful to Remus for being the first to notice my behavior, to force himself along. While it’s exactly what I need to overcome this fear, I’m still trembling because I can’t tell if it's going to blow up in my face or not. Knowing my luck, it will either be disastrous or underwhelming.
I’m broken out of my thoughts when a warm soft fabric is draped around my shoulders and a clasp clicks around my neck. I turn to protest but Remus is draping another cloak over his shoulders and promptly disappears into thin air. I gape at the empty space he used to occupy and his disembodied voice says,
“Hang onto that for me?” It’s phrased as a question but I can hear the amusement in his voice as he takes in my baffled expression. I wait for the tell-tale sign of a cheaply made invisibility cloak and queue up a snarky comment about how an invisibility potion would’ve been a better choice but the swirling, shimmery pattern doesn’t appear.
I’m thoroughly shocked when I say, “Where on Earth did you get this? This is prime!”
He laughs and flicks the hood off exposing his floating head and I burst into laughter as I circle him. He’s chuckling along and says,
“It’s James’. I’m surprised that you don’t know about it. Apparently this was passed down from his great-great grandfather.”
I roll my eyes. I’m gonna kill James for keeping this a secret from me.
Remus flicks his hood back up just before we crest the top of the hill and I school my expression and silently thank Merlin for his foresight. My mother is already waiting at the bench and my heart jumps. I jog my way down to the bench and pause about ten feet away. From the top of the hill, I couldn’t read her features but upon closer scrutiny, a chill ran down my spine. Her face is pinched, her eyebrows furrowed, and I get the feeling that she is upset with me. I can feel my good mood deflate into concern as I approach her slight frame.
“Mum?” I say cautiously, reaching for her folded hands placed gingerly in her lap. She flinches and turns to face me at the same time. Her eyes are wild and inked with fear? I pull my hands back as we gaze at each other and I watch as she slowly returns to her body, her eyes softening.
She sighs and blinks at me, “You’re late.”
I start to laugh, the smile dancing on my lips before I realize that she is being genuine. I drop my head and murmur a shameful apology. I’m not sure what time it is but I have been quite preoccupied today. How could I be late to meet my own mother? She is clearly disappointed that I have wasted our time for the evening and I have. She must think I don’t miss her terribly, that I’m indifferent to her return. I reach for my wand as the chill in the air feels even colder under her disappointment. I reach for my wand and cast a warming charm. Then I take a seat beside her whilst holding the wand between us to warm the both of us.
Her hands reach out to the emanating heat, then one of them drops to my wrist and squeezes.
“I forgive you,” she says, “You are so talented, my baby.”
I instantly warm and finally raise my head. She smiles softly and strokes my hair.
“So beautiful, you look just like me when I was your age,” she coos at me. I reach into my– Remus’ – cloak and pull out my gift to her. A small crystal orb nestled atop a woven golden stand.
“Merry Christmas, Mum,” I place the orb, still clasped in my hands, in front of her and the orb fills with golden confetti swirling for a moment before revealing a memory of us from my point of view walking hand in tiny-hand through a supermarket. Then to a scene of us sitting in front of a mirror as she brushes and braids ribbons into my hair and I brush the hair of a small doll. It fades into a picnic in the field behind our home with Dad where they laugh and lean into each other while they watch me.
I place the orb in her hands and watch as the orb finds one of her memories: a sparkling picture of my father at the end of an isle flanked by pews. Stained glass shines behind him and he is smiling wide at us through the orb. The picture changes to a scene in the forest and as I wait for the object of the memory to appear when my mother shrieks and drops the orb to the frozen grass.
I startle and try to catch the orb in vain. Upon looking at her I see tears in her eyes and realize that my gift has not been as smart as I originally thought.
“No, no, no– Mum, I’m sorry. It’s just– I thought you might like something to help you remember us. It’s made with magic and accesses memories,” I explain frantically. “You just need to think of a person or a place and the orb presents the strongest memories. I made it for you to remember me and–”
I trail off; the implication that she would want to remember my dad hanging in the air between us. She sniffles loudly and nods in understanding. I produce a small cloth to wrap it in and place it back in her hands. She tucks it away and as she bends slightly, I catch the image of a man approaching us. He’s tall with a thin face. He’s wearing a fur lined cloak that conceals most of his body but he walks with purpose towards us. I reach for my wand and start to stand up but my mom yanks me back to the bench. Confusion and fear chills me to the bone as my spine straightens and my fist closes around my wand.
My eyes stay trained on the stranger while I fight the instinct to look around for Remus. This shouldn’t be a scary situation, I’m with my mom. But my mom is a muggle and I’m just a student. My brain flashes through the articles in the Daily Prophet about missing people. I know that I should take my mother and run but I feel frozen and just before he reaches us my mother’s hand rubs the back of my hair and says,
“It’s okay, baby. There’s someone I want you to meet.”
Now I really wish Remus was here because all I can hear are his earlier words, Your mother is hiding something.
So, with my free hand empty, I decide to squeeze my mother’s hand tightly and hope to every god in the sky that she would never hurt me. Knowingly.
He kneels in front of my mother and speaks with a thick Scottish accent, “My love, are you alright?”
My mum leans forward to touch her forehead and says, “I am now.”
My grip slackens as I process the intimate nature of this apparent relationship that my mum is involved in. Then I realize that he’s been watching us. Was he here the last time as well?
I cleared my throat, “Uhhh– who exactly are you?”
My mother turns her watery eyes toward me but the man keeps his eyes on her. He looks at her with such intensity that it scares me a bit. I can't understand how my parents gazed at each other but my Aunt and Uncle do not look at eachother like this, it's too much like ownership.
The thought of my mother with anyone who isn’t my father, is too much for my overwhelmed mind and I blurt out, “Is he the one who kept you away for so long?”
I pull away as they both whirl their bodies at me. We all stare at each other for a moment before the man speaks up,
“I’m the reason she’s still alive.” I don’t know if he’s trying to sound intimidating but his thick accent and gruff tone of voice put me on edge.
“Mum?” I ask back; mustering all the courage I don’t feel right now to look her in the eyes. I want to run away, I want to go back to the floating candles and cups of tea from earlier today but I’m frozen in limbo.
“This is Exan, he’s my–” Mum trails off and her gaze catches his.
“Lover?” Exan finishes with a disturbing waggle of his eyebrows. Then Mum giggles. I just stare at them, mouth gaping, while my heart breaks.
“Oh baby,” my mother coos, “Please don’t overreact. This was bound to happen. Your father has been gone for years and I deserve to be happy. You want me to be happy, right?”
I stare at my mom clutching the hand of a man who is not my father. Pain, confusion, and anger swirls in my chest and I let out a long breath. Whatever life I had before was not coming back, even though my mum has found me again. So who am I to condemn her to misery, or a life without this ‘Exan’.
“Of course I want you to be happy,” I say, trying to mask the defeat in my voice. It doesn’t matter because mum doesn’t hear it. She wipes at her eyes and leans on Exan to stand up and embrace me.
“We’re so excited to have you back this summer. You know Exan has been especially supportive of you coming to stay with us. We’ve made you a room and everything,” She squeezes my shoulders as she drops this bomb on me. The shock must be clear as day on my face because Exan approaches and peels my mother off of me.
“If you want that,” Exan adds to the invitation but his voice is still gruff. Maybe he just sounds like that. I peek at him and he’s looking at me with an expression that unsettles me to my core.
“Of course she wants to stay with us,” my mother interjects. I stare at my feet; this is too much to think about right now.
“She’ll think about it and give us an answer next time,” Exan asserts. “We need to head back.”
This grabs my attention. Exan has stolen my visit and my eyes beg my mother not to leave just yet but she embraces me again,
“Happy Christmas, baby. We will see you so soon.”
I watch as they leave hand in hand, taking my peace with them. The storm of decisions that I have to make buzzes in my mind and I plop back down on the bench. The bench creaks under another body and Remus’ scent invades my senses.
He doesn’t say anything and I’m so grateful for that. So we sat there for a while; my stormy brain settles to a drizzle and eventually Remus pulls off the cloak. He looks puzzled as if trying to piece something together but I’m too emotionally exhausted to ask. He stands up and offers me his hand. I accept it and we walk hand in hand toward the castle.
When we reach the entrance to the castle we stop and Remus turns his scrunched expression to me,
“You have got to think carefully about that. I can’t put my finger on it but that man looks familiar but not in a good way. I’m alright keeping this between us for now but only for as long as you’re willing to be smart.”
The insinuation that I’m weak and vulnerable rubs me the wrong way, “I’m not stupid. You’ll keep it a secret for as long as I want you to. Otherwise I’ll stop bringing you.”
It’s a genuine threat but because Remus has been hard to shake since the first meeting, it rings slightly hollow. Remus rolls his eyes, holds the door open and catches my hand in his again. His calloused hand grounds me as we walk back to the common room in comfortable silence.