James
[Closure]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Participation
Hello, We are Closure,
You are chosen out of thousands of participants to join our vlog for the next segment, "Greatest Love." We will be asking you questions about your 'greatest love.' Please be prepared. Thank you for joining us!
See you, James.
***
James smiled at the person preparing the camera. He knows the reason why he's here, he mistakenly filled up a form that he thought was a survey form–he likes answering surveys, it helps the people who made it–but he doesn't know why he didn't back out after knowing the real purpose of the form he answered.
Fuck you, Marls.
Since the email said 'greatest love,' James knows what the upcoming questions are about.
Regulus.
James doesn't know if he's just a masochist, but he's happy to be able to talk about him without someone looking at him in pity.
Because even after all these years, the fact that he's hopelessly In love with Regulus still stands.
It's not that he didn't get angry with him after their breakup, In fact, he was super angry. But his anger calmed down after two years.
It's been two years.
He's not like the brothers who hold grudges like their life depends on it.
The emotions that he only feels after thinking about Regulus is pain, longing.
And so much love.
It's not like he didn't try to move on either, he tried.
He downloaded dating apps, he visited bars, he accepted blind dates, he tried everything. But nothing worked.
So he's here, in an interview, about his ex. The ex he hasn't seen in two years. The ex he's still hopelessly in love with.
"Are you ready?"
Am I?
"Yep–yes." He said, his heart is beating so loud he can feel it. ''Yes, I'm ready."
"Okay, we're in…"
He's ready to talk about him.
"3…"
He's ready to share their love story with the world.
"2…"
He's ready to say his name without anyone looking at him in pity.
"1…"
He's ready to remember.
Two years. It's been two years since he can openly talk about him.
He can do this.
He smiled at the camera.
***
"Please introduce yourself."
James smiled wider at the camera.
"Hello! I'm James! I'm 24 years old, and I'm here? Yeah, I'm here," he chuckled nervously.
"Hello James, are you nervous?"
"Yeah, a bit." He rested his palm at the back of his neck, "but I'm mostly excited!"
"You know, most of our guests are never excited."
"Well, you can say I'm special then?" He jokingly winked at the camera.
"Okay James, we'll be asking you questions about our current segment, greatest love."
"Okay!"
"What do you think is the meaning of 'greatest love'?"
Regulus.
"Woah–we're already 'Sirius' I see," he chuckled at his not noticeable joke. "But for me, It depends, I guess."
He looked up and thought about what Regulus means to him. "But, I do think it's a kind of love that doesn't ask for more–like it's okay to let go of the person because it's what they want, you know?"
"Hmmm like a kind of love that doesn't seek for the greatest things in the world." He smiled. "The most genuine kind, they might hurt each other but will continue to love each other nonetheless. A love that lasts long and hurts longer, but also a love worth fighting for and being in it makes my–their life feel complete. I do think not everyone can experience it, but to those who have or had, they won THE trophy," he continues to ramble gesturing a trophy at the end.
"Did you already meet your Greatest Love?"
"Yes, but I don't think he considers me as his greatest love." He said, bitterly. Okay, so maybe some anger is still there.
"How did you find out that they're your great love? And any advice on how the audience can?"
"The stars told me," he said looking up as if he could see the stars inside the studio. "As for the second question, you just know if it's them. Like ZING and then you realize, oh shit it's them, wow–like your gonna be sitting with your friends, looking at them while they're talking about how stupid sunfishes are with someone else, and a shooting star will hit you in the head and tell you, 'LOOK AT HIM IDIOT! THAT'S HIM!' and then you'll know."
"Okay... What's the name of your greatest love?"
"Regulus." He said, smiling. "Regulus Arcturus Black."
He can finally say it, his name.
"When and where did you first meet?"
He looked at the camera and chuckled, remembering their first meeting.
"We officially met at my best friend's 20th birthday party, he's my best friend's little brother," he chuckled. "Sirius–his brother, always mentioned him yet that was the first time we met." He shakes his head, "He completely ignored me all night until he finally gave in, he claimed that he hated me in our first meeting."
"While I'm pretty sure I was already in love."
***
James is in love.
He's completely gone.
He remembers Regulus' glare.
Yep, completely gone.
"Why do you look like you just discovered how to turn yourself into a stag?" Remus asked him after he saw his dopey smile.
"This is better!" He shakes Remus' shoulders. "I'm in love Remus!"
"Oh no."
"Oh no? What? This is good!" He's now jumping excitedly.
"Oh no."
"Stop saying that!"
Remus sighed looking at him. "Fine. Who's the unlucky person?"
"What–You know what? I'm gonna ignore that." He tried rolling his eyes, failing. "It's Regulus!" He said, looking around, checking if Regulus can hear them. He can't, James saw him talking with Sirius in a corner.
"Sirius' brother?"
"Oh Moony! He's just so pretty and perfect and MEAN! He glared at me did you know that?PLUSDIDYOUSEETHOSERINGS?HOLY those rings!!! And–" He stopped, realizing one important thing. Oh no.
"Oh no," he looked at Remus.
"What?"
"Moony! He's Sirius' brother!"
"Yes? Did we not establish that?"
"He's Sirius' brother."
"Oh."
"Yes Oh! Sirius is gonna kill me!" He looked towards the two brothers again, checking if they're still far away.
He looked at Remus pleading. "What do I do?"
"Nope. I'm out. Not happening. Goodluck," with that Remus turned around and left him alone in panic.
"I WILL REMEMBER THIS BETRAYAL MOONY!"
"What betrayal?" Sirius asked from his back.
He turned around and saw the brothers looking at him with confused faces, well Sirius looking at him with a confused face, and Regulus looking at him with a judgemental face–but James can see the hidden confusion clearly.
"It's nothing–um–he just said he prefers your cuddles more than mine!" He's looking everywhere, avoiding looking at his best friend's eyes, James is a very bad liar, If he looked directly at Sirius' eyes right now, he'll end up kneeling and telling him, I think your brother is the most gorgeous human to ever exist, can I marry him? And James is not ready to tell him that.
"Of course he prefers me, I'm his boyfriend after all." He said, as if he didn't beam after hearing what James said. "Also, can you watch Reggie for me? I need to talk to Moons about something."
"I'm not a dog."
Sirius didn't even pay attention to Regulus, he didn't even wait for James' answer, he just left them there without looking back.
James looked at Regulus, he really is pretty. He looks like he walked out of an oil painting, painted by the best painter. His eyes, oh his eyes–
"Reggie, right?" James said, after noticing the other boy looking at him too. He looked at James for a few more seconds before answering.
"Don't call me that."
"Okay, What should I call you? Reg? Gulus? Black?" Baby? Love? Sweetheart?
"Regulus. Call me Regulus, like a normal human being." He rolled his eyes at James.
"Awww, but that's so boring, baby Black." ICalledHimBabyICalledHimBabyICalledHimBabyICalledHi-
Regulus just stared at him. He really likes staring at me huh?
"Fine. You can call me anything though." He said, trying to distract himself from staring at Regulus.
Anything.
Regulus just stared at him more.
After a few seconds? Minutes? Hours?
Regulus finally sighed and said something.
"James."
***
"Well not, in love in love, just–It's very complicated to explain."
"Is that how it started?"
"Yes, It definitely started there. We talked about a lot of stuff and I asked him his number before he left, we chatted from then on, and Sirius noticed us being close, and asked me 'If I had a crush on his baby brother' and I said yes, he threatened me, and after threatening me he planned our wedding," he chuckled. "I asked for advice on how to woo his little brother, he said no. I asked Moony–our other best friend, he said just ask him–and when Remus tells you to do something, you go and do it–so I did. And he said yes."
He wore his happy jumper all day after that.
After their breakup, James almost regrets asking Regulus. Almost, because even after all the hurt and heartbreak, loving Regulus Black is always worth it. He'll gladly be stuck in a constant time loop of their whole relationship until their break up, If it means getting to experience Regulus' love again.
"What's the one thing you most love about him?"
"Everything." He confidently answered, and smiled at the camera. "But If I really have to choose one, It's his smile, and laugh! It's the best thing ever. His eyes sparkle when he does both, you know?"
"He does both very rarely, and early in our relationship, he covers them too–like why? they're the best thing in the world, please share them with me," he chuckled at the thought of Regulus covering his smile. "Even if it's very rare, If he smiles at you, you're gonna feel like you're on top of the world. And even though he's not used to smiling or laughing openly, he always does both a lot when he's with me, so I asked him why."
"Really? Did he say why?"
He smiled wider than the sun. "He did."
"Why?"
"Because It's me."
***
"Jamie."
James laughed harder at Regulus' ImSoDoneWithYourShit tone. He's so in love with him.
"What?" He asked after composing himself, his voice shook a bit betraying his serious expression, causing Regulus to roll his eyes at him.
"Stop." He said, whining as he pushed James' face away from him.
James gently grabbed his wrist and kissed it. "Love, you gotta admit, it was pretty funny."
"Not."
"Is."
"Not."
"Is."
"Not. Do you really wanna play this game with someone who grew up with a brother–not just any kind, a Sirius-kind at that?" Regulus asked, amusement present in his tone.
"Is–okay, you have a point." James pouted, Regulus just smiled at him and chastely kissed his lips. He knew exactly what he was doing. James is not gonna give him the satisfaction–he smiled. Regulus is just so, so wonderful.
"I believe you were talking about potatoes and dressings?" Regulus asked, looking like an innocent man he isn't, after pulling away.
"We could be doing more undressing if you didn't pull away." He replied, while wiggling his eyebrows.
Regulus looked at him from head to toe, and shook his head. "After hearing the joke you just said a minute ago? I don't think so."
James gasped. "Shut up! It was brilliant!"
"Sure, James."
"Okay, It's definitely the delivery that's the problem!" Grabbing both Regulus' shoulders to force Regulus to look at him.
"Believe me, love. Let me try again, I won't fail this time."
"What are you even trying to achieve?" Your smile. Your laugh. Everything.
"Uh-uh, no changing topics, now listen." James cleared his throat in preparation. "Why did the potato look away?"
Regulus sighed, accepting his fate. "Why?"
"Because he saw the salad dressing!"
A beat. He meets Regulus' eyes. And Regulus started laughing.
No.
He started giggling.
And James just stared at him, in awe. James is pretty sure Christmas came early because he swears that Regulus' giggles sound like James' early memories regarding it.
After Regulus calmed down, James pulled him towards himself and kissed his cheek, he looked at Regulus flushed face from laughter and smiled. "Hi there, love."
Regulus looked back at him, he too, was wearing a smile.
"Hi."
"So you admit that my joke was funny?"
"Nope."
"But you laughed!"
"Not funny."
"Then whyy?"
"Cause it's you who told it."
***
"He always listened to my stupid jokes, he always complained about them, but I knew he secretly loved it," he chuckled at the memory.
"He always had that look, you know? Like he'd happily suffer through my lifetime of jokes, if that meant he could spend his lifetime with me."
He always wanted to bottle up Regulus' laughter, but he always thought he didn't need to, because Regulus would always be there.
How he wishes he could have kept it.
He wishes he could have kept Regulus.
"What's the most memorable thing your greatest love gave you?"
"Well, everything about him is memorable, really. But if we're talking about an object he gave me, It's this.'' He picked up his necklace under his shirt and revealed a sun pendant.
"He gave it to me on our first anniversary, I never really got to ask why."
***
"Here."
Regulus gave him a tiny box, after they sat at the rooftop. He was looking away, his ears red.
James bit his lip, to prevent himself from smiling. Regulus looked so lovely like this, with city lights reflecting on his eyes.
He accepted the gift, and carefully opened the box, making sure it stays as it was.(He plans on putting it inside his box–the one where you put all sentimental things you love–sometimes he wants to put Regulus inside there too, he deserves to be there.)
After carefully opening it, it reveals a necklace. A beautiful golden necklace accompanied by a pendant shaped like the sun. On the back, can be read the word 'sunflower'.
He was about to thank Regulus when a piece of paper caught his eyes, it was folded, inside the box, beside the place the necklace once laid. He carefully put the necklace back in the box and opened the paper, noting Regulus looking away but side-eyeing his reaction.
Inside was the words:
"Should I devoid the world of my presence,
Leave me not in a grave,
But scatter my ashes on a sunflower field,
For I again would want to grow and prosper,
Facing the light of the Sun."
James hugged him. So so so tightly.
He loves this man.
That's it. He loves.
"I take it you liked my present, then?"
***
"It came with a poem, though." He said, after a beat. He recited the words engraved not only to his heart, but also his bones. The words that will be found on the last traces James will leave when time finally decided to take him.
"What were the last words you heard from him?"
That made James pause. Last words.
And that's the thing isn't it? After all this time, James would finally admit the thing he's been keeping close to his heart for two years. The thing that prevented him, from not only being able to move-on, but from hating Regulus.
That after all these years of not seeing him, he was able to still love him.
Because despite whatever mean, heartbreaking, soul crushing words he said that day, one thing true remains.
"I tried. I'm sorry. I love you." He smiled bitterly at the camera. "Those were his last words."
James doesn't think Regulus knows he heard him. He didn't look back after that. But James was there, he stayed. He waited until he can't see him anymore. He watched as Regulus Black walked out of his life.
But he did it knowing Regulus didn't want to. And that made the difference.
"What are the last words you said to him?"
"Three years." He touched his necklace. "I whispered it behind him, while he was walking away."
"Any specific reason?"
"I will give myself three years, to heal, to move-on, and if that doesn't work, I'll walk personally into his doorstep, and beg him to take me back–if he still wants me that is–and then convince him to fight whatever it was that forced him to walk away from me in the first place." And considering James is sitting here, doing an interview about the said person, after two years, he doesn't think he'll need to wait a year more to find the truth that Regulus Black is inescapable.
"If there was a chance that he is in front of you right now, what do you want to tell him?"
"You did well, love. I love you."
"Why did you accept our invitation?"
"It's actually a funny story… I actually thought the forms were survey forms–my friend tricked me!–and when I got that email, I just accepted because of the word 'greatest love'. I mean a free reign to talk about Regulus? Sign me up!" He excitedly explained.
"Plus who would know, anyways? It's not like my friends are gonna find this." He hopes they don't. "It's not like he's gonna find this." He hopes he does.
"What if there's a chance that you'll meet him here?"
"Huh?" Yes please.
"Do you know that in this segment of closure, we invited exes who coincidentally signed up and asked them the same questions about their relationship?"
"No way," he said, looking around the studio. There's no way Regulus would have signed up for this!
They gave him a blindfold.
"Holy shit–Are you serious?" He didn't even make a pun, that's how nervous he is right now.
"In a few minutes, you'll be seeing your great love, so please put your blindfold in your eyes and an armor in your heart."
"Fuck."