Fate
The days ’til the coronation went by fast. I spent every minute with James. The coronation was boring, all I could think of was James. It’s been two days sincet he coronation. I haven’t talked to James ever since. But I wanted to, I wanted to spend every minute with him, buti t was impossible for him to even come near me. I don’t like this. I really don’t like this. I don’t know what we’ll do. I don’t like this. Interviews and celebrations day after day. And my next month is full of them. I don’t want this. I can’t handle this. I hate crowds. I hate people. Except one, and that’s James. The only person I like. Love. I love him more than anything. The phone rang.
- Hello? – I picked it up.
- Hello, love. – I heard a voice. His voice.
- I’m sorry, I’m really busy right now, Could you call later? – I acted like it was just business. I had to. My mother was in the room.
- Is everything okay, Reg? – he asked.
- Like I said, I’m busy right now, I don’t have time for this. But I have time tomorrow if you wanna discuss this in person. – I said.
- Tomorrow 3 p.m. on the field, okay? – he said.
- Fine by me. – I said. – Goodbye.
- Goodbye, Reggie. – he said.
- Who was it? – my mother asked.
- It’s just business. I’ll handle it tomorrow. – I said.
- You’re really lazy lately, Regulus. You should do something with yourself or we’re gonna have problems. – she said.
- I’ll work on it. – I said and she walked out. I broke down on my bed holding James’ shirt. I wish everything was normal, easier.
- I’m going alone. – I said to my bodyguard the next day.
- Your mother said you can’t leave the palace alone. – he said.
- Last time I checked I was the king. If wanna go alone, I will go alone. – I said closing the door behind me. I checked a few times to see if anybody’s following me. On the field I saw him, my prince.
- It’s good to see you, Regulus. – he said.
I didn’t say anything, I walked to him and hugged him. I burried my face into his shoulders. Tears started streaming down my face and I couldn’t help it.
- What’s wrong? – he asked. I just held him stronger. – It’s okay, it’s okay. I’m here. – he tried to calm me down. – I’m here.
- I don’t wanna live like this, James. – I said. – It’s been three days, I can’t live without you. I don’t wanna go to fancy dinners and balls, I wanna be with you and it’s getting harder and harder every day.
- We’ll figure out something, I promise. – he said.
- I don’t think this is enough now. – I said. – It- it’s easier i-if we…
- No, Regulus. I’m not gonna leave you. I don’t care how hard it is, I don’t wanna live without you. – he said.
- It would be the smartest thing to do. What kind of future would we have? Sneaking around all the time. Our lifes are not made for falling in love. We have to rule our countries, but how could I rule a whole country if I can’t even control my emotions? We both need to marry a woman and have chidren to continue the bloodline. It’s better if we admit it now, We have no future together. – I pushed him away.
- What about the life you imagined? It could be real, just don’t give up. – tears started streaming down his face. – Please don’t give up, Regulus. Don’t give up, please…
- I imagined it, it was all a dream. This is how it should be. – I said.
- What about that you can’t live without me? – he asked wiping away his tears.
- It’s true. Without you I just exist, but not live. But that’s my fate. – I said trying to hold back my tears.
- No, Regulus, you deserve to be happy. Please don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t do this to us. I love you. I’d do anything for you. – he cried.
- I’m sorry, James. But this is the right thing to do. – I took his face into my hands and wiped away his tears. – You’re the sun, James. You have to shine. Not for me, for them. For your country, for your people.
- I don’t care about the crown, you’re all I care about. – he said weakly.
- Love makes people weak. A king can’t show weakness. – I said. – Goodbye, James.
- No, please, no, Regulus, please, don’t leave me! – he said.
I kissed him and walked back home. Home. No that’s not my home. He was my home. He is my home. I wish he could be. I broke down crying. His shirt is still there, under my bedsheets. It still smells like him. It’s the only thing I have left of us. Why can’t I be normal? Why is it so hard to be normal? I don’t wanna be me, I just wanna be normal. I had a ball that night. My eyes were red. After about an hour I went back home and cried again. Cried, cried and cried, just cried for days.
- WHAT THE HELL, REGULUS?!!? – Sirisus shouted.
- Don’t shout! Jesus. – I said.
- YOU BROKE HIM. YOU FUCKING BROKE HIM. DIDN’T YOU THINK ABOUT HIS FEELINGS? YOU HURT HIM. – he said angryly.
- I know. Trust me, I know, but there was nothing else I could do. There was no other option. – I said with teary eyes.
- THERE’S ALWAYS ANOTHER OPTION! – he shouted.
- Yeah, in the movies, but let me tell you something. This is the real life and not everybody can just leave and start it over like you did. – I said angryly. I’m usually calm. I’m almost always calm, but I’m weak now. Too weak to control my emotions.
- I DIDN’T JUST LEAVE! IT WOULD’VE KILLED ME TO STAY! – he shouted.
- AND IT ALMOST REALLY KILLED ME THAT YOU LEFT! – I shouted too.
- I DON’T CARE, BUT JAMES HASN’T STOPPED CRYING IN DAYS! – he shouted.
- WOW, YOU’RE A REALLY GOOD BROTHER. I TOLD YOU I ALMOST GOT KILLED AFTER YOU LEFT AND YOU DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT IT, NOT TO MENTION YOU DIDN’T EVEN ASK HOW I HANDLE THE BREAKUP. IT’S NOT ALWAYS THAT EASY, YOU KNOW. A KING HAS TO MAKE HARD DECISIONS. – I shouted. – YOU WOULD KNOW IF YOU WOULDN’T BE SO SELFISH.
- You’re a horrible brother, Regulus. – he said.
- Not worse than you. – I said.
After he left I started crying again. Why do I have to be like that? Why do I always push everybody away? Now James is crying because of me. I never wanted to hurt him. I am the worst. I hurted the only person I care about. Sirius was right, I’m a horrible person. Weeks went by, James went back to England and moved on. I continued going to balls and fancy events. It isn’t easy, but this is how it should be. I will never get over him, but he shouldn’t cry about me, because of me. I still cry, but not that much. The memories and my dreams still hunt me every night. It’s impossible for me to move on. It’s getting colder as the fall comes. On September 1st I went back to school to finish my studies. Barty and Evan are there for when I need them, but I rather not bother them with my miserable life. They’re happy together. Everything started to go back to normal until one evening. I was reading the newspaper when I saw an article about him. Yeah, him. I haven’t heard from him for two months and now, everything changed. „James Potter the heir of the Potter dynasty come out as queer” What? James came out? That’s… I don’t even know what to say. „I had enough of the secrets and the lies. I lost someone really important to me because of them. I wanna be free. I wanna show him he can be free too. – he said in an interview.” I read. He’s talking about me. He did all this because of me, for me. I- I have to see him. I have to talk with him. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. I flew to London with the next flight.
- I knew you’d come. – he said. He’s standing right in front of me. After two months.
- You did all this for me? – I asked.
- I did this for us. And I would do more. I would do anything. – he said. – They support me, it doesn’t make any difference if you’re gay or not. You’re their king, they look up to you.
- Maybe your people do, but my mom would kill me. – I said.
- You traveled hours, I don’t think that’s it. – he said.
I walked to him. I put one of my hands on his shoulder. And whispered to his ears – I wish I could do what I wanted to.
- It’s just you and me. No one sees us. You can do whatever you want. – he said.
- But it’ll be harder to leave. – I said.
- Then don’t leave. – he whispered slowly. He looked like a mess, his eyes were still red from the crying and his hair was messy, like the first time we met. But back then his hair was messy from partying and now it’s messy from crying. His hair was messy, but in a happy way. And now, he’s just a mess, a sad mess and I’m the reason why.
- Please, James. Don’t do this to me. We both know how this will end. – I pushed him away. – I love you, but we just can’t be together. We’re not meant to be, you have to accept it.
- Who says we’re not meant to be? – he asked. – You? Your homophobic mother? Who, Regulus? Who?
- Everyone.
- That’s dumb. No one even knows about us. How do you know it wouldn’t work if we never try?
- Because I tried. Once. When I was 14. I had a boyfriend. the first time he sneaked in my father killed him. That’s why I didn’t want you to kiss me. That’s why I didn’t want to get with you. I wanted to protect you. I feared for you. I don’t want you to get hurt. And I most definitely didn’t want to hurt you.
- Oh, Reggie. I-I’m so sorry. I didn’t know…
- Of course you didn’t know. My parents keep their secrets. They abused me and Sirius for years and no one knew. – I said. He hugged me.
- I don’t let anyone hurt you, I promise. – he said.
- Don’t promise something you can’t keep.
- Don’t push me away. Please. I love you. I’ll protect you. I promise. I always keep my promises.
- And who will protect you? – I asked.
- I don’t need to be protected. – he said.
- Yes, you do. Do you know how many people will hate you for being…
- Gay? You can say it out loud. I love you and I’m not ashamed of it. I’m not ashamed of who I am or who I love. I am proud to myself.
- Promise me something. – I said.
- What?
- No matter what’s gonna happen you will never lose yourself. You will never change, not for anyone or anything. Just stay who you are.
- I promise. – he said and burried his face into my neck.
- I love you. – I whispered.
- I love you more. – he whispered back. – Will you stay here?
- As long as you want me to. – I said.
- That’s a pretty long time. – he said. He pushed me away so he can look in my eyes. – So… We’re?
- Yes, we’re together again. If that’s what you want. – I smiled at him.
- You’re all I want. – he kissed my lips.