Regulus has never particularly liked his birthday. Growing up in a Fedra school they didn’t celebrate it much. Sirius was always there for it, of course, he sat up in his bed with him as the sun rose and wished him a happy birthday. Singing with the awful voice of his, shouting so everyone in the city would hear him. He got thrown in the hole for it every year, but it didn’t matter, he just kept doing it. Regulus pretended to be annoyed, shoving his head in his pillow and begging him to shut the fuck up. A part of him grew warm with the thought of it though. The love they have for one another is so strong even to withstand the apocalypse and the end of the world. They’re brothers first and always. So yeah, Regulus likes being sung to on his birthday, no matter how much it makes his cheeks warm with embarrassment.
This year though, Regulus sits alone in his bed, watching the sun go down on his birthday. It’s still early, it’s hardly five. Yet, it feels so monumental, he feels a tugging at his heart. Loneliness plagued him like any other. The sun is setting on his birthday and his brother isn’t there to celebrate it with him. He didn’t wake him at sunrise and sing just to agitate him. He didn’t smile at him while being taken away to the hole and sing even louder. He simply was gone. Two days ago he told Regulus has was leaving to get something in the city, he told him he would be back. Maybe if they lived before the outbreak it would’ve been okay. He wouldn’t feel so anxious about it. But they don’t. And invected roam the streets, along with Fedra. Both wouldn’t hesitate to kill him, whether it by tearing his throat out with their teeth or gunning him down for being out past curfew.
Sirius is smart, Regulus hates to admit it but it’s true. He knows what paths to go down, he knows how to survive out there. He’s spent his entire life running. When their parents stuck them in this school he ran, that first day, he asked Regulus to go with him. He said no. He’s still asking to this day. They could get away. They could make it past the city walls. They would steal guns and ammo and shoot down any infected they see. They could find a place that’s kind to them and live the rest of their lives happy and free. Regulus keeps saying no. Sometimes he thinks it’s pointless, but other’s he’s so scared of dying he’ll do anything to keep himself safe. Sirius goes off most of the time, but he always comes back. He’s always come back. Regulus knows that he’ll come back again. But he promised he’d be back for his birthday. But he’s still not here. He wishes it didn’t hurt as much as it does.
As the stars come out Regulus drops his head into his knees, pulling them closer to his chest. It’s okay, really. Sirius will come back tomorrow and he’ll apologize and all will be well. They’ll be fine. They can ignore that this day ever happened. Lifting his gaze he watches as snow falls from just outside his window, he shivers at the sight of it. He’s not sure why he hates it so much. It makes the whole world quiet, which he thought he would like. His mind is so wild he needs something to offset it, but it just makes it worse. It makes his mind blow up until his thoughts are driving him insane. He looks away. Maybe if he falls asleep he’ll wake up to Sirius singing to him. Even if it’s a day late he’ll take it.
He’s just setting the blankets all right when his window creaks open, and his head whips in the direction of it.
“Sleeping already?”
Regulus’ shoulders slump, and he grumbles, “Go away, James.”
“But it’s your birthday,” the boy says, smiling stupidly, “The day can’t be over yet.”
James Potter is Sirius’ best friend. He’s quite infuriating actually. Sirius met him one of the times he snuck out, Regulus isn’t exactly sure how it went down. All he knows is Sirius came back raving about his new best friend. He was eleven. And now seven years later they’re just as insufferable, can hardly be apart the two of them. And now James is in his room, with his stupid glasses, stupid hair, and stupid smile that won’t get off his face no matter if it’s the end of the world. The glasses were his father's, they’re not the best but they get the job done, or so he says. How he lived this long Regulus has no idea. He’s not in a Fedra school, he's just out there with Remus.
Regulus almost wishes Remus joined him. He evens out James’ happy demeanor, making him an easier pill to swallow. Especially when Sirius is there with him. The day they started dating was the day Regulus officially lost all his peace.
“Well, it is,” Regulus tells him, “The sun has gone down, now get out.”
James shakes his head, “Come with me.”
Regulus scoffs, “I’m not going anywhere with you. We’re not friends.”
James pouts, “But it’s your birthday.”
“Exactly,” Regulus says, “my birthday. I get to choose what I do and there’s no way in hell I’m doing anything with you.”
James keeps pouting, “I promise I’ll make it worth it.”
Regulus sighs through gritted teeth, “No.”
The first time they met Regulus hated him the moment he laid his eyes on him. Sirius snuck him into their bedroom and Regulus couldn’t stand him. He was so warm. Regulus has never been around someone that warm before. There was also the fact that Sirius liked him more than him. Regulus hated it. But somehow in that first meeting, James took his heart too. He turned his cheeks warm and left his mouth agape when he left. He was ten and there was an empty hole left in his chest. James had his beating heart in his hands. Regulus has spent seven years trying to get it back. James has been kind to it, he’s never tried to hold it so tightly it would break. He never gave his in return. Regulus never asked for it. He doesn’t even want it. He just wants his own back. He never dreamed of being in love, he just wanted to be left alone. James had other plans for him.
He tilts his head, bouncing on his heels, “Please?”
Regulus hates that his heart exists most of the time. He hates that it tugs on his body until he’s doing everything James asks him to.
He doesn’t want to climb out the window following James Potter blindly, but he does. Closing the window behind them and wrapping his arms around his chest. Despite having a coat on it’s still fucking cold. Regulus hates James. And he tells him that. All the time in fact. No matter if he has his heart tucked under his ribs, Regulus doesn’t care. He can hate him all he likes.
“It’s gonna be fun,” James hooks his arm with his. Regulus tries to push him off but James gives him a look that makes him stop. “It’ll be the best birthday you’ve ever had.” Snow falls over his hair, it looks ridiculous. And yet Regulus can’t look away from it.
“I highly doubt that,” he mumbles, forcing his eyes away.
James hums happily, “We’ll see about that, now won’t we?”
Regulus pulls his arm away from him taking two steps away, “Just make it quick.”
James laughs and it’s like a melody, it’s Regulus’ favorite song the one he refuses to listen to when it plays. “Sure, Grandpa.”
“I mean it,” Regulus tells him, “I don’t like being out past curfew.”
“You have to break some rules you know,” stands by the edge of the building they're standing on. “Life isn’t any fun if you don’t.”
“It’s safe,” he tells him.
“Nothing in this world is safe,” James says, turning to peer down to the street beneath him. “An infected could run out at us this very moment and take us both down with it.” He looks back at him, his eyes blazing, “What’s the point in being careful if all of us die anyway?”
“I don’t want to die now,” Regulus stresses.
James shrugs, “Neither do I. But I refuse to spend my life doing nothing just because I don’t want to die.” He takes one of his feet and dangles it off the edge of the building. “It’s a fine line to walk on, you know. You just gotta find a ledge to jump off of.”
“James-“ Regulus’ warns, but the boy is already jumping. One second he was standing on the building with him and the next he was gone. Just like that. Falling down the edge of the building like the snow. “James!”
He’s already running to the edge before he can register what he’s doing, his feet scuffing on the ground as he falls to his knees. He swears he hears his heart in his throat, he hears it choking him until he can’t breathe. His mind is a constant hum of James’ name. He can’t be dead, he’s stupid but not stupid enough to be dead. He’s always around, there’s not a world without him. It’s like he’s the sun. The world would be plagued into a frosted night without him. When Regulus pears over the edge he doesn’t find James lying on the ground with cracked ribs. Instead, he’s standing on a little balcony a few meters down.
“You were worried about me,” he teases.
Regulus scoffs, “You could have died.”
James shakes his head, “I’ve done this a million times, and I’m still alive. It’s hardly even a drop come on.”
“Absolutely not,” Regulus tells him.
James gives him a pointed look, reaching his hand out for him. “I’ll catch you.”
“I don’t need you to catch me,” Regulus grumbles, setting himself on the ledge. Slowly sinking himself down until he’s on the balcony.
James quietly cheers for him, and Regulus debates shoving him all the way down. He’d probably survive it, if not for a few broken bones. James takes his hand before he can, leading him through a broken window. There isn’t anything inside to terrify them, well besides the aging destruction that comes from most places these days. Broken glass is thrown all over the floor, and drawers are emptied as if the person was in a hurry. Laying out all the useless junk for everyone else to pick through. Regulus catches a glimpse of a child’s drawing and looks away. It must’ve been sitting here for almost two decades. It was a different world when it was first created. It may have been put up on the fridge, held up by colorful magnets. Now the child is probably dead. Whoever they were they probably didn’t last to see adulthood. It’s sad, yes, but not unexpected. Regulus is used to it by now.
“Where are you taking me?”
James looks back at him, a stupid smile on his face, “To change your life.”
Regulus rolls his eyes, “Somehow I doubt that.”
James laughs and it doesn’t seem to fit. There is no room in this world for laughter or cheer. It echoes in the empty halls of a home that used to fit a life far away. Regulus doesn’t usually find himself thinking about the life before. It’s not as if there’s anyone he can ask about it. This is all he’s ever known, but he thinks James belongs in that old world. One where Christmas was celebrated with lights and carols. He deserves that, even now.
They break through more homes, hopping around to meet their destination. Regulus follows James blindly, allowing him to keep his hand held tightly. He wants to take it back but his heart is humming happily with them intertwined. It’s still his birthday, technically, he should be allowed this present, no matter how small. It sounds stupid and he hates himself for even thinking it, but James doesn’t even need to know. Regulus can grimace and scowl, pretending to hate it, James doesn’t have to ever know. He’s so distracted by watching him that he doesn’t even realize that they’re right outside the old mall. The one that’s apparently closed up due to it being full of infected.
“No,” Regulus pulls James back. “We’re not going in there.”
“Come on,” James laughs, “It’s not—“
“It’s full of infected!”
“No, it’s not.”
“They blocked it up—“
“If they blocked it up how did we get in?” James questions. “Sirius and I have gone in there countless times, trust me.”
Regulus's chest aches, he’s always had a fear of dying. Even in a world like this, he’d rather live his life hating it than leave it behind. “James…”
“Reg,” James says slowly, “I’m not going to let anything hurt you.”
Regulus shouldn’t believe him, he shouldn’t feel at ease when he says that but he is. His stupid heart. “You’ve done this before?”
James nods, “Searched every inch of it, and no infected were found.”
Regulus forces his shoulders to relax, “Alright fine. "
James’ eyes brighten, “You sure?”
“Let’s go.”
They manage to shimmy through a window dropping them into the back of the building. Regulus can’t help but keep his head on a swivel, his fingers itching for a weapon of some kind. He’s brought his knife, he always has it on him even when he’s sleeping. There’s always a chance of something coming for him. An infected getting inside the base to infect everyone in its path. Regulus won’t let that happen to him.
“Go through those doors,” James says, as soon as he gets in the room, “Turn left and then wait.”
Regulus whips his head over to him, “Alone?”
James smirks, “You scared?”
“No.”
“Then go through the doors.”
Regulus huffs, “What if you’re attacked?”
“You worried about me, Reg?” James teases.
“Fuck off,” Regulus grumbles, marching through the doors. James can die for all he cares. It would just be one less thing for him to worry about, he’d get his heart back at least. When he does he’ll be sure to keep it close, he doesn’t want it leaping off to someone else the second he holds it again. The place is dark as he walks through it, though there’s a ledge in front of him as soon as he turns left. Squinting he tries to find something through it all but he can’t seem to make any sense of any of it.
Right as Regulus is going to call back out for James the lights flicker on, causing a hum to break through the place. He’s never seen anything like it. The place glows to life, Regulus can almost ignore all the rot and moss and see it like it’s brand new. He’s not dealing with infected, he’s just a regular teenager going to the mall to pick up something before going back home. He can almost hear the laughter of the ghosts of the past.
James slings his arm around Regulus’ shoulders causing him to flinch, “What do you think?”
“It’s…” Regulus says in shock, “Alright.”
“Alright?” James laughs, “That’s it.”
Regulus pushes him away, “People will see.”
“Come on,” James says, “It’s like a big bunker. No one can see anything, this is just for us tonight.”
Regulus looks back at the lights, trying to peer through each of the stores. Raiders have already come through here, of course, there’s nothing useful left here. But Regulus can’t help but want to scan through everything in here, trying to find something he could take to claim as his own.
James slips his hand back in Regulus’, it’s like he’s doing it on purpose, “This way.”
Regulus follows, “How do the lights even work in this place anyway? I thought Fedra shut it all down?”
“No idea,” James shrugs, “Sirius just thought we could try it and it ended up working.”
Regulus feels like a child just looking around the place, and going down the escalator for the first time. Though he doesn’t get as excited about it as James, and he’s gone on it before. He’s all jittery talking about the first time he saw it. It’s something so simple to be excited about, but it’s not like either of them has the perspective as everyone before the infected do. Going to the mall used to be a normal occurrence, maybe even something people groaned and got annoyed about. Especially around the holidays. Regulus would do anything to walk around this place with James like that, even if he hates crowds he would do it for him. Pathetic. Maybe alone is better.
As soon as they’re down James starts running, disconnecting their hands, “Race you!”
“What!” Regulus sputters out, watching James turn the corner, “I don’t even know where we’re going! That’s not fair!” He runs anyway, following James’ obnoxious laughter as he does. He’s not even worrying about making too much noise or tripping over loose floor tiles. For one shining moment, he lets go of all his fears. It’s never been like this before, and maybe it’s not enough to throw it all out forever. He’ll go back to Fedra and curl into his bed, waking up to train himself to do whatever they want him to. He’ll still flinch at the sound of bullets and sleep with a knife terrified of infected coming to bite him. But right now it’s sweet, it’s kind. The James Potter effect.
When they stop he feels a flush on his cheeks and his chest is heaving, but James is smiling like an idiot so he can’t find himself caring about it.
“Ta-da!” James gestures to the carousel in front of him. Regulus has only read about it in books, he doesn’t have many of them, but it matches the description.
Without a word he steps on it, tracing his fingers over the horses. Then it starts to move. “Oh.”
“Pretty cool right?” James runs up next to him. Regulus looks at him refusing to speak. “You have to admit it’s a little cool.”
“Why did you take me here?”
James sighs, “Hop on.”
“What?”
“Hop on.”
Regulus looks at the horse next to him, it’s black with a gold saddle, a star pressed into the center of it. Holding onto the pole he pulls himself up, careful to land himself perfectly on it so he doesn’t fall. James takes the one next to him, a white one but instead of a star on its saddle, there’s a sun.
“Don’t say it’s just because of my birthday,” Regulus continues.
“I’ve been wanting to take you here for ages,” James leans his temple on the pole in front of him, “This just seemed like the perfect time.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s your birthday.”
Regulus sighs, “No, why did you want to take me here?”
Something flashes over James’ eyes, “I like you.”
Regulus scoffs, “I’m nothing but mean to you.”
“That’s what I like.”
“Ridiculous,” Regulus grumbles.
James smiles softly, “Why did you come?”
“What do you mean?”
“I came to you knowing you would say no,” he adds quickly. “I hoped you’d say yes but I knew you’d say no. Why did you come?”
“I didn’t want to be alone,” Regulus whispers.
The ride shuts off, the motor no longer humming. “I can make sure you’re never alone again.”
Regulus shakes his head, “What’s next.”
James hops from the ride, motioning for Regulus to take his hand, “I’ve got an idea.”
~…~
James has been in love with Regulus since the first time he saw him. And he knows that’s a ridiculous thing to claim but he doesn’t find himself caring. Regulus is mean to him and rolls his eyes at everything he says, but he’s so lovely James can’t think straight when he’s around him. He’s not sure why that is. He meant it when he said he didn’t think Regulus would ever go out with him tonight. He thought he’d slug him, or put a knife to his throat. He’d push him out of the window and not even care that he’d broken all his bones. But instead, he came with him, he’s had this childlike wonder about him the entire time. He’s answered all the questions he’s had for him, and let him hold his hand without cutting it off. He knows he’s doing it too much but Regulus doesn’t seem to mind so he can’t find anything inside him to make him stop.
He took him to this old book store it’s the farthest away James has been in this place. He may have told Regulus he searched everywhere, but he may have been lying. He knows there’s no infected, they’ve made enough noise in this place on all their trips that he knows for certain they would’ve died already if there were. So it’s really no trouble. All the books here have started to rot away, some of the pages are glued together, or suffering from water damage. It smells horrific, but Regulus seems to be in his own little paradise, looking through all the shelves trying to find something he can take home with him. That’s why Sirius was gone today, he was supposed to be back but something must’ve held him up. He wanted to get a birthday gift for Regulus, something special this time. He was trying to find the sequel to his favorite book here but couldn’t, not one that was readable anyway. So he had to go a few towns over to try. He’ll be alright, he’s better at dealing with infected than James is and he’s the one running into them the most.
When his parents died James pretty much glued himself to Remus’ side. They didn’t want to be a part of Fedra, and they knew they would be if they were caught out. So they kept to themselves mostly, stealing food when they needed to, just trying to get by. They met Sirius pretty quickly and he joined them when he could, giving them food so they wouldn’t starve and clothes when they needed it. They would be dead if it wasn’t for him. James really does believe that. Sirius has never brought Regulus out with him when he visited them, and said Regulus didn’t want to come. So James really doesn’t see Regulus as much as he wants to, sneaking into the Fedra base is easier said than done. He’s never seen him outside of it, before tonight that is.
There’s no light in this room, but James still finds himself drawn to him. Stacking books high in his arms. “You know we can come back,” James says. “To get some more.”
Regulus looks at him, his eyes sharp, “You’re already bored?”
James lifts his hands in surrender, “I didn’t say that! I just mean you look like you're running out of room there.”
Regulus keeps glaring at him, refusing to lift his gaze.
“Do you want me to hold some?” James suggests.
Regulus shoves the books in his arms into James’, “Don’t ruin them.”
James chuckles, “I wouldn’t dream of it.”
He could look down and see the titles but he can’t bring himself to. It’s not like he’d recognize any of them, the only books are the ones he knows from Remus and he doesn’t have that many. They’re always on the move so it’s not like he can carry a lot with him.
Every time Regulus disappears James just wants him back again. Not only to keep him safe, which is one of the main reasons, he just wants him with him, in every way of the word.
James isn’t sure how long they’re in there, he doesn’t mind checking, “I can come back?” Regulus questions, appearing again with an even bigger stack than before.
“Of course,” James tells him, “Any time you want.”
Regulus tries to hide his eyes lighting up, James can tell, but he doesn’t work. “Thank you for bringing me here.”
“Anytime,” James mumbles. He could kiss him right now. He wants to kiss him right now. No matter how disgusting this place is, Regulus is just lovely. But he’s already walking away.
“This way,” he says.
“You’re taking me somewhere?” James questions.
Regulus doesn’t even bother to look back at him, “We passed a place I thought you might like.”
They go quiet walking through the place, stumbling with all the books in their arms. James has gone through most of this place, but of course, there are rooms he hasn’t seen. Partially because the place is so big and partially because of fear. He may act like he’s got it all together, that he’s not terrified of infected running around. He wouldn’t take Regulus here if he didn’t know it was safe. He would never put him in a situation that may lead to a fate even worse than death, but it still lingers. There’s that aching feeling in the back of his chest when he finds a dark corner not touched by the human eye in over a decade.
Regulus doesn’t speak the entire way over, trying to navigate his way through the place. It’s practically like a maze, if they were to get into trouble… James doesn’t want to think about it. Nothing’s going to happen to them. Sirius and James have never gotten into trouble before here. Other places yes, but not here. James hasn’t even really seen in infected, at least not up close. He’s heard them from a distance but his parents always shielded him from that stuff. Until it caught up to them too. They’d probably hate that he was here right now. When they died they told him to go to a Fedra base despite being against them. They just wanted him to be safe, it was the best place for him. He ended up just running off to Remus, he’d been on his own for years after his parents died. They’ve made it pretty far together. They thought about finding a commune somewhere, a place free of fear. Never actually made good on the plans though.
“How much longer?”
Regulus scoffs, “Could you be any more impatient.”
James shrugs, “Sure I could, do you want me to start now?”
Regulus sighs, shoving James a little further, “Well we’re here.”
“We’re…” James’ voice dies down, “Oh.”
Carefully Regulus puts his books down in front of the doorway, “I pick good?”
It’s a Halloween Store, or at least that’s what it says on the sign out front. James has never actually celebrated. His parents told him about it though. All about trick or treating, the candy he’d get, scary movies, and costumes. He’s always wanted to celebrate it somehow, it just never really panned out. The world is scary enough and candy is a luxury he’s never gonna have he’s afraid. Maybe one day.
“Yeah,” James puts his books down too, peering into the store. “You did.”
Regulus grabs his hand and James swears he’s dying, probably not the best phrase to use in a time like this but he can’t help it. He feels as if he’ll pass out if it goes on any longer, and his heart starts stuttering. Then Regulus lets go. All that’s left is a phantom touch on his wrist. He still feels it even if Regulus is far away at a shelf.
James goes to his own, stealing two rubber masks from their stands. The place is filled with plastic pumpkins and fake spiders, real ones too actually. James runs his fingers across the dusty shelves. A whole life flashed before him. One where this is the scariest thing got. Fake blood and creepy masks.
“What do people even use all this shit for?” Regulus questions, walking up behind him.
James shrugs, “It’s fun.”
“Pointless,” Regulus responds.
James tilts his head, “Well I think it’s fun.”
“Most of what you think is pointless so,” Regulus smiles.
“Wow,” James shakes his head, “That’s how we’re doing it then.”
“It’s my birthday.”
“So that means you get to do whatever you want?”
“Pretty much.”
Quickly James puts the werewolf mask over Regulus’ face, “Fun.”
“It smells like shit too,” Regulus says, his voice muffled.
James grabs his hand, dragging him over to the counter. Putting the clown mask on himself. Regulus is right, it does smell like shit. “Step up.”
“Excuse me.”
“Come on,” James pushes him forward, “Step up.”
Regulus grumbles something incoherent but steps up anyway, kicking away debris that sits in his way, “Now what?”
“Give me a sec,” James runs off to the back of the store. It doesn’t take him long to get what he came for, he slides on the floor as he gets back, setting it up next to them. “I found an old music player.”
“Is that wise to play now?” Regulus asks.
“Nothing's here,” James brushes him off. “I swear it’s fine.”
It takes a little bit of finagling but he manages to make it work. He doesn’t know the song. Sirius has played him a little, he managed to steal a walkman off someone, but that’s pretty much all he’s got. Sometimes he can’t help but wonder what it was before the outbreak. It’s times like these that truly make him dive deep into it. People could listen to music whenever they wanted, they could listen to whatever song they needed at the time. They could even see it preformed in front of them. James would give anything to be able to do that.
Thinking about it won’t change anything though so he pushes the thoughts aside and jumps up on the countertop.
“What are we doing James?” Regulus questions, awkwardly looking around.
James smiles, taking his hands. Regulus actually lets him, he’s let him this entire time, and he still has no idea why that is. “Dance with me.”
Regulus’ shoulders drop, “No.”
“Yes,” James moves his arms for him. “Come on, it’ll be fun.”
Slowly he turns his torso, “This is ridiculous.”
“No one can see you but me,” James says.
“You act like that’s better,” Regulus mumbles. It takes him a little bit to let go but eventually, he does. They dance together as if they’re the only two people in the world. Those three minutes, until the song ends, might be one of the simplest of James’ life. Not that it makes it bad. It actually makes it one of the best moments. He’s never just gotten to put all his walls down before. He’s never gotten to feel like a real person. Someone who’s not living in a post-apocalyptic world. It only lasts those few minutes, but it’s there. And he thinks he’s going to cherish it for the rest of his life.
As soon as the last note plays Regulus drops his hand, pulling off his mask. James does the same, “Are you—“
Regulus jumps forward to kiss him and the entire world falls away. It’s short, barely even anything but it’s there and James has to hold himself back before he does something embarrassing like giggle or some shit. “Oh.”
Regulus blinks, “I’m sorry.”
James shakes his head, putting his hands on his face to pull him in again. He doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t need to, Regulus is holding him too.
“This is crazy,” Regulus mumbles against his lips.
“You like me,” James says in shock.
“I—“
“You like me,” James sings. “You like me. You like me.”
“Shut up,” Regulus kisses him again, pulling him in with the front of his shirt. James goes willingly. He’d go anywhere Regulus takes him if he’s honest. And maybe that’s not something he should admit so freely, but he can’t help it. He wants to give Regulus anything he wants. It all seems to be falling into place. Everything is as it should be.
Then something clatters in the next room over.
They break apart.
“James,” Regulus says hurriedly, grabbing onto his hand.
James’ eyes widen, gripping it back, “It’s nothing.” As he speaks his breath hitches, he knows he’s lying. “Sirius said there was nothing here. There’s not—“
An infected runs into the room, it’s all a blur James doesn’t think he can see anything. All he can do is trip backward and pull Regulus with him. Running to the other side of the room without any thoughts. He didn’t bring a weapon with him. He should’ve brought his gun. He thought it was safe. He swears he thought it was safe.
“James!” Regulus cries.
“I know, I’m sorry,” James pushes the shelf behind him trying to gain space between them but it doesn’t do anything to help them. The infected runs into their back knocking them down. James hits the ground hard, he wheezes losing all his momentum. His vision goes all hazy as he watches Regulus take a knife from his shoe and leap at the infected, stabbing it straight through its chest. It doesn’t slow down. Plowing straight into him. No matter what Regulus does he can’t break lose. His cries echo in the room until James’ ears are ringing. He didn’t mean for this to happen. He can’t breathe.
“Reg,” he whimpers, forcing himself up. He reaches for a pipe laying a few feet away, slamming it into the back of the infected’s head. It releases Regulus from his grip only to grab onto James instead. His back slams into one of the shelves, and the metal digs into his back. He looks death in the face every single day of his life but he’s never felt something like this. The mind-numbing terror that doesn’t let him do anything but feel every emotion all at once. He never believed people when they said you’re life flashes in your eyes before you die but James feels it. Every single moment of it. He thinks about his parents. Is this how they felt before they died? Was this what their final moments were like?
He doesn’t know how long it takes before Regulus is screaming and shoving his knife into the infected’s skull. It feels like lifetimes. He feels like James is already dead. He shivers as Regulus pulls the blade out. The body is lying lifeless on the floor. He still can’t feel anything. He feels tears push against his eyes. Fucking hell. He starts laughing maniacally. They did it. He runs his hands over his face roughly. Feeling the sting of his glasses pushing into his face.
When he pulls them away Regulus is turning toward him, his face dull. “James,” he tries.
“We did it,” James laughs louder. “I can’t wait to tell Sirius about this he’ll—“
“James,” Regulus says again, letting his hand drop.
James swears the moment his eyes meet the bite mark on his hand the world stops for a moment. He feels himself die again. The terror is ice-cold slipping down his veins. He almost wishes the infected killed him, and feasted on his bones. It would be better than feeling this.
“No,” James shakes his head, “No. No. No. No.”
“James,” Regulus calls out again, this time his eyes are stuck on his hand. James looks down to find his own mark there. He doesn’t know how he didn’t notice it before, it’s right around his thumb.
“Oh,” James breathes in shakily. Blood drips down the side of it and his first thought is of Sirius. He told him he would meet them here if he got back soon enough. He would celebrate the end of Regulus’ birthday with them. And now he’s never gonna see him again. “I’m sorry,” tears leak from his eyes. “I didn’t—“
Regulus is crying too. He nods slowly, unsure of what else to do.
James breaks forward knocking the shelf down from behind him. He needs to do something he needs to feel something. It doesn’t help, not really. But he keeps doing it anyway. Grabbing the pipe from where he left it, it’s covered in blood but he doesn’t really pay attention to it. He goes in an out of time for a bit, with the only sound being the breaking of glass and the rough ringing in his ear. He feels himself bleed, he feels his life give out and another one start. He’s not sure where he is anymore, or how long it’s been since he got infected. Maybe he should’ve kept track of that. It would’ve been easier to swallow if he knew how much time he had left of being himself. The lights flicker in and out as he still hasn’t gotten control of his vision. It’s like he’s slowly shutting down.
“James,” Regulus calls out weakly. He’s sitting on the floor, just in front of the shop. James throws away his pipe, clearing his raw throat. “Stop.”
“I—“ numbly he walks over, sitting beside the other boy grabbing his hand as he does. “I’m so sorry. I thought it was safe.”
Regulus shakes his head, running his hand through his messy hair. “I’m sorry too.” He doesn’t say what he’s sorry for, but James lets him say it anyway. Regulus shivers, James can feel his fear like it’s his own.
It was so fast. That simple moment. It ended as soon as it began. He really thought he had it. James really thought he had it.
“What do we do now?” Regulus asks.
James stares blankly in front of them, he can see the whole mall from here. He almost looks for Sirius, but he doesn’t want him to see them like this. “The way I see it we have two options,” he looks over at the knife still in Regulus’ hands. “We can take the easy way out. It’s quick,” he struggles to continue. He never really thought of his death, even in the world they’re living in. He never thought it would ever plague him. He thought he could live forever, no matter how stupid it sounds coming out of his mouth. “It’s not a very nice option.” He shudders, “I don’t like it.”
Regulus glances at him before putting the knife down, “What’s option two?”
James swallows thickly, “We just keep going. No matter how long we have left. If it’s ten minutes or if we last till morning. We just go. Be all poetic and shit and lose our minds together.”
Regulus nods, his tears falling down his cheek it’s a tragedy to witness. James wishes he wasn’t. “There’s no option three is there?”
James shakes his head, “I’m sorry.”
Slowly Regulus puts his head on his shoulder, pushing in as close as he can. James cradles his head, drawing him in. He wishes this were easier. He wishes it didn’t have to end like this, he never imagined it would. “I’m not ready to die, James,” Regulus confesses.
Jams sobs, it slips from his lips, he can’t hide it, “I’m not ready either.”
Regulus squeezes him harder, trying to find protection in a place where none exists.
They don’t speak again. Those are their last words. It doesn’t take long for them to start twitching. Regulus starts first. Very shortly followed by James. They cry as they do. They don’t have any control over the infection running down their chests. He just keeps twitching. It’s so cold. James doesn’t think he feels anything. He just holds onto Regulus as long as he can, tightening his grip until he feels all his control give away. Words sit on his lips but he waited too long to say them. It’s always too late for him. Before he thought he wouldn’t be in his head if he became infected. He thought he would be dead the moment the bite dug into his skin, but that’s not true.
He’s there. Every second. He can’t do anything. He can’t control himself, but he’s there. He feels Regulus breathing beside him. He feels him lose control too. He sees the mall in front of him, out of the corner of his eyes. He sees the silence stretch around. There are no windows, he doesn’t get to see the sunrise one last time. That’s it. There’s nothing else. It’s quite disappointing really. The end.
It’s not a big thing. It doesn’t go out with a bang, like a comet crashing into the ground. It’s slow, and it’s painful, but really he doesn’t feel a thing. It’s an aching feeling. Reaching for more, always reaching, climbing. In the end, he feels nothing. Not even the beat of his heart.
~…~
“Come on, Moony,” Sirius drags him forward. “We’re gonna miss them.”
“They’re not going to leave until morning you know that,” Remus grumbles. “I can barely get James out of here every time we come.”
Sirius brushes him off, running forward, “We have to find them first. And that might take until morning so come on.”
He’s spent the last few days trying to find the best birthday gift for Regulus. Most years he’s had to deal with getting nothing. There’s not much to find around here. And Fedra is pretty locked up most of the time. There’s not a lot of ways he can sneak out of there. The older he’s gotten the easier it got. He’s figured out the best passages out of there. More like James taught them to him. But he got out this year, that’s all that matters. There’s this book Regulus has read so many times it’s practically falling off the spine. There’s a sequel but it’s nowhere. Regulus gave up ever being able to find it, but Sirius found a copy. It might be the last ever copy but he found it. After searching through countless libraries and bookstores to find it. It was pretty much impossible. A lot of them have succumbed to water damage so he couldn’t even read the titles. But he found it. And now he gets to see Regulus’ smile when he hands it to him. It’s been so rare these days. He’s grown to miss it.
“James!” Sirius calls out. “Reg!”
“Can you quiet down?” Remus asks.
“There’s nothing here,” Sirius tells him. “We’ve searched this place countless times.”
Remus pulls a face, “Maybe but—“
“Fine,” Sirius pulls his gun out from his pocket, holding it out. “Happy?”
“Delirious,” Remus deadpans.
Sirius laughs, looking over to him, “You love me.”
“I tolerate you.”
“Love you too,” Sirius opens his mouth to say more before he hears the groan he recognizes too well. He’s only fought infected a few times, but he’s heard enough to have the hairs on the back of his neck stand up when he hears it.
Without thought he pulls his gun up and takes two shots. They’re in front of a store he hasn’t been in before. The two infected are sitting on the floor, pretty easy to kill if he’s being honest, but the fear is still spreading across his body. It’s something he doesn’t think will ever go away, even if the encounter only lasted a second.
He lets out a breath of relief, “Fucking hell.” He looks back to Remus, “You’re gonna tell me you told me—“ his voice falls flat, “Moony?”
He’s turned all white, his breath uneven. Sirius has seen it before. Regulus gets panic attacks like this a lot. He hides under his bedsheets but Sirius hears him wheezing and joins him. Talking it out until he manages to fall asleep. Sirius holds onto Remus’ shoulders, “It’s okay. They’re dead. I got them.”
Remus shakes his head, “Sirius.”
“No, it’s,” when he turns back around quickly he catches a glimpse of red converse. He only knows one person who would wear them. Not easy to hide with. “No.” He can’t even look up, “No.”
“Sirius,” Remus whimpers.
Sirius throws his gun as he looks up. He can barely see their faces but he knows it’s them. Regulus’ curls fall in front of them, it’s a gift really, not being able to see their lifeless eyes. “No,” he whines. “No. No.” He rushes forward, not caring about getting sick. He’s not even sure if it can be transferred that way, he’s never really tested it.
He falls on his knees in front of them, grabbing their hands, needing to see the mark for himself. Maybe he made up the sound. Maybe he thought it was something else. Maybe. Maybe. May— he sees them. Their hands are still intertwined, even in death, and the bite marks are staring right at Sirius. He should’ve been here. He could’ve stopped this. James has never fought an infected before not really, Regulus hasn’t either. He’s not sure how that is, but they’ve been good at protecting themselves. They don’t run toward danger. That was always Sirius. It should’ve been him.
“No,” he tightens his grip on them as if that’ll somehow bring them back to life. “No.”
Remus is suddenly next to him, prying him away, “We have to go. There might be more.”
“Fuck it,” Sirius shouts pushing him away. “I’ll fucking get bit I don’t care.”
Remus shakes him trying to get him away, “You are not going to fucking get bit. You’re not leaving me.”
“But,” Sirius looks back over to them. Regulus slips down James’ shoulder, he sees a sliver of his face and it’s already enough to make him sick. He just killed his baby brother. His baby brother. It shouldn’t have mattered that he was infected. He could’ve found a cure, for him he would. “Give me the gun.”
“Sirius,” Remus warns, holding him tighter.
“Give me the fucking gun,” Sirius cries. “Let me do it. Please let me do it.”
“No,” Remus says forcefully, “We have to go.”
Remus stops him from being able to look another time. His eyes land on a pile of books by the door instead. Regulus will never be able to read those. He won’t be able to read his present either. He would’ve loved it. It’s all Sirius's fault. He fucking killed him. He killed both of them.
“We have to go,” Remus repeats, shoving Sirius away.
His tears fall from his cheeks but strangely he doesn’t feel it. He wishes he were bit too. He wants to die just like they did. He wants to go insane. He doesn’t care if he’s trapped in his own head. If he’d never have control of his body again. He doesn’t want control. He wants to be with them. He wants for death.
Remus keeps him steady, running him out of there before he can run back for the gun again. He doesn’t register it though. He’s right with Regulus and James. He’s in the Halloween store, trapped between its walls for the rest of his life. He killed his baby brother. He killed his best friend. He killed both of them without even looking, without thinking. He thought they were monsters. He was afraid of them. He was afraid of them.
He wants to go back. He wants to look at them one last time. Heal their wounds and bring them back home. He doesn’t care what happens to him. He’d protect them this time he’d save them this time.
“You know,” Remus speaks just as they reach the doors. “Maybe it’s better that they’re somewhere else, right? That they’re not just sitting in their heads.”
“You think they were still alive in there?” Sirius asks him.
Remus shrugs, “I don’t know.”
It’s all he says.
Sirius says nothing either.
He doesn’t know which one would be worse. There’s only one way for him to find out. And even though he wants to die he doesn’t want to go out that way. It’s one of the worst ways. And Regulus and James had to go through it. They had to hold each other as they slowly lost control of themselves. As they slowly slipped away.
Remus pushes open the door, keeping his grip on Sirius’ hand strong.
He’ll never step foot in that mall again.