Nothing worth me saying aloud

Lily was in big trouble. Between managing the camp, and dealing with all the counselors, she'd fallen behind on summer work. However, she really couldn't do anything other than stare at the girl across the room from her. Pandora was slipping on a pair of overalls as she headed out the door. Lily fought the urge to chase after her. Idiot. She'd see her soon enough, anyway. Pandora flashed a lovely smile at Lily.

"Come walk with me, Lils." She said softly.

Lily shot out of her bed embarrassingly fast, tripping over her nightstand and knocking over Pandora's crystals as she put her shoes on. Pandora giggled, light and high like a fairy. Lily blushed. 

"Sorry." She said sheepishly.

"Don't worry about it." Pandora shook her head, smiling. She grabbed Lily's hand and pulled her out the door. They were walking. Pandora usually left around 7:00 to take walks in the woods. Lily had never been on one, but their hands were still entangled, so she couldn't quite think straight. Pandora glanced at Lily, stopping for a moment. She pulled a little digital camera out of her overall pocket.

"You look pretty. Can I take a picture?" Lily's breath hitched.

"Um, yeah." She ran over to a tree, hugging it and smiling at her little silver digicam. Pandora chuckled softly at the picture. 

"It's cute." She said, flipping the camera around to show her.

"It is cute. Now my turn." Lily grabbed the camera.

"Lily, no. I'm meant to take pictures of you. I look rough right now." She groaned.

Lily contemplated a world where Pandora could look "rough", and she wasn't coming up with much.

She made a huffing sound. "You look ethereal. Come on, you're like a pixie. Let me take one."

"A pixie?" She seemed to contemplate it for a moment. "Fine."

"Go on, then. Be candid. Walk ahead of me." Lily directed with a wave of her arm.

Pandora giggled, walking ahead of her and grinning back at the camera. Her blond dreads practically sparkled in the light of the woods. Lily was properly fucked. Pandora made a kissy face at the screen, and Lily blushed. Pandora dropped her face, shaking her head.

"You get so red, sometimes. It's like your face gives you away."

Lily's eyes widened.

"What?" She whispered.

"You think I can't tell? Don't hide from me." Pandora whispered, walking right back into Lily's space. Lily swallowed.

"It's not what you think it is. I wouldn't-"

"What if I wanted you to?" Pandora tucked a piece of hair behind Lily's ear, fingers brushing her cheek. Lily thought she was going into cardiac arrest.

Pandora put her hand up to Lily's heart. 

"Can I?"

Lily just swallowed and nodded. Pandora placed her warm palm on Lily's chest.

"Your heart is going a million miles a minute. Are you ever going to let me kiss you?" Pandora grinned.

"What? I didn't think- holy fuck. Yes. Kiss me, you can kiss me. Anytime you-"

Pandora cut her off with her mouth. Of all the times Lily had imagined snogging Pandora, she never expected it to be this good. Pandora was gentle, and lovely, slipping her tongue into Lily's mouth and sucking on her bottom lip. Lily moaned softly, pulling away.

"Fucking hell." Lily panted.

Pandora gave her a lopsided grin, pressing their foreheads together.

"I like you, Lily Evans."

"The feeling is mutual." Lily rushed out, kissing her again.

***

Sirius was still asleep, lying all over Remus. It was 5:45, not even light out yet. They had breakfast duty in 15 minutes. Sirius burrowed deeper into the crook of his neck, huffing softly in his sleep. Sirius smelled like him. After all, he was wearing his jumper. There was something so lovely about petulant, dramatic Sirius, all bundled up in his jumper, just snoring in his arms.

"Pads," Remus whispered, lifting Sirius' head gently. Sirius blinked awake, immediately retreating into his favorite hiding spot, Remus' chest. He nuzzled back into Remus comfortably, words muffled by his boyfriend's shirt.

"No, moony. 5 more minutes, please." Remus smiled fondly at Sirius, but gently pushed him off.

"Sweetheart, we have fifteen minutes, and we all know you need that time to do your hair. So get up, hm?" He suggested, cupping Sirius' face to make him meet his eyes. Sirius leaned in for a kiss first, then finally climbed off Remus. 

"You're lucky I like you. Anyone else to wake me up this early would be subject to a screaming match." Sirius said, pulling off Remus' jumper. Remus grabbed his waist, pressing a kiss to his stomach. 

"Mhm, I like you too, Pads." He hummed into his boyfriend's skin.

"Moony, there are children in this cabin." Sirius hissed, gesturing towards their beds. Remus continued mouthing at his stomach, wrapping his arms tight around his waist. He was a hypocrite. He had just told Sirius to get off him, and now was clinging to the man for dear life. But really, could anyone blame him, when Sirius looked so precious with messy hair?

"Yes, yes. I know. Go change, sleeping beauty." Remus grumbled.

Sirius stuck his tongue out at him, before retreating into the bathroom.  

They set their stuff down in the kitchen, Sirius finally dressed in a pair of loose, baggy jeans, and a bowie tee. They hadn't announced their relationship to the camp, but returning campers could sense the vibes and had asked questions. They were comfortable holding hands and doing the regular couple things here at Bearclaw. The thought made Remus' heart soar. He was Sirius Black's boyfriend. 

"And what are you grinning about?" Sirius asked, leaning his face close to Remus.

"Nothing. So, what's on the menu today?" Remus changed the subject.

"Lily left the recipe on the table. We're making pancakes."

Remus nodded, heading towards the cupboard to pull out the ingredients. Once they had everything out, Sirius started mixing the batter (very badly).

"Fucking shit, Sirius. I know you grew up rich, but do you know how to fold batter?" 

"Well, why don't you do it then?" Sirius slapped the spatula down on the table, sending batter straight onto Remus' face. Remus broke out into a wicked grin, reaching for the spatula. Sirius' face fell, as he backed away from Remus.

"No, no Moony. Don't you dare fucking-" Remus caught him at the waist, turning him around in his arms. 

"Payback." He sang gleefully, smearing batter all over Sirius' face. Sirius yelped, shrieking like a little girl, but Remus' grip was strong.

"Moony! Moony, stop," Sirius whined. Remus dropped his hand.

"All done." He smirked, surveying his work. Sirius was covered in batter. 

"Fuck you." He grumbled, running to the sink to wash his face off.

Remus came up behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist. "What, you're not gonna help me out? Where's my cleanup? After all, you did get me messy." He whispered, lips brushing the shell of Sirius' ears. He felt Sirius shiver at the contact. Sirius turned around in his arms, reaching for a napkin. He gently wiped the spot of batter off Remus' face, kissing over it once it was clean for good measure. He still had a little scowl on his face, but Remus knew he'd never stay mad at him for long.

***

James plopped down into the mess hall, feeling like utter shit. Regulus hadn't looked him in the eye all morning, and god, he missed him. James knew it wasn't wise to continue this way. Regulus didn't even think of him like that, but it still stung. Pete and Lily were the first ones to get to the table.

"Mate, what's got you looking so down?" 

"Nothing. I'm fine." James snapped.

Peter's eyes widened, and he nodded, mouth tightening into a line.

"James," Lily warned.

"Oh, shit. Wormy, I'm sorry. It's not about you, I'm just tired. Thank you for caring, sorry I was a prat." He mumbled.

Peter looked up.

"Nah, don't worry about it, Prongs. Bet I know what'll cheer you up. Camp-wide movie night! Lily and I picked Moonrise Kingdom." He grinned.

James' face perked up, and Lily smiled. 

"Picked it 'cause I thought you needed some cheering."

"That's my favorite movie of all time. I fucking love you, Lils." James laughed, grabbing her forehead and pressing a firm kiss there. She promptly wiped his spit off and gagged.

"For the love of god, don't do that. You're scaring all the pretty lesbians away." It was Pete's turn to gag.

James saw Regulus push in his chair, and storm out of the mess hall. He instinctively bounced out of his chair and ran after him.

"Reg! Wait up." 

Regulus walked even faster, towards the path in the woods.

"Regulus! Where are you going? It's not safe in there alone."

"Oh piss off, Potter, I'm not a child." Regulus turned, eyes flashing. He wiped at his eyes aggressively, turning back around to keep walking. James caught his arm. He rubbed his thumb over the veins there. Regulus watched him wildly, not moving. His eyes sank shut as he took a deep breath.

"Please. Don't do that." He whispered, almost close to crying.

Oh fuck. James managed to do it again. Every single time he thought he was helping, he just made it worse. James quickly retracted his hand.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have touched you, I didn't ask." He whispered, shaking his head. Regulus clenched his jaw.

"It's fine. I'm fine. You didn't have to come after me. I'm being dramatic." He said, voice breaking.

"No, you're not. I don't know what you're sad about, but if it's bothering you, then it's not dramatic."

Regulus smiled sadly. "Thank you, James."

"What is going on? If you don't mind telling me?" James practically already knew, from hearing his conversation last night.

"My mum wants to take me out of camp. I'm not sure how much time I have left. There's nothing I can do since I still live with her. It's like, every minute I'm here, I'm reminded of the fact that I have to leave all this soon."

"Then don't."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Come live with me and Sirius. You're going to uni in the fall, that's right near our flat. We certainly have the space." James offered, hoping desperately that Regulus would agree.

"....Okay." Regulus nodded.

James surged forward, lifting Regulus off the ground and spinning him in a circle. Regulus shrieked and protested, but James was too happy to care. he set him down on the ground.

"Oh, fuck. I didn't ask. I'm sorry."

"James. It's fine. I would've punched you if it wasn't okay."

"You can, you know."

"Huh?"

"Punch me. Anytime, love."

"You're such an idiot," Regulus said, but the corners of his lips were turned up in a smile, so that was a win enough for James.

*** 

Regulus and James had walked back to the mess hall together. His plan to ignore James was failing. He couldn't stay away from the man for more than an hour. So, if he couldn't have all of James, he might as well have some. Self-destructive? Yes. Did James most likely fancy Lily? Yes. Would Regulus stop talking to him? No. In fact, now he was going to live with the man. 

Regulus was lying on his bed, lazily plucking his guitar strings when Pandora burst into his room. 

"Reg." She hissed.

He sat up in his bed, gesturing for her to sit down.

"What it is, Dora?"

"I snogged someone! And at first, I was like, oh my gosh that's nice. But then I was like, oh my god, I'm in love with her. And I don't think she realized that, during the snogging, but god it was nice. But she smelled so good, and tasted even better and I just-"

"Dora! That is something I don't need to hear. But you snogged a girl? Who?"

"She made me promise not to tell. Let me give you the play-by-play. So, she took a picture of me, and I blew a kiss to the camera. Then she got all red and I was like shit this is my chance, so I tell her. I'm like: I know what you're doing. You should probably let me kiss you. And she did!" 

"Shocker," Regulus muttered.

"Well, whoever this girl is I hope she's right for you. You deserve the best, Dora." He pulled her into a tight hug.

"Come with me to the movie? They're playing Moonrise Kingdom."

Regulus reluctantly took her hand and headed outside with her. It was dark, except for the tapestry of different colored sleeping bags littering the floor. Lily and Peter were setting up the movie screen, and Regulus laid his sleeping bag down. He propped some pillows up and grabbed his book. James' head popped into view.

"Whatcha reading?"

"Jesus, Potter, do you just appear out of thin air?" He yelped.

"I have my ways. What are you reading?"

"It's Tolkien. Lord of the Rings."

"Big fantasy fan, then?"

"No, but it's really quite gay, so I like it." Regulus snarked.

James barked out a loud laugh, clutching his belly and doubling over.

"That's how I was with Brokeback Mountain. Couldn't stop watching Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger makeout."

Regulus chuckled.

"You're sleeping on your feet like a horse, Ennis." He said, in a dramatic Western accent. James cackled loud enough for the entire camp to hear.

"Oh, hell. Never do that again, that's horrible." He said, wiping tears from his eyes.

"You wound me, Potter. I've been told I'm a great actor."

"Oh yeah? And who told you that?" James gave him a look.

"Shut it, let me read."

James leaned over his shoulder as he read. Regulus swatted him away.

"Would you stop that?"

"Read it to me, then."

“And people will say: "Let's hear about Frodo and the Ring!" And they will say: "Yes, that's one of my favorite stories. Frodo was very brave, wasn't he, Dad?" "Yes, my boy, the famousest of the hobbits, and that's saying a lot." "It's saying a lot too much,' said Frodo, and he laughed, a long clear laugh from his heart. Such a sound had not been heard in those places since Sauron came to Middle-earth. To Sam suddenly it seemed as if all the stones were listening and the tall rocks leaning over them.

James scooted into Regulus' space, leaning against his chest. Regulus forced himself to keep reading.

 But Frodo did not heed them; he laughed again. 'Why, Sam,' he said, 'to hear you somehow makes me as merry as if the story was already written. But you've left out one of the chief characters: Samwise the stouthearted. "I want to hear more about Sam, Dad. Why didn't they put in more of his talk, Dad? That's what I like, it makes me laugh. And Frodo wouldn't have got far without Sam, would he, Dad?" "Now, Mr. Frodo," said Sam, "you shouldn't make fun. I was serious."

"So was I," said Frodo…”

James rested his head on Regulus' shoulder. "You're right. It is quite gay." He chuckled. Regulus gently closed the book, tentatively wrapping an arm around James' shoulders. "Is this okay?" James asked, searching Regulus' face for a sign of discomfort. There wasn't any. Regulus was happy. "Yeah, Jamie. It's okay."

***

Sirius nestled into Remus' side, for the movie. Remus tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, sighing contentedly. "Hey, Pads? I wanna come out to our friends back home. To my parents, too." Sirius tensed. He had been on a high all week with Remus, knowing that eventually, Remus would realize that Sirius was stunted. That he didn't know how to love. "Sweetheart?" Remus nudged him with his shoulder. Sirius lept up and started towards the cabin, trying to postpone the inevitable. Sirius would tell him he wasn't ready, and Remus would want to break up.

"Pads! Sirius!"

Sirius ran into the cabin bathroom, locking the door. He heard Remus run in, and he started pounding on the door. "Sirius, what's going on? What happened? Can you please just unlock the door?"

Sirius reached up, slowly unlocking the door. Remus crouched beside him, cupping his face in his hands. 

"What's happened? Talk to me."

Here it was. It was time. He had to be cruel. So cruel that Remus wouldn't want him ever again.

"I don't want to come out with you. Or be seen with you, Remus. You're... you're not terribly important to me. So, yknow I wouldn't really like people knowing about this outside of camp."

Remus' eyes darkened. He shook his head.

"No, Sirius. I know what you're doing. You won't fucking trick me. You can't hurt me to get me to stop loving you, Pads." He yelled.

Loving you. Loving you. Loving you. Loving you. "Who in the world could love a son like you?" Walburga's voice echoed in his head.

"Loving? You love me?" Sirius' voice cracked, as he crumbled into his hands. Chest heaving with big, ugly sobs.

Remus pulled him into his chest. "Of course I do. How could I not? And, Pads. If you're not ready to come out, I would never force you. It was just a thought."

Sirius looked up from Remus' chest. 

"You're not going to break up with me?" He asked miserably.

"No, Sirius. Not that. Never that. I love you." He pressed a kiss to the top of Sirius' head.

"I'm sorry, Remus. I- I can't say it. I don't know how." He sobbed.

"You never had to say it, sweetheart. I just want you to know that you're loved. So loved. Don't forget it." He tightened his arms around Sirius. Everything would be okay.