Chapter 8
Sirius is awoken at six thirty in the morning on the twenty ninth by his phone ringing.
Groggy, and not quite sure which way is up he grabs it and puts it to his ear, grumbling unintelligibly into the receiver.
“Pads” came James’ voice. He sounded… scared, panicky. “Pads. fuck, Pads.”
Sirius sits up immediately. “What is it, Prongs? What's wrong?” he whispers, mindful of Remus’ sleeping form next to him.
“Lily’s having a fucking baby, Pads”
“What the actual fuck, James” Sirius hisses down the phone. “You have got to be kidding me, oh my god. Are you keeping it? Are you okay? Is Lily okay?”
“Yeah, yeah I think we are keeping it. Neither of us are okay, exactly. Lily’s crying right now. She’d been sick a lot these past few days, and mum just wordlessly slipped her a pregnancy test and we figured what's the harm but oh my god Pads there's a lot of harm. A whole fucking baby’s worth.”
“Oh my god Prongs. You’re gonna be a dad.” Sirius is giddy with excitement.
“Yeah pads, and you’re gonna be a godfather”
Sirius wells up at this. “No, James really? I’m gonna cry”
“Who else you tosser? You’re my brother and my best friend. Of course it’s you”
“Shitting hell, James. We’re gonna be fathers.”
“Yeah, yeah we are” James sounds more excited than scared now. Instinctively, Sirius reaches out a hand and runs it through Remus’ sleep-knotted hair, massaging his scalp softly.
“I’m going to ask her to marry me. I’ve chosen the ring, it’ll be ready for pick up just after new years. We’re actually doing this, Pads. making a go of it.”
“Oh, James.” the tears well up in Sirius’ eyes. “I’m so happy for you”
“I was also thinking of maybe asking Lily to move in with me, whether I go to her place or she comes to ours. I want to prove I'm serious about this, yeah?”
“God, yeah James whatever you both need. I’d be happy for her to live with us. We should probably discuss this all four of us though, when you’ve calmed down a bit. This will affect Rem too.”
“God, yeah of course, of course, I’m just- Sirius I called you the minute I saw the proof.”
“Jesus, James! Go comfort your girlfriend, and I’ll tell Rem. I love you” Sirius said, hanging up.
“Tell me what?” Remus asked, rolling over suddenly, curling up and dropping his head into Sirius’ lap.
“James and Lily are having a baby, my love” Sirius said softly.
Remus’s eyes widened and he scrambled to sit up. “They’re what?” he asked, panic in his voice.
“Having a fucking baby, Rem”
“Oh my god, Sirius. Oh my god.”
“I know, Rem. and I’m gonna be the godfather. And James is gonna propose”
“Oh my god, Sirius! I’m so happy for you. Wow. I finally feel like an adult” Remus said, shuffling closer to Sirius.
“I don’t think James does”
--
Sirius barely took in any of Bristol as he and Remus wandered round the small city, way too preoccupied by the thought of James’ baby.
Would it be a boy or girl? What would their name be? More importantly, what would Sirius’ special nickname for them be?
It was all too exciting.
He and Remus gushed over it all day, as well as discussing the impending change in their living arrangements.
Remus took Sirius to his favourite coffee shop in the afternoon, and was oddly quiet and pensive whilst they drank.
“Sirius, I was actually thinking…” he started off, looking nervous.
“Look, tell me if I’m way off the mark here, okay? But I think it would be best for James to move to our place, just because Lily will be undergoing the most stress in this situation, and I feel it would be unfair to ask her to move, right?”
“Yea, I agree” Sirius said, wondering where Remus was going with this.
“And so I was thinking, maybe I could move into your place? Give them some space, you know? And I know it’s early, so I would move all my stuff into James’ old room, so we each have our own space, but I just thought it made sense? If James and I just swapped over?”
“Honestly, I hadn’t given any serious consideration to you moving in, but I must admit that my initial reaction is to say yes. I mean, I want more time to think about it properly, and I’ll discuss it with James, but I really like you, Rem. I would like to live with you too” Sirius replied, hoping his response was diplomatic enough and not over-eager.
Now that Remus had brought it up, all Sirius wanted was to wake up to Remus every morning and fall asleep next to him every night. To his relief, Remus nodded and smiled warmly at Sirius.
“That's perfect, I wouldn't have wanted you to agree straight away. I really like you too, Sirius. Sharing a space with you would be really special.”
God, Sirius loved him.
--
They discussed it further on the train home; what it would mean in terms of rent, and would Remus be able to get to work easily, would James be able to get to work easily, etc.
That evening, the four of them convened at a local restaurant. Sirius embarrassingly cried a little as he hugged Lily and James, for which he was teased mercilessly.
Remus and Sirius then proposed their idea to the group, and as they ate they discussed the merits of doing the swap, and whether it would work financially and practically for everyone.
By the time they were eating dessert it was decided; James and Remus would swap, with the two couples moving into together before even six months of being together. It was daunting, scary. Sirius was so enamoured with Remus, and he would hate for moving in together too early to pull them apart if it didn't work out.
James was so excited by the prospect of moving in with his new family that he insisted they get started right away. That night, after dinner, Sirius was repeatedly woken up from his slumber by the sounds of banging and swearing as James packed up his worldly possessions into cardboard boxes that Sirius hadn’t even known James had owned.
That morning, he was grumpy and foul due to his tiredness, refusing to help James, instead watching him struggle alone as he drank tea; tea that he had refused to also make for James.
He texted Remus and Lily various pictures of James in distress as he packed his whole life up, ready to move the mere 10 minute bus ride away.
It was a bittersweet feeling. He adored James with all his heart and soul; the idea of not living with him anymore felt almost like grieving the loss of a loved one.
Though he would never admit to it, Sirius often fantasised about he and James growing old in this flat together, pottering around each other, living their lives independently, but side by side always.
This uncertain new future where a wife and child meant that Sirius was no longer James first priority was a scary one. If lily had been anyone else, Sirius would probably be spiralling back into his old bad habits, unable to endure the idea of such a monumental change, but Lily was Lily, and he loved her too. He also recognised that she needed support more than anyone else in this situation, and if losing James meant helping her, then lose James he would.
Because also…. He wasn’t just losing James. He was gaining Remus- and, in nine months, a godson- and wasn’t that just amazing?
Part of the reason that Sirius envisioned he and James growing old together was because Sirius was unable to picture a world in which somebody loved him so utterly and completely that they would want to spend the rest of their lives with him.
That Remus had suggested this meant he had to want it, and that bubbly warm feeling inside Sirius whenever he thought about the fact that this move was proof of the fact that Remus wanted him- really wanted him- far outweighed the grief of losing James as a flat mate.
Because he knew he could never lose James as a best friend.
—
The day of the move dawned grey and drizzly. It was mid January, possibly the coldest time of the year, and the weather was truly miserable.
Sirius stood on the doorstep, wrapped in a massive fleece he had ‘borrowed’ from James’ dad at Christmas as he watched James load all his boxes into the back of the moving van they had hired.
The plan was then for the van to drive to Lily and Remus’ place, where James would unpack, Remus would then load his belongings into the van, which would drive back to James and Sirius’ place, so Sirius had two trips in the van to look forward to. He just hoped it had heating.
Finally, James was done, and Sirius helped him load his wardrobe into the back of the van before they climbed into the front.
They chatted amiably with the driver as they went.
Sirius could feel James vibrating with excitement next to him at the prospect of finally being able to live with his beloved Lily.
He hadn’t proposed yet- the ring was in his pocket. He had shown it to Sirius that morning. It was simple, a golden band with a small pearl embedded in it, and the word ‘Love’ engraved on the inside.
Sirius had choked up a tiny bit when he’d seen it, but no one needed to know that.
Once there, Remus came out and helped Sirius and James unload James’ stuff and carry it up the stairs to the flat, where Lily was waiting with a pile of boxes that were clearly Remus’s.
She looked pale, and though she was smiling it didn’t reach her eyes. Sirius could clearly see the stress she was going through. He could not imagine how tough unplanned pregnancy must be, especially so early on into a relationship.
It ruined the natural progression of a relationship; it should have gone move in together>get married>have a baby, but now it was get pregnant>move in together> get married.
Of course, this was an old fashioned view of relationships, and arguably also very heteronormative, but it provided a clear and comforting structure to follow, and deviating from this structure was clearly weighing on Lily.
She lit up when she saw James though- a sight that warmed Sirius’ heart.
Then, for the sake of not inconveniencing the moving man, it was immediately on to carrying Remus’ stuff downstairs and loading the van, and then off back to Sirius and James- now Sirius and Remus’-flat.
The sadness of James leaving was immediately swept away when Sirius watched Remus heave his boxes- considerably less than James had had- into the van. He then took his guitar with him to sit up at the front, with Sirius next to him. It was exhilarating- not just that he was moving in with his significant other, but also that Remus himself was so excited about this, too. That Remus wanted this.
That night, Sirius and Remus drank wine and ate Chinese takeaway curled up on the sofa together. Sirius didn’t feel happy, per se. It was not the wide grins and exhilaration he associated with the word ‘happiness’ but he felt content.
Pure contentment. There, on the sofa with Remus, eating crispy peeking duck with his bare hands, he was content. There was no where else on earth Sirius would rather have been in that moment, not even with James.
Content.
That’s when he said it. He turned and looked up at Remus, eyes drinking in the sight of the man that was all his.
“I love you, Rem” he half-whispered, voice soft but no less strong in its conviction.
“Oh, Sirius. I think I’ve loved you since the first night you spent on my floor” Remus responded, and god but Sirius could have cried.
He was loved, now. Content, and Loved