flirting with them, but telling me you're mine
Remus had always rather liked Halloween. James and Sirius had always been completely mad about it, going all out with their costumes, but Remus just enjoyed the simple pleasure of being someone else for the day. Though this year, after spending the last few weeks avoiding Sirius, he wasn’t all that excited about the Gryffindors’ annual Halloween party.
Throughout the last 3 weeks, Remus had seen the inside of quite a few broom closets and hidden alcoves. He still hated the attention, but it was nice to be around someone besides Sirius. He hadn’t thought he could enjoy snogging someone that wasn’t him. And if he sometimes imagined that Darcy’s lips were Sirius’s, or that Hugo’s blue eyes were brown, or that the strong hand that skimmed up and down his back was someone else’s, well– everyone did that, right?
The party was already in full swing when Remus arrived. He’d hung back in his dorm, driving out Sirius from his usual late entrance. Remus welcomed Sirius’s avoidance – he had needed a few minutes to himself before he stepped into the lion’s den. Before he could even grab a drink, he was tackled by a not-so-sober Lily.
“Remus! You look great!”
Remus blushed. He rather liked his costume this year. He’d decided to copy an outfit of Freddie Mercury’s that Oliver had shown him weeks ago. It wasn’t too out there – just a white tank top he’d stolen from James, some jeans, and a leather belt he’d Transfigured – but he thought he’d gotten it down. Mary, who had heard him talking about the costume the week before, insisted on doing his hair and makeup. Remus, who valued his life, reluctantly agreed. She’d put some gel in his hair, making it look even crazier than usual, and lightly lined his eyes with some sort of brown eyeliner. She’d kept it simple, and he appreciated it.
“Thanks, Lils. You look lovely, too.”
And she did. Lily had convinced Mary and Marlene to dress up like ABBA, and Lily was dressed in a flared white jumpsuit. Her green eyes were sparkling as she tugged Remus forward.
“Come on, Rem! You have to see all three of us together,” she said, searching for Mary and Marlene.
They stood near the drinks, looking every bit as great as Lily. Mary wore a jumpsuit similar to Lily’s, except dark orange, and it made her dark skin glow. Marlene had gone a different route, dressed in a loose white suit, her blonde hair tied up in some complicated-looking contraption.
Remus beamed at them. “You look beautiful, Mary. And Marls, you look fucking cool.”
As they replied with their thanks and compliments, Remus heard an unmistakable voice behind him, calling out to Mary for a dance. Sirius.
Remus turned, terrified of what he’d see. Sirius always went all out for Halloween, and he always looked good.
Fuck. Remus could handle Sirius’s outrageous costumes. Last year, he’d gone as Aladdin Sane, lightning bolt and all. But this was somehow worse, but Sirius looked almost like himself. He’d obviously gone for a Black Sabbath kind of look. He wore tight, flared black jeans and a tight black tank top. His black leather jacket was discarded on the sofa, but his neck and arms were adorned with simple silver (fake, Remus knew – always fake for him) jewelry. Something about the simplicity of it, his easy confidence made him all the more attractive. It was just so unexpected and so Sirius at the same time.
He turned to Marlene. “I need to be drunk.”
___
Remus loved being drunk.
Normal Remus hated crowds. He hated dancing. He hated attention.
To be honest, drunk Remus wasn’t all that different.
But for Remus, whose mind was an endless jumble of thoughts, being drunk was a bit of peace. He wasn’t Remus, the werewolf or Remus, the prefect. He was just Remus. Remus without all the what-ifs and overwhelming thoughts. Remus who could just exist.
And so, four shots in, Remus could confidently say that drunk Remus had arrived. Not uncontrollably drunk Remus - that came after his fifth shot and a second spliff. Tonight, though, with Sirius looking like that, he needed to retain some of his control. He couldn't stop staring at Sirius's neck. The chains that framed his collarbones. The way his throat bobbed as he downed a shot. The easy smile that spread over his lips as he talked to James. Remus really needed to distract himself.
He had been practicing the flirting tips that Barty had been throwing at him, though he’d rather die than admit that he’d used Barty’s help. He was nestled in the corner with Greyson Waters, a seventh-year Hufflepuff who Remus had met in the library. Greyson was laying it on thick and Remus knew if he suggested they leave together, Greyson would say yes in a heartbeat. And though that’s what he’d been doing the past few weeks, it felt wrong to do it here, right in front of Sirius. You don’t owe Sirius anything, he chided himself. But knowing Sirius, if he saw them he’d do something stupid, like hex Greyson, and Remus didn’t want to deal with that at the moment. So instead, Remus settled for small touches to quell his hunger for touch. Recently, he’d been more touch-starved than ever, as if snogging Henry had awakened something within him - something animal. Yet no matter how many blokes he shagged, it didn’t go away. His stupid heart was probably waiting for Sirius.
“Remus?” Greyson prodded, and Remus realized he had completely missed what Greyson had said.
“Hm? What’d you say?” Remus touched his arm and smiled at him encouragingly, but from the way Greyson flushed, he suspected it had come off as more of a flirty smirk. He’d recently realized that maybe Lily was right about his unknowing flirting. He didn’t mean to, but he supposed his attempts at friendliness came off as a little more.
“I was wondering if you wanted to get some air,” replied Greyson, a suggestive look in his blue eyes. He leaned closer, pinning Remus against the wall. Greyson was one of the few boys in the castle who stood taller than Remus.
Oh.
Remus knew it was a bad idea. Not here, not in front of Sirius. He was trying to make Sirius angry, sure, but snogging Greyson right in front of him? That was a death wish.
“Uh– I think Marlene is waving at me. Sorry!” Turns out Remus’s so-called suaveness couldn’t get him out of awkward situations.
Maybe it was the alcohol, or the overwhelming thought of Sirius in his mind, but something within him gave in, and he plopped down next to Sirius on the sofa. Sirius turned to him in surprise.
“Hi, Padfoot,” Remus said casually, as if they hadn'y barely spoken outside of “Morning” and “Toast?” the past few weeks.
“Hi Mo–” Sirius closed his mouth. “Hi, Remus. Nice costume.”
"Yours, too. Black Sabbath?" Sirius nodded.
They sat there for a bit in comfortable silence, watching the crowd in front of them dancing.
“So, who was that guy you were talking to?” And Remus could tell he was trying his best to be casual.
“Greyson Waters. He’s a Hufflepuff.” Remus had always been unusually coherent while drunk, so his speech was clear.
“Oh. Nice.” Sirius glanced at him, then looked away uncomfortably.
“Are you dating?”
“No.”
“You seemed... close.”
“Do we need to do this again, Sirius?”
Sirius looked down, resignedly.
“Sirius?”
Sirius glanced up at him, his dark eyes peering through his curls. Remus had missed his eyes.
“Wanna dance?” Remus asked.
Sirius stared at him in confusion. “But you hate dancing?”
“I’m four shots in.”
“Oh,” Sirius replied, finally cracking a small smile. “I should’ve known I was talking to drunk Remus.” He said it a little sadly, as if drunk Remus was a different person than normal Remus. As if he’d rather be talking to normal Remus.
Remus grabbed Sirius’s hand pulling him up and leading him towards the dance floor (or rug, rather).
“What song is this?” Sirius screamed over the music.
“One of Lily’s ABBA songs.” Remus actually knew exactly what song it was, but he’d never admit that. He was too much of a music snob.
As they approached the middle of the dance floor, Sirius was attacked by Mary and Marlene, who pulled him away to dance. Remus found himself standing alone on the floor.
“All alone, Lupin?”
Remus turned. It was Barty, grinning at him devilishly.
“What are you playing at, Crouch?”
Barty leaned in to whisper in Remus’s ear. “Help me make someone jealous?”
Remus craned his head, searching for who Barty could possibly want to annoy. Ah. A very angry Evan Rosier was glowering at them. Well, at Barty, rather. How long had that been going on? Remus had always suspected it, but he never thought Evan would realize it himself. Or maybe he hadn’t yet.
Remus turned back to Barty, arching a brow. “You’re using me to piss off one of my best friends?”
“I have no idea who you’re talking about.”
“Mhm. Evan looks like he wants to kill me right now.”
Barty blushed. Huh, Remus didn’t know Barty could get flustered. He was going to have fun teasing Evan about this.
“Are you gonna help me or not?” Barty grumbled, glancing back anxiously at Evan.
Remus didn’t dance, yes, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t. He pulled Barty in close, inviting Barty to loop his arms around Remus’s neck. They moved together to the music, Remus leaning his head back as Barty ran his hands up and down Remus’s chest.
Remus grinned in amusement. “You’re really laying it on thick, huh? Don’t torture him, Barty.”
Barty leaned back to smirk at him. “I’m sorry, who was the one dangling their conquests in Sirius’s face for the past month?’
They kept dancing, slowly moving closer together, their hips pressing against one another.
“That was different,” Remus informed him. “I did it because Sirius was out of line, not because it would make him jealous. He doesn’t see me like that.”
“Sure, that’s why he’s boring holes into your back right now.”
Remus turned to look, but Barty caught his chin, forcing his face back towards him.
“Uh-uh, Remus. I thought you didn’t care what Sirius thought?”
“I don’t,” Remus bristled.
As the song ended, Remus stepped back from Barty, glancing nervously at Evan.
“You better go comfort Evan. He looks like he’s about to hex me. I’ve practiced Stinging curses with him and I do not want to be on the receiving side of that.”
As Barty left him, Remus felt eyes on him. He turned, finding Sirius in front of him.
“Crouch, really?”
A new song started - a slower ballad, one of Mary’s favorite Aretha Franklin songs. Remus, emboldened by the firewhiskey and the adrenaline high from dancing, reached out and pulled Sirius in, looping his arms around Sirius’s waist.
Sirius’s eyes widened, but he settled his arms around Remus’s neck.
“Bloody giant. I can barely reach your shoulders,” Sirius muttered.
Remus said nothing, his eyes glazing over as he relished in the warmth of being drunk, and the feeling of Sirius’s body against his.
“Barty, Remus, really? You could do better than him.”
Remus stilled for a moment, considering Sirius’s statement. Sirius really did sound like a jealous boyfriend. Could it be–? No. Remus swallowed, remembering the people Sirius normally fancied. Beautiful, graceful, and confident. No, Sirius would never fancy Remus.
But Remus’s reason wasn’t as strong when he was drunk, and so, though he knew that Sirius could never be into him, he leaned down to whisper in Sirius’s ear.
“Jealousy isn’t a good look on you, Black.”
He felt Sirius’s body shiver at the touch, just as it had that one morning in the Great Hall. That was two times now that Sirius had reacted to Remus’s touch. That had to mean something, right? Although, Sirius was chronically touch-deprived, so it was probably just that.
Remus slid his hands lower, resting them on Sirius’s hips. Remus inhaled sharply when his fingers met a strip of bare skin between Sirius’s jeans and his top. He pulled him in just a little closer, a chill running through him where their bodies connected. Merlin. Now he would have to go on knowing how their bodies fit together. How Sirius’s head could lay in the crook of Remus’s neck. How their hips slotted together perfectly, like two broken halves clicking together.
The song was over too soon. Or maybe not soon enough. Remus stepped back looking Sirius in the eyes. Sirius stared right back at him.
“I missed you, Mo- Remus.”
Remus smiled. “I missed you too, Pads.”
There was something left unsaid, something that scared Remus. But, the coward that he was, he let it be.
“I’m sorry for being such an arsehole the past few months, You can snog whoever you want, Remus. You deserve someone good.”
“It’s alright, Sirius.”
“I’ll stop acting like a jealous git, I swear. I think I just was worried about losing a Marauder,” he laughed weakly.
Oh. Of course that’s what it was. Sirius didn’t want to lose a friend, a Marauder. He would’ve done the same for James or Peter. Remus hadn’t been special.
“Yeah, of course. And anyways, you’ve always been the real heartthrob. Now that you don’t have to worry about me, you can go back to snogging Lydia Johnson.” Remus punched Sirius on the arm playfully, as if it didn’t break his heart to do so.
“Sure, Remus.” Sirius smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes.
___
That night, Remus lay in bed, shivering. This is why he didn’t usually get so drunk. Though it was fun in the moment, without a spliff to calm him down, his mind raced as he came down. Normally, Sirius would crawl into bed with him, but they had just struck an uneasy alliance. And, frankly, being too close to Sirius right now might make him combust. Or do something even worse, like kiss him.
“Remus?” Sirius called out softly, and Remus realized he was right outside Remus’s curtains. He drew them back. James and Peter were sleeping soundly in their beds, curtains drawn.
“Sirius?” he asked confusedly.
Sirius smiled at him sheepishly and all Remus could think was I am so in love with this man.
“I thought you might want some company? I know how you get after a party.”
And Remus just about fell in love with him all over again. How would he ever find someone like Sirius? Someone who could just read him, who knew all of his flaws and quirks and always, always knew what to do.
Remus shifted over, making space for Sirius. As Sirius slid in under the covers, his leg caught Remus’s. It was a hot night and both boys were dressed in shorts. Remus’s calf tingled at the touch. He turned over onto his side, his eyes met with Sirius’s. Sirius blinked at him, uncertain. He was so close. If Remus moved just one inch forward, he could–
“Mo– Remus?”
Remus swallowed. “Sirius?” His voice came out low and scratchy. Merlin, how much more obvious could he be? He might as well wear a sign that said ‘I’m in love with Sirius Black!”
“Do you actually like the blokes you’re shagging?”
Remus hadn’t expected him to ask that. Somehow, Sirius always managed to surprise him.
“Do you like everyone you shag, Sirius? I find it hard to believe you fancy half of the castle.”
Sirius’s voice was quiet, but frustrated. “Haven’t you noticed I haven’t snogged anyone in ages?”
Remus racked his mind. It was true, he realized. He hadn’t heard any whispered tales of Sirius’s sexual prowess in weeks.
“Why not, Pads?”
Sirius looked him in the eye before glancing down, an unreadable expression on his face.
“Haven’t felt like it, I suppose.”
“Oh.”
“You didn’t answer my question.”
No, he hadn’t. To be honest, he didn’t fancy anyone he had shagged the past month. They were all just excuses, ways to get over Sirius. But he couldn’t exactly tell Sirius that. Sirius, who saw him as just a fellow Marauder.
“No, I suppose not.”
Sirius looked at him, asking him to continue.
“It’s nice to be around people who don’t know me. Who want me. I can just be Remus, not a dangerous creature. I can be normal.”
“Why would you want to be normal, Remus?”
“Not a lot of wizards are on the market for a gay, angry werewolf.”
“You could never be normal, Remus. You’re extraordinary.” Sirius didn’t meet Remus’s eyes while he spoke, instead focusing on some spot below his neck that Remus couldn’t pinpoint.
Remus wasn’t quite sure how to respond, so he flopped onto his back, staring at the ceiling.
Sirius was drunk, he remembered. Sirius always spewed nonsense when he was drunk. He wouldn’t even remember what he’d said in the morning.
“Sirius?”
“Yeah, Remus?”
“I miss you calling me Moony.”
Remus could hear Sirius smile.
The last thing he heard before he fell asleep was “Goodnight, Moons.”