you don't know what it means to me
“Sirius?” Remus asked again.
Sirius stared at him like he’d never seen Remus before.
Remus sighed. “Sirius, I know why you don’t approve of Oliver.”
Sirius’s entire demeanor shifted, standing up abruptly from where he was leaning against the door jam.
“Remus, it’s not what you thin-”
“It’s because of the werewolf thing, isn’t it?”
Sirius looked at him blankly, before quickly recovering.
“Ye- Yeah. The werewolf thing.” Sirius chuckled halfheartedly.
“I’ve thought about it too, you know? Obviously I know I can’t date anyone for too long. I just want to be able to feel normal for a while.”
At that, Sirius looked up from the floor, finally meeting his eyes. Remus felt a shiver run through his body. Sirius’s gaze softened.
“Of course I understand, Moony. I do want you to be happy, more than anything.”
That just made Remus more confused. Why was he acting like this then? One minute he’d smile and give Remus his blessing, and the next he’d freak out on him.
“Sirius, do you have a problem with me being gay?” he asked lightly. Remus knew it was unfair, since Sirius wasn’t straight himself, but Remus couldn’t think of anything else at that point. There was no other logical explanation for why Sirius was acting like this.
“O- Of course not!” Sirius stammered, “I’m happy for you really! You deserve a great guy!”
Sirius plastered a smile on his face that was quite obviously fake, and Remus wasn’t entirely satisfied. But he was too tired from the afternoon to care.
“Okay.” he said simply.
Sirius spoke tentatively, moving closer to Remus. Instinctively, Remus shifted back in his bed, putting distance between them.
“How long have you played the guitar?”
Remus blushed. He had forgotten Sirius had heard him play. The guitar had become something private for him, a way to escape. In that way it was a lot like reading. He would forget about his anger and retreat into his own mind.
“Henry taught me this summer.”
“Oh,” Sirius looked uncomfortable, “that’s nice.”
They sat for a minute in uncomfortable silence. Remus stared into Sirius’s face, trying to figure out what the boy was thinking. Sirius had always been an enigma, but never to Remus. Remus had always been able to read him naturally. But lately, Sirius had been different. He’d always had a quick fuse, but Remus watched him act irrationally angry, stomping around the castle and blowing up on him. And he couldn’t figure out why. Nothing had changed since before the summer. So why could Sirius barely talk to him unless provoked?
“Moony-”
“Yes?” Remus answered, gazing into Sirius’s eyes before he could finish.
Sirius swallowed, and Remus watched the motion of his throat. Then he forced his eyes back up to meet Sirius’s, which blinked at him for a long moment.
“D’you think you could play for me again?”
And in spite of himself, Remus smiled.
“Sure, Sirius. What can I play?”
“Know any Queen?”
“Always.”
Sirius settled at the foot of Remus’s bed, curling up into a ball so that his hair fell over his face. All Remus could see was his eyes peeking out from under the strands, watching Remus intently. As Remus began to play the chords to ‘Love of my Life’, Sirius’s eyes closed softly and Remus cursed himself for not learning another Queen song. It was cruel to play this song so close to Sirius, knowing Sirius would never love him the way Remus did.
Sirius’s eyes opened lazily.
“Could you sing?”
Sirius was going to be the death of him. He couldn’t say no to those dark eyes. Sirius could have dragged Remus to the ends of the earth, straight into the lion’s den, and it wouldn’t have mattered, because he was with Sirius. Lying here with Sirius made every full moon, every silver scar seem inconsequential. He would’ve done it a million times over again if it meant having even one moment with Sirius.
Remus didn’t think it was healthy to love someone so much. And though he told Oliver that he’d try, he couldn’t imagine a world where he didn’t love Sirius. Every bone in his body was Sirius’s. All his smiles and all his tears belonged to no one but Sirius Black. But staring down at Sirius’s pleading eyes, he knew he couldn’t. It hurt to be in Sirius’s presence, hurt to breathe knowing that he could never love him. And he wished he could forget Sirius, but knew that even if he obliviated himself a thousand times over, he could never truly forget the way the air felt when Sirius was near him.
And with that Remus realized that he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t be near Sirius, not when he was trying to move on. If he wanted to survive, he needed to stop giving in to Sirius, no matter the fact that when Sirius was in the room, Remus belonged to him. The minute Remus got too close, Sirius was inevitable. And so, Remus realized, the only solution was to run. He wasn’t proud of it, but he knew that there was no other way.
“I-, I need to go return a book to the library.”
To put it simply, Remus ran.