It was a complete accident that Remus will probably end up regretting for the rest of his life.
There was a party. There were drinks. And there was Sirius.
It was all a mess from the start when Sirius sat down at breakfast and announced he had a date for the party. He never brings a date to parties, let alone announces it at the table full of people.
Remus immediately felt his heart drop the same way it always did when he saw Sirius with someone else. He’s felt that way since they first met, it probably wasn’t going away anytime soon.
He’d grown so used to hiding his feelings that he knew exactly how to just nod and pretend it’s nothing, even if it felt like everything at that moment.
He tried to make himself forget about it all day, but that feeling in the pit of his stomach only seemed to grow as his mind wandered, thinking about who this girl was and how long she and Sirius had known each other and what they possibly could have done together and how long they would be together and what they would do together at the party.
Remus just couldn't get his mind to shut up about it, even when he’s doing everything he can.
When the party starts, Remus thinks he can keep his eyes away from Sirius, but of course when Sirius walks out of their room making his “grand entrance” Remus’ eyes are glued to him. The silk shirt he’s wearing and how exposed his chest is, the pants and how tight they fit on his body, and the fact that he doesn’t look at Remus once.
When Sirius has made his way down the stairs, he’s immediately latching onto a group of girls dancing in the center of the room. Remus is sure Sirius’ date is among them and he tries desperately to stop himself from picking apart who it must be. He has to force his eyes away from the group when he hears Peter next to him, asking if he wants more to drink.
As the night goes on, Remus’ efforts to ignore Sirius completely continue. He drinks with James and Peter and dances (or tries to at least) in the corner of the room, not drawing any attention to himself.
Maybe that’s why Sirius and him make no sense; they’re complete opposites.
Halfway through the night Remus tells Peter and James he’ll go get them all refills, hoping to slip away for just a few minutes beforehand so he can be alone. Luckily for him, on his way through the crowd he doesn’t even see a glance of Sirius, not that he’s trying to find him or anything.
It isn’t until he’s calmly refilling his friend’s drinks that he feels Sirius, like his body can just tell when he’s around.
“Hey,” Sirius whisper-yells in Remus’ ear, causing him to jump slightly, “sorry, I just haven’t seen you all night.”
“You weren’t looking then,” Remus shrugs and this somehow has Sirius laughing with his eyes on the floor, that stupid grin on his face.
When he looks back up, their eyes lock that everyone in the room seems to freeze, maybe time itself has frozen. Because for the first time, Remus feels like Sirius is really looking at him, not just glancing for a moment, but studying him.
“Maybe you’re right,” Sirius says, his gaze never moving.
Remus takes a sip of his drink and doesn’t say anything else, not fully convinced this isn’t just in his imagination. But Sirius is taking Remus’ cup from his lips and turning it so he can test whatever it is, pulling a face afterwards.
“God, you have awful taste,” he gags and Remus is laughing so hard, he doubles over with his hands on his stomach, all while Sirius tells him it’s not funny. “Seriously, how the fuck do you drink that?”
“It’s good,” Remus says as his laughter die down, still letting out small bursts of it when he remembers the look on Sirius’ face.
“It’s no—stop laughing!”
That only makes him laugh harder, which results in Sirius crossing his arms and pouting dramatically.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Remus says when he’s done with his laughter for the time being, hoping he can pocket the feeling and save it for later.
“Mhmm,” Sirius hums and looks away, but he doesn’t stay like that forever because soon his eyes are back to studying Remus’ with a grin on his face.
The music gets louder and the room does with it, so it’s almost impossible for Remus to hear it when Sirius quietly says, “I lied.” If Remus’ eyes weren’t already planted on Sirius' face, he would have missed it completely.
“About?”
Sirius takes his time leaning closer to Remus’ ear and Remus watches every move, his breath hitching at the closeness. Have they ever been this close before?
“I don’t have a date.” Sirius says.
Every bone in Remus’ body feels like it’s been set on fire and there’s no way of stopping it now. He’s smiling and hoping that, when Sirius pulls away, he can’t see just how happy that confession makes him.
“Why’d you lie?” Remus finds himself asking, but Sirius doesn’t explain that there, he looks around for a moment before grabbing Remus’ arm and dragging him further from the noise, further from the people. When they're in their room, just the two of them, Remus feels himself beginning to shake with anticipation.
“Do you remember who I danced with at the last party?” Sirius asks.
Remus does—it was Emmeline Vance—but he doesn’t say that, he just nods and watches as Sirius sweeps the room, as if he's making sure they truly are alone.
“I saw you looking at me,” he says and Remus momentarily thinks this might be some sort of confrontation, like Sirius knows but just wants Remus to admit it. “I liked it,” Sirius finally stops looking around the room so he can look at Remus. “I liked that in a room full of people you were looking at me.”
I always look at you, Remus doesn’t say.
“I wanted to see if you still would and I thought my chances were higher if I had a date,”
“You wanted to make me jealous?” Remus blurts out, not even thinking about the implications.
“Maybe,” Sirius rocks on his heels, smiling before moving closer to Remus.
It isn't the response he was expecting at all. Maybe Sirius is the one who’s confessing everything right now, not trying to get Remus to do it.
When he’s only a few inches from a frozen Remus, he whispers, “Did it work?” and that alone seems to kick Remus awake, doing something he never thought he’d even find the courage to. It’s so quick, neither have time to think about it before they’re kissing.
Remus’ brain seems to short-circuit, the only thing on his mind being Sirius and how long he’s waited for this moment and how he hopes it never ends. He’s taking every bit of it in and trying to make sure it’s imprinted in his memory, so it can’t slip away from him.
He wants to keep this moment forever.
Unfortunately, it’s short-lived and it takes a few seconds for Remus to realize why Sirius has pulled away from him so quickly, why he’s stepping back like he’s just scared himself.
There was a knock at the door, but Remus doesn’t even care, not until he sees how much Sirius does.
He’s still frozen in place when Sirius is leaving the room, not sure what happened and if it will ever happen to him again.
~~
They don’t talk about it for days, actively avoiding each other any chance they can—well, Sirius is avoiding Remus any chance he can. They don’t look at each other, but try to make it seem as natural as they can when they’re around their friends, clearly not wanting to raise any suspicion.
Remus understands it completely, he really does, he just wishes they could have a conversation about it at least. For the first time Remus has gotten what he’s wanted and it was ripped from him the same night. It’s just not fair.
He’s gone over the whole night over and over again, trying to find what parts he must have misread. Sirius wanted Remus to be jealous, was it wrong of him to assume that meant something more?
When they all sit down for breakfast, Sirius doesn’t look at Remus, his eyes are just on his food like he’s trying to individually pick out every part of the meal and memorize it. All Remus wants is just a glance at this point, just a small smile—or even no smile, he’ll take a vacant look as long as it’s in his direction.
And then, almost as if Sirius has read Remus’ mind, he brushes his shoe against Remus’ to get his attention. This has his head popping up so fast, you would think someone just called his name from across the room.
When his eyes land on Sirius, he takes a beat before looking back and then he’s nodding toward the door. It’s a gesture that would mean “follow me” or “meet me outside,” but Sirius isn’t making any effort to move, too busy picking apart his eggs.
Remus just gives up then and walks out, hoping Sirius would follow him.
He doesn’t and Remus is on his way back to their dorm to just hide for a while, maybe sleep until he has to go to class, anything to get his mind off of it.
He’s just about there, too, when he hears footsteps behind him and recognizes them, something that you can only do once you've spent nights in the same room as someone, listening when they wake up. He doesn’t turn around, though, and Sirius doesn’t ask him to. He just follows Remus until they’re both alone in their dorm again.
“Hi,” Sirius says, looking down at his feet like he’s embarrassed to be having this conversation at all.
“Hi,” Remus echoes, feeling just as embarrassed for having kissed Sirius.
“I’m sorry,” they both say at the same time, looking at each other and smiling. Something about that alone makes Remus feel safe.
“I don’t know what came over me, so I’m sorry,” Remus says before Sirius can get to his apology.
“No, you didn’t do anything wrong,” He says, making Remus smile immediately.
Now or never. He thinks. It’s the perfect time to tell Sirius—while they’re having this conversation.
The thought of saying the words out loud makes Remus’ stomach flip, his hands shaking the same way they did the other night when they were alone together, standing in the same spot they are now.
It takes a while for him to get the words out of his mouth, but soon he’s letting out a sigh of relief and starting to say, “Good, because I just have to tell you—,”
“I just want to move past this, you know? I mean, you’re one of my best friends, Remus,” he says and oh. “I would hate it if we let that other stuff get in our way.”
Remus freezes, his mouth slightly opened, still formed around the words I want to be more than friends. Words he can never speak now. His stomach feels like it’s been turned inside out and his breakfast might make its way back up, but somehow he’s nodding his head quickly and without control.
Sirius reaches out and grasps Remus’ shoulder and the spark he normally feels when they touch feels dulled down by the pain. It’s like the pain is a shield around him that not even Sirius can break. He created it.
“What’d you want to say?”
Remus hates the way Sirius’ eyebrows raise and his head tilts like he’s genuinely so interested in whatever it is Remus has to say next.
What does Remus even have to say next?
He isn’t sure how long it takes him to form words, but eventually he’s telling Sirius, “It’s nothing, just a homework thing. I actually meant to ask James.” He forces himself to laugh with it and hopes Sirius thinks it’s genuine, though he knows it sounds strained.
“Okay, Moony,” he releases his hold on Remus’ shoulder and maybe that was the only thing actually holding him up, because at the nickname Remus feels like he might just crumble into the floor before Sirius turns away and walks out the door with that same skip in his step like he didn’t just break some part of Remus.
It takes everything in him not to let his eyes water, not to let his hurt through. But soon enough he’s laying in his bed and he can’t help the tears he sheds while he’s alone.
He stays curled in a ball until his friends return to their room later at night and he has to wipe off the tears on his cheeks and smile to himself a few times before pulling back the curtain just to make sure it’ll seem genuine. It probably doesn’t.
Sirius isn’t back yet and Remus has to force himself not to care, though he’s immediately unsuccessful when he can’t help but wonder where he is and who he’s with and what time he might end up getting back.
James makes small talk with Remus for a while, talking about his last game and how close the score was, saying they almost could have won.
Remus has to pretend to be interested at all.
It isn’t until they’re all in bed that James sneaks behind Remus’ curtains to ask him what happened. James always seems to know. Anytime something seems slightly different with any of his friends, James knows and works his hardest to help them feel better.
Remus doesn’t think it’d work this time, especially since he can’t just tell James about his feelings for Sirius.
“It’s nothing,” Remus lies poorly and knows that won’t get them anywhere.
James tilts his head to the side and crawls onto Remus’ bed without invitation.
“You don’t have to tell me,” he whispers, “but whatever it is, will stay between us.” He waits a few seconds, “I promise it will all be alright even if right now it might not seem like it will be.”
Remus just blinks at him. Something about James Potter just makes you want to tell him all of your secrets. If he’s going to tell someone about his feelings, it might as well be James.
“I just…,” how does he say it outloud? “I like this person and they don’t… you know?”
Apparently, he can’t say it outloud at all.
But James understands. He nods his head and leans his face in closer to Remus’ so his whispers are quietly, only for Remus to hear.
“Then they’re stupid,” he says it like it’s obvious, like he isn’t insulting his own best friend without knowing. “Remus, everyone knows how lovely you are.”
Remus gives him a pointed look before he can continue.
“I know that this person is probably very important to you, but if they can’t see that, they don’t deserve you.”
Remus wants to roll his eyes at that, but he doesn’t, he just keeps listening to James.
“Honestly, you’re perfect. You’re smart, you’re funny, you’re super fucking hot. Hell, maybe I have a crush on you.” He smirks slightly and it almost makes Remus laugh. “But seriously, this person is lucky to have you and if they don’t understand that, they aren’t worth it. Plus, I can always kill them.” James shrugs and that actually does make Remus laugh because James would never say that if he knew they were talking about Sirius.
“Thank you,” Remus says very quietly, almost embarrassed by the whole thing.
“It’s only the truth, Moony.”
Oddly enough, Remus does feel better now. He feels somewhat lighter, like putting it all out there—though he didn’t say much—made it less daunting.
~~
Eventually, when there’s another party, Remus doesn’t want to go. He knows that it’ll just be a reminder of everything he’s trying so hard to forget. But James gets him to, reminding him about all of the fun parties they’ve had—not mentioning the last one.
“If it’s boring you can always leave,” James told him, “but I guarantee you will have a good time.” He said it like it was a promise and Remus wasn’t about to let him down.
They’re all first to the party, meaning for about thirty minutes it’s just people sitting around talking to one another about their classes or school.
Remus sees Sirius standing by himself near the drinks, the same place he was standing at the last party when Remus had found him.
It’s hard to ignore the part of him that just wants to stand there, just to be with him. But anytime he gets close enough, he just hears the words Sirius said on repeat. I just want to move past this… you’re one of my best friends.
Remus spends his time before the party with James and Peter, who are talking about chess, something Remus could not care less about. But he nods and smiles and listens when they fight about how James definitely cheated the last time.
“That’s not even possible!” James argues and Peter just gives him an eyebrow and a shrug, turning to look at the rest of the party.
“Why is Sirius alone over there?” Peter asks and that has Remus paying attention more than their chess conversation.
James shrugs, “I think it was that date from the last party, something happened, he's been down since then.”
Remus looks over at James but James is already looking at him, the look of an apology.
James always seems to know.
He doesn’t try to say anything else about it, just going back to talking with Peter. For that, Remus is grateful.
When the party actually starts, music playing and people everywhere, Remus stays pretty much by himself. He loses James and Peter somewhere and, honestly, does not want to put in the effort to look for them.
So, he stands alone, and he’s fine with that. The party moves around him, but he’s still.
He doesn’t really feel like he’s there until he spots Sirius on the other side of the room. Sirius whose arms are wrapped around a girl. Sirius who leans in and kisses her, smirking the way Remus wishes he had when they kissed.
It takes a few seconds to fully hit Remus, but like a wave it crashes into him eventually and he decides he can’t just stand here and watch.
He feels like he’s moving in slow motion when he makes his way to the stairs and climbs up to their room, crashing onto his bed and closing the curtains around him.
That was the moment he decided he was done with Sirius Black, choosing to pretend he feels nothing instead of feeling everything.