Thursday, November 19th, 1981.
It had been three weeks.
Mary hadn't stepped outside her room at all. She slept some days while others she spent staring emptily at the door, like waiting for it all to be a dream and for a beautiful redhead to come waltzing in like she always did or for a certain boy to come screaming about his new endeavors of looking after Harry. They never did come. No one came.
Remus had moved back in with his father for a time, and Emmeline visited them both from time to time possibly to distract herself more than actually doing it out of the kindness of her heart. Sybill had gone quiet, no one really knew where she'd gone, Gilderoy like the man he was had already continued working Emmeline had heard, Pandora refused visits so no one but her husband truly knew how she was doing. It was so very different for everyone yet all the same.
They acted differently but all felt the same. That's what Mary wanted to believe at least, she didn't want to be the only one feeling like... this. It was hard to know though, with her only visitor being Emmeline who'd never been one to speak much of how she herself was feeling.
Mary felt like she'd been punished, she felt like she shouldn't have survived while so many people who were still needed had gone. She felt she should have died in their place. She didn't deserve to live with her best friends dead and she hated that so many people had died, still considering the traitor to be a friend. All she could hope now was that they'd see from the skies above what kind of person Sirius Black had always been.
Just like his family.
Mary had used to live with Marlene, the strong scent of her perfume still lingered in the apartment, and that in no way could make the process of getting over her any easier. Every time Mary had the strength to get up from her bed and open the door, the scents came flooding back in and she slammed the door closed and crawled back into her bed. She had never made it past that. Emmeline brought her food every week and stacked them in her room, she was the only reason she hadn't kicked the bucket yet.
Emmeline had always been such a kind soul, she cared for others every time over herself. And now there was no one to even try and look after her. Mary felt bad. She always did when she became troublesome for someone else but in the past weeks she'd been too tired to really care. She wouldn't have minded if she starved to death, maybe she'd see Lily and Marlene and Dorcas and Peter again. That was all she ever wished for. They wouldn't even come to her in dreams like they were avoiding her and maybe they were. A sign for her to get over them and stop dwelling on the past.
Mary had never been very good at getting over the past.
Days, hours, minutes, seconds, they all went by and Mary remained the same as in the beginning. Three weeks later, she'd dragged herself out of bed and into the toilet. She stared at herself, unrecognizable in the mirror over the sink.
She hadn't seen her reflection in months. The person reflected back to her was not Mary Macdonald but a complete stranger. Mary Macdonald had died along with Lily Jaqueline Evans Potter and James Fleamont Potter that night. She should have expected that— truly, why she even was surprised at her own reflection? I can't say. But she was. And she was disgusted.
She tried scratching the mirror like it was just a sticker made to prank her, but it wasn't. Of course, it wasn't. There was no one who would do such a thing anymore.
Mary sighed, the black circles under her eyes made it look as if her eyes were melting. She didn't remember them being there a few months ago when there had been a war going on and when she actually shouldn't have been able to sleep. But they were there now; when the war had ended and you were supposed to be able to sleep peacefully. It wasn't supposed to be like this, Mary knew it wasn't and it only made her hate herself so much more.
She splashed her face with cold water and her feet betrayed her. Mary fell onto her knees on the toilet floor, water dripping down her jaw. She wore an old nightgown she'd received from Lily for her seventeenth birthday and it still fit the same. It was the only comfort Mary had had the past weeks. Something to remind herself about home, about home that was so far away now. It was the same as Marlene's perfumes. Something to remind you of home that brings memories that used to be good but now haunt you wherever you go.
Mary had been wearing it the morning she heard the news of what had happened on Halloween of 1981. She hadn't changed since. Whether it was to have a part of Lily still be with her or if she was terrified of accepting everything. Perhaps it was both.
It was Thursday, November 19th, 1981. Emmeline visited Sundays. She wouldn't be coming today.
It was Thursday, November 19th, 1981, when Mary Aileen Macdonald made her decision on the floor of her loo in the small flat she had shared with Marlene McKinnon until recently.
Mary grabbed a hold of the sink and pulled herself back into a standing position. She leaned the palm of her right hand against the wall and let it guide her back into the bedroom that looked just the same as the day they had bought it.
She fell forward onto her bed, her head into her pillow. She groaned, tired and unable to think straight. Maybe that was why she did what she did.
A few seconds passed and Mary flimsily used her right hand to locate the drawer next to her bed without lifting her head from the pillow. She opened it and let her hand wander. There were papers and an old camera, a scarf, a few books, and— Mary pulled out the long peace of wood that had laid in that drawer without being touched for the last three weeks. Her wand.
She opened her eyes and turned her head to see it. It had grown slightly dusty over the past few weeks but other than that looked the exact same as it had the last time it was used.
Mary smiled at it weakly, seeing her wand brought a feeling of security, always had.
It had been their last year of Hogwarts, Mary remembered clearly, when she'd made that promise to Lily. It had been late spring and they were on a walk back from Hogsmeade, James had stayed behind at school to look after Remus after a full moon which made Lily ask Mary to go with her. But that was normal. Mary was used to that. Always being the second choice.
They'd been speaking of the war, of the sacrifices. It wasn't a new topic of conversation even among the students though maybe that would have been better.
Lily had suddenly stopped in her tracks, her sweet smile gone as she had looked at Mary and said, "If I die, can you live for me?"
Mary was confused at the sudden drop in the mood but didn't let it show and went along with the new topic of conversation, "What do you mean?" She asked.
"I mean— if I die before you, could you live your life to the fullest for me?"
Mary tilted her head, her eyebrows furrowing in both concern and confusion, "We're not going to die." She'd said. Oh how wrong she'd been.
Lily smiled, nodding in agreement as they continued on their way back to the castle, "I know, but James was saying the other day that he'd die for me and that just got me to thinking... if he'll die for me, who's going to live for me, you know?"
Mary hummed in realisation, "I'd live for you." She said then, without even thinking for a second.
Lily's head snapped up, her eyes slightly widened at the immediate agreement, "you would?" She asked.
Mary nodded, "All you need to do is ask and I'll do anything for you."
Lily smiled, her face filling with gratitude, "well then..." She began, running a few steps in front of Mary before turning back, her red hair shining in the light of the sunset. "Will you live for me, Mary Macdonald?"
Mary smiled, she could feel the blush sneaking onto her dark cheeks like it always did when she called her name. "I, Mary Macdonald, promise you, Lily Evans, to live for a hundred more years even after you have the misfortune of losing your life." She said, with a dramatic bow and a mocking high-pitched voice.
Lily had rolled her eyes, bumping Mary on the shoulder before holding out her pinky finger. Mary took it in hers.
It was a promise.
Mary now on her bed, groaned, turning to lay on her back. She had never broken a promise she'd made, not really. And in a sense, that same Mary Macdonald had already died along with that promise. Yet there was still a part of her that told her to keep it. To live for the person she'd so miserably fallen in love with.
She thought for a bit longer about her next course of action. She'd thought more the past three weeks than ever before in her life. She'd thought about doing things that had never even occurred to her. None of them were good thoughts. She'd thought about calling Remus and — Oh, Merlin, Remus.
Mary dragged herself out of bed, wand in hand this time. She took a deep breath and held it in as she opened her bedroom door. Everything looked just the same as it had last time, she didn't know what she'd been expecting, not really. Maybe something about the flat looking like two people still lived there made feelings curl up in her stomach she didn't want to feel.
She made it to the kitchen for the first time in three weeks. She let herself breathe again.
There was a muggle phone at the end of the kitchen counter that had been given to Mary by her parents as a way to keep in contact instead of "those goddamned owls" as her father had put it. Next to the phone was a small piece of parchment that carried a list of names with their phone numbers written neatly next to them; Lily (xxx-xxx-xxx), Dorcas (xxx-xxx-xxx), Sirius (xxx-xxx-xxx), Remus (xxx-xxx-xxx).
Mary grabbed the phone receiver and started punching in the numbers. It didn't take long until the phone was picked up on the other line, "Lupin Residence, Lyall speaking." a gruff voice answered. Mary had only heard the voice once before but she could still recognize it. This was Remus' father.
"Hello?" The voice said after a few quiet moments went by without a word.
"Right, sorry uhm-" Mary jumped at the sound of her own voice. She hadn't spoken a word in weeks either. It sounded hoarse and dry and tired, "Uhm- uhh- is- is uhm- Re- Remus there?" She was barely able to make up a sentence at all. The words seemed unfamiliar to her.
There was a silence at the other end before there was shouting, too far from the receiver for Mary to really understand. A few seconds went by along with slight background noise from the other side before the receiver was picked up again, and this time a new voice answered. A voice Mary knew all too well.
"Hello?" Remus' voice came through. He sounded like he'd just run 50 kilometers. The full moon had only been a few days ago so that of course wasn't anything out of the ordinary.
"Moony." Mary sighed out the name as if she'd just been blessed by god.
There was silence, then heavy breathing, and then an uncertain, "Mary?"
Mary could have fallen onto the floor. It'd been forever since she'd been called by name. Emmeline always greeted her with a simple "Hey, you", it had become such a habit that Mary had almost forgotten how it felt like to hear her name come from someone else.
She hummed in confirmation.
"How are you? Are you okay? Why-" There he went again, always assuming the worst. It wasn't such a bad thing now.
Mary interrupted him, "I'm— not dying." That was the best she could do. No one would believe her if she said she was fine. She wouldn't either. "Listen, I just called because- because..." How was she supposed to turn this into words? She'd never been good at those.
"Mary?"
"Because I don't want you blaming yourself. Whatever happens, please don't blame yourself. I decided to do this, there's nothing more and nothing less than that. I promise it had nothing to do with you."
Remus' voice grew clearly concerned and panicky as he spoke next, "What are you—? ... Mary, what—"
Mary hung up.
The phone would continue to ring endlessly that day.
Mary let her feet give out one more time, this time on the kitchen floor. She leaned against the kitchen counter and pulled her knees to her chest. Her hand shook as she turned her wand on herself. She'd done many things throughout her short life and this was not supposed to be one of those but it was now.
It only works if you really mean it.
She took a deep breath and smiled. This was the closest to death she could become without breaking that promise.
"Obliviate." She whispered.
On Thursday, November 19th, 1981, Mary Macdonald entirely lost the person she used to be.