Sirius woke up. Everything felt normal, the memories hadn't come back yet from his sleep. But oh how far it was from that. He wanted to die, little did he know. His 'friends' wanted him to die, little did he know. Little did he know.
Sirius left the dormitory, with red, puffy eyes and obviously tired. He looked at his once best friends, hoping for somewhat pity. None. They all glared at him so he sat next to a random 2nd year. He couldn't eat- he didn't deserve food- mother said.
In potions, they were all in the same class.
"Split into groups of four please!" Professor Slughorn announced, a smile on his happy face as always.
James, Remus, Peter and Lily went together. Was he really expecting them to be with him, after what he'd done?
He went with a few people, he only knew the name of one- Pandora. She was nice, but her angelic beauty made it awkward for him. After potions, they all headed to the great hall for lunch, and he sat next to a random person again.
"Here, watch this," Remus said, whispering to James and Peter whilst looking at Sirius.
He flung a paper ball right at Sirius' head, but it didn't scare him or anything, he was used to it. Sirius looked up at Remus sadly and opened it.
'You bitch. No wonder you were born into the Black family. Hope your mum abuses you again, and actually kills you. Die you disgusting piece of shit. -Remus.'
Oh. His eyes welled up with tears but he quickly wiped them away. They looked at him, not caring. Well it felt like maybe (hopefully) James and Peter did a little bit, but Remus loved it.
Sirius got up to go to the toilet, bringing a sharp knife.
He looked at his reflection in the mirror, crying. Who was this person? Was he really a Black after all?
He closed his eyes, grabbed the knife and cut diagonally down his face, sobbing as he did.
Regret.
The realisation of what he did only sunk in when he saw his whole face covered in blood. Everyone's gonna see now. He wiped it. No use- this will probably stay for his whole life.
Stupid stupid stupid.
It seemed like he just wanted attention now. He knew that's all people would think- nobody would care. Not a soul in this cruel world cares about him, he knows it. Not even the people who brought him into this world.
Sirius had cleaned it up best as possible, still very obvious though.
Sirius finally walked out, the scar stretching across his whole once beautiful face. Well now I look ugly, just like my parents.
"Shit," James muttered, shock in his eyes.
"Wow Sirius attention seeker Black. I'm writing another note for him," Remus said, no remorse on his face; just pure pride.
"Moony don-" James tried to say. It was too late, Sirius once again got hit on the face by Remus' horrible note. He flinched and picked up the note and unravelled it.
To Sirius,
Hope you die a painful death and you scream and wail until your last moments.
-Remus.
Sirius put his hands in his head, his body shaking from crying.
"Moony you shouldn't have." James sighed. Remus knew he was right. He just needed him to feel the pain he felt too.
When the day was over, James, Remus and Peter went to the dorm where Sirius was sat, listening to Starman (David Bowie). When Remus entered, he turned off the music. Sirius glanced up at him, but immediately threw his head back onto his bed when he saw his face, not even attempting to put up a fight.
"Just kill yourself already,who would care honestly-" Remus snorted, James and Peter tried to tell him not to say that.
"Y-You don't mean that moony, I know you don't" Sirius chokes, but he knows he does, in fact, mean it.
"Oh yes I do, every fucking word of it. And don't you dare call me moony ever again."
"I'm sorry, Remus," and with that Sirius leaves the room, leaving a wet patch from tears on his pillow.
"Maybe stop now mate, I think it's going a bit too far- a'mean, what if he actually does it?" Asks James, a concerned look on his face. Remus rolled his eyes.
Later in the astronomy tower, the teacher paired James and Sirius. Sirius didn't talk at all, so James felt obliged to say at least something. Although he did something horrible, he was a brother to him.
"Why'd you do it? The cut," Asked James, a worried look in his eyes.
"Do you honestly care?" Sirius spluttered, not daring to look him in the eyes.
"Yes. Well, yes. You did something, what's the word, bad- but I still care for you!" James , looking at Sirius but he just avoided any eye contact possible.
He wanted him to think he didn't care.
"Your lying. Nobody cares about me. I know you think I want attention. But maybe I just want someone to care for me? Just one person? It's no use-talking to perfect potter. Everyone around you loves you. I would recommend not talking to me before I horribly betray you, as that's what blacks do," state Sirius without a trace of emotion in his strong voice. But he just wanted to burst out into tears right then, he was barely holding them in.
James went silent, he was obviously distraught.
He didn't actually care. Sirius knew it. He'd done something so bad, that not even his best friend, the most caring person in the world with the biggest heart, would give a damn about him. Sirius fucked up, big time.
When he got back to his room, where the other 3 were (James Pete and Remus) he had found a letter, under his pillow.
Sirius Orion Black,
I demand you to come home at Christmas. If you do not, there will be serious consequences and I will pull you out of that school and take care of you myself.
Walburga Irma Black.
"What's that?" Remus snapped, a tone of anger in his voice.
"Nothing," Replied Sirius, but it was a lot more than nothing.
Remus snatched it and started reading -James and Peter too- but Sirius didn't bother to put up a fight. He knew he deserved this.
"Sirius I know we're pissed at you but you can't go- it's horrible! I can't let you do it!" Squealed James. Wow, he really wanted Sirius to believe he cared.
"No, let him. Maybe he'll get the punishment he needs," Remus laughed, but nobody else did.
"Pron-"
"Don't call me that."
"James, I have to. Even if I wanted to come to yours, she's going to kill me if I don't go. And why would you want a black in your perfect, precious house?" Sirius said. He knew how attention seeking he sounded.
"Sirius you're not like your family. Your kinder. Your better than them. It will take time to forgive you, but we still care about you," James said, whilst Remus rolled his eyes with a disgusted look on his face.
"I can't keep lying to myself saying I'm gonna change. I'm poison. I come from poison. I have poison inside me and I destroy everything I touch," shouted Sirius, but not the angry type of shout, the miserable type.
"Sirius..." James started.
"Save it, there's no point James. You know there fucking isn't."
The next morning Sirius woke up and sighed. Why did he have to live another day? And of course, today is the day they leave for Christmas. Sirius started to pack his bags aggressively with a weird feeling in his stomach. He knows what's coming, he can't help himself but to argue with his parent's beliefs. James watched him with utter sadness in his eyes. He also knows what will happen, it's inevitable.
At the great hall, everyone eats breakfast with cheery faces as they're going to see their missed family. Even Remus is happy, he still has to stay at the childrens home for a week but then he goes to the Potter's. Maybe that's what he's excited about. Or maybe he's excited to see Sirius come back in pain.
"Uh- Reggie. Can I sit with you on the train?" Sirius asks his brother, who's still about a head shorter than him.
"Yeah, sure. You must have really messed up then huh?" Asks Regulus. He seems worried.
"Oh you have no idea Reg, but thanks," Sirius mumbles.
"Ne t'inquiète pas Sirius, tout ira bien," Whispered regulus. They often spoke French to each other if it was private. (Don't worry Sirius, you'll be fine)
"Ouais, ça ira. Fais juste attention toi-même, d'accord ?" Sirius muttered, and regulus nodded, half smiling. (Yeah, I'll be fine. Just watch yourself, ok?)
As everyone left hogwarts, it felt unreal that he was going back to his 'house'.
This was real.
Sirius sat with Regulus, Barty, Evan and Pandora.
"Can anyone come to my house over Christmas? My parents won't mind!" Pandora said, her bright, elegant aura lighting up the compartment.
"I can't- my dads a bitch. Doesn't let me leave the house at all," spluttered Barty.
"Yeah, same here," stated Regulus whilst eyeing his pale-looking brother.
"Maybe I can, I'll have to ask. But they'll want me back for Christmas- so not the whole holiday," Evan gulped, slightly blushing.
The train slowly halted to a stop and everyone piled out, but Sirius couldn't move. Just one more minute?
"Come sirius, mother will be mad if you don't hurry," Regulus ordered, and Sirius got his stuff and got out. Their mother was there, her stupid, ugly dress on and her black hair in an uncomfortably tight bun.
"Hello, children. Hurry. Now," Walburga demanded, hissing in their faces.
When they got home, Sirius and regulus both went to their bedrooms. Sirius flipped through his past letters with James, regretting everything he had done. Why was he like this? Was he truly a black?
"Down for dinner at once children."
Sirius made his way down. This is where he knew it would all go wrong.
"Orion, you know, yesterday I was enjoying a nice stroll when a half blood walked in-front of me. Obviously, I hexed them and beat them. These half bloods think they're respectable people- it's a joke!" Walburga stated, no emotion in her bitter voice.
"THEY'RE JUST AS IMPORTANT AS US? IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT!" Exclaimed Sirius- he just couldn't help himself.
"Sirius Orion Black. How dare you speak to me in such manner. CRUCIO!" Walburga shouted, cursing and torturing poor Sirius' body.
"MOTHER IM SORRY ILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN PLEASE!" Sirius choked through his tears. He tried to stay strong for regulus, he really did. But he could help it.
"PLEASE- P-PLEASE MOTHER IM SO S-SORRY."
Regulus' eyes widened with every wail and scream that came out of his innocent brothers mouth. Why? Why was this their life?
"Sirius, get up now. To your room. Hurry now or I'll give you more," Walburga demanded and both of the boys went up to their beds.
The rest of the days ended the exact same way. They say something rude, he shouts back, he gets beaten. Everyday he wanted to die.
Finally, the day they go back to hogwarts. Sirius' real home.
"Are you both ready?" Walburga asked, sounding angry as always.
"Yes mother," Replied Sirius and regulus in sync.
They are toast from their house elf, kreacher, and went to platform 9 and 3/4.
"Both of you will come home for summer. Or there will be consequences. Understood?"
"Yes mother."
They both got onto the train in the same compartment, met by Barty, Evan and Pandora again.
"Good summer? I just had a boring time- not too bad. Just read," Barty inquired, weakly smiling.
"Good thank you! Evan came to mine for most of it and we played out- how about you, regulus and Sirius?" Pandora beamed, comfort echoing from her voice.
"Oh- all good. Yep, yes. Definitely good. Mhm," Regulus tried to explain, but it was so obvious he was lying.
"Reggie, ça fait mal. Partout," Sirius whispered to Regulus. (Reggie, it hurts. Everywhere)
"Je connais Sirius, je suis désolé. Attendez juste et nous pourrons voir Madame Pomfrey, d'accord?" Regulus replied, also whispering. Sirius nodded and stared out of the window for the rest of the journey. (I know Sirius, I'm sorry. Just wait and we can see Madam Pomfrey, ok?)
Back at hogwarts, finally. Oh wait. He didn't have any friends. Better than being tortured every night though, right? That he wasn't sure about- he was used to his mothers punishments but being hated by his only friends, was unwelcomingly strange.
Everyone was ordered to go to their dorms and get changed. Sirius gulped; his body was more red, green or purple than it was white.
Remus got changed first.
"Oh moony, those scars look so painful!" James stuttered, Peter nodding.
Then James, all normal (muscles). Then Peter, all normal. (A bit chubby though). Then it was Sirius.
"Can you look away? Please," Begged Sirius, his eyes welling up with salty tears, but not enough for them to escape his gray eyes.
"No, why should we. You don't deserve it."
Sirius has no choice. He takes off his top, his body covered in dried blood, bruises, cuts, anything you can name. All of their eyes widened.
"What happened sirius?" James quaked, distressed.
"It's my mum. I'm fine." Spluttered Sirius, sounding slightly pissed off.
"I- you shouldn't have gone- you knew it was bound to happen, you should go to Madam Pomfrey," James stammered. He did care. A lot. He just couldn't show it.
"No. They don't need to know. I'm fine."
That night, both Remus' and Sirius' worst nightmare happened. They were in a room together. Sirius didn't want to, but he knew he had to say something.
"Remus I'm really so-"
"Save it, black."
"Just let me speak. I am sorry. I know I don't deserve to be forgiven- ever! But I need you to know that I would do ANYTHING in this world to redo what I did. I would die, moony, I would die for the sake of your happiness. I am truly sorry and even if you forgive me I will never forgive myself." Sirius bawled, his eyes barely open and his voice cracking with occasional sniffles.
"You are dead to me, black. You know, when I met you, I thought- he's not like his family- he's different but I was so wrong. You are a horrible person. I hate you." Screamed Remus. Why wasn't he sad? Did he really not care? At all?
"I'm sorry."
He had to do it. What was the point in being alive if nobody even cared for him? He began writing. 5 letters.
Dear Mr and Mrs Potter,
Thank you very much for taking me all of this time and treating me in a way I've never experienced at all. Thank you for parenting me unlike my real parents ever could. Please take care of my James, he deserves it.
Thank you,
Sirius.
Dear Wormtail,
Thank you for forever supporting everyone you knew. I know how it feels to be left out and I've only just now begun to understand you.
Have a good life,
Padfoot
Dear Reggie,
I'm sorry I had to leave you at home. I really am. But your a strong person, you have good survival skills and I know you'll be ok. I've left some money to you in Gringotts to help you out a bit.
Thank you for being a great brother,
Ton grand frère (your big brother)
Dear prongs,
Thank you for being my best friend. I know you always did the best for me and everyone else. I'm really sorry, for everything. Be kind to yourself and take care of the rest of us. I will forever love you.
Your best friend?
Padfoot
To my moony,
I'm so sorry. I don't think words can explain how sorry I am. I'm selfish, I know it. I will forever blame myself and never forgive myself, even if you happen to. Your are the moon that shines for my star and I love you.
Mischief managed,
Padfoot
After he had made all 5 letters, he put them in separate envelopes and stood. He can hear voices- about four of them.
'You are a disgrace!' -Walburga
'Your just like your family. Once a black, always a black.'-Remus
'S'il vous plaît ne partez pas Siri!' -Regulus (Please don't go Siri)
'I do care about you Sirius, but I just don't know if I can forgive you for a long time'- James
They'll all be fine without me. They'll be absolutely fine.
And then, he jumped. It all felt like slow motion. He heard screaming, he opened his eyes and his brother ran to him, but it was too late. I'm sorry reg. And with a massive thump, he hit the cold, hard ground.
1959- 1975.
"SIRIUS! PLEASE IM SORRY! I- WHY?" Regulus screamed, his tears choking him and consuming him.
"HELP, PLEASE, SOMEONE!" He wailed, his tears drowning the lifeless body he calls his brother.
"What. Oh merlin..." Severus said, only just realising what had happened. "Uh- I'll go and get a teacher, you stay here ok?"
"T-Thank you."
"Right I'm here, what ha-" Professor McGonagall rushed through and she paused at the scene. "Oh- Godric. POPPY!"
"Oh dear- ok I'll carry him to the hospital wing. Regulus you can come with me, Severus I know you don't like them but please go and fetch Sirius' friends and bring them to the hospital wing." Madam Pomfrey insisted, urgency in her voice.
Severus nodded reluctantly, gulped and went to the gryffindoor common room, where he explained the situation to a 6th year and they let him in.
"Potter, Lupin and Pettigrew. You need to come with me. It's urgent. McGonagall's orders," He explained, his voice pausing occasionally.
"Why should we-" Remus screamed.
"Stop being a prat and just follow him remus." James mumbled.
They all followed him and when they realised where they were going, their stomachs dropped.
"Snape why are we going here- what's going on??" Remus shouted, pain in his cracking voice.
"Just come, I don't want to tell you myself," he replied, something different about his voice and his face paler, if that was even possible.
When they walked to a hospital bed with the curtains closed, they saw Reg crying on his knees, which was weird as he never showed emotion.
"IS IT SIRIUS? OPEN THE DAMN CURTAINS." Remus demanded, he just knew what had happened.
"I'm very sorry boys," Madam Pomfrey softly said as she opened the curtains, her eyes gently tearing up.
"NO- IM SORRY PADFOOT ITS ALL MY FAULT IM SO FUCKING SORRY I- IS THIS A PRANK?" Remus pleaded on his knees, looking up at his beautiful Sirius. He couldn't even cry he was that shocked.
"I'm sorry, Mr Lupin. But his pulse is gone. I have called all of your parents, they should be here soon," Madam Pomfrey replied, her eyes watering. Nothing like this had ever happened in hogwarts. Ever.
When Remus felt his freezing cold face, that's when it hit him. This is real. And it's all his fault.
James didn't speak. If he tried to, his tears would choke his throat and make him splutter and cough. He crouched on the floor, held by a distraught Peter- even if they hadn't been that close, they were still good friends. They were both marauders.
"Where is he? Where?" Effie screamed, her face pale and her eyes glistening.
"O-Oh my. Poor boy," Monty stuttered, his eyes also tearing up as he held his sobbing wife.
Upon seeing his parents, James flung up and buried himself in them. His best friend. Gone.
"I-I'm sorry mum I don't...know what happened," James cried, his voice heaving.
"Shh Jamie, it's not your fault." Wept Monty, holding his distraught son and wife.
Remus hid his face. It was too embarrassing. This was all his fault. He wailed and screamed and his vision went blurry. Is this a dream? Please be a dream.
"We have found notes that Mr. Black has written. For Mr and Mrs Potter, Peter, Regulus, James and Remus." McGonagall stated as she passed them around.
Remus opened his.
You are the moon for my stars.
Oh my shining star, you will make the sky so beautiful.